Homophobia or Overreaction?

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:09am

So there's this guy who works at my restaurant. He was recently re-hired. I've been working there for about a year now and I'd heard stories about him from employees who've been there a while. He was fired a while back for making a homophobic remark to a fellow employee who happened to be gay. The two of them got into a yelling match and both were let go.

He was hired back to the restaurant (Don't ask me why) about two to three months ago. Since he started he'd been decent to me. He's treated me nicely and I couldn't believe this was the monster kid people had told me about.

Now, I'm gay. Everyone at work knows. I do my best to just be one of the other workers. I try to fight stereotypes and not stand out as the "gay guy" at work. I can talk to the guys about sports and the girls about their boyfriends. I just try to be treated the same as others...no better, no worse.

When this guy was re-hired he obviously found out from someone that I was gay. Now, my closest friends are more than welcome to kid around with me. I have a sense of humor about it and I like to joke around as well. But, only the people with whom I have a relationship with outside of work are the ones who will joke around with me about my orientation.

This kid came back and he's your typical meathead jock who spends his life lifting weights and "banging chicks." Apparently he felt that since some people at work were able to joke around with me about being gay...that he had license to as well.

Well, he really wasn't saying anything offensive to me so I looked past it. Until this past week. About a week ago when he was at work he pretty much came right up to me and called me a "peter puffer" to my face. He didn't say it threateningly. He said it while laughing so I took it as he's just a dumbass and thinks he's joking around.

I'm not a complainer. I don't rat people out. I let it slide the first time and tried to get past it. Then tonight happened.

Tonight, when I was tossing something into the garbage, a girl co-worker was joking around with me after what I threw didn't go into the garbage can. She said something along the lines of "Well, you know you didn't get it in because of how you are." I laughed. Then, this kid comes up behind her and (laughing again) says "Can't get it in? I know a guy who can vouch for him."

It was at this moment I felt very disrespected. It's one thing to joke around with someone you've known for a while and are comfortable with. It's a whole other situation when you don't know me and don't have a relationship with me outside of work.

I was told by a fellow co-worker that after the "peter puffer" comment, she took it into her own hands to report to the owner what he'd said to me. Apparently the owner's response was that she was "disappointed."

Tonight, after what had happened, I decided to approach my manager and let her know about my feelings. I didn't talk trash about the kid. I didn't say anything back to him after he said what he said. I just wanted to make my manager aware of my feelings and that I felt disrespected.

She was very understanding and told me she'd speak to him about it.

So...the question is...was it homophobia or am I overreacting?

[Yawper]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:15am

You can't allow a double standard in the workplace saying it's ok for some co-workers while reporting others for the same behavior.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:17am

No one at work calls me names or says anything derogatory to me whatsoever.

This kid did.

[Luscious]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:32am

Stop acting like such a pansy.

Updated On: 5/4/08 at 12:32 AM

[Tag]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:33am

Exactly Yawper.
By letting your friends disrespect you in essentially the same way he is, you are creating an environment in which he thinks you are comfortable with it.

[tazber]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:35am

Over-reacting.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:35am

They don't disrespect me, Tag.

By "joke around" I mean the girls will be flirtacious with me and I'll pretend to go along with it. Things like that. They never say anything offensive like he did.

[mauriposa]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:41am

Did you try talking to this guy? Maybe he doesn't know that his behavior is bothering you.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:46am

I want to talk to him, mauri. But, him and the person he offended were both let go for getting into a heated arguement last time.

I know I'm mature. I don't like to yell or scream. But, I have no idea how this kid is going to react or if he'll try to make a scene.

[mauriposa]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:49am

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. But, at the same time, it doesn't seem fair to report his behavior before giving him a chance to shape up first.

[Namaste]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:51am

It does also sound like you have a bit of a double standard. Does it bother you as much if the girls say it? Are you not bothered by their possible prejudices and potential belittlement? Just this "jocky meathead" male?

