DISCLAIMER: Maisie & Schmerg, read this at your own risk...I warn you now!!!
What's up bitches!!!(Believe it or not that's a term of endearment from me)
Newgirl, Since nothing actually happened at this gathering I'll just have to use my patented Tofu imagination to conjure up what
should have happened. Hmmmm...let's see...(I must warn you I used to write in college so yeah )
You're mingling at said gathering enjoying the festivities and the other partygoers' company chatting, sampling hor'dourves, etc...With Merlot in hand you hear more guests enter the establishment through the front door and out of curiosity you turn slightly to eye the newest members of the soiree. Rolling your eyes and heaving a small sigh you mutter under your breath something to the effect of: "That Muther F*cker actually showed up?!" Determined to still have a good time you down the rest of your Merlot and help yourself to another, savoring the taste momentarily ridding your mind of said "Muther F*cker".
As the party wears on your mind completely forgets about "Him" and all is well. The various conversations buzzing around go from one interesting topic to another, sparking entertaining yet slightly heated debates but still all in good fun. The food is delicious, and like any other woman you notice the cheesecake first, hoping to get at it as soon as possible but still remain dignified and vow to yourself not to make the "Nom Nom Nom" sound while noshing. Everything is just fine until the Merlot hits and the loo is in order. You knock on the door to the guest bathroom hoping to god it's empty, but alas it's occupied and for quite a long time too. You knock again and hear a rather brash high pitched voice, almost a sqeal, tell you to "F*ck off!!!" You can detect that it's the voice of an obviously rude woman who has no respect for you or the host's facilities. You almost completely forget your pressing urge and ball up your fists trying to calm down and find your center before you break the door down and wring that HARLOT'S scrawny neck!!! After another 3 minutes the door finally swings open and out walks some hussy you failed to notice earlier which is weird because your radar for even fuglier versions of Tori Spelling during her 90210 Donna-Days is normally pretty dead on. 
(EWWW)
You'd like to engage in a bitch fit, but-cha gotta go and resolve to "deal" with her later. After your short break you scour the party for Ass Ugly Tory, as you've so named her, only to find her snuggled up next to your ex near the dessert table taking the first slice of your coveted cheesecake. And that's the last f*cking straw!! First "He" shows up, this hot mess of a woman curses you out, you realize that this scuzzy is who he's moving in with, and now they're dipping into your luscious dessert?! No WAY!!! You march straight up to the happy couple, introduce yourself and say hello with a big ol' punch to Tory's jaw leaving "Him" stunned, mouth agape. He stammers searching for words but nothing comes out. Tory's just as surprised trying to regain her bearings because you packed quite a wallop in that exchange and knocked her off kilter. You mockingly extend your hand in greeting to Tory saying in a fake sincere tone: "Hi I'm (Insert real name). Remember a little while ago when you were in the bathroom for the better part of a day and I knocked on the door waiting for you to relinquish your hold on the toilet? Well I thought you were giving birth to a crack baby, so me being the concerned citizen that I am I wanted to see if you needed assistance. But when I realized that you were just being a selfish, bug-eyed c*nt I had to give you a proper greeting...the Five Finger Solute!! My FIST was dying to meet you and who am I to delay introductions, right? So you're his new slut huh? Sucks to be you, what with his bitching, moaning and uncontrollable crying after the Big "O". I swear he's like a woman except that women have more balls than this douche. *Sigh* I used to think it was cute that he slept with a stuffed Binky, but now it's just creepy. Good luck in the whole felatio department. I'm the reigning champ in that arena...I can flip my tongue into a clover and tie a cherry stem into a knot. *Wink* Anyway kids when your little romance hits the skids, which it will, I hope you both give the other an itchy STD to remember each other by."
Picking up a half full glass of red wine you reach for "His" belt and pour the rich liquid down his pants. Making Tory gasp and "Him" twitch and cringe at the contact. You then turn, gather your purse and jacket and head for the door saying on your way out: "Oh and I faked every LAST one of 'em!!! Lovely party Dan see you next week."
Waving you make your grand exit...
*Finis* A little lengthy, but I think I got my point across. I really wish that had happened though LOL
I grew up an only child and had a VERY active imagination and a lot of time on my hands. *sigh*
And BB, hope your second date goes well, hope you feel a spark or even a little static shock. LOL.
"I have the prettiest mother..."--Rhoda Penmark~~~ The Bad Seed
Updated On: 6/2/09 at 02:28 AM
