Tell me a joke! — Page 3

There are a lot of good ones here! Thank you!

Rottweilers are some of the sweetest dogs ever put on this planet. You haven't lived until you've wrestled with a big ol' Rottie and gotten slathered in that doggie saliva.

They get such a bad rap, next to Pitbulls who I would trust alone with my little dog before even thinking of letting him near a Yorkie or any other nasty little breed of dog.

A guy in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings...'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to share this with someone else.
I told you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

The current crop in the democratic candidates for Mayor. At least , after today, we will have narrowed down the crowd to one or two so less annoying commercials. The best of the flawed lot is Christine Quinn.

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Oh, Roxy. The one that, when the party is raging, decides to turn the music down.

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From a Thought Catalog post:

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
More jokes

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LOVED the melons joke...until I had to explain it to my blonde friend (not kidding).

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to screw it in and one to hold the penis--LADDER! I meant ladder.

I love a good Freud joke!

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but fvck your mother.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

Four Nuns die in a car crash.

I know--it's a terrible way to start a joke.

Four nuns die in a car crash.

This lady looks upset. Listen, lady--they died instantly. They felt no pain.

Four nuns die in car crash.

They go in front of Saint Peter and he says to the first nun, "As a bride of Christ, have you ever defiled Christ Bride's body with the body of a mortal man?"

The nun looks down and replies, "Yes, Saint Peter. I touched the tip of a penis once. Just once, and I pulled my hand away." Saint Peter thinks for a moment, then stamps her papers and says, "Wash your hand in the Well of Everlasting Forgiveness, say ten Hail Marys and go onto your Heavenly Reward. Next!"

Suddenly, the nun at the end of the line starts pushing the second and third nuns out of the way. Saint Peter puts his hand out to stop her and says, "Sister, please, wait your turn!" He turns to the second nun in line and says, "As a bride of Christ, have you ever defiled Christ Bride's body with the body of a mortal man?"

The nun looks up and replies, "Yes, Saint Peter. I touched a penis once and it ejaculated into my palm." Saint Peter nods his head, stamps her papers and says, "Wash your hand in the Well of Everlasting Forgiveness, say twenty Hail Marys, and go onto your Heavenly Reward."

At this point the last nun again tries to push the third nun out of the way. St. Peter looks at her and says, "Sister you have all eternity to get into Heaven. What is your rush?"

The last nun says ...

This was a long joke, I know. I hope it's funny. If you don't laugh, I'm going to hell.

Saint Peter says, "Sister, you have all eternity to get into Heaven. What is your rush?"

The last nun says, "I just need to gargle before she washes her ass."

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Updated On: 9/15/13 at 10:00 AM

I'm not sure you'll want to share these at the next party, JoeKv, but it's worth a shot:

Why are murders easy to commit in West Virginia? Because everyone there has the same DNA.

Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

What is the difference between a Russian and a bag of SH*T? Nothing.