Once a cheater, always a cheater ?

[bella cantato]

Posted: 6/29/07 at 5:26pm

I just recently broke up with a boyfriend who cheated, because I really couldn't get past the fact that he had lied to me and tried to hide it from me. I was just wondering if we could discuss (in a rational manner) your experiences with this- I know it's touchy, but have you ever met someone (or dated someone) who cheated once but remained faithful after that? I know that hypothetically, yes, someone could cheat and then after that be faithful, but have you ever had an experience where that really happened? Or did they go back to their old ways?

Thanks :)

[colleen_lee]

Posted: 6/29/07 at 5:33pm

My parents.

My mother was "the other woman".

They've now been together for 25 years.

I think there are different types of cheaters. There are some men who will just never be able to settle down and commit, no matter what. But there are others who are really mostly acting out and expressing frustration, dissatisfaction, etc albeit in a completely inappropriate way. Those are the men who may remain faithful in another situation, or learn from their mistake and figure out a more appropriate way to deal with their problems.

That being said, I could never trust someone who cheated on me enough to ever take them back. It takes a lot to earn my trust anyway and once it's broken it's something that just can never really be rebuilt.

[tazber]

Posted: 6/29/07 at 5:34pm

Sorry that happened bella, but it has been my experience (albeit limited) that a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

[mejusthavingfun]

Posted: 6/29/07 at 5:35pm

I think that is cliche and not true. I'm sure there are repeat offenders, but stand by your man y'all!

[mejusthavingfun]

Posted: 6/29/07 at 5:36pm

or better Taz "A cheetah doesn't change it's spots."

[Anakela]

Posted: 6/29/07 at 7:14pm

Ann Landers always used to say ask yourself "am I better off with him, or without him?"


Sorry that happened bella, but it has been my experience (albeit limited) that a leopard doesn't change it's spots.

My mom likes to say "if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you," and I have yet to meet the exception to that 'rule.'

[jasonf]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 1:12am

Before I answer, I need to qualify this with I would never cheat on anyone (and I'm not just saying that because Caitie's on the board). I think it's morally wrong and shows a lack of regard for another person - and so much the worse if you cheat on someone you love.

That being said, though I don't know of any specific cases, I would tend to believe that it's very possible someone who cheats COULD afterwards remain faithful. I think part of it might have to do with the reason BEHIND the cheating in the first place (if it's a reaction to the relationship he's cheating on, then that could be fixed - if he's in love with someone else, well, that's a whole other story). I don't know how I would react if I found out I was being cheated on, but I know that I would have a VERY hard time ever trusting the girl again - and seeing as a relationship with trust isn't much, I doubt I would be able to survive as a couple much longer after that...

[scott68]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 1:20am

Earlier this year I met a guy who had been in a three-month relationship. He cheated on his boyfriend with me, then dumped his boyfriend for me. Four months later, he cheated on me, we broke up, and he and the new guy started dating. Last I heard, he'd cheated on the new guy too.

Clearly just one example, but I'm not exactly encouraged to have faith in the fidelity of others. Of course, that could be because I don't know that I'd be above cheating, either, but then, I'm not exactly a relationship person, so that'd be (at least part of) why.

[DG]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 3:51am

"Faithful. FAITHFUL! You're always talking about being faithful! Audrey, why do you always think so small? What makes you think being faithful is the greatest friggin' virtue in the world?"
--- ALL THAT JAZZ

[tazber]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 4:22am

or better Taz "A cheetah doesn't change it's spots."

lol MJHF.

Well, I actually find it encouraging that so many people think it is possible for someone to be a one time offender in these situations. I always believe in second chances.
jasonf is cerainly right in that you must first figure out the why of the situation.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 11:14am

people don't change...situations change.
people who cheat have no excuse, hence.....they would have no place in my life

[shameless]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 11:28am

Wow, Elph, I really hope you're wrong about that.

I believe that people can change, but they have to really want it and work at it. I think it depends entirely upon the individual.

But, what Colleen said about trust is right on. If you think you can trust this guy again, and want to, then give him another chance. If you don't trust him, it's best to move on.

[blaxx]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 3:38pm

I am going through this at the moment.
I didn't necessarily cheat, but I did lie, and it broke my year long engagement. The regret, embarrasment and pain of losing what I believe to be the love of my life is devastating, and couldn't be more sorry. I am learning the toughest lesson.
Looking for help I have come to realize how small minded the world is for people who have made mistakes.
If you think that a cheater deserves no forgiveness or a second chance, just REMEMBER that sooner or later, because you're human, you'll make a mistake that will compromise who you thought you were.
I think that if people are not able to identify who has truly repented and learned the lesson and will live by stupid magazine rules, they are just insecure. Someone hurting you once does not mean that the mistake has transformed them into someone incapable of change.

[StageManager2]

Posted: 6/30/07 at 4:47pm

Don't take him back!

[SeanMartin]

Posted: 7/1/07 at 6:25am

Just my 0.02, and no doubt worth every penny...

If you truly love this guy, does it really matter whether or not he fools around on the side? Face it: the reason he lied is because he figured (correctly) you wouldnt want him unless he was monogamous... and that was clearly something not possible.

So here's the truly tough question: does it really matter that much? Is your own security about the relationship based solely on being the sexual be-all and end-all for him? One of the hardest things for me to learn about relationships is knowing how to let go of the leash: if the guy wants to play around on the side and if I can see past that to understand the distinction between "love" and "having sex", then -- frankly -- there's no problem. Yes, it requires some adjustment on my part... but if he's worth it, I'll do it, because ultimately, sex just aint that important in the grand scheme of things.

