My Nephew Came Out (Need Guidance)

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 10:37am

I need honest feedback and thoughtful guidance. While reaching out to complete strangers and posting personal info can be a terrifying proposition, it's also an anonymous one and sometimes you can gain more honest feedback and insight that way. I know what my husband will say. I know what my best friend will say. I need other opinions.

The scenario I face is personal but one that I am comfortable sharing. Although I have only been posting for a couple of months, I have been following the Boards for several years now and it feels like a virtual "home" of sorts. I do constantly regret my username because of the sock puppet accusations, but I also thank Jordan and Henrik and TheatreDiva and Carlos (among many others) who have privately reached out to welcome me with open arms.


I knew I was gay at a very young age. It was never a question or struggle. I was gay and my parents knew, too. There was never a big "coming out" discussion. I've been happily married since 2003 and my husband is best friends with my parents! LOL

Recently, however, my 13-year-old nephew came out to me. He is the sweetest kid I know and we treat him like a son. He has confided in me and only I know. It was a surprising revelation at first. When he came out to me, though, he also asked me to help him tell his parents. This is where I am a bit lost.

His mother, my sister, married a man who does not believe in equality. I have not interacted with them in years and I only speak to my sister when I absolutely must. Her marriage to this vile man completely destroyed our relationship. Furthermore, it might sound silly but I have never had the "coming out" talk. I would have no idea where to start and how to give my nephew the support he needs while also speaking up for him.

This is a very difficult scenario. It's quite complicated. I apologize for the lengthy post but if you made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read it. I would appreciate any guidance or feedback you can offer.

Just need to clear my head before this all happens.

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 10:44am

When you say that your sister's marriage destroyed your relationship with her, do you mean because you just don't talk anymore or that the relationship is actually bad now? I guess what I'm really asking is does your sister share her husband's views, or is she accepting of you and your husband?

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 10:57am

Hi, Reg. I'm not entirely sure.. I believe that deep down she is accepting of us and would also be accepting of her son. But then again, her husband has a very strong grip on her. I am worried about that aspect of this but more worried about actually being the one to help my nephew say what he needs to say because I have never had this conversation.

[WhizzerMarvin]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 11:03am

What do you think the consequence to your nephew would be if he came out to his father? Does he feel the threat of any physical abuse? Would he get thrown out of the house?

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 11:04am

I wonder if you might have a preliminary conversation with your sister--not about your nephew, but about you and your relationship with her. That might be worth doing anyway, but it could also help pave the way for the conversation your nephew needs to have with his parents.

My other question is: Is your nephew asking you to actually be the one to tell his parents (which I don't think is a good idea), or is he just asking for your help in figuring out how to do it?

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 11:12am

Whizzer, thankfully no. He is a terrible closed-minded man but too much of a coward to ever do anything. He has a big mouth. That's about it.

Reg, that's not a terrible idea. Thanks. And to answer your question, no. He is not asking me to do it for him. I agree that would not go over well.. He is asking for help and also wants me to be there, in the room, with him.

I know there is not going to be a right and wrong answer. It's not a black and white issue. But I was hoping some of you have gone through similar experiences in your life and could share those.

[WhizzerMarvin]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 11:30am

Well that is good to hear that there is no fear of violence. Is he planning on telling them both at the same time? I know it can pit the parents against each other, but would be he be more comfortable telling his mother first?

My mom found out I was gay because I forgot to clear the history on the computer and she found a bunch of gay porn. I did get a kick out of the fact that she accused my brother before me though, although he also came out of the closet a few years later!

My dad was very accepting from the start so I luckily never had to deal with a parent who made things difficult for me. Maybe I'm a coward, but if I did know my parents were going to not take it well I probably would have waited until I was out of the house at college.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 11:35am

Perhaps you should come out to them first.

[EricMontreal22]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 11:59am

I think Reg's suggestion that you sorta test the waters, so to speak, is a good one, even at the risk that your brother-in-law could think you played a part in your nephew's "decision." (Which is why it would be something you'd have to do carefully.)

I know from experience that even the most homophobic seeming people sometimes react quite differently when they realize that someone close to them, and someone they love, is gay-- Obviously that's not to suggest you clearly come out to them and then bring up your nephew, but it sounds like it would give you a better idea of how to deal with the issue.

[Greekmusicalfan]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:13pm

First of all, I'd like to say that your nephew is really lucky to have you in his life. No matter what happens, he will have you always to count on and I'm sure that's a big relief for him.

Given the circumstances you describe, I'm worrying about what will happen if you are in the room when he tells them. Given his bigoted father's character and your relationship with his parents, I'm afraid he will lash on to you, blaming you for this. Closed-minded people always irrationally look for somebody to blame, when something doesn't go according to their plans. It would be hard to keep your temper in that case and that will only create bigger problems for the boy...

It is a good thing that his father is not violent. Whatever happens, have long talks with your nephew, prepare him for the problems he will probably face and assure him you are always by his side, accepting and loving him !

I wish you and the boy all the best !

Updated On: 7/25/13 at 12:13 PM

[JustAGuy]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:26pm

I have a question. Actually several.

If your nephew is 13...and you haven't interacted with your sister and her husband in years. How have you developed this close relationship with your nephew? Does he sneak out of his house to see you? Do his parents not know about it? How do you communicate with him, without interaction with his parents?

I"m trying to fit the pieces of this story together...and some of them just aren't slipping into place.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:30pm

ding. ding. ding.

[Tom1071]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:44pm

When he says that his sister's marriage to this man has destroyed his relationship with her, it might not mean that they don't speak...he could just be saying that they aren't as close as they used to be...not that they don't have a relationship at all. Strained but not estranged. That's how I interpreted it anyway.

