Tell me a joke! — Page 2
#27
Posted: 8/31/13 at 11:17am
A school teacher, Lawyer and a priest were good friends and would vacation together each summer. This year they went on a fabulous cruise! 7 days of beautiful weather, lavish meals- just wonderful. Except..The fourth night, the boat hit an iceberg and began to sink.
The call went out to line up for lifeboats. They took their spot and immediately began to fret- there were not enough boats for everyone. Some passengers would drown.
The men stood in line and finally the teacher said "Look, gentlemen, right behind us in line, a family with three young boys. Their whole lives are ahead of them while we have lived long wonderful lives! Let's step aside and give our spot in this boat to them!"
The lawyer looked back and said "Aw, screw them kids!"
The priest replied "Do you think we have time??"
The call went out to line up for lifeboats. They took their spot and immediately began to fret- there were not enough boats for everyone. Some passengers would drown.
The men stood in line and finally the teacher said "Look, gentlemen, right behind us in line, a family with three young boys. Their whole lives are ahead of them while we have lived long wonderful lives! Let's step aside and give our spot in this boat to them!"
The lawyer looked back and said "Aw, screw them kids!"
The priest replied "Do you think we have time??"
#28
Posted: 8/31/13 at 12:08pm
An eight walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I just haven't been feeling great lately. My energy levels are down, I am not hungry, and I am having frequent headaches."
The doctor nods thoughtfully. Suddenly, he picks the eight up and slams it down on its side. He asks the eight, "How do you feel now?"
The eight replies, "Actually Doc, I feel infinitely better!"
The doctor nods thoughtfully. Suddenly, he picks the eight up and slams it down on its side. He asks the eight, "How do you feel now?"
The eight replies, "Actually Doc, I feel infinitely better!"
My avatar is a reminder to myself. I need lots of reminders...
#29
Posted: 8/31/13 at 12:30pm
After a very long day at work, a man gets home, opens a beer and crashes in his favorite recliner, finally able to relax after being on his feet all day. He takes a drink, turns the TV on and gets comfortable and breaths a sigh of relief right as he hears a knock at the door. He sits there for a second before struggling to get up onto his aching feet and walks over to the door and opens it. He looks around and sees nobody so he shuts the door and goes and sits back down, hoping to finally just settle in for the night. A moment later there's another knock at the door. He can't believe this. He gets up again and walks over on his tired feet and opens the door again. Again, he looks around and sees nobody. As he's closing the door he sees a little worm on the doorstep. Angry that he had to get up twice he reaches down and picks up the worm and throws it across the yard before closing the door and settling in for the night.
2 weeks later, this same man has another rough day at work, on his feet all day. He gets home, opens a beer and sits down in his favorite recliner, happy again to be off of his feet. Not a moment later he hears a knock at the door. He gets up, opens the door and looks down to see that same little worm. He stares at it for a second when the worm looks up at him and says "Hey! What'd you do that for???"
2 weeks later, this same man has another rough day at work, on his feet all day. He gets home, opens a beer and sits down in his favorite recliner, happy again to be off of his feet. Not a moment later he hears a knock at the door. He gets up, opens the door and looks down to see that same little worm. He stares at it for a second when the worm looks up at him and says "Hey! What'd you do that for???"
#30
Posted: 8/31/13 at 2:03pm
I took my grandmother to the Farmer's Market. We're walking around she's pointing out produce telling me how she'd cook it- we're having a wonderful time. We get to one stall where a big basket of potatoes, fresh from the field, is on display. Immediately, my grandmother blushes and giggles and gets tongue tied.
I ask her "Grandma, what has gotten into you?"
Finally she composes herself. "Joey, it's those potatoes! They remind me of your grandfather's balls!"
I look her, aghast "They were that big?"
"Oh no!" she tells me, "but they were that dirty."
I ask her "Grandma, what has gotten into you?"
Finally she composes herself. "Joey, it's those potatoes! They remind me of your grandfather's balls!"
I look her, aghast "They were that big?"
"Oh no!" she tells me, "but they were that dirty."
Updated On: 8/31/13 at 02:03 PM
#32
Posted: 8/31/13 at 2:25pm
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
Meet Patty.
My avatar is a reminder to myself. I need lots of reminders...
#33
Posted: 8/31/13 at 2:36pm
Ah another Grammar school favorite!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Cause 7 8 9!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Cause 7 8 9!
Those Blocked: SueStorm. N2N Nate. Good riddence to stupid! Rad-Z, shill begone!
#35
Posted: 8/31/13 at 3:25pm
Hear the one about the Doctor's wife who kept a bowl of apples on her night stand?
Those Blocked: SueStorm. N2N Nate. Good riddence to stupid! Rad-Z, shill begone!
#36
Posted: 8/31/13 at 3:52pm
A blonde doesn't realize she is speeding in her new sports car until she's pulled over by a cop, who is also a blonde.
