Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:29pm
Funniest Musical Theatre lyrics? 
Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:37pm
CHARLOTTE:
A weekend in the country--
ANNE:
But it's frightful!
CHARLOTTE:
No, you don't understand.
A weekend in the country
Is delightful
If it's planned.
Wear your hair down, and a flower,
Don't use makeup, dress in white.
She'll grow older by the hour
And be hopelessly shattered by Saturday night.
Spend a weekend in the country.
ANNE:
We'll accept it!
CHARLOTTE:
I'd a feeling you would.
ANNE & CHARLOTTE:
A weekend in the country--
ANNE:
Yes! It's only polite that we should.
CHARLOTTE:
Good!
Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:45pm
Singing pork, Dancing Veal, what an entertaining meal!
Posted: 9/3/15 at 3:46pm
"Bless this bride, totally insane, slipping down the drain"
Posted: 9/3/15 at 4:21pm
"Wouldn't do in my shop!
just the thought of its enough to make you sick!
and I'm tellin' you them **** cats is quick!"
Funniest lyrics in in the history of Broadway musicals
Edit: sorry about the *****. Not sure where they came from.
Updated On: 9/3/15 at 04:21 PM
Posted: 9/3/15 at 4:26pm
I love Sheldon Harnick's "Someone's Been Sending Me Flowers" from Shoestring Revue.
Someone’s been sending me flowers
Oh, what a sweet thing to do.
Every new day brings another bouquet
And I don’t know who to say thank you to
Sometimes they’re thrown through my window
Or down through the chimney they fall
Sometimes at night when I’ve turned out the light
They come through a crack in the wall
Now that my house is a garden
Bursting with blossoms in bloom
I stand here for hours admiring my flowers
I’d like to lie down, but there just isn’t room
Someone’s been sending me flowers
More than I ever have had
Remarkable stuff but enough is enough
If I see another bouquet, I’ll go mad
He started by sending me bluebells
Oddly enough, they were grey
Each faded bloom had a nasty perfume
Besides being grey, they were papier-mache
There followed a garland of fungus
Then, as a tropical treat
He sent me a plant that proceeded to pant
And later began to eat meat
The cactus corsage touched me deeply
A beautiful plant in its prime
I felt much the same when the rock garden came
One rock at a time
Somebody madly adores me
I know not whom to suspect
Since I cannot afford to be madly adored
I do wish you’d stop sending flowers … collect.
Here's Blossom Dearie performing it.
Updated On: 9/3/15 at 04:26 PM
Posted: 9/3/15 at 4:44pm
And Lorenz Hart's "At the Roxy Music Hall" from I Married an Angel.
You’ve got to come to New York
It would be such a pity
For anyone to go through life
Without seeing Roxy City
The first thing foreigners do in New York is to look at Roxy City
Oh, come with me and you won’t believe a thing you see
Where an usher puts his heart in what he ushes
Where the fountain changes color when it gushes
Where the seats caress your carcass with their plushes
At the Roxy Music Hall
Hold my hand, don’t be frightened when you hear that band
It comes up like Ali Baba from the cellar
Through the courtesy of Mr. Rockefeller
Then they play the Overture from William Tell-er
At the Roxy Music Hall
You don’t have to read the ad
It’s always worth the dough
Anytime you go
It’s the same old show
Don’t be shy if a naked statue meets your eye
Where the ballet is so sweet with birds and roses
That you break out with a rash before it closes
At the Roxy Music Hall
Step this way, hear the super duper organ play
Where they change the lights a million times a minute
And the stage goes up and down when they begin it
It’s a wonder Mrs. Roosevelt isn’t in it
At the Roxy Music Hall
Come along, hear them sing the Volga Boatmen’s Song
Where the acrobats are whirling on their digits
And the balcony’s so high you get the fidgets
Where the actors seem to be a lot of midgets
At the Roxy Music Hall
If you’re lost while climbing up and find the going hard
They are on their guard
They send a St. Bernard
Oh, come with me where the drinking cups are always free
It’s a wonderland where everyone is Alice
Where the ladies room is bigger than a palace
At the Roxy Music Hall
Here's original cast member Audrey Christie performing it.
Updated On: 9/3/15 at 04:44 PM
Posted: 9/3/15 at 5:02pm
The Boy From... (From The Mad Show)
TALL AND TENDER, LIKE AN APOLLO,
HE GOES WALKING BY, AND I HAVE TO FOLLOW HIM,
THE BOY FROM TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ. ("crooth"
WHEN WE MEET, I FEEL I'M ON FIRE
AND I'M BREATHLESS EVERYTIME I ENQUIRE,
"HOW ARE THINGS IN TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ." ("crooth"
WHY, WHEN I SPEAK, DOES HE VANISH?
OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO.
WHY IS HE ACTING SO CLANNISH?
OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO.
I WISH I UNDERSTOOD SPANISH.
WHEN I TELL HIM I THINK HE'S THE END,
HE GIGGLES A LOT WITH HIS FRIEND.
TALL AND SLENDER, MOVES LIKE A DANCER,
BUT I NEVER SEEM TO GET ANY ANSWER
FROM THE BOY FROM TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ. ("crooth"
I GOT THE BLUETH.
WHY ARE HIS TROUSERS VERMILLION?
HIS TROUSERS ARE VERMILLION.
WHY DOES HE CLAIM HE'S CASTILIAN?
HE THAYTH THAT HE'TH CATHTILIAN.
WHY DO HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM LILLIAN?
AND I HEAR AT THE END OF THE WEEK
HE'S LEAVING TO START A BOUTIQUE.
THOUGH I SMILE, I'M ONLY PRETENDING
'CAUSE I KNOW TODAY'S THE LAST I'LL BE SPENDING
WITH THE BOY FROM TACAREMBO LA TUMBE DEL FUEGO SANTA MALIPAS ZATATECAS LA JUNTA DEL SOL Y CRUZ. ("crooth"
TOMORROW HE SAILS.
HE'S MOVING TO WALES,
TO LIVE IN LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYR NDROBULLLLANDYSILIOGOGOGOCH
Read more at https://www.songlyrics.com/stephen-sondheim/the-boy-from-lyrics/#R8OdGvlUtt8F24R1.99
Posted: 9/3/15 at 5:13pm
"Meet the Family," the showstopper from Peter Wildeblood and Peter Greenwell's The Crooked Mile.
If a man gets the idea that you’re flibberty-jibberty
And starts gettin’ ready to take a diabolical liberty
If he gives you a line you’re not keen on swallowing
Give him an old-fashioned look
And repeat the following
Ta, ever so, ever so ta
That was a lovely compliment
But please remember, I’m a lady
And you’re supposed to be a gent
No, we cannot make it a date
I’m too young to stop out late
But please, tomorrow come to tea
And meet the family
Dear ol’ dad’s an all-in wrestler
Weighing-in at nineteen stones
Brother Bill’s a body builder
And his hobby’s breaking bones
Sister Mona tears a phone book
Into little tiny shreds
Come along and meet ‘em
Come along and greet ‘em
They’re a family of thoroughbreds
Ta, ever so, ever so ta
That was a lovely compliment
But please remember, I’m a lady
And you’re supposed to be a gent
No, we cannot make it a date
I’m too young to stop out late
But please, tomorrow come to tea
And meet the family
There’s a bloodhound in the kitchen
Hasn’t had a bite all day
Uncle Arthur’s back in Dartmoor
Auntie’s with the I.R.A
Grandma’s digging in the cellar
No-one knows where grandpa is
They’re a lot of smashers
Bruisers, boozers, bashers
They’re a family of savages
Ta, ever so, ever so ta
That was a lovely compliment
But please remember, I’m a lady
And you’re supposed to be a gent
No, we cannot make it a date
I’m too young to stop out late
But please, tomorrow come to tea
And meet the family
Come along and meet ‘em
Come along and greet ‘em
Meet the family
Here's Millicent Martin and Elisabeth Welch performing it from the cast album.
Updated On: 9/3/15 at 05:13 PM
Posted: 9/3/15 at 5:40pm
To Keep My Love Alive by Rodgers and Hart.
I've been married and married,
And often I've sighed,
I'm never a bridesmaid,
I'm always the bride.
I never divorced them-
I hadn't the heart.
Yet remember these sweet words
"Till death do us part."
I married many men,
A ton of them,
And yet I was untrue to none of them
because I bumped off ev'ry one of them
to keep my love alive
Sir Paul was a frail;
he looked a wreck to me.
At night he was a horse's neck to me
So I performed an appendectomy
To keep my love alive.
Sir Thomas had insomnia
he couldn't sleep at night.
I bought a little arsenic
he's sleeping now all right.
Sir Philip played the harp;
I cussed the thing.
I crowned with his harp
to bust the thing.
And now he plays where harps are
just the thing,
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive.