And having taken that stance, I've discovered two other things:

(1) Just because he's non-monogamous doesnt make him a diseased slut. That's an easy assumption, but it's a wrong-headed one. He's very careful not to bring home any souvenirs, and that, to me anyway, simply shows how much he appreciates *our* relationship.

(2) By having experiences with other people, he's become a better lover at home. Some nights I never know what to expect, and it keeps *our* relationship fresh.

I know of only a few truly monogamous relationships, and I'm happy for them all. I know of far more open relationships (both straight and gay, I might add), and I'm just as happy for all of them as well. We are not monogamous creatures by habit, but we so desperately want to be. And when we fail, we turn it into high drama. Trust me: if the man's worth it in other areas, the drama aint.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 7/1/07 at 7:34am

I agree with SeanMartin. Maybe, as Cole Porter (and Ernest Dowson) said, he's really true in his fashion.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/1/07 at 9:40am

I never thought I would say this, never, but I totally agree with what SeanMartin said. We put too much weight on these expectations on our significant others that they can, by no means, live up to.

And I'm with shamey in believing that people truly can change. Maybe not only a "second" chance... it takes more than once for someone to change. The reason I believe that is because I have changed through the years in the way I behave and think.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 7/1/07 at 10:53am

"I didn't necessarily cheat, but I did lie, and it broke my year long engagement."

but Blax, what you didn't say is "I didn't cheat"....big difference between that and "I didn't necessarily cheat".....

Shameless, sorry but I do not believe someone who cheats can change.....I have yet to see it happen.

as to giving another chance. It's one thing to have an "open" relationship, or say you can date others. But in bellas situation it does not sound like this was the case.

Trust is a very private, and personal thing. Once broken in this manner, that's a big red flag and a deal-breaker for me.

I am not espousing that monogamy is the end all....I don't believe it is.

BUT, if you have a closed relationship and you cheat......you are out of my life, as that trust is gone. Doesn't matter what the reason is, the trust is gone, and without that I cannot continue.

I'd rather have someone come to me and say they have been thinking of, or feeling like, or whatever, BEFORE the issue, rather than find out after.

I can forgive for most things, but this.....no way, I don't have to, and frankly there is no way I could respect myself if I did.

Steve and I have an open relationship, and I think we have taken advantage of that a total of three times in the past (almost) ten years.

Roy, I'm not sure if in a closed relationship the expectation of fidelity is too much to expect someone to live up to. I mean it's an agreed state, not something forced on someone......

It's a tough issue, but for me, trust is the basis of any relationship, and without that (for me) there is nothing.

Updated On: 7/1/07 at 10:53 AM

[blaxx]

Posted: 7/2/07 at 12:48am

I understand your point, Elphaba, but what you're saying is that one mistake will take away all trust you have on the person forever, and that makes no sense. You have made that decision for yourself, but it certainly has no consideration for the ofender, and a couple deals with two, good and bad.
If you tell me that the person shows no signs

I used to think EXACTLY the same way, and I could've swore to my grave to never ever do something like that. But I did.
And now, the only thing I wouldn't forgive is not trusting someone who has honestly learned and repented from a mistake.

Believe me, it may not be cheating, but one day you'll make a HUGE mistake and it will make you realize how sorry you are and you'll never want to even think of doing anything like that again.
That day, you'll want others to be understanding and forgiving.

[Liverpool]

Posted: 7/3/07 at 4:46am

while its true that not everyone who cheats will do it again, the recitivism (i know im butchering that word) rate is pretty damn high. Cheating is a character trait, and if they can do it once, there's nothing stopping them from doing it again.

[Liverpool]

Posted: 7/3/07 at 4:46am

while its true that not everyone who cheats will do it again, the recitivism (i know im butchering that word) rate is pretty damn high. Cheating is a character trait, and if they can do it once, there's nothing stopping them from doing it again.

[Lindsay Hameister]

Posted: 7/3/07 at 11:26am

while in my life for me personally i don't agree with having an "open relationship" i understand that people have them and thats them and theres nothing wrong with that, as long as both parties know its an "open relationship" morals and intentions should be made clear at the beginning of the relationship. it sounds to me like it WAS a monogamous relationship and whether the physical aspect of the relationship is important or not, it seems to me if hes willing to lie about this what else is he willing to lie about? i know that one thing shouldn't break your trust but honestly, trust is like a ball of glass every one balances every one breaks it and some times you can earn trust back but other times, you just cant. essentially what would be going through my mind is, "whats to say it wont happen again"

[SeanMartin]

Posted: 7/3/07 at 11:37am

>> "whats to say it wont happen again"

It probably will, no doubt. But if everyone's aware of it, then I repeat: what's the harm? We are not monogamous animals. I'm not advocating open relationships for everyone, but having seen lots of very good ones go down in flames over something so relatively minor makes me wonder why these two people got together in the first place. It's just sex, folks, no different from any other pasttime. And to get all weirded out about "I can never trust him again!" simply suggests there wasnt a whole lot of trust to begin with.

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 7/3/07 at 12:26pm

I would say give him another chance!!!!People do mature and change thier ways...

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/3/07 at 12:31pm

We each have our boundaries, and that's the part to understand. And I truly believe we must be true to them, regardless of what others say or think. Our personal boundaries might change with time... but I do agree that once trust is lost, it's very difficult to gain back. The loss of trust can be something totally different for each person. For me it's an invasion of my personal space - I had a bf figure out my bww log-in and go through my PMs because he thought I was cheating on him. He lost my trust right then and there... I know for some, that's something they could overcome, but I couldn't at that time.