Profile for Right Said Rick

I agree with you Mr. Michael John LaChiusa. That "Marie Christine" is a real hoot! You ain't been entertained until a real, live Greek Chorus starts a'singin' at ya. Makes a boy wanna kick his heels up and hoedown Broadway-style. Now, ya'll may prefer the traitorous race-mixing of "Hairspray" but I likes my musicals to be pedantic. Now, don't start callin' me a racist or a pedophile or a racist pedophile. I am just an American. A real American who likes his women compliant and his musicals re...

I loved her in "Horshack."

Shaiman, I am so sick and tired of you bragging 'bout yer stinkin' "accomplishments!" So now ya go and write a moving and personal tribute to a national icon whose untimely death has saddened a nation. Worst thing 'bout it is that you ain't so high and mighty that you can't share it with fellow fans on the web. You really think yer a regular Mother Teresa.

Hey Shaiman, When will you premiering 50 Checks again? I love your premieres. They're so redundant. Good stuff!

Weeds, I saw yer Karate Kid and yeah it was great but one of the female cast members bore a striking resemblence to a certain scenery chewer that I know. Any relation? By the way, how's the herpes?

Yeah, Mr. Marc. That was real funny like. It was like a chorus of gay hobbits. I have to admit that I felt all crazy mixed up inside when you were wearing those wigs. I couldn't tell if you were a feller or a lady and part of me just didn't care. Specifically, it was the part below my belt and above my knees. And I thought Richard Speck looked hot with his pair of lady's boobies. You've got it all over him. Plus, he's dead already so there's half the fun gone out the window. It just ain't any...

Howdy ya'll. I had a rip snortin dream the other night. As I slumbered under a bed of loosely packed peat moss (as I sometimes do) I dreamt the beautificent mother of all dreams. I was at a big hootenanny and ya'll was ther too! There was Voiceanth, JRB, Vicious, RobbieJ, PB, Etoile, even that Papalovesmambo. There was a big stage too and people were a hootin and hollerin all night. A man with expertly manicured and maintained eyebrows spoke to us and introduced all these fancy pants singin' ...

I ain't gonna go all fancy on you guys. I'm gonna dress like a feller who looks good and knows it. First comes my merkin. I may be old fashioned but it just don't feel right if I ain't got my pubic wig on. Ass-less leather chaps are a must for an occasion like this. Nipple clamps? Check! Vacuum pump? (in case the swelling goes down) Check! A light ass and perenium powdering? Check! Leather vest and angled leather Portugese fisherman's cap? Check! Needle nose in the backpocket? Check! Toolkit ...

Well, if it ain't Broadway World's birthday. Heck, Happy Birthday to those boys Rob and Craig. Ya'll done right by me. Where else could a convicted kidnapper, elder abuser and hirsute sexual sadist find a home on the web but here at Broadway World? I want to do somethin' real special for those BW boys who started it all. How's about a soup bowl made out of a human skull? Ya don't see that too often on the Great White Way, now do ya? All I knows is that you boys are welcome to bunk up with me ...

Listen Biggins, while I am partial to the opinion of a hairy man, you are out of line. I don't want to sound like that ass-kissin toadie Eddie Varley but that "Fifty Checks" brought tears to my eye. Jeez, that Varley could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. By "suck" I mean "kiss" and by "trailer hitch" I mean Marc Shaiman's ass. Could anyone recommend a good pubic mousse? It's gettin a little tangled and unruly down there.

Hey thar Shaiman, I'd like to invest too! I don't got much of yer American currency but If yer willin' to do the exchange, then I can have you knee deep in cat pelts and rat tails in no time. I may live in a a series of interconnected caves and abandoned railway tunnels and subsist on a diet of stray cats and gravel but I ain't no yokel. I knows a good song when I hears it.

Yeah, he can be rude. He just ain't the same since I made him squeal like a pig.

That Shaiman feller got me feelin' all mixed up and funny inside. He was hootin' and hollerin' up a storm last night. His lady friends were real good too. I could barely contain myself from runnin' up on that stage and grabbin the little feller mid-song, tightly trussing him with an electrical cord and tossing him in my plastic-lined trunk. Ya'll can thank me for postponing his abduction until after his wonderful performance. I didn't want ya'll to feel cheated. Don't you worry, I dug a nice ...

I'll tell ya'll straight up, I ain't got nothin' to do with the disappearance of Marc Shaiman. I'll tells ya the same thing that I told those cops. I asked Marc if he liked little puppies and if he wouldn't mind helping me look for mine because he gots lost. He said yes and we looked fer a little while and then it got dark and I sent Marc home with lots of candy and ice cream. It ain't my problem if he hasn't been seen posting ever since. I didn't touch a hair on his back. I swear.

Yeehaaw! This is gonna be a real shindig! I can't wait to see that Eddie Varley get up and hoot and holler. He's like Buck Owens, Minnie Pearl and Tom Bosley wrapped up in one tiny, effeminate package. Now, that what I'd call a triple threat. I just might be persuaded to play the spoons for ya'll.

I don't know bout ya'll but I am so excited about that Marc Shaiman comin' to New Jersey. I ain't never been there but ya gotta go sometime, right? I'm already workin on a plan to get my ass outta jail. I been tryin to pass this dang file for the past three years but now I gots a reason to push extra hard.

"Ain't too bad on the eyes?" I'll say. If a fella like Scott got himself incarcerated with the likes of me, he'd think everyday was his birthday. When I think of those piercing eyes and surgically manicured eyebrows, I just gets all crazy mixed up inside. If trouble came lookin' for him, I'd be the first in line to pull my shiv and cut it up real messy like as a warnin' to the rest. "Don't let your crew mess with my Scott," I'd say "or you're messin' with me!"

I was raised as a Pentecostal snake handler and while I am not trying to impose my religious beliefs upon ya'll, you do see things differently when you have a Yellowbelly Sea Snake tearing up your arm. For one thing, it keeps my mind off of those gays. They're constantly sneakin' around and trying to legitimize their long term relationships through one of them there gay marriages. I'm from Kentucky and I was raised to believe that marriage is between a man and his sister and it's nobody's bus...

Yes, I do believe that Broadway will become extinct. As we speak, scientists from all over the world are tracking a meteor that, if it continues traveling at the current trajectory, will strike Broadway in a matter of months. In preparation for the impact I have taken refuge in a nearby cave at the rock quarry. Inside my new cave home I have assembled all of the best and brightest Broadway performers as represented in cardboard cut-out form. Often, we will speak of the days and months followi...

I given this a lot of thought. Yes, Phantom 2, I will be your valentine. I would like to start immediately. Where do you live?