Best Broadway Musicals that NEVER EXISTED

[Michael Bennett]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 11:41am

What do you say, guys? Isn't it time for a revival of SIZZLE '76, that bawdy revue that made a star out of C.C. Bloom, featuring the hit "Otto Titsling?"

Or how about a cross the pond transfer of ELEPHANT, the brilliant RSC musical of "The Elephant Man?"

And shouldn't encores really be looking at Madeline Ashford's last starring vehicle -- SONGBIRD, THE SWEET BIRD OF YOUTH MUSICAL? All together now, "I See Me, I See Me..."

Any other suggestions? We do after all finally have SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER performing around the country.
Updated On: 8/4/05 at 11:41 AM

[wildcat]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:00pm

What was that awful show Lauren Bacall was rehearsing in "The Fan"?

And the Helen Lawson vehicle which saw her tear up the town with "I'll Plant My Own Tree"?

And the terribly modern operetta in which Vera Charles crooned "The Man in the Moon is a Lady"?

And, best of all, the dance extravaganza starring the shaved and buff John Travolta in "Staying Alive"...

Updated On: 8/4/05 at 12:00 PM

[TonyInATL]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:17pm

Oh, Elephant!, the show from The Tall Guy, with Jeff Goldblum and Emma Thompson, certainly gets my vote. Remember the tap-dancing elephants? Hilarious!

Somewhere in heaven, there's an angel with big ears



And how about "Oh, Streetcar!", the musical version of A Streetcar Named Desire from The Simpsons?

New Orleans!
Home of pirates, drunks and whores
New Orleans!
Tacky overpriced souvenir stores

If you want to go to hell, you should take a trip
To the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Mississip'

Updated On: 8/4/05 at 12:17 PM

[Jon]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:37pm

You forgot CHECKING IN - the Betty Ford Center musical from The Simpsons.

By the way, long before "The Tall Guy", SCTV did an Elephant Man musical starring Amthony Newley (played by Eugene Levy)singing the title song to the tune of "The Candy Man".

And what about the Off-Broadway musical that starred Joey Tribbiani as Sigmund Freud?

[bare_nakedlady]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:40pm

Here's a long shot!

"RED, WHITE, and BLAINE"

What a cult following it would have!

"Grab your woman by the arm,
Take her out behind the barn!"

Updated On: 8/4/05 at 12:40 PM

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:42pm

John Travolta's musical in "Staying Alive" was called Satan's Alley. I loved it because not only does he re-choreograph it during opening night, improvising the plot & steps on stage, but the lighting was such that it looked like lasers were pointed directly into the audience, causing a friend to observe- "Perhaps that's why the opening night audience is cheering- they've been blinded and can't see a thing!"

Let's not forget "Rochelle, Rochelle!" The musical that starred Bette Midler on "Seinfeld" that chronicled "A young girls erotic journey from Milan to Minsk" in song.

[TonyInATL]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:45pm

Well, while we're on musicals from The Simpsons, how about Smithers' Malibu Stacy musical? Ha-haaa.

SMITHERS: Sold separately,
Sometimes I feel like I've been
Sold separately.
But out of the box I find you poseable ...
[turns to Stacy]

STACY: Loveable ...
[turns to Smithers]

BOTH: Just ... like ... me.

[cut to a bored man in the audience, and his wife]
MAN: This is better than a movie ... why?

Updated On: 8/4/05 at 12:45 PM

[Hanna from Hamburg]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:49pm

Well, as long as "Mary Poppins" is coming, why can't we also have "Sherry Bobbins"?

LOVE that episode!!!!!

[TonyInATL]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:50pm

How could we forget Rochelle, Rochelle, Joe? "A young girl's STRANGE erotic journey from Milan to Minsk".

Oh, you've made a long journey
from Milan to Minsk.
Rochelle, Rochelle!
You never stoped hoping,
now you're in the pinsk.
Rochelle, Rochelle!

When the naysayers nay,
you pick up the pace.
You said, "Nothing's gonna stop me,
so get out of my face!"
I'm having adventures
all over the place!
Rochelle, Rochelle!!



