Hey everyone, thanks for the very kind and welcoming messages. I appreciate it much more than any of you would ever know.
I was released this am, kinda traumatizing experience in some ways. For anyone else here with BPD, id think long and hard before going to an emergency room, if you can. Obviously everyone's own perspective and stories are different so I'm just going to speak from mine and give my advice:
The entire experience is triggering, which I knew going in because they obviously wanted to know why I was at the hospital considering ending it all. Maybe I was too naive going in, but I did not realize we'd discuss THE ROOTS of my issues. Idk why, but I guess I didnt expect a full on 24 hour therapy/pyshcriatic meeting. This is likely naive on my part however. I knew it'd be intense but I did not expect to get into EVERYTHING, including my childhood trauma. Please take this into consideration before entering.
After intinital diagnosis I did some other medical tests as my overall health has been declining and I got my bedroom for the next 2 evenings. For someone with anxiety, I like to know whats coming obviously. During this entire process I was very rarely kept in the loop for what was happening next, or at least until it was happening. I was given a new prescription before bed, some doses I took immediately while others waited until the next day. I, thankfully, did not have a roommate.
Next morning was a "group therapy" session, there are more official terms for these but I can't remember them right now. This group included me along with 6 other patients. 3 of which were in similar situations to me, while the other 3 were in more prolonged rehabilitation for their various needs. This discussion centered around what got us here, and why we need/want to get back into the real world as soon as possible and the steps we can do to take them. I found this to be the best part of this experience, as its basically a big encouragement session for everybody. As somebody who has a family that does nothing but judge others, shame others, and look down on others, this was INCREDIBLY refreshing. This is what actually made me feel little "better" id say. I met again with doctors and psychiatrists about an hour following this to discuss how I felt afterwards. They all felt another not in hospice was necessary before they released me. I disagreed, but in hindsight they were correct. They wanted to gauge how my medicine initially reacted to me as well.
Next morning, yesterday, I got up and was immediately sent into another meeting with psychiatrists and doctors. Essentially the same meetings as we have had before, seemed like a proper follow up. I sat in my room for another hour, constantly monitored as well, and waited for another group session. This group session lasted around 3 hours and was very beneficial I found for everyone involved. Same group as the day before, discussing similar tactics and how the tactics we've learned and applied in these sessions can be taken out into the real world. After that I felt much better or I at least felt like I had some sort of outlook, no matter what is was. That was something I haven't felt for months honestly.
Based on that, and meeting with my psychatrists later that evening we felt releasing me this morning was appropriate. I have scheduled a follow up appointment for this week with the same doctors and pyshciatrists this week, along with attending another group session since I found them beneficial. Once these plans were developed I was released.
Just to be clear, its ENTIRELY under the hospital's discression to release you. Something I did not know going in, as I didn't really want to spend a 2nd night but was not really given a choice.
So overall, Ive personally walked away from is positively as I was released. However I felt like I've lived an entire life this past weekend so I am utterly spent and exhausted. I think in my case this will ultimately be helpful, as I need a support group desperately and I may have found one here. But, that being said, I'm not so sure I can recommend this to everyone with BPD. You need to know yourself and know what you're getting yourself into. You are going to talk about the things you desperately want to avoid, you're going to tackle those things head on, you're going to meet people who are just like you, but you are ultimately out of control when you are there. Literally, because you've checked yourself in, and because the doctors basically seem to have full control over you once you begin treatment. Its a very intense experience and while only being gone for just over 48 hours, man this was one of the hardest most grueling things I have never done. So please know what you're getting into going in. I could see these being very unsuccessful for some people as it is too stress inducing.
Ultimately do what you need to do get yourself through the tough times. This is how I did it, just sharing my experience, but id advise anyone who's in a situation or mindset like mine to just be cautious heading into something like this. Anyways, thank you for anyone who has bothered reading this or making a comment showing their support for me. I truly, truly appreciate it. No matter what has been said by me or others on this board in the past, minus a few very select posters, I do enjoy coming back to this community and will continue to for the near future. Cheers, everyone!
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