I Enjoy Being a Girl Vol 2!- Page 126

[Weez]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 6:07pm

Damnit, you girls are making me want to go red again. I haven't seen my natural hair colour since I was 14 and I really thought I could make it this time, but it looks like I won't now. Gonna figure out my finances then see if I can pick up some red dye. If not, I'm sure I have a dark reddy-brown somewhere that'll do in the interim...

Have been watching The West Wing. I've no idea when I started, but I've just finished season 2 and am getting through anything from 2 to 6 episodes a night. I have GOT to find a show to be in soon, or I'm going to find myself stalking politicians, which would blow, because British politics is nowhere NEAR as sexy as US politics. Although I've seen The Thick of It and In the Loop, so perhaps my personal style would be better suited to UK politics after all. If US politics is a big graceful German Shepherd that often does dumb stuff but is always happy to be groomed, then UK politics is a small scrappy terrier who lost his teeth years ago but doesn't let that stop him trying to bite everyone.

Wow, you know you need sleep when you look at politics and see dogs. O_O

NewGirl, I have nothing helpful to say, but know that I have sympathy for your pain and confidence it will pass when you realise it's his loss and not yours.

Night all!

[StockardFan]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 6:22pm

newgirl, I feel your pain. But if it's any consolation, if you didn't think he was right for you back then, he probably wasn't.

(((hugs)))

[xxnewgirlxx]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 6:29pm

Ah, you ladies are too kind. It's not really painful, just a little sad, you know? I'm sure she's a lovely girl and they are happy together.

[danmag]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 6:32pm

Those damn blondes....

[clever name]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 6:48pm

newgirl, that sucks. A downside of FB for sure.

[justagirl2]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 7:03pm

Aw, newgirl. It's totally natural to feel sad in that situation. But this too shall pass, and sooner than you think.

Weez, American politics are far from sexy. You aren't missing out. Somehow, the fat old guys get laid the most. In West Wing world, though, it's TOTALLY sexy.

[clever name]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 7:09pm

Do you guys find it funny that we are all different characters from Glee on FB? We're the whole cast!

[danmag]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 7:14pm

I'm just so excited to be the crazy cheerleading coach!

[justagirl2]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 7:23pm

Oh, I meant to publish that! Mine is completely wrong, but she isn't taken yet so I'll go with it.

ETA: I probably should be the coach, too. We even share a last name...but danmag's PERFECT.
Updated On: 9/11/09 at 07:23 PM

[Select a Member Name]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 7:46pm

Thank god it's Friday! I don't know about y'all, but I'm exhausted!

[Schmerg_The_Impaler]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 8:38pm

I got that diva girl who doesn't want to sing backup, but I didn't post it because I wanted to be that kid in the wheelchair. ^_^ He's my favorite...

[Pianolin717]

Posted: 9/11/09 at 11:47pm

it's ok Schmerg... I wanted to be Mercedes so I cheated so I got her lol

[Weez]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 4:33am

JAG: I've seen Rahm Emanuel, there is no way I'm going to believe any claims that US politics has no sexiness.

Do we have a kid in a wheelchair? We can't be in Glee until we do! D:

[nygrl232]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 5:27am

Hijacking the thread with more of my crap...

It's been too hard. I want to know what it's like to live life actually INTERESTED in something, and not trying so hard to appear so.

I try to like things and be around people. Both difficult. I get tired easily, lose interest...it's exhausting. People can tell that I'm barely there, and they treat me accordingly. I feel like a ghost.

Tried to study for the GRE...lasted 20 minutes. Boredom, sense of futility showed up as always. I've taken one yoga class in my life. A handful of dance. Never tried these things before because right now all I have is time on my hands.

Try to take pictures, blah. Try to act. No one wants all this depression subtext under the smile. Try to cook. Can't taste anything.

It shouldn't be this hard, should it? I have to force myself to eat, exercise, be interested in anything. Nothing feels right, never really has. I'm tired of feeling afraid, of the constant paranoia that seems to be depression's roommate, of worrying about my state, of trying to fit in. Knowing that humans are built for happiness, consciousness, gratitude, love.

This reads like a suicide note. I try to stay in gratitude, but there is no motivation, no spark, no fire in me whatsoever. I can't seem to do a job for long--people relegate me to ghost status. In the past I've worked very hard, but ultimately got crap pay, wasn't good at the job or motivated or treated all that well, and was usually laid off.

I don't allow disrespect or any negativity from others anymore, but I can't seem to prevent feeling like this, or drag myself out of this rut. Every day, I have to cheer myself up to get something done. I'm successful about 20% of the time.

Medication--tried it. Doesn't work for me. Therapy--doesn't help me. Energy work, meditation, law of attraction stuff--nothing incites anything within me to make things better. Everything just feels over. I'd always hoped I'd grow out of it, attract better things, but I'm sick of trying to care and be passionate, or even feel marginally better.

Depression hurts, as the ad says. Well, yeah, but it mostly just feels like an absence of humanity, consciousness, emotion. Nothing bloody matters, it's just all kind of blank.

I'm a lot like the parents. They're kind of into nothing, too. They're blank, unhappy people. They've had a disastrous influence on all their kids.

Anyway, needed to vent. But this pattern is so beyond tiresome that it wouldn't exist if it weren't for the habitrail it's laid along my neuronal paths. Right now as I'm typing this, my mind is generating fearful thoughts, summoning thoughts of someone I know who's had misfortune lately, threateningly suggesting that any complaint I have would attract similar misfortune. That kind of thing's been going on since I was a kid.

Sometimes I wonder if someone cursed me or I have what's called a 'spiritual attachment' that drains the energy and I can't get rid of it.

