Gosh Stockard that's an awful lot of sh*t to go down in 2 days!!!
I have to be honest but I wasn't even going to tell you guys what happened to me yesterday at that funeral I went to in VA, but it was so "out there" that I have to tell someone.
I went to the funeral of an aunt I've never actually met. At least I don't remember I might have been a baby when she last saw me. Well we got through the service without anything major happening and everything was running smoothly. You know how there's just some family members that you've never met before and you really wish it would have stayed that way? I met my late mother's youngest sister after the service and dear God I wanted to run for the hills!!! Not only did she smell like Malt Liquor and cigarettes but she was wearing a red halter and a black mini...to a FUNERAL!!! If it wasn't so gross I would have laughed. I secretly wondered why I had never met her before, seeing as how I'm already 22. Well lo and behold this
psycho got her 3rd strike and was in jail for over 10 years!!! WTF?! That was very strange for me. But not nearly as strange as being hit on after the funeral was over.
I was waiting for my family to say their hellos and goodbyes and I was waiting by the door. I had already gotten my quota for embarrassing hugs and questions from extended family that I have no intention of contacting ever again. I saw a woman looking at me and did that whole polite smile and head nod "thing" to say hey. I thought that would be the end of it so I just continued to stare into space and wait to get the hell up outta there. I looked again and this woman was still looking at me. I mean
looking at me...up and down kinda stuff. Normally I would have been flattered, but she looked a hot awful mess and I really wasn't going to have ANY of that business. So out of no where I guess she mustered the courage to come and talk to me. Sounding just about as ghetto as they come she said something to the effect of: "Damn you're cute girl. And tall too? Damn!!!" Ok first of all EWWWWWWW!!!!!! She basically corners me near the front door and says this no more than a few inches from my face which was difficult enough for her since I was about 7 inches taller than her. Secondly she's gotta be around 45. Mind you I don't discriminate when it comes to age. I already told Stockard she's hot and so is Danmag...so whatever. But this broad looked like she had been ridden hard and put away wet!!!! So nasty. I have a rule about being in someone's personal space...I just don't do it, and I expect for others to respect my boundaries as well but she obviously didn't get the memo. In her defense how ever I did look kinda cute with my pumps and skirt, but jeez back the hell up off me WOMAN!!! I'm deliberately ignoring her even though she's so close she can damn near read my thoughts. I was shifting uncomfortably because I was still in the corner. Down the hallway I heard someone coming and calling my name. Now this Licentious Lez who had me pinned looked really confused for a minute but I didn't care. She heard my name being called again and backed away, which I was grateful for. The woman who had been calling me came and hugged me to say goodbye. I had just met her that day and found out that she was one of my mom's best friends in high school. Now mind you the "In My Personal Bubble" woman just stood there with her mouth a little slack and kept repeating my name under her breath like she was trying to figure out who I was. I thought she'd blown a gasket because she sounded like a CD skipping. Then I heard this crazy gasp from her and she said: "Oh my God, you're Steph's daughter S----a?!" I was a little annoyed and exasperated and said yeah. And then she said something that made my skin crawl. "I'm Vi, your mom's cousin...so that makes me
your cousin!!!! Girl I haven't seen you in forever, since you were in diapers. And you sure have 'grown' up." And she stressed "grown up". What the F*CKETY F*CK!!!!???
Ok people, now I don't know if you caught all that but let's recap shall we? (1) I'm at a funeral. (2) I'm being slobbered over by a rough looking lesbian like a T-bone steak
at a damn funeral. (3) I find out that said rough looking lesbian is my
much older cousin!!!
As of this moment in time, that has to be the creepiest, most disturbing and disgusting thing that's happened to me thus far in my life. I doubt I'll be going to a family reunion anytime soon.
ICK!!!!!!!!
"I have the prettiest mother..."--Rhoda Penmark~~~ The Bad Seed
Updated On: 7/16/09 at 11:07 PM
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