Tell me a joke!- Page 3

[SNAFU]

Posted: 9/2/13 at 12:04pm

OK, I laughed at that one!

Posted: 9/3/13 at 2:35pm

There are a lot of good ones here! Thank you!

[PTOPhan]

Posted: 9/8/13 at 12:19am

A burglar breaks into a house at night and hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his flashlight around and sees a parrot in its cage. The parrot again says, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar asks the parrot, "Are you Jesus?" "No, I'm Moses," the parrot replies. The burglar laughs and asks, "What kind of weird people would name their parrot Moses?" The parrot answers, "The same kind of weird people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."

[Jordan Catalano]

Posted: 9/8/13 at 12:24am

Rottweilers are some of the sweetest dogs ever put on this planet. You haven't lived until you've wrestled with a big ol' Rottie and gotten slathered in that doggie saliva.

They get such a bad rap, next to Pitbulls who I would trust alone with my little dog before even thinking of letting him near a Yorkie or any other nasty little breed of dog.

[Buddy's blues]

Posted: 9/9/13 at 12:31pm

Little boy and a little girl having a bath. The little boy says to the little girl. "I'm going to duck you." The little girl says to the little boy " I bet you can't, you can't even say it properly!"

[Brian07663NJ]

Posted: 9/10/13 at 11:14am

A guy in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings...'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to share this with someone else.
I told you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

[Phantom of London]

Posted: 9/10/13 at 4:12pm

Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?
Osmoses

************************************************************************

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

[Mr Roxy]

Posted: 9/10/13 at 5:32pm

The current crop in the democratic candidates for Mayor. At least , after today, we will have narrowed down the crowd to one or two so less annoying commercials. The best of the flawed lot is Christine Quinn.

[Jordan Catalano]

Posted: 9/10/13 at 5:35pm

Oh, Roxy. Like a dog taking it's morning shlt, you're just as regular and predictable. And just as pleasant to see.

[Kad]

Posted: 9/10/13 at 5:40pm

Oh, Roxy. The one that, when the party is raging, decides to turn the music down.

[SNAFU]

Posted: 9/10/13 at 6:33pm

Every party has a pooper, that's why we invited you!

[iflip4musicals]

Posted: 9/12/13 at 9:35am

From a Thought Catalog post:

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
More jokes

[BudFrump23]

Posted: 9/12/13 at 1:08pm

I always love a good blonde joke.

Two women jump off of a cliff. One blonde, one brunette. Who hits the ground first?

The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no-eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
Still no-f*cking-eye-deer.



What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.


What happens when life gives you melons?
You're dyslexic.

[Brian07663NJ]

Posted: 9/12/13 at 1:18pm

LOVED the melons joke...until I had to explain it to my blonde friend (not kidding).

[Phantom of London]

Posted: 9/14/13 at 9:04am

Think the joke about dyslexia is a bit low, as I am a fellow sufferer, as it happens I went to a toga party as a goat the other day.

[The Josh]

Posted: 9/14/13 at 1:27pm

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to screw it in and one to hold the penis--LADDER! I meant ladder.

Posted: 9/14/13 at 1:56pm

Josh I am going to a party tomorrow. I will be telling that.

[The Josh]

Posted: 9/14/13 at 4:51pm

I love a good Freud joke!

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but fvck your mother.

Posted: 9/14/13 at 5:58pm

It's also fun to bust this out at a party:

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That isn't funny!

Updated On: 9/14/13 at 05:58 PM

[Jordan Catalano]

Posted: 9/14/13 at 6:00pm

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/15/13 at 9:38am

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar--

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar--

Wait for it...

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar--

I forgot which joke this is.

Wait--I remember!

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar--

You're looking at me like "This better be funny."

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar--

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Updated On: 9/15/13 at 09:38 AM

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/15/13 at 10:00am

Four Nuns die in a car crash.

I know--it's a terrible way to start a joke.

Four nuns die in a car crash.

This lady looks upset. Listen, lady--they died instantly. They felt no pain.

Four nuns die in car crash.

They go in front of Saint Peter and he says to the first nun, "As a bride of Christ, have you ever defiled Christ Bride's body with the body of a mortal man?"

The nun looks down and replies, "Yes, Saint Peter. I touched the tip of a penis once. Just once, and I pulled my hand away." Saint Peter thinks for a moment, then stamps her papers and says, "Wash your hand in the Well of Everlasting Forgiveness, say ten Hail Marys and go onto your Heavenly Reward. Next!"

Suddenly, the nun at the end of the line starts pushing the second and third nuns out of the way. Saint Peter puts his hand out to stop her and says, "Sister, please, wait your turn!" He turns to the second nun in line and says, "As a bride of Christ, have you ever defiled Christ Bride's body with the body of a mortal man?"

The nun looks up and replies, "Yes, Saint Peter. I touched a penis once and it ejaculated into my palm." Saint Peter nods his head, stamps her papers and says, "Wash your hand in the Well of Everlasting Forgiveness, say twenty Hail Marys, and go onto your Heavenly Reward."

At this point the last nun again tries to push the third nun out of the way. St. Peter looks at her and says, "Sister you have all eternity to get into Heaven. What is your rush?"

The last nun says ...

This was a long joke, I know. I hope it's funny. If you don't laugh, I'm going to hell.

Saint Peter says, "Sister, you have all eternity to get into Heaven. What is your rush?"

The last nun says, "I just need to gargle before she washes her ass."

Updated On: 9/15/13 at 10:00 AM

[Scripps2]

Posted: 9/15/13 at 3:00pm

A man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.




So the barman gave him one. Updated On: 9/15/13 at 03:00 PM

[Liza's Headband]

Posted: 9/15/13 at 3:27pm

I'm not sure you'll want to share these at the next party, JoeKv, but it's worth a shot:

Why are murders easy to commit in West Virginia? Because everyone there has the same DNA.

Studies show that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

What is the difference between a Russian and a bag of SH*T? Nothing.

[morosco]

Posted: 9/15/13 at 3:46pm

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says "why on earth would anyone want to name a drink Steve?"