The Official Raúl E. Esparza "Spread the Love" Thread — Page 308

I don't think that the hurt is part of a greater good and that when it's that deep and real, it can be classified as good. Appreciate it in the sense that you can live with it in a sense. This idea came from this incredible book I read by an incredible and giving guy named Scott Fried. I'll try to find a better quote in the book to explain it.

I think many of my relationships are weaker because I haven't said anything for fear of hurting the other person of for fear of what it might do to our relationship in the long run. However, in the long run, I only felt cheated and never knew if it was intentional, having not confronted the person, and they didn't know how I felt. Of course, you have to pick and choose which things to bring up and sometimes it's hard to do that. Personally, I'm not very good at bringing anything up because I tend to avoid confrontation, which is bad.

Elphie, I feel that way too about here. I love being in a place where people understand my love of Rent, Raul, etc.

---

Updated On: 11/14/05 at 10:33 PM

"I guess, g, it's hard to know when you should give in, and if there is such a thing as a point at which it's impossible to fix."

maybe this is one of those things you just have to learn. even if it ends badly, you can still look back on nice memories once the wounds have faded.

i'm sorry this happened to you, though, luvtheemcee. you don't seem like the kind of person who deserves it.

---

If both sides want it to work, I don't think it's ever impossible to fix. It's when one person is invested to a different degree or doesn't want to work on it that it becomes impossible.

If both sides - fighting back and understanding - contain truth, then is it possible to express both of them? to acknowledge that you understand where the other person's coming from but also feel that...

My friends tell me that I'm too nice. But it honestly comes from my heart. Like you said, I don't do things because I think that's the nice thing to do, it's because that's how I'm inclined to act, naturally. So I'm kind of the same way.

---

out of theoretical curiousity, what do you think of a situation in which one friend maintains a desire to fix things and the other wavers between the same and wanting it to end?

---

Although I haven't encountered a lot of confrontation, the three or four times I have entered an emotional "debate," I have started or almost started crying, which surprised me.

If someone waivers, I guess it is up to them to decide if they're committed or not and to then proceed from there. Otherwise, it's not fair to either side.

---

It is natural to dwell on the bad times. But I also think that hardships either make you want to try really hard to bring back the good times or make you shy away to avoid any more pain. If both peopl are feeling differently then that can make it really difficult.

Being that they're the flip-flopper, by definition, they CONSTANTLY change. They may not change from one day into the next, but the problem itself IS that their feelings change.

I've shied away in the past, to avoid further pain and confrontation, and I've let things get away from me. So now my nature has changed, and I'll want to get good things to come back. I regret the way I used to handle things, and more actively chase after what could otherwise get away.

---

Updated On: 11/14/05 at 11:09 PM

What if what they want today is very clearly a product of circumstance, and what they wanted yesterday, or what they may want again tomorrow is the polar opposite? That's a big decision to make so rashly on a whim. It's difficult to me to percieve making such an ultimate, impactful decision based on what you feel, when that's so prone to changing, simply because you're so set on something right now that you think you won't change your mind.

---

Well, the deciding part is obviously a huge issue and one that needs to be thought about and considered on different days. But it's still one that needs to be made at some point.

While you don't want to toy with the emotions of the person who wants to continue the relationship, maybe the fact that the person can't decide means that although it's tough right now, they need the relationship but are afraid of doing the work, or don't always recognize it's worth to their life. Therefore, maybe they should decide to commit to it for a while and if after that, they know they want out, that would be brought up. If that ends up being the end result, the "stable" person will be hurt but will have also known that they gave it a try. On the other hand, the flip flopper may know they want to leave but can't let go for some reason, maybe because they are afraid of hurting the other person, since they still care about him/her. So then you come back to the issue of deciding before proceeding.

---

This is true. This reminds me of my college search and deciding where to apply early. When it comes to some things, especially big decisions, I can definately be a big flip-flopper - seeing the good in both, choosing one but never really deciding to my satisfaction, then convincing myself I made the right choice half the time while doubting my choice the other half. It's hard and in the end, you don't know until you're there whether it's deciding between camps or colleges or what to do with the second half of your senior year - oy. I thinks that's true of relationships too though. As they say, hindsight is always 20/20 and so after all the careful consideration, you just have to make that leap of faith and go for it, hoping for the best.

---

Updated On: 11/14/05 at 11:27 PM

and some of us have weighted dice.

---

It very much is. But that's what keeps us invested I suppose.

And now, I must take advantage of this opportunity to go to sleep before 12 because I'll be mad at myself if I don't, as much as I want to stay up. I was like "5 more minutes" an hour and a half ago! I hope everything works out for the best for you in the end, whatever that may end up being.

Good night!

---