The Official Raúl E. Esparza "Spread the Love" Thread- Page 310

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 1:44pm

*waves*

[angelic1]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:06pm

Oh man. I went shopping. I really need to stop. All I was looking for was a pair of sneakers and I ended up with a lacey wrap thing, a sweater, a sparkly camisole, an awesome pair of boots...and no damn sneakers! Sales racks are my weakness. Ugh...at least my birthday is soon so I can pay off the credit card bill. I really wouldn't know what to do if I were rich. Ah, well...I'll have to do some crazy saving if I'm gonna get to Cincinatti!

Is it weird that I'm listening to Christmas music? O Tannenbaum makes me feel better.

[thetheatrekook]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:08pm

not yet!!! i never start listening to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving.

I totally have a shopping weakness. I got paid on Thursday and DEFINATELY already spent like half of my paycheck. greeeat. :)

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:09pm

Well, I'm Jewish and I listen to Christmas music. In the summer.

So I say it's ok!

[greatdct]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:15pm

Any day is a good day to listen to O Tannenbaum.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:22pm

This girl next door is practicing singing. She's singing/shouting that Faith Hill song from Pearl Harbor, and it's tragic that our walls are so thin.

[thetheatrekook]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:23pm

hahaha. i bet that is lovely to listen to.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 2:30pm

I have to get to class anyway, Hopefully her voice will be shot by the time I return.

I'm unhealthily preoccupied; there's no way I can pay attention, and that's bad. Whatever.

[angelic1]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 4:17pm

Silly question, but when do you think I should buy my tickets to Company? I want to get good seats and definately get tickets, but I need to finalize plans. So...what do you guys think is the latest I'll be able to safely get tickets. Or am I just being weirdly paranoid again?

[greatdct]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 5:04pm

I already got mine. I just like to buy my tickets asap to make sure I can get the best seats I can. I got great seats, though. 6th row dead center orch.

If you are planning to go on opening night then you might want to get them soon.

I have no idea, though. I don't know anything about the Cincinnati Playhouse or the Cincinnati theatre scene to guess how in demand this show is.

[angelic1]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 5:14pm

I think I'll buy tickets to the second preview (cheaper!) and try to rush the night before and/or after. Hmm...I'll wait until Thanksgiving either way. Must have a lengthy conversation with the parental units about how thrifty and safe I would be. Ugh...

[greatdct]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 5:16pm

I didn't even know they had a rush policy. But that makes me a very happy Stefanie.

[Alix7272]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 5:37pm

It's fun to think that I might see this...but I don't see it happening. :-/

I'm happy for Raul though and for his decision to do this. It must be something he really wants to do (I hope so at least) and maybe he's ready to take a break from New York.

Em, I'm sure you've already tried explaining to the person all that you've told us so it seems like there's not much left to do, unless there's another way to express or clarify something or ask the other person to clarify their thoughts so that you can adequately respond. I hope they come to see that they'd be losing a special friend and that all this pain will be eased a bit!

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 5:48pm

I guess it would depend on how big the theatre is, angelic. I mean, it's called a "Playhouse" which to me, implies that it isn't very large, but that's nothing more than a wild guess. How expensive are tickets, anyway? If I get them, it won't be for several months, because my mother isn't very into planning ahead, though this is something that would need planning.

I have no idea what to do, Alix. I've been trying for a while now to clarify and explain things and justify myself, and they're simply not even being addressed, and I'm not getting any feedback that gives me any insight. Instead I'm being given cop-outs and accusations that are really hurtful and unfair. I honestly don't even know what she's thinking. It's like a wall's been put up, and I don't even know why. The hardest part is that I don't even think I've done anything wrong. Like, I wish that I could get through to this person's head that I don't even understand where this sudden bout of meanness has come from, but I feel like I'm talking to someone who's not even the same as the friend I'm afraid to lose anymore. I don't know what else to do but yell back, because I'm trying so hard to get the point across and I want my effort to be obvious, so I'm not accused of not caring. I feel like somewhere, her intention is to chase me away in hopes of making this easy way out easier. Sometimes I think the best thing to do is try to let go, but this person has been such a huge part of my life that then all sorts of memories will cause me pain, and I can't take that. I feel like if I at least knew what I did wrong, things might be clearer, but I just do not know what to do.

I'm so preoccupied by this, it's really not healthy. I have so much work to do, but trying to sort this all out is getting in the way. I just sort of stare into space and think about it, and I can't pay attention in class.