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:53am

That is true. I guess the reason I went to my superior is the fact that she can speak with him about it and I figure he's not going to go off on her about it.

I actually requested that I be there when she speaks to him because I don't want to make it seem like I'm "telling." I initially wanted to sit and talk with him with her mediating. But, she told me that she had to speak with him about it alone.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want to get the kid fired. I'm sure he just doesn't understand what his boundaries are.

[Namaste]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:54am

Well, you might want to warn your female co-workers that they should be on alert too. If you're not going to report them for their comments, he can easily say you were targeting only him and there is an unfair double standard.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:54am

Namaste...like I said...the girls never say anything derogatory to me. They don't use hateful words or terms.

This guy did.

[tazber]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 12:56am

I understand that you're upset Grail, but I say choose your battles. This guy is just a fool (probably with latent sexuality issues). It doesn't seem like he was being malicious.
So I guess the question is: what will you really gain by making a deal about this?

I tend to be a pacifist so for me it would be no big deal. But it depends on your personality. There are a lot of people who would find this completely unacceptable. If it's really going to stick in your craw then take it all the way.

None of this is an excuse for his behavior, just putting it in perspective in terms of the larger picture.

[Namaste]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:06am

I know what you said:

"Tonight, when I was tossing something into the garbage, a girl co-worker was joking around with me after what I threw didn't go into the garbage can. She said something along the lines of "Well, you know you didn't get it in because of how you are." I laughed. Then, this kid comes up behind her and (laughing again) says "Can't get it in? I know a guy who can vouch for him."

It was at this moment I felt very disrespected. It's one thing to joke around with someone you've known for a while and are comfortable with. It's a whole other situation when you don't know me and don't have a relationship with me outside of work. "


How is what she said any less derogatory? Also, how do you know he's not just trying to fit in and also join in on the "fun" of your sexuality. If he knows other co-workers are doing it and he does it too, if you don't tell him that it bothers you only when HE does it you can't expect him to be more aware of your sensitivities.

Updated On: 5/4/08 at 01:06 AM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:19am

Is he hot? I'll bet he's hot.

[tazber]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:20am

Well if he's hot then that changes everything. The cute ones automatically get a pass.

[romantico]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:21am

I question it just because he has a history and got fired for it in the past. I don't think your over reacting. You have to consider his past. I would flat out ask him on the spot if he has problems with gay people. I'd be curious to hear what he says. If he does not like gay people this may be a way for him vent his dislike towards you. I'm curious if he blames gay people for him getting fired the first time. I do not think you over reacted and you should be prepared for him to confront you.

[Namaste]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:21am

HAHAHA!

Yes. This thread is finally going in the right direction.

[LePetiteFromage]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:23am

Updated On: 1/23/09 at 01:23 AM

[verynewyorkcurious]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:25am

I've gotten to know some people quite well in 2-3 months. He probably feels like you're close enough to joke around like that, even though you don't think that you are. If he talks to you in a friendly way, then he might consider you a friend, so he probably isn't homophobic.

You should have talked to him before you talked to your supervisor though. Things might get awkward.

[Namaste]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 1:27am

If he's hot, I'd offer him an apologetic bj in the stock room.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 10:23am

This isn't homophobia it's a mating dance. I'd react to everything he says as if he were flirting. "Bob, really, you've GOT to stop hitting on me! I TOLD you I'd never date a co-worker!" "Oh Bob, I KNEW I shouldn't have let you kiss me!" "Bob, you ALWAYS get like this when I wear my jock strap!"

It'll stop. Or he'll turn up drunk at your apartment. It's a win/win.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 5/4/08 at 10:30am

"Now, my closest friends are more than welcome to kid around with me. I have a sense of humor about it and I like to joke around as well. But, only the people with whom I have a relationship with outside of work are the ones who will joke around with me about my orientation. "

and THAT is your problem, why on earth would "friends" do that to you?

This guy has issues, but you have set yourself up for this sort of thing by thinking it's ok for people to "joke" about who and what you are, which I find totally ridiculous.