I thought Sir George had possibilities,
but his flirtations made me ill at ease,
and when I'm ill at ease
I kill at ease
To keep my love alive.
Sir Charles came from a sanatorium
and yelled for drinks in my emporium
I mixed one drink
He's in memorium
To keep my love alive.
Sir Francis was a singing bird
A nightingale. That's why
I tossed him off my balcony
To see if he could fly
Sir Athelstane indulged in fratricide;
He killed his dad and that was patricide
One night I stabbed him at my mattress side
To keep my love alive,
To keep my love alive.
Mary Testa kills it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtWTyw95XLQ
Posted: 9/3/15 at 6:02pm
"Garlic, garlic"
Posted: 9/3/15 at 6:20pm
"Just a weekend in the country
Smelling jasmine
Watching little things grow"
I chuckle every time I hear this part/the entire scene.
Updated On: 9/3/15 at 06:20 PM
Posted: 9/3/15 at 8:09pm
I have never gotten tired of the lyrics of "class" from Chicago. Those "ladies" are so coarse and crass. Of course their woeful demeanor is vital for the humor as well. I hated that it was left out of the film.
Posted: 9/3/15 at 8:59pm
Mrs. Bernstein, as equity representative, I must warn you, any further threats and YOU will be brought up on charges!
Aw, shut up, Elaine!
The name... is BAMBI!....Mother. (Show People from Curtains)
Posted: 9/3/15 at 9:28pm
In the theater, I have never laughed as hard or as often as during "Try Priest".
"No, you see the trouble with poet
Is 'ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest."
But some of my reaction was no doubt comic relief from what had gone before.
So for an entire comic lyric, it's hard to beat the version of the following that debuted in SIDE BY SIDE BY SONDHEIM:
WE’RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT
Honey Bunch, sad to say but I have a hunch
Screen romances went out-to-lunch -- that's no reason to pout.
Don't look bleak -- happy endings can spring a leak,
'Ever after can mean one week,
We're just having a drought.
Smile and sweat it out.
If we can just hang on, we'll have compatibility
You musn't worry -- we're gonna be alright.
One day the ache is gone.
(There's nothing like senility.)
So what's your hurry -- we're gonna be alright.
Meanwhile, relax.
You take a lover, I'll take a lover
When that's played-out, they get the axe.
We can retire, sit by the fire.
Fade out.
We'll build our house upon
The rock of my virility
We'd better scurry -- we're gonna be all night.
Oh boy -- we're gonna be alright.
I was told just be faithful and never scold,
Sounded easy so I was sold -- I've been miserable since.
I was taught when the prince and the dragon fought
That the dragon was always caught,
Now I don't even wince
When it eats the prince.
I know I perfect pair -- they're lives are at the pinnacle.
But how do we know they're gonna be alright.
The bride is slightly square, the groom is slightly cynical
A little vino -- they're gonna be alright.
She aims to please. She has a baby
Then though they maybe having fine times
When there's a crise, she has another
Now she's a mother
Nine times.
It all went wrong -- but where?
Details are slightly clinical.
She's out in Reno. The kids adored the flight.
Hi ho -- they're gonna be alright.
Honey Child, bury everything. Learn to smile
Happy couples can stay in style just by practicing charm.
All is well ('least as far as their friends can tell).
Please ignore the peculiar smell -- there's no cause for alarm.
(Mildew will do harm.)
She once was quite well read.
He once was intellectual.
No one's suspicious -- they're gonna be alright.
She's nice and sweet and dead.
He's tall and ineffectual.
They look delicious -- they're gonna be alright.
Who's on the skids? She goes to night school
(If it's the right school, he'll permit her.)
They love their kids, they love their friends too
Lately he tends to
Hit her.
Sometimes she drinks in bed,
Sometimes he's homosexual,
But why be vicious? They keep it out of sight?
Good show -- they're gonna be all right.
And so -- they're gonna be alright.
Hi ho -- we're gonna be alright."
Trust me, kids. Although it seems tame now, "sometimes he's homosexual" was hilarious, multi-layered stuff in the mid-1970s.
Updated On: 9/3/15 at 09:28 PM
Posted: 9/3/15 at 10:46pm
It's hard to top The Grass Is Always Greener - especially where each line one-ups the next:
"There's more to life than husbands"
"I could use a husband" (laugh)
"You can have my husband (LAUGH)
"Iv'e already had your husband" (MAJOR LAUGH)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQpE15e4Zbo (OBC)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqPLNRNLvbA (maryilyn cooper and raquel welch on later Tony broadcast)
