Please help me solve this dispute!

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:25pm

I have several friends who do not respond to invitations. They don't accept, decline, they don't even acknowledge they were invited. They either will call the very last minute with some excuse, or I have to track them down to remind them, and they finally will respond.

I say this is just damn rude, a lack of manners. It's total disregard for the person having the party or whatever it is, and total entitlement. My friend says this is the way these people were brought up. I disagree. And even if they were brought up this way, they are now adults and should know better.

So I'd like to hear what others think - is this is a matter of the older vs. the younger generation, or what?

Updated On: 2/24/13 at 04:25 PM

[dramamama611]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:32pm

Yes, it has something to do with the way they were brought up, but I more think it has to do with the "me" generation. Where nothing is important except for self. Their timetable, their needs, their outlook. They aren't trying to be rude (although it doesn't excuse it) they just don't care enough about anyone else.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:35pm

wow. This particular issue gets me so angry that after it happens a couple of times, I won't invite these people again. I get that furious!

[Jungle Red]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:39pm

I agree with the above. My mother was obsessed with all things Emily Post and she passed down a lot of it to me. Everything from writing thank you notes to handling Christmas lists.

People should RSVP to events. If you're spending your time on something, it's the least I can do it say "Yes" or "No". I can't stand how people think, "I might go unless something better comes along". Make a decision and stick with it. It's not complicated.

On a side note, my mother would keep track of her cards in 1 subject notebooks, with Sent/Received columns along with addresses. If she didn't receive two cards in a row, then that person didn't receive one. She did this for birthdays and Christmases.

My mother was cray cray.

[dramamama611]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:39pm

I don't blame you, not one bit.

[SNAFU]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:41pm

Jane, I would give them two shots. I would consider the first one an over site. Should they pull this a second time the invitations would stop.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:44pm

I prefer your mother's cray cray than the other way around.

What if you're making a dinner, and have to know the amount of food to buy and prepare? That doesn't occur to these hipsters? It doesn't matter, I guess.

It's come down to having to invite twice as many people as you want, because half of them won't respond.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:45pm

SNAFU, that's my method.

[artscallion]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:50pm

Jane, do your invitations ask for a response? Normally when I get an invitation, I'll always respond, even if I'm not requested to, if only to ask if I can bring anything. But I've discovered that many people will only respond if you put, "RSVP" or "Regrets only" or even something as casual as , "let me know if you're coning" at the end of the invite. Maybe something as simple as putting your phone# at the end of the invite will give these cretins a clue that they need to consider you and respond.

[Marianne2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:55pm

I agree that people are rude about invitations. That's part of the reason I don't throw parties anymore. Too many bad experiences of no responses or "I forgot." I especially hate Facebook invites. You can basically guarantee anyone on the "Maybe" list can be added to the "No" list. Or again, maybe that's just me.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 4:55pm

Scallion, interesting. The only kind of invites I don't expect a response to is something like an art opening. Otherwise, my events are more intimate, with about a handful of people and I always say let me know. Sometimes I give a date that I have to know by. My friends all know my phone number, email, address, etc.

How about those people who get formal invites to weddings and such, which come with a stamped response card and envelope. Also with a date to respond by, and they still can't be bothered to respond. Don't they know that not knowing the number of people who are coming can lead to a lot of trouble and expense? I can't deal with that.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 5:14pm

Of the people who are reading this thread, is there anyone who thinks it's ok when people don't respond if they're coming or not to your invitations?

[Playbilly]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 5:30pm

Stop inviting. I have a friend whose wife warned me " Don't talk to him about invites, talk to me". She was right. Invited him to several things and he forgot. Even bought tix to a show because he said " we'll make it". He forgot. Don't invite him anymore. Just stop inviting these people Jane, and when they ask why they weren't invited. Be honest.

I also hate when you invite someone one way (snail mail, internet, FB, phone call) and they reply another way.

Pet peeve.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 5:36pm

Playbilly, that's my plan all along. I stop inviting. I was just wondering how others viewed this problem and so far I'm glad it's not just me here.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 5:58pm

I had the reverse problem. My niece was getting married and the invite said "Reply by September 1." I was of two minds and and put the invite on the fridge to ponder. On August 21st, my sister calls, furious: "WHY HAVEN'T YOU REPLIED! SHE NEEDS to know if you're coming!"