"Ma'am, I'll need to see your driver's license."
The driver rummages and rummages through her purse and finally says, "What does it look like?"
"It's small, kind of square and has your picture on it."
The first blonde rummages some more and finally hands over a pocket mirror.
"Is this it?"
The blonde cop studies it and hands it back.
"It's all right. You can go. I didn't realize you're a cop."
"Ma'am, I'll need to see your driver's license."
The driver rummages and rummages through her purse and finally says, "What does it look like?"
"It's small, kind of square and has your picture on it."
The first blonde rummages some more and finally hands over a pocket mirror.
"Is this it?"
The blonde cop studies it and hands it back.
"It's all right. You can go. I didn't realize you're a cop."
#38
Posted: 8/31/13 at 4:32pm
Why is the Bible like a willy? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
"There’s nothing quite like the power and the passion of Broadway music. "
#39
Posted: 8/31/13 at 7:33pm
Two television antennas got married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
I starred in a short film called Magnetic Personality. Check it out!
#40
Posted: 9/1/13 at 1:31am
A cop stops a man on the highway. The cop says, "didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?" The man says," Oh, thank God, I thought I was going deaf."
#41
Posted: 9/1/13 at 7:24am
Two peanuts were walking down the street one night and one of them was a salted.
Art has a double face, of expression and illusion.
#42
Posted: 9/1/13 at 10:58am
.
ETA: You're right Jordan, too much.
ETA: You're right Jordan, too much.
Updated On: 9/1/13 at 10:58 AM
#44
Posted: 9/1/13 at 3:27pm
I just split up with my long term girlfriend, who happened to be cross eyed.
She kept seeing people behind my back.
She kept seeing people behind my back.
#45
Posted: 9/1/13 at 6:00pm
Mickey Mouse had a meeting with his lawyer, who told him, "Mickey I don't think you're going to be able to get a divorce from Minnie just because she's crazy."
Mickey said "I didn't say she was CRAZY! I said she's fvck!ng Goofy!"
Mickey said "I didn't say she was CRAZY! I said she's fvck!ng Goofy!"
Updated On: 9/1/13 at 06:00 PM
#46
Posted: 9/1/13 at 8:10pm
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
#47
Posted: 9/1/13 at 11:16pm
What did the duck say to the prostitute?
Put it on my bill.
Put it on my bill.
#48
Posted: 9/2/13 at 12:24am
A blonde decided to earn some money doing handiwork around town, so she gathered some goods together and set out. She figured the wealthier part of town would pay better, so she went there first. She stopped at the first house she saw; it was a gorgeous old home with a beautiful, big porch and a sleek top-of-the-line sports car in the driveway. She knocked on the front door, and the man of the house answered.
"Hi, I'm doing handiwork. Do you have anything around here that needs fixing up?"
"Well," the man said, "the porch could use a fresh coat of paint."
"Sure, that'll take no time. I'll do it for $50."
The man thought this was a steal, the porch was huge and would take hours to paint, so he agreed and the blonde set out to work.
In a half hour, there was a knock on the door and to the man's surprise, the blonde said she had finished. He gave her the money and she started on her way. She suddenly stopped and turned.
"By the way, mister: that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari."
"Hi, I'm doing handiwork. Do you have anything around here that needs fixing up?"
"Well," the man said, "the porch could use a fresh coat of paint."
"Sure, that'll take no time. I'll do it for $50."
The man thought this was a steal, the porch was huge and would take hours to paint, so he agreed and the blonde set out to work.
In a half hour, there was a knock on the door and to the man's surprise, the blonde said she had finished. He gave her the money and she started on her way. She suddenly stopped and turned.
"By the way, mister: that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferrari."
"...everyone finally shut up, and the audience could enjoy the beginning of the Anatevka Pogram in peace."
#49
Posted: 9/2/13 at 12:28am
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about one of the nurses.
"She's doesn't listen well. She gets all my instructions confused." said one doctor. "Last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they heard this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized...
I told her to p*rick Mr. Smith's boil!"
"She's doesn't listen well. She gets all my instructions confused." said one doctor. "Last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they heard this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized...
I told her to p*rick Mr. Smith's boil!"
My avatar is a reminder to myself. I need lots of reminders...
Updated On: 9/2/13 at 12:28 AM
#50
Posted: 9/2/13 at 11:37am
Theatre joke:
A panhandler is working the theatre district. He approaches an old actor who is exiting the stage door after a performance. The panhandler asks if he can spare some change.
The old actor declares: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be!" - William Shakespeare!
The panhandler replies: "F*CK You!" - David Mamet!
A panhandler is working the theatre district. He approaches an old actor who is exiting the stage door after a performance. The panhandler asks if he can spare some change.
The old actor declares: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be!" - William Shakespeare!
The panhandler replies: "F*CK You!" - David Mamet!
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