Coming Out- Does it get easier?

I just needed somewhere to get this out. I understand if nobody cares.



I guess my story is a bit different than most people because I identify as being bi-romantic asexual. I am not against a relationship with either a man or woman, but I don't find myself sexually attracted to either. I realize I have always been this way. Like I have definitely had opportunities to hook up with people for sex, but it never felt right. I have also never brought home guys or girls, which all 3 of my sisters did with guys when we were growing up. I also think any time I claimed to want to get married or have a boyfriend was because everyone else I know did and it was probably more that I was feeling lonely and abandoned versus actually wanting someone. So I am no longer pretending that I just haven't met the right person to have sexual relations with because I really just don't want to and feel sort of repulsed at doing anything like that. This feels like more than saving myself for marriage or being prude.



So, last night after an argument with my mom, I told her. She wasn't mad and more supportive than I thought she would be. However, I don't think she quite grasped the asexual concept. Like I think to her it just means you just go on with your life and surround yourself with friends and that's it. But, there is so much more and I'm not sure how to explain things like there are asexual people who date and do have sex. And why I would like asexuality to be represented more in media. And I don't know if I should feel offended when she mentioned it making sense because of the things I like.



There is also a part of me who doesn't even want to tell my friends because 95% of them won't understand, will tell me we need to find me a guy and I'll change my mind, tell me I'm just trying to feel special, or will find me to be the most repulsive person ever. I know my uncle is against anything except for heterosexual relationships. I also know a lot of people from my parent's church because I went there until I turned 19. I guess I want to be able to live my life the way I want without the judgment. I still need to tell my dad and am not sure how my sisters will react. I know 1 thinks Trump will be a better president than Clinton. And that hurts since he is such a bigot.



Sorry if this was not interesting or worth making fun of. I'm seeing Shuffle Along in an hour so I will not see anything until I get out. And thanks for listening to those who do care.

Marianne2, I just read your post. I really don't know you. The only opinion I can give about you is from reading your past posts. We became members on Broadwayworld approximately the same time. The one thing I can say from the years of reading, that you come across as an intelligent, sensitive and caring individual. I don't know a thing about asexuality. So forgive me, if this is a wrong comment. Someday, eventually, the right person, male or female will come along. You just haven't met the right person yet.. And if you don't, it doesn't matter. I personally, have the opposite problem. I have no problem having sexual relations, I just don't want or need a live in partner. I have too many personal issues to deal with a live in partner. I know my future is to be myself. But I am happier with that decision then the issues that I believe will come along with a partner.

Updated On: 6/11/16 at 05:25 PM

Thanks for the post! I think it's very interesting and good that you share it. I have always been interested in people's sexual orientation and how it is formed.



I think that when you feel something (or don't feel something) it doesn't really matter where it comes from, your feelings are valid no matter what. But it is still interesting to learn more about it.



When I speak for myself, I am gay, I found out when I was about 11, got into puberty and noticed I got turned on by other guys. Now, relationships are not for me, I just don't understand relationships at all. I feel like people start relationships with people they don't even know and I think that it takes an average of 2 years to know someone a bit, I also think most relationships are based on a person's own ego instead of how special the other person really is, and that many people have many exes so they seem redeemable and I am fascinated by how people who are together for longer than 10 years treat eachother in public places, but let's not get into all that. I have a good life, I love my job and have an occasional date and friendships. I have encountered a lot of different people who call themselves bisexual, and because I didn't really understand it, I learned more about it. Most of bisexuals say : "when I am with a man, my desire for a woman disappears completely. But maybe in a few months it's different". But then I think it is not that person's sexuality. Because if the sexual identity is there, it is always there. It is not something you can just switch off. You always have a sexual longing for men and women. So you think about that longing when you see a movie and identify with the attraction of a character/storyline, walk in the street, flirt with people on work or masturbate. Your sexual orientation is part of who you are in daily life including all little thoughts. It is not that a gay guy is suddenly not interested in the gender "male" anymore if he has a boyfriend. A sexual orientation is always there. So the sexual longings for men and women are always present if you are bisexual, as the orientation is based on the presence of those feelings for both genders. If people say "but it comes and goes, I am just attracted to personalities and not to gender" then they are in fact not bisexual, but pansexual. That means an attraction to personalities instead of gender. So no sexual aspect.



