"In an Open Relationship"- Page 3

[NYadgal]

Posted: 11/10/10 at 5:34pm

Are you saying that straight couples aren't free to create the relationships we desire, however non-normative they may be?

Or was the 'we' all-inclusive?

Interesting discussion.

Updated On: 11/10/10 at 05:34 PM

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 11/10/10 at 5:48pm

"It sounds awful but the majority of gay people cant seem to keep it in their pants lol."

I don't think sexual orientation plays a role in this. And gender certainly isn't always the factor.

I think there are plenty of straight people who feel pressure to have "normal" marriages. But, I understand firsthand the pressure to be in a "gay marriage" and feel the need to represent.

It's very hard being perfect.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 11/10/10 at 6:42pm

Oh, totally mean that to be an inclusive "we," and it's probably a huge challenge for straight people, whose entire narrative is laid out for them from birth, to deviate from the normative relationship structures and requirements.

I remember Armistead Maupin in a letter to the gay community in the '80s, saying something like "Cheer up, babycakes, you're free from the normative rules and regulations of 4000 years of Judeo-Christian tradition."

[PalJoey]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 12:44am

In the end, I think, "monogamy" really isn't about whether or not you had sex with other people.

It's about whether or not you're there for one another, when the going is easy and when times are hard, whether you honor each other and hold each other, whether you allow each other to be your best selves and forgive each other for failing.

And "fidelity," in the end, has nothing to do with fukcing at all.

Fidelity is birthdays and Christmases and seders and Thanksgivings. It's raises and promotions and celebrations and triumphs. It's setbacks and disappointments and layoffs and firings. It's pets and kids and co-workers and old people, their sicknesses and healths, and each other's. It's the final days of each other's parents and each other's relatives and each other's friends and, then, each other. It's about death...and what comes after...and about somehow making it all make a little more sense.

So in the end, I guess, "being faithful" turns out not to be about sex at all.

It's about giving your word to someone, which is easy to do, and keeping that word, which is hard.

It turns out to be about love.

Updated On: 11/11/10 at 12:44 AM

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 9:49am

You're like the grown-up Dr. Seuss of Sex Philosophy. Gorgeously written.

[Q]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 9:51am

I love that.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 9:56am

I do, too.

The issue of sex outside of a relationship is one that, for me, has evolved a bit and I continue to struggle with, but... I also understand that monogamy of the heart is what matters the most to me.

I've certainly framed my life with 'non-normative' relationships (very long term non-married, long-distance - not the typical choices a straight woman of my generation usually makes), but have continued to hold on to some of the more traditional definitions of fidelity and monogamy. For me.

My life is ever-evolving and I remain open to learning and certainly embrace what PalJoey wrote as the truth.

The truth that matters.

Updated On: 11/11/10 at 09:56 AM

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 10:27am

This is really a great thread. It's interesting to see people discuss their changing mores and feelings about things like. When I was young, I took more of a hardline about open relationships and didn't think I could ever be in one. I could be the guest star, sure, but it took many years for me to evolve to my current thinking, which is pretty much an echo of most people in this thread - that each couple needs to work these things out for themselves.

In my current relationship we haven't really navigated this all that much. Basically I tell everyone I date at the beginning that I don't consider them sleeping with someone else a dealbreaker, but I'd appreciate being told about it. As others have said, honesty is really more important than anything. And for god's sake, use a freaking condom!

There's still a little Pollyanna in me that loves the idea of never ever being with another man and pledging eternal fidelity, but I understand that for a lot of (many? most?) people, that's just not possible.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 11:26am

"I could be the guest star"

OMG! You're the Heather Locklear of threesomes!

"There's still a little Pollyanna in me that loves the idea of never ever being with another man and pledging eternal fidelity"

And THAT sentence just sent a shiver down my spine! I guess I'm more Keisha Night Pulliam as Polly!

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 11:29am

Great discussion, and everyone is so revealing!

Of course, I'd never marry any of you...cause you're all sluts.

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 11:39am

LOL

I think it's more about being super duper friendly. :)

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 11/11/10 at 11:41am

Robbie, I see you much more as the sequel, Polly - Comin' Home!