Serious discussion-Becoming someone else~

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:14am

How do you feel about changing one's personality? I've always doubted that this could be done (a leopard can't change his spots) but I saw a drastic example recently.

A fellow at work had always been a man of few words. He seemed shy or perhaps, reluctant to speak very much. Plus, he never smiled and had a somewhat arrogant air about him. When he did speak, his remarks were most always sarcastic or condescending, as if he were 'above it all'. No one bothered too much with him.

We got a new boss. At a meeting to introduce herself and talk about new policies which would be put into place, we all had to introduce ourselves and say a few words. When this guy took his turn, the boss made a quick comment referring to his never smiling. He was then removed from the position he held at the job and placed somewhere less visible.

ActII- He immediately changed his entire personality at work. Overnight he changed to a man with a constant, large smile on his face, talking non-stop. In fact, he began talking small talk and nonsense, making jokes whenever possible, with as many people as possible. You couldn't shut this guy up! He spoke to every single person he saw. He's like night and day. And it's been this way for 7 months.

[KelRel]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:16am

Sometimes it takes a wake up call to make you realize how you are behaving and the impression it leaves upon others.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:19am

Obviously, he's banging the new boss.

[Bluemoon]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:26am

I think you can work on the outward manifestations of your personality, but there are certain internal traits that remain fundamental to our 'being'.

I'm very much of an introvert, but I can put on a great face and be terribly extroverted when the occasion calls for it. The difference is that it takes so much psychic energy for me to work that hard at being outgoing, that I'm exhausted by the experience.

Myers-Briggs typology (a study of personality styles) theorizes that we all have our dominant styles and the lesser-developed show sides of our personality. It's a left-hand/right-hand type of deal. If you are right handed, you rely on that dominant hand constantly, but that doesn't mean that you can't/don't/won't use your less developed left hand as well.

Then there's SOMMS's theory............

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:35am

It was suggested by Iflit that I start this thread as an offshoot of the thread last night Sweet Q posted in which she resented another girl's trying to be a Renthead in order to fit in. I followed her suggestion to start a serious discussion about it here. SOMMS, no, he isn't doing the boss, he's got himself a new girlfriend. Another perk of his new self!

[Elphaba]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:44am

obviously he likes working where he does and realized the only way to stay was make some changes. I applaud him, this is not easy to do!

[YouWantitWhen????]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:55am

Sometimes the threat of losing one's job, or not getting that promotion you want, and the corresponding paycheck, does wonders for one's manners and outward dealings with others (as does a talking to by HR or being served with papers - but that does not seem to be what is happening here!).

Maybe he never appreciated how he appeard towards others. Sometimes Maybe he went into therapy to address some inner demons. Maybe he started antideppresants.

Who knows. But at least he seems to be trying. That is better than most.

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:56am

Exactly-where there's a will there's a way. I applaud him also. I assume he's happy this new way because he's stayed that way for so long.

[Calvin]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 9:59am

My sister is quite the chameleon. She was never very political, but all of a sudden when she married her second husband (who is), she became a regular Peggy Noonan. The thing is -- that's not her personality at all. Whenever we get together away from him for a few days, she reverts back to her old self. So sometimes, things are better off as they are.

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:03am

Good point, Calvin, and one I was about to bring up. What if by changing certain things about yourself will please others in general, but will be a stretch for you? Should you do it, or remain true to yourself while possibly alienating, disappointing, or offending others?

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:11am

Bluemoon-Yes, exactly-I'm thinking it must be work psychically and tiresome. That's why I'm asking if one should do this kind of changing. Should we work to please others, or be lazy and stay a shlub?

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:12am

I'm going to put a little different spin on the discussion... Yesterday's thread made me think about how our vision of who we are or who we want to be is often different from reality. And I was also thinking about how sometimes being able to embrace the reality of who we are and be comfortable with it is often very liberating.

Example: There is a part of me who has always wanted to be "superwoman"...a respected professional, a great mom and wife, a wonderful and organized homemaker, physically fit, fashionable, a gourmet cook... The truth is, I'm a fairly mediocre and not-so-organized homemaker, I don't like to cook, I'm a few pounds and a lot of exercise past physically fit, and my fashion sense is not much different than it was thirty years ago. The good news is that I think I am good at my profession, I raised two terrific kids, and my husband seems happy... But the rest of the image just isn't likely to ever happen... Well, maybe the physically fit part, if I turn off the damn computer and haul my *ss over to the gym for a while instead of posting....but you get the general drift.