... and now my mom is picking a fight with me, too. She's mad that I haven't written anything for the school's paper in a while, and says it's not an excuse that the editors have been extremely lazy and out-of-touch. I can't just take over the paper and do what I want. I literally can't even get in touch with them to ask what's going on, so what I am supposed to do?

I'm just helpless all around today.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 05:48 PM

[Alix7272]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:27pm

Awww. *big hug*

From how you're describing the situation, it does sound like the person is different than the friend she (I think it's a she and my wrong grammar has been bugging me, not that i'm the best with it) was once able to be. Is it possible that something happened in her life to cause this sudden change of mind and heart? Maybe, next time she puts up a wall, you could simply ask, what have I done that you're so angry about that you won't talk to me and what can I do to help us communicate again? I know we've both made mistakes and I've tried to apologize and to let you know how I feel, but I feel like you're not giving me anything to work with. You're still very important to me and I want to make this work. I know it's so hard to say that and opens you up to so much, but at this point, it sounds like you've almost hit bottom and might as well (I don't mean that as casually as it sounds) take the plunge and then from there, start healing, hopefully the friendship and not just yourself. I guess part of the danger of that is her saying that you should know what you did, but hopefully, the second part will take care of that.

It's totally understandable that this would preoccupy your thoughts. I know whenever I think that someone might even be the slightlest bit angry with me, I think about it constantly and this is so much deeper than that. Since it seems to have been going on for so long though, maybe there's some sort of exercise you can do in order help those thoughts leave your mind and allow you to focus. I know it might sound funny, but there might be something that can help. Listening to music? For me, it's dance. Usually, it's really cleansing and clears my mind for the rest of the night.

Does your mom know about your big and wonderful interview that will be in the newspaper soon? That's huge! Other than that, try not to let her get to you? It's so hard, but if you know you've done everything you can do, then that's all. Hopefully, she can try to understand that.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 06:27 PM

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:39pm

Well, she's acting very differently, but it reads like she's just so angry that she forgets how well she knows me, and that I wouldn't do the things she's intimating I would do, and accusing me of doing. The stranger thing though, is that the change is not at ALL gradual. This was on a dime, literally in less than a day.

This is someone that I've known quite frequently to take circumstance of her own life out on other people, and often that target can be me. But this is playing out differently, as though I've actually done something. This is also someone I've known to be jealous, but what's going on now is going even farther than jealousy; it's just mean.

I've resorted to asking flat-out what her intentions are, and what I've done to make her act that way, but so far the questions are getting ignored. My inclination is that it's something I did wrong very indirectly, becaues I know I've done nothing to hurt her on purpose. I don't know what I can do that I haven't done already to make it extremely obvious that I want to try to fix what I've done, and to fix the relationship, which needs some serious rescue efforts right now, but I can't give them because all I get back is something really nasty. I'm really honest about these things, and have a far easier time taking that plunge of being really open, but the other person has a lot of trouble doing that, even though it ultimately is for the best, and extremely helpful/useful.

I don't know how to focus. I don't know how to get this out of my head without it being fixed, because I don't have the ability to agree to just walking away from it without knowing that I'll regret it forever -- and that's not an exaggeration.

I really, really have to get my work done. I wish that I had that weird ability people have sometimes to just turn off their emotions, and not let things impact them.

I wish there were an answer to this -- something simple that someone could tell me to do and things would be fixed.

My mom definitely knows about it, but she just keeps telling me that she's sure I messed up and it won't get published ever for one reason or another. *shrug* She's never been an optimist. She thought I wouldn't even get the interview.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 06:39 PM

[greatdct]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:46pm

It sounds like you are doing all you can do to fix it. I think now it's going to be up to her to put some effort into it. I hope she does. And I hope that things get better.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:50pm

But she won't. And all I have to do then is sit around and worry, wondering if she'll ever change her mind, and hating myself for the fact that I've chased someone I care for very much away from me -- especially because I don't know the real reasons. I suspect them, but I don't fully understand them, but I think they're things that can be fixed and dealt with. It's a mindset that I have trouble understanding, because they aren't "typical" reasons for this kind of problem -- I didn't actively do anything. I know that's vague, but the specifics are complicated. In any event, they shouldn't be screwing things up this badly, in my eyes.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 06:50 PM

[Alix7272]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:53pm

It sounds like you've tried everything and have very open about the whole process, but unfortunately, she can't see that. Maybe there's something going on that's not letting her think as clearly or another relationship that she's transfering to this one, without completely realizing. Perhaps you can remind her, remember, it's me? I understand, I'm here, so please let me be here. I don't know if she goes to your school or not, but if not, is there a way for you to meet in person and try talking? Or have you tried the phone at all? Maybe it will be easier to get through to each other that way. That's all I can think of at the moment, considering everything that you've said has already gone on. Sorry I don't have anything more useful to suggest.