Now there have been studies and some people say that attraction can generally be divided in 3 types. Social attraction, emotional attraction and sexual attraction. People often get these things mixed up and therefore often their sexual identity does not match their actual behaviour.

Social and emotional attraction do not determine your sexual orientation.

While heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality are based on the presence of the sexual attraction, asexual and pansexual are based on the absence of it.



I would love to know how you experienced puberty and maybe it's way too personal of a question but do you ever masturbate? Do you have any sexual pleasure or have you not felt anything like that at all? Because then you are on your own, but those longings always come with certain thoughts or fantasies. So regardless of if you ever want a partner for relationship or want to have sex with an actual person I am curious if you have ever experienced anything like that, while being on your own.



Have you ever thought of that? Because you say you do feel certain things for man and women, more romantic like, then you could also be pansexual? I am just trying to figure out the difference between a complete physical absence of any arousal (no connection between brain and genitals), even when being alone, or more not feeling comfortable being with another person, do you know what I mean?

Updated On: 6/11/16 at 05:35 PM

Marianne, I don't see why your lifestyle could impact anyone else's life. I notice that you want to tell your family about it. Fine, but I wish you could tell them without having to be defensive or explain anything further. That's the way you are and that's it! Take it or leave it.

i can relate somewhat because although I've been sexually very active in my youth and engaged once, I now see that marriage would never have worked. I love being alone and also the thought of sexual intimacy is repulsive to me most of the time.

WhizzerMarvin said: " I think when you initially tell people you're biromantic people may often ask, "Does that mean you're bisexual?" You will probably even develop a little spiel to explain what biromantic means.
"



I agree, people might wonder what you mean by that. Because studies have shown that both men and women of all sexual orientations have emotional attraction and social attraction to both women and men, with the general focus on women a little more by a few percent. It is the sexual attraction that determines the romantic/sexual direction. Romantic is described as something that flows out of this sexual basis, but is something different than social or emotional attraction.

Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I will just try to be more patient with people and keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I think what gets me worried is that it seems like there is a huge pressure from society where sex is the most important thing in life when it shouldn't have to be. I mean, if it is for you, great. But, not everyone feels that way.

I've also always been pretty insecure with myself. I hate it. And people can be cruel. Like my 1 of my sisters told me I was a lesbian when I was about 12 or 13 because I listened to a lot of female singers and had posters on my walls of like Kristi Yamaguchi and Mariah Carey. She made it sound like a bad thing, which I know now isn't, if it were true. And she also made some rude comments a a bachelorette party implying that she thought I was still a virgin and it was not okay. I wasn't thinking about asexuality yet.

Dave19-That's actually an interesting question. I have never had any desires about having sex unless I was just saying things to fit in. I definitely notice if males or females are good looking, but , but that's as far as I ever feel like going.

I guess I am just going to have to take this 1 day at a time and not expect everthing to change overnight.

Yes, don't focus on what other people might think. This is just about you. Your story, your body and your right to decide how to live.

Just find out what you do like and don't like to do (also when you are on your own, having complete privacy) and see what thoughts come up or not. You don't have to share that with any other person.

An article about asexual pride on the BBC website, if you're interested.

Sexuality is a gift from God and thus a fundamental part of our human identity

Coyness around asexuality is, then, understandable. A recent study from researchers at Yale University asked 169 self-identified asexual people to write an open-ended account of the development of their asexual identity and the disclosure of that identity to others. In many cases, the people interviewed described their revelations being met by friends and family with disbelief. One respondent was told: “You’re not a tree.” Another that it was “just a phase” and that they’d feel differently once they met the “right person”, an argument long and damagingly used to try to convince homosexual people that they are, in fact, lovelorn heterosexuals.



http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20160621-i-have-never-felt-sexual-desire