I used to do the same thing to myself about holidays...I had a two dimensional vision of what Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving et al should be, but that never really works out very well in a three dimensional world. I've found that I am much happier now that I've been able to let go of some of my unrealistic expectations of myself and life in general.

I'm not sure if this is going to make sense to anyone but me, but I'm going to toss it out there without any more editing.

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:17am

I relate strongly to that scenario, and went through a good part of my life wrestling with the reality and the fantasy. I'd go from one phase to the other. One phase was being what I really am and liking it, but then I'd get visions of grandeur and try to make myself into the other person. In the end, I think the two personalities somehow became one (think Sybil) and I guess now I'm a mixture of both. Too bad it took so long and now I'm old. But wise.

[shameless]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:18am

Iflit, that makes perfect sense.

Here's something else to ponder. How do we know if someone has really changed or if they're just putting on an act, because they think that's what people want from them?

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:21am

I think you can tell. I"ve seen someone do that for me, it was so obvious. I assured them that I loved them anyway, and it wasn't necessary to change for me.

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:22am

flit, i never thought you were superwoman. she's like not even a decent hero, anyway. but wonderwoman? i totally buy you in the invisible plane with the bracelets.

i think people can change. it's hard and they have to really want to, but if they make the decision to change, they can. whether that is good or not? i guess if they are making a change that positively affects their life, how could it not be? i think that so much of behavior is learned that if someone picked up harmful habits along the way and later in life made strides to change those habits for healthier (emotionally or physically) ones, how would that harm the person? true, they might not be the person that people have come to know and accept, but if the person that they become is healthier, isn't it then more benficial for that person to make those changes? i mean it's hard for us to look into a person and see what such changes might be doing for them on the inside.

[touchmeinthemorning]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:23am

It should be noted that no one can change another person. The person changes themselves.

Change can be encouraged and discouraged. But, courage to change is internal.

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 10:38am

"Change can be encouraged and discouraged. But, courage to change is internal."

That's pretty profound.

[kissmycookie]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 11:31am

As shameless pointed out, what changes "changes" one as a person, and what changes are simply cosmetic? Detecting these changes depends on how well you know the person involved. Even so, that could be misleading.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 12:04pm

I really believe a person can change - for the better and realistically. I don't think you can change overnight, or force the change.

I am a changing person... I actually prefer to call it 'growing.' I was in an 11-year relationship where I wasn't myself, and have spent way too long in my life doing things to please others, not necessarily paying attention to what's important for me - a side effect of growing up in an alcoholic/latin/catholic/yadda yadda yadda family. I have spent the past 3 years working on changing bad habits, developing new ones, and anyone who has known me longer than 3 years can attest to the fact that I am a different person.

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 12:18pm

Oh, I definitely think that the end of a relationship can allow one to change for the better. When my marriage of 17 years ended (in the early '90s), I discovered how much of my real self I had buried by trying to be things I am not. It's so much better being with someone and not having that feeling that I'm not who or what I am supposed to be. Husband #2 entered the relationship with no illusions.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 12:30pm

For me it's not only the end of the relationship, though. That was the catalyst that started me on the path I'm now. It's been a lot of work trying to alter behaviours of mine that weren't healthy, and I'm struggle with that on a regular basis. It does get easier, though, and eventually I hope effortless.

[Plum]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 12:36pm

I am a changing person... I actually prefer to call it 'growing.'

Isn't everyone? (Well, ideally.) At what point, if any, is the process of natural maturation over and only self-motivated change possible?
Updated On: 3/21/06 at 12:36 PM

[Jane2]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 12:41pm

DD, the person in my first post changed overnight. Drastically. that's why I doubted it. However, I mentioned he's still like that 7 months later. I'll never know if he's faking it or if it's real, and how he feels inside.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 3/21/06 at 12:46pm

I don't know so much about the overnight change. I guess it could be true... I would find it extremely exhausting to put on a charade for that long.