Thanks for the vent. Again.

[StockardFan]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 7:48am

nygrl........you have me worried about you! I know you said you've tried everything, but you need to keep trying. Meds - maybe you haven't hit on the right one. Therapy - keep trying different therapists. There has to be one out there that can help. You just haven't found him/her yet.

I'm not trained at this sort of thing, so I don't know what to say really, but know that we here at IEBAG care about you and are here for you......

[HellsBells2]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 9:29am

Well said Stockard! nygrl, you can not give up on a way to conquer this. I too believe that you have just not tried the 'right' therapist or medication. But your biggest ally is yourself, you need to concentrate on getting control of this.

Right now you have done a great job of recording how you are feeling, this is the sort of thing you should print out and bring to a good therapist or doctor.

But something I think you should try is to start writing down anything and everything that makes you smile, laugh, feel good, inspires interest or curiousity (no matter how small) - WRITE IT DOWN. Do this everyday - only write down POSITIVES! Then reread these things over and over again and focus on them.

Try to limit your exposure to people who are detrimental to your mood, increase your exposure to people who see the glass half full, who make you laugh.

Do belly-laugh therapy - where you force yourself to laugh heartily - even if there isn't anything funny - LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH - it releases good things into your body and mind.

By all means vent here - but what I'd like to see you do is find one thing everyday that you can write here that made you laugh, smile or feel good in some way.

[justagirl2]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 2:06pm

Hells gives great advice, especially the writing part. Because, nygrl, you're a compelling writer...I can tell from your posts. It might have the side effect of bringing joy that doing something you're truly good at does.

I don't have any experience with this type of thing, but as Stockard said, we're here for you and worried about you. Please let us know how you're doing!

[Pianolin717]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 5:20pm

Yes, I agree with Hells! Try starting a blog. I started one a little over a week ago because I wasn't all that happy and I just tried to focus my thoughts on having great days and focusing on the positives and then at the end of the day I just wrote whatever came to mind and "new" things I learned about myself. I really think this might help you because it makes you think of what's wrong and then it allows you to see ways to fix it that you might not if it's not written down.

But yes, we are ALL here for you!

[nygrl232]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 5:43pm

Thanks, Stockard, Bells and JAG. I'm really touched...
Thanks for the compliment, JAG.

Writers have addressed depression before, I guess. Whoever came up with the ideas behind the myths of Hades must have been depressed at some point. The punishments of Sisyphus and Tantalus seem to reflect someone manifesting a certain depressive time encountered at least once in their lives.

Whoever cooked up the story of Cinderella was probably frustrated as hell and wished someone would come along and magically get him or her out of an emotional or physical cul de sac.

Meds are strange. They tend to be formulated to fit a specific need, and if they don't, they just flail about in the system and cause side effects. Doctors really lean on meds, too. They've blamed me in the past when I told them the pills didn't work.

Can't seem to connect with anyone--I look around and everyone has someone or something or both in their lives in some way. I've never really had much of that. I've tried, and it goes away.

I've always held myself away too, because being around people immediately triggers the role I tend to be put into, and it's not a role I agree with. So few people just let things be and try not to be so controlling.

A psychic told me that my soul is frigging super old and that can apparently cause emotional problems. Hey, anything's possible. It'd certainly explain a few weird things.

Anyway, thanks girls.

[HellsBells2]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 7:21pm

Piano, I LOVE that. It's funny that you say that, because you always strike me as such a happy, upbeat type of person. But I know all of us have moments that are down - I just love that you found a way to work on that......so productive!!!!

nygrl, listening to when you say "Can't seem to connect with anyone"........I think that might be because right now you need to connect with yourself. There was a time in my life when I looked to other people to "make" me happy, I found that only I could truly "make" myself happy. Only then can you be happy with someone else. You can do it, I know you can........just work it sweet lady. Meanwhile, lean on us.

[withoutlovewithoutU]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 10:11pm

nygrl. I know that "can't connect" feeling all too well.... I am in that place lately and I also close myself off. I have a very serious fear of being clingy/codependent that manifested after a pretty emotionally abusive high school relationship....
I also have struggled with serious depression at different points in my life (Mostly in 9th grade and freshman year of college for very different reasons) and it is still something I struggle with every single day. What you are going though strikes a cord with me... the only reason I am slightly better now or even here right now is because I made a change and took a risk. When I made a change in my life I met one of the few people who, to this day, can life me out of my really dark moments. Music and writing really helped me also (meds didn't help me either, so don't feel bad about that). Just know that you can beat this... I am totally here for you

[Pianolin717]

Posted: 9/12/09 at 11:35pm

Thanks Hells! see, I am a happy camper the majority of the time but when I'm down... I'm down and I was wayyyy down the week before last... it was pretty bad, BUT I tried to keep it to myself and I finally realized my happiness is determined by me and not the others around me, so as long as I do everything I can to have a good day and I do, then I'll be great. I dunno, I just have to let things go and just concentrate on having a wonderful day and then I do

[clever name]

Posted: 9/13/09 at 9:38am

Good Morning, Ladies and Piano!

Im off to see Bye Bye Birdie today, so if you don't hear from me in the next few days it's because I was arrested for trying to bring John Stamos home with me. Wish me luck!! :)

[danmag]

Posted: 9/13/09 at 12:13pm

Good luck Clever...and btw, I'll be at the Next to Normal matinee on Saturday...Is there any chance you're going then? I know you mentioned you might be seeing it in September....

[justagirl2]

Posted: 9/13/09 at 3:20pm

Have fun, Clever! Ogle John long and good for me, will you?