Updated On: 8/4/05 at 12:50 PM

[Michael Bennett]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:51pm

THE SIMPSONS is practically an alternate universe of Broadway musicals -- Remember the musical of "PLANET OF THE APES?"

"I hate every chimp I see, from Champ-an-zay to Chimp-an-zee. You'll never make a monkey out of me."
Updated On: 8/4/05 at 12:51 PM

[Hanna from Hamburg]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:53pm

You could fill every broadway house with a Simpson's musical!!

[broadwaystar2b]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 12:59pm

Dybbyck Shmybbyck, I Said 'More Ham'

Featuring the good time classic "Bubi Made A Kishka"

[bwaysinger]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:00pm

I saw an Amanda Green/Tom Kitt song called "Knockin' 'em Back" written for a screenplay with Christine Ebersole's character performing the number from Betty!: The Betty Ford musical.
It was so hysterical I couldn't stop laughing long after it was over.

[TonyInATL]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:02pm

Yep, Michael.

It was called Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off.

Featuring the show-stopping "Dr. Zaius", sung to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus" byyyyy....Falco?

Yes, more silly lyrics from T...

Apes: [in unison]
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Ohhhh... Dr. Zaius

Troy: What's wrong with me?
Zaius: I think you're crazy.
Troy: I want a second opinion.
Zaius: You're also lazy.



Updated On: 8/4/05 at 01:02 PM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:02pm

The Scarlet Letter starring Belle Poitrine!

[Michael Bennett]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:06pm

Going way back....does anyone remember the show SQUARE PEGS starring Sarah Jessica Parker? She gets the lead in her high school musical -- "A CAFETERIA LINE"

featuring such great lyrics as:

"How do you make chicken fried steak?
How do you eat mystery meat?
You don't know how I felt, when I shared your tuna melt.
I'd love to sit and watch while you are stuffin, your pretty little face with a pizza muffin."

[Sluggy]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:09pm

"Julie And Carol: Together Again" featured "The Phantom of the Opry", that timeless classic set in Nashville.

[Forester]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:17pm

South Park: Helen Keller the Musical.

[TonyInATL]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:22pm

I remember Square Pegs, with its theme by The Waitresses. It now airs every now and then on HDNet.

Sluggy, you've reminded me of a variation on Phantom of the Opera from the show Wings, called Phantom of the Oprah, a musical that takes place on the set of The Oprah Winfrey Show, with Fay as Oprah.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:34pm

[Ourtime992]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:54pm

I agree with those nominating Red, White and Blaine!

Broadway, get ready for a STOOL BOOM!

[Enjolras77]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 1:58pm

Speaking of all the musicals and musical parodies on The Simpsons reminded me of similiar epsiodes on the cartoon series Animaniacs. I remember a Les Miserables parody entitled "Les Miser-animals" which part of was sung by Rita the cat (voiced by none other than Bernadette Peters). I also recall another musical parody done during a "Goodfeathers" episode, as well as an episode where the Warners enteracted with a cartoon version of Andrew Lloyd Webber, or at least it was a character who was supposed to resemble Lloyd Webber. Does anyone else remember any of these? It has probably been a decade since I have seen them.

[Calvin]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 2:05pm

Animaniacs did great musical parodies! The Goodfeathers did Fiddler and West Side Story. The one with Andrew Lloyd Webber had parodies of songs from Sunset Boulevard, Phantom, Evita and Cats. They also did a Gilbert & Sullivan parody. Lots of goodies for theater-lovers in that show.

But as to the original question...if they ever did the rap version of Snow White ala "Saved by the Bell," that would run longer than Cats, Phantom and Les Mis combined.

[Hanna from Hamburg]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 2:08pm

I think they should do a full version of the "Nancy: An Unauthorized Musical" skit from "Whoop Dee Do Review" about Nancy Regan:

". . . her dresses may be extra smalls . . . but, I have the biggest inaugural balls . . ."

LOL

[TonyInATL]

Posted: 8/4/05 at 2:19pm

Does anyone remember Get a Life! with Chris Elliot? Remember the musical they put on that had zoo animals on roller skates? If I recall, Chris was a wildebeest or something, and got to deliver a solo number.