Why put a date on there if you're going to freak out more than a week before ?

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 6:16pm

Here's a good one - ok, you have a group over. The party started, and then one of the guests calls you on the phone, and says "hey, what's up?" Um WHAT??? So you say "we're here having the party, where are you?" and they say something like "oh, just checking if it's still on" or, "I'm still at work, I'll try to make it."

I just love that kind of stuff.

[StockardFan]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 6:53pm

Jane, I think it is absolutely unacceptable for people not to respond to an invitation. Every year my son has a party at the laser tag place for his birthday and I have to call them 24 hours before and there is always someone who just shows up without RSVP'ing. I think it's very rude.

[GavestonPS]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 7:04pm

Jane, you are absolutely right: it is very rude not to respond (imo, even when an RSVP is not required). But, personally, I try to keep in mind whether the rudeness is outweighed by other benefits of the friendship. Most of the time, I shrug off a lapse--but I have no problem calling back and saying, "Well? You in or out?"

I have missed two deadlines on wedding invitations. In both cases I was invited as a single when the couple getting married knew perfectly well I have been in a relationship for decades. (This was before Mr. G and I were legal domestic partners and then married.)

I wasn't about to attend a wedding without my partner; I thought the symbolism of that was too much to ask. On the other hand and knowing the expense of receptions, I didn't feel I could call and ask that an extra person be invited. And I'm not accustomed to lying. So twice I have debated what to do until after the deadline passed and then had to call and invent an excuse anyway.

I don't know that the above will happen again, now that laws and awareness have changed, but I am interested in how others have handled the dilemma.

[dramamama611]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 7:25pm

Why the need to "invent" an excuse? There are nice ways to say things: I don't feel comfortable attending formal affairs without my partner. I'm not even sure if you NEED to give a reason.

I've had the same problem with kid's birthday parties, either showing up without having RSVPing or not showing up after committing.

It's a crazy world out there.

[ahhrealmonsters]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 7:43pm

Marianne- I can't stand Facebook events, yet for some reason, it seems that I always have to resort to them. I hate seeing those "maybes" and the people who don't even bother responding. Is it really that difficult to click "yes" or "no"? You don't even have to make a phone call or send an e-mail... it's literally clicking a button.

[jasonf]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 7:50pm

People who do the "wait till something better comes along" thing drive me NUTS. You were invited to something. Say you're going or say you're not, but it's incredibly thoughtless to not tell the host your intention. I'm right on the border of Generation X and the "Me Generation" -- some of my friends more firmly in the former are worse about this than the latter. On the other hand, I have a friend who is clearly in the me generation and is ANAL about letting my wife and I know when or if she'll be at something we're hosting.

I think it comes down to personality and how people were raised. I'll tell you, though, I've lost friends due to the inconsideration with regard to invitations. The most recent one, though, was due to the couple inviting us out (on New Years Eve no less) along with two other couples and then when something better came along totally bailing on us, leaving another couple and my wife and I with no plans at 8:00 on December 31st. We were PISSED.

[dramamama611]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 8:04pm

I have to admit, I do not take FB invites seriously. I look at those as a mass invite, where individual acknowledgement isn't necessary. I always assume they are a general announcement type thing.

I send them out all the time for my shows, but I don't expect them to give me a head count.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 2/24/13 at 8:15pm

Along those lines, I had no idea we were actually meant to take eVites seriously. At all.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/25/13 at 12:45am

I learned my lesson to not depend on FB events to invite your friends to something.I once had an art opening and party at the theater I worked at. I guess I was new on FB, so I only used that method of inviting. I had a small turnout, mostly my family and a few friends. I found out that most of the people don't even check the FB events, so many of my friends didn't even know about the party.

[Jane2]

Posted: 2/25/13 at 12:52am

Gaveston. we all tell little white lies when it comes to invitations. I do it on occasion. I don't mind someone responding to tell me that they already have something that night, or whatever, even a lie. At least I know that they're not coming.

It's the ones who probably are waiting for something better to come along who wait til the last minute.

I agree with you on the wedding thing though.