#1
Posted: 8/30/13 at 6:29pm
I'm unemployed, worried about Syria, way overrun with freakish cats and having serious anxiety issues. Tell me a JOKE!
#2
Posted: 8/30/13 at 7:36pm
Ok, have you heard the one about Pizza? Never mind, it's probably too cheesy.
#3
Posted: 8/30/13 at 8:16pm
Why did the little girl fall off of the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
Because she didn't have any arms.
#4
Posted: 8/30/13 at 8:26pm
Here's a dirty joke:
Three white Klansmen fell in mud.
Three white Klansmen fell in mud.
Twitter @NamoInExile
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#5
Posted: 8/30/13 at 8:29pm
What did the Klansman say when he went to the music store?
"Do you have any Jim Colyer music"?
"Do you have any Jim Colyer music"?
#6
Posted: 8/30/13 at 9:07pm
What's black & white, and red all over, and has trouble going through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
A nun with a spear through her head.
"It does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are 20 gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket, nor breaks my leg."
-- Thomas Jefferson
#9
Posted: 8/30/13 at 9:17pm
A clown and a kid are walking in the woods. The kid says, "I'm scared!" and the clown answers, "Easy for you to say, I have to walk out of here alone!"
I know you.
I know you.
I know you.
#10
Posted: 8/30/13 at 9:22pm
"This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head. The guy says to the psychiatrist, "Can you help me? I got a talking duck on my head!"
#11
Posted: 8/30/13 at 9:50pm
I was listening to that cast album last night Wynbish.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"
....but the world goes 'round
#12
Posted: 8/30/13 at 9:54pm
A skeleton walks into a bar. Says: "I'd like a beer - and a mop".
#13
Posted: 8/30/13 at 10:06pm
Why was the skeleton at the bar alone? Because he had no body with him.
#14
Posted: 8/30/13 at 10:10pm
Guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey sitting with the bartender, the patron asks, "Why the monkey?" the bartender replys. "Watch this! ". He slaps the monkey in the head it jumps down and unzips the barteneders pants and procceeds to give him an increble BJ. "See?" Said the bartender, "Wanna try?"
"Sure!"Said the patron, "Please, just don't slap me in the head!"
"Sure!"Said the patron, "Please, just don't slap me in the head!"
Those Blocked: SueStorm. N2N Nate. Good riddence to stupid! Rad-Z, shill begone!
#15
Posted: 8/30/13 at 10:11pm
A guy walks into a bar. He should watch where he's going next time.
#16
Posted: 8/30/13 at 10:21pm
Just saw this on buzzfeed and thought it was hilarious
What kind of gum do you want?
What kind of gum do you want?
....but the world goes 'round
Updated On: 8/30/13 at 10:21 PM
#17
Posted: 8/30/13 at 10:25pm
Two guys were stranded on an iceberg. After a couple of days, one shouts to the other "We're saved, we're saved! Here comes the Titanic!"
#18
Posted: 8/30/13 at 10:59pm
A talent agent is sitting in his office...
Need I go on?
Need I go on?
#19
Posted: 8/30/13 at 11:00pm
Hear about the Cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?
Those Blocked: SueStorm. N2N Nate. Good riddence to stupid! Rad-Z, shill begone!
#21
Posted: 8/30/13 at 11:12pm
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy?
Hey kid - wanna buy some candy?
Hey kid - wanna buy some candy?
#22
Posted: 8/30/13 at 11:30pm
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Updated On: 9/1/13 at 11:30 PM
#23
Posted: 8/31/13 at 12:05am
Moishe Goldblatt was traveling on a boat across the ocean. Unfortunately, a sudden and fearsome storm struck, capsizing the boat. Moishe was able to cling to a dislodged door, and eventually found his way to a desert island as the sole survivor. He lived there for what seemed like ages, learning how to survive and building a life for himself from wreckage from the boat and the island's resources.
One day, he saw a boat in the distance at last. He took out the flaregun he salvaged and carefully saved for this day and got the boat's attention. In no time, a small boat was dispatched to investigate, helmed by the captain himself. Moishe was overjoyed and wept as the captain approached him. He explained his situation and the captain was all too happy to give him passage.
"Such a sad tale, my dear man," he said, "but it seems to me like you have managed to make a good setup here on this island."
"Oh, where are my manners? Captain, please have a tour," Moishe said, leading the captain to a series of huts he constructed.
The first hut contained a bed made of rags and palm fronds. "This is where I slept - not comfortable but it did the job, " Moishe explained.
The second hut contained a respectable collection of waterlogged books. "This is my library, where I study the scripture- thanks be to God, my books washed up on the island one day."
The third hut was clearly a kitchen. Before Moishe could explain, the captain pointed at the two remaining huts. "And what, Moishe, are those?"
"Those are the synagogues. That is the one I go daily, to say my prayers and worship."
"And the other synagogue?"
"The other one I wouldn't be caught dead in!"
One day, he saw a boat in the distance at last. He took out the flaregun he salvaged and carefully saved for this day and got the boat's attention. In no time, a small boat was dispatched to investigate, helmed by the captain himself. Moishe was overjoyed and wept as the captain approached him. He explained his situation and the captain was all too happy to give him passage.
"Such a sad tale, my dear man," he said, "but it seems to me like you have managed to make a good setup here on this island."
"Oh, where are my manners? Captain, please have a tour," Moishe said, leading the captain to a series of huts he constructed.
The first hut contained a bed made of rags and palm fronds. "This is where I slept - not comfortable but it did the job, " Moishe explained.
The second hut contained a respectable collection of waterlogged books. "This is my library, where I study the scripture- thanks be to God, my books washed up on the island one day."
The third hut was clearly a kitchen. Before Moishe could explain, the captain pointed at the two remaining huts. "And what, Moishe, are those?"
"Those are the synagogues. That is the one I go daily, to say my prayers and worship."
"And the other synagogue?"
"The other one I wouldn't be caught dead in!"
"...everyone finally shut up, and the audience could enjoy the beginning of the Anatevka Pogram in peace."
#24
Posted: 8/31/13 at 12:53am
What's the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don't cry when I'm cutting up the hooker.
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