The Official Raúl E. Esparza "Spread the Love" Thread — Page 307

I figured if they were legitimate and important enough, we'd work to keep them alive. I've always believed that it needed to be mutual, which once given physical distance, it wasn't. It makes me sad, though.

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It absolutely has to be mutual! I think you're right.

For me, I think a lot of it has to do with my being an only child. I actually enjoy doing a lot of things by myself and I think my friends take that as me blowing them off. So, yeah.

Well, when I realized that the friendships I was leaving behind were not what I thought they were (many of them were convenience friendships -- we had classes together, so we saw each other all the time, but some of them were legit), I wasn't sad right away. I still have people in my life that I love, but it's just all changing. And sometimes when that sinks in, it makes me sad. Sometimes I realize that almost all of my close friends are people like you guys -- from here. On occasion, that makes me feel absolutely ridiculous.

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I like it better than the phone because I can talk to more than one friend at a time on the internet.

The thing I think that makes me sad is when something happens to make me doubt the stability I think exists here... things that make you go "people come and go so quickly around here." I've always thought of this as a community that was fairly stable, but when things fall apart and people go away, I realize that it's not. And when something that was supposed to be good makes you sad, where's your escape then? I guess it just makes me sad to realize that being here can be painful just like "real life," too.

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Updated On: 11/14/05 at 09:44 PM

I feel like having this immersion has made me more independent, in a way. Not that I like being alone -- I love going places with people who share in my interest -- but it's made it harder for me to form friendships with people who are in my classes and things, because I'm much more into what's around the city than in social life on campus. Maybe that scares people.

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Well, even on a board like this - people are going through things together and learning things together and so it makes sense that a lot of emotions are invested. If anything, I think the fact that this community makes you laugh and cry makes it that much more real.

It's sad that it has to happen. But I think if a friendship can survive the pain then it makes it stronger.

I think it will only survive if both people want it to. I think both people have to be willing to be open, and honest, and willing to give it everything they've got to make it work.

I don't think it a friendship can be fixed any other way. At least not long term.

But I also think that a little bit of it is out of our hands. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Not all friendships are healthy friendships.

I think you're both right, about having it be necessary for both sides to be willing to work, and that's really hard. You can make things work temporarily by compromise, and just hope that it'll keep being okay. It's also hard to know if the desire to make it work gets hidden under more immediate things, etc.

But I don't know what should happen when one person's idea of having peace of mind is giving up, and one person needs that relationship to have peace of mind. Compromise ultimately may not be the answer, but if one person insists upon selfishly getting what they want, then the other ends up hurting.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, too. But that's so much easier to believe when the "thing" is really something that happens to you. When it's an event. It's hard to believe that someone you care so much for "belongs" out of your life, and that good will come of something that hurts you and makes you feel like you're missing something.

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Updated On: 11/14/05 at 10:13 PM

Partially for that reason, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason that way. On the other hand, sometimes the good that comes from the hurt is that you've been able to experience the hurt and to be able to get through it, that you've felt hurt and understood it and appreciated it and let it affect you.

When one person wants to give up and the other wants compromise, it is hard to imagine it continuing to be a healthy relationship if one side is being forced into it or if their heart isn't really there. That's where the hurt comes in and it's not fair, but it's life. (not in the "life's not fair" sense)

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awww, Elphie, you guys look like twins!

I think it's probably safer to say, Alix, that I think things that are truly out of your control happen for a reason. Like, I think there's a reason that Elphie and my plans for the weekend got slightly reshuffled, simply by accident. But it's very, very difficult for me to believe that things people can intentionally do to each other is always for a reason that serves some greater good.

What if the heart is there, but only sometimes, though? Like, my roommate has a friend that she cares for very much, but she's very clingy and wants to be best friends. My roommate can't take that -- she has a lot of problems with this person, and she isn't the kind of person she wants to be her best friend. And sometimes she wants to remain friends with her because she does care for her, but sometimes she feels like her friend's emotions are forcing her into a place where she doesn't want to be. Now they don't know what to do, because if they stay friends, my roommate will have phases of unhappiness and happiness with the situation, but if they don't stay friends, my roommate will have to deal with the fact that she hurt a good person. Ultimately, it would be easiest on my roommate to end the friendship, but the other girl wants badly to continue it. And if a choice is made, someone will end up feeling like the other is selfish, and they've been treated unfairly. But, if they do care for one another, then they'd care to compromise, in my opinion.

It's so hard when you're hurt, but you also think of all of the good stuff, and just don't know what to do. Like, in immediate terms, you wish you could just erase your feelings for the person, get them away and not care about it, but in reality and general terms, you do still want things to be okay. It's really difficult and confusing to want to be mad because you're hurt over things that were said, and you wonder if the person meant them, but have too much invested to let it get the better of you.

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Updated On: 11/14/05 at 10:22 PM

I have a much easier time with relationships in which the trouble is clearly "growing apart." True apart growth is gradual, and it's relatively civil and mutual. But when relationships just fall apart and you feel like you're watching them die, that's really tough.

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