Updated On: 7/25/13 at 12:44 PM

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:47pm

Not at all, JustAGuy. We see him constantly. His mother will drop him off, or he'll just train into NYC on his own, and they are okay. We just do not interact with them. I'm not sure why that is such a foreign concept. They love their son. If he wants to see us, he will see us and they have come to accept that. Perhaps I just didn't communicate all of the details as clearly as you or SonofMammaMiaSam would have liked me to. But happy to answer any and all questions you have if that will help me get your guidance.

Thanks to Greekmusicalfan, Eric, and Reg for the personal insight and thoughts. I appreciate it. I can deal with the sarcastic responses if it also leads to honest and sincere responses from others on here. Thanks again.

ETA: Yes, Tom. You actually beat me to it. Updated On: 7/25/13 at 12:47 PM

[dramamama611]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:58pm

I've been asked to "be there" when a few of my students have decided to come out. You are there to be a source of strength and compassion to the young man.

I'll agree with a bunch of what has been said: definitely talk to him about the possible response he will get. You also need to prepare him that either of his parents (or anyone) might have a very negative reaction that may or may not be temporary. He needs to understand that some people need time to adjust. He wasn't probably "fine" with the realization and needed to come to terms with it, too.

And yes, I think having him come out to his mum first is excellent. But he needs to be part of that decision...he might not have the guts to do it twice. If he does, mum will also be able to figure out the best way to talk to dad, as well.

Lastly, be sure to remind him that no matter WHAT happens with their reactions, he always has you.

I have always been very touched when I've been asked to "be there". It's a wonderful statement to his feelings for you.

[Kavana]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 12:59pm

FIRST: Get your relationship with your sis together before you have this "coming out" conference. The parents may feel it's none of your business and you may have had influence and they will stop those trips to NY.

"A Mother knows". If it is something that is burning his soul that he just has to get this out then he should do so when he is comfortable with himself and as long as you are there for him. F the world.

Life is too short for petty disagreements, You need to confide in your Sis before the table read.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:01pm

Coming out to his parents will not be easy for your nephew, and you cannot make that easier.

All you can do is be there for him, and be yourself with integrity, and if you haven't come out to your sister and brother-in-law, do so immediately and without drama.

As Whizzer said, if there is no possibility of physical violence or your nephew being made homeless, this is less tragic than you are making it. I predict that a year from now or 5 years from now or 10 years from now, your brother-in-law will have accepted his son.

Just be there for your nephew without making this about yourself.

Updated On: 7/25/13 at 01:01 PM

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:09pm

"Just be there for your nephew without making this about yourself."

Thanks PJ. A simple but great reminder. It's easy to lose perspective sometimes.

[JustAGuy]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:21pm

" I have not interacted with them in years and I only speak to my sister when I absolutely must."

How could I have ever gotten the idea..that they aren't on good terms?

How long has this child been taking the train into NYC on his own? What kind of parent allows someone who's barely a teen to travel into a city the size of New York...by themselves?

PLease...there's bull**** all over this story.

Updated On: 7/25/13 at 01:21 PM

[siny]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:23pm

A similar situation here with my son. My husband is not a homophobe per se, but does not believe in gay marriage and does not believe that you are born that way. He believes it's a matter of choice. My son came out to me when he was about 20 and my suggestion was to not tell his father until he is ready to move out. He is 22 now and moved in with his boyfriend of 1.5 yrs this month and told his father before he did. My husband had a very hard time with it and says he wishes he knew sooner because then he could try to talk to him and explain that it's just a phase and that he should try to meet the right girl. Imagine if my son had to put up with it while living with him ? My husband is civil to him when he visits, but says he never wants to meet his b/f and is still hoping that he will turn around.

So, my advice, he should not come out to his father until he is ready to move out. What's the point of coming out to him anyway ? He does not need to know.



Updated On: 7/25/13 at 01:23 PM

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:29pm

"...but does not believe in gay marriage and does not believe that you are born that way."

That actually IS a homophobe.

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:29pm

Sorry you feel that way, JustAGuy. I suppose that's the danger of putting a personal story out there on the big bad internet. I could go into even greater detail about how there are many divorced couples (granted, that's different) who allow their significant other to see a child WITHOUT interacting, or I could speak to the fact that he has been traveling into the City since for the last year and that it's not entirely abnormal since I make sure to meet him at Grand Central every time. But nothing I say will appease you.

I'm just glad I have received this feedback.

siny - thanks for sharing your story. I must admit that I was surprised when he told me he wanted to come out to his parents. I did have a moment of hesitation and that thought in my head, "But why?" But aren't we supposed to encourage openness and pride about who we are? Hiding it just contradicts the lessons we try to teach the LGBT youth.

[JustAGuy]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:39pm

Yes...and no one has ever gotten lost in Grand Central...or no one has ever been delayed in meeting someone at Grand Central. And no one has ever disappeared, while traveling alone...on their way to meet an aunt or uncle.

Jesus...your sister should be arrested for neglect for allowing a child to travel into one of the busiest and arguably one of the most dangerous cities in the world, unaccompanied.

How many kids disappear each month from this city, never to be seen or heard from again?

Coming out is the least of this kid's problems...having parents who are so dumb that they think it's okay for him to come to this city alone...seems be an even bigger issue.

Updated On: 7/25/13 at 01:39 PM

[CarlosAlberto]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:46pm

Gurl pump your brakes. He's not your child. Chill out.

[JustAGuy]

Posted: 7/25/13 at 1:49pm

I know he's not my child....I'm just not buying this story at all. I don't even believe the child exists.

Updated On: 7/25/13 at 01:49 PM