Cheating because you have no will power?

[ChiChi]

Posted: 10/17/11 at 9:52pm

I sit next to a guy at work who just told me that he really doesn't want to cheat on his wife, but he just can't help himself. That got me thinking, is he an idiot, or is it possible that he can't help himself.

Now I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty dumb and manic a lot of the time, and may very well act as stupid as he does. Of course, I would have to be found attractive by two people first. One to be my spouse, and one to be the elicit lover.

What does everyone else think?

[AC126748]

Posted: 10/17/11 at 10:31pm

Just going off the information you've provided, perhaps he has a legitimate problem--sex addiction, or a fear of intimacy? I've known people who've cheated as a means of self-sabotage; they do it subconsciously in order to hijack a "functional relationship," such as a marriage or long-term partnership, because at a core level they're terrified of intimacy and monogamy. As someone who's never cheated (and, to my knowledge, never been cheated on), it's very hard for me to wrap my head around. But I've known many who've done it for the reasons I listed above. Just a thought.

[ChiChi]

Posted: 10/17/11 at 10:42pm

That actually makes a lot of sense. Though I've never cheated, I can definitely say that I have approached scenarios in the manner in which you speak of.

[blaxx]

Posted: 10/17/11 at 11:01pm

I'd take loyalty over fidelity any time.

[ChiChi]

Posted: 10/17/11 at 11:06pm

Wow Blaxx. That's really nice. Can you elaborate on your belief a bit? Just because?

[blaxx]

Posted: 10/18/11 at 12:00am

I just think that sexual fidelity has nothing to do with emotional loyalty. True, if a couple has an agreement then breaking it will be cheating. But few couples never agree to anything, everything is assumed.

I think that as long as both people in the couple are loyal to their partnership, they should not feel they own their individuality to the other person.

[dented146]

Posted: 10/18/11 at 1:38am

Not cheating takes a combination of respect for your partner, will power, and lack of opportunity. And it helps if you have a lot of the first two and not too much of the last.

[ChiChi]

Posted: 10/18/11 at 9:30pm

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I've been cheated on before. I would say that, for me anyway, the physical cheating resulted in really bad emotional pain. So I guess I can't seperate the two like some people.

[aliceripleysnumber1]

Posted: 10/21/11 at 6:01pm

I don't know...maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I believe that if you don't feel emotional pain just thinking about someone being sexually intimate with your partner, than something must be wrong with your relationship. These "open relationships" these days are just a cop out in my opinion. Basically, you aren't mature enough to really BE in a relationship, and all of the responsibilities that go with it - so you decide to live the "single life" sexually.

I'm pretty liberal when it comes to most things....but come on.

*climbs down off of soapbox*

[StockardFan]

Posted: 10/21/11 at 7:31pm

Well the guy ChiChi is talking about in the OP is married. To me that is an agreement that you won't cheat. I don't think you should have to have a discussion about being monogamous if you are married. (this is in response to Blaxx's post)

[blaxx]

Posted: 10/21/11 at 7:41pm

I never said discussion, I said agreement. A marriage is already an agreement. But within that agreement there are fine lines - some might consider having coffee with somebody else cheating, or meeting with an ex to chat. I just think that whatever you do, it should be clear and never implied.

[btthegreat]

Posted: 10/23/11 at 6:25pm

I have been lucky. I think your parents have a lot to do with whether you see fidelity as promise-keeping and whether you hold it sacred. If your dad has affairs, or rationalizes them in others, you are far more likely to do the same. Some men just don't see it as part of personal honor or integrity the same way as, say, not snitching or stealing

[Q]

Posted: 10/23/11 at 7:19pm

"If your dad . . ."
"Some men . . ."

So this is only a male phenomenon? Who knew.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 10/23/11 at 8:11pm

I believe that if you don't feel emotional pain just thinking about someone being sexually intimate with your partner, than something must be wrong with your relationship.

I'm sorry, that just makes me laugh. If something my partner does physically with somebody else that has nothing to do with his emotional commitment to me doesn't cause me pain, there's something wrong with ME? Just THINKING about it should be enough to cause me pain? Honey, that's a sign you need therapy not that you're in a good relationship.

Not buying into the cultural norms of possession, ownership and jealousy means I'm not MATURE enough to be in a relationship? That's s really funny. To me what you're saying is through the looking glass stuff.

Not sweating the small stuff and knowing what really matters is a part of maturity. The statements you make seem like the stuff of a tear-stained 16 year-old's diary.

Updated On: 10/23/11 at 08:11 PM

[best12bars]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 8:39am

There are no universal rules. The "commitment" needs to be mutually agreed-upon by the people involved. That's all.

If he's having sexual encounters outside of this relationship, and his wife is not cool with it, he has violated their commitment. It's not up to him alone to make the decision. But if it's mutually agreed-upon, he hasn't violated the commitment.

More often than not, though, I see an "open relationship" that's really only "open" with one of the partners. That, i find wrong.

Approaching it from the other side, I've been in a situation (a couple of times actually) where I've been approached by someone in a relationship who wanted to involve me (presumably for a fling). I couldn't and wouldn't do it. At the time, I was single (so it was a while ago), but I knew I wanted a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship myself someday. There was no way I could involve myself (knowingly) in any relationship that wasn't. Plus, it was clear to me that the other partner, in both cases, wasn't aware of what was going on. At best, he was "turning a blind eye." Again, I find that wrong.

I think "responsibility" and "respect" are key words missing from many so-called committed relationships today. A lot of "grownups" who are acting anything but grown-up.

Updated On: 10/24/11 at 08:39 AM

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 9:33am

I think "responsibility" and "respect" are key words missing from many so-called committed relationships today. A lot of "grownups" who are acting anything but grown-up.

My last relationship in a nutshell right there.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 12:28pm

Yeah...ya know what?

I was in a relationship for nearly 8 years. We made an agreement early on that we didn't need to be sexually exclusive, but that we should be honest with each other if we did do something sexually with someone else. It worked. Spectacularly well.

Maybe I'm not mature enough to know that I wasn't actually IN a relationship. But I can tell you I am mature enough to know what 'death do us part' means. And if you do happen to initimately know what that means, that you'd realize that judging a relationship on whether it's open or not is so much F*CKing bullSH*T. Honestly...make whatever choice you need to for yourself and your relationsip. But get the rest of our lives and choices out of your F*CKing mouth.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 12:46pm

Don't you get the feeling that people claiming their type of relationship is the only one that's "real" have an underlying panic that's as much about convincing themselves as anyone else?

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 12:47pm

Yep.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 1:03pm

Ding Ding Ding!

I suggest you pick one of those cute teddy bears as your prize!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 1:11pm

I'll take this one.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 1:14pm

I'll take whatever is left when you are through with him.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 1:19pm

We'll split an order! (PS My partner says it's okay but only if I take pictures.)

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 1:22pm

My two boyfriends want video. I'd settle for just licking the veins in his biceps.

[ChiChi]

Posted: 10/24/11 at 1:34pm

I really like how hairy he is.