Maybe you can find a way to concentrate without having to turn off your emotions. Work with the sadness there, but still be able to work. You think going to a yoga class or something like that for an hour might help? And then when a thought creeps in, chase it away! Just for the hour or two that you need to.

That's crazy! Of course the interview will be published! At least she knows that you have something on the way, and now she has to be patient and wait to read the lovely article.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 06:53 PM

[greatdct]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:54pm

I think that you are taking too much of the blame. It sounds like you have done everything but chase her away. I think she ran away herself. For whatever reason. I don't think you deserve to be put through this.

I have to go take cover. Three tornados are heading my way and the tornado sirens in my city are going off. I'll be back later.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 6:57pm

Meeting in person is... not an option, unfortunately. This is all online. Text-type is all I have at my disposal. This is all what I meant about caring too much about people I haven't even met yet.

I keep reminding her that she knows me too well to be saying and thinking half the things that are coming into play, and that no matter what's going on, I haven't changed at all. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in -- either I'm not doing a good enough job of trying, or she's trying to keep it from penetrating her.

And g, I think you're not wrong, but I wish that I could stop her from running away. I feel like I caused it, or set something about her off that made her insecure enough to run away. I've offered every reassuring explanation I can think of, though.

We have to edit the interview; it's FAR too long. But since it's all really important to me, I don't feel like I can be held properly responsible for making the decisions, nor do I want someone unfamiliar with the material to do it alone. But the editor hasn't returned my emails or anything about meeting to discuss it. I'm kind of like "um, someone gave me an hour of his time. Work with me!"

Stay safe, g!

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 06:57 PM

[Alix7272]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 7:05pm

Oh no g! I hope everything's OK!

Also, I very much agree with what you said.

It sounds like she's keeping you at a distance, not the other way around, and maybe what's needed now is to wait for her to find her footing. So please don't be mad at yourself. (easier said than done, I know)

Maybe there's someone you can work with, maybe a friend who understands the significance, who isn't necessarily on the newspaper or impossible to contact, to cut down the article if you were given a length for it and then submit that.

ETA: You know how last night I was talking about being with your feelings? sort of. Well, I just got the book and I was looking for a good quote and I want to copy whole chapters! It's doesn't all pertain and the book isn't fully about relationships, but it's amazing. I just know that for the time I was reading it, I would read a little bit before I went to sleep every night and when I finished, I wish I still had it to read. I think it brings out a strength in you in a way, and helps with thinking clearly. It's called My Invisible Kingdom by Scott Fried, but I don't think it's sold in book stores. If you want, I'll bring it to the screening for you to borrow. I don't know if you want ANOTHER thing to read, but our conversation made me think about it. Maybe it won't help at all. I don't know.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 07:05 PM

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 7:12pm

I've said many, many times that I'm perfectly willing to wait, but it's hard to do when I have to worry that if I wait and let her explore her feelings and options, I'm going to be signaling that I'm okay with letting her go, and that I'll lose her for good. I feel like I have to keep fighting for the relationship to make it clear that I still care about it. Plus, the things she's saying are so final. They're not "let me figure things out." That certainly could be anger taking over what she means underneath, but I'm scared.

I think I'm *supposed* to work on it with an editor. I'll give them til the end of this week, and then try to figure something out.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 07:12 PM

[Alix7272]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 7:24pm

I wish there was something more I could do. You don't deserve this, but I honestly don't know what else to say because you've already done a good job on your part. I get the impression that she is scared too, but not handling it very well because it's so hard. I could be totally wrong, but it sounds like there's something going on in her life or something in the past - an experience or relationship or witnessing somebody else's - that is playing a big role in how she is behaving and that she has to recognize that in order to change her behavior, or to at least explore why she can't move past this point, because I would think she wants to, given the fact that she continues to respond, even with nasty comments.

Sounds like (I keep using that phrase.) a good plan. If they don't come around, just go for it with someone else. That way it can hopefull come out in conjunction with the movie?

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 11/15/05 at 7:27pm

I think you're absolutely right.

Like I said last night, though, the time is limited. Whether or not we can work this out dictates some plans I have, and I'd like to know what the deal is -- rather than getting snippy one-liners that gloss over the real problem -- so that I can finalize my plans, to be selfish, honestly. I just wish I knew how to get answers, when they need to happen very, very quickly.

The plan is to line it up with the movie, yeah.

Updated On: 11/15/05 at 07:27 PM