my coming out thread

ok, so i know i haven't been around alot. i spent this past summer doing alot of soul searching and working on myself and really couldn't bring myself to become a regular poster again, but i'm trying to come here more often and do more than lurk and post the occational question.

this is what happened...

at the end of last school year, i fell into a very bad depression. i've delt with depression before, but it was nothing like this.

i didn't want to go to the IOL, which is the hospital near us, and my best friend had spent some time at brattleboro retreat in vermont and highly recemended it.

so my mom and dad and i loaded up the car and drove form hartford to brattleboro for our intake.

i was admitted and, without knowing anything i was going through internally, matched me up with the perfect doctor who i honoestly think saved my life this summer.

my doctor was a very sweet, very compassionate, very willing to help, MTF.

she was the first person who i really opened up to with what i was thinking and feeling inside.

by the end of the 3 weeks i spent talking to her and going to groups and making wonderful friends who i will never forget, she put it on paper and had what i have felt since i was 5 years old (but had no idea there was a word for it) documented.

i'm transgender.

right now, i've very early in my transition. i started going by my new name (which my mom picked out actually, my family has been very supportive) Paxton on june 23rd, which is ironically my half birthday.

i've been living as a male since then. i know the people here who are on facebook have noticed the name change but no one has said anything about it.

i'm happy with myself for the first time since i can remember. i dont like the way i look without clothes on, but knowing that i will eventually look the way i've always felt i should look is the best feeling in the world.

i don'd always pass, but i dont care. i dont think i will pass 100% of the time untill i start testastorone next summer... i can't bind because i have a g-tube and a central line, so i wear tight sports bras and loose t-shirts, and for now, i'm ok with that.

i've faced some discrimination at school (to the point of not feeling safe in the GSA of all places) but i have a small group of friends who know that this is who i am. i'm Paxton.

so i guess this is not only my coming out thread, but also my return to BWW thread and my "hi, i'm Paxton! nice to meet you!" thread.

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Wonderful news, Paxton. I guess it sounds like your bouts of depression had a lot to do with the gender issue, no?

I'm so happy for you!

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Welcome back Paxton!

There's a wonderful documentary series produced by Sundance, and aired on LOGO, called TransGeneration. It follows 4 college students. I loved it and thought it was very sincere, heartfelt, honest, and educational.

Here's to happy days ahead!

Welcome back! And what a extremly brave story!!

Unfortunatly you will always come across ignorant people who do not accept what you are but someday, hopefully we will live in a world that does not judge based on skin color, sexual prefrence, gender, etc...

I am Bisexual (I know we are in 2 diffrent situations but im trying to explain the similarities) and mostly all my friends are comfortable with it. The biggest strech was telling my EXTREMLY straight (if our life was a high school movie he would be considered "the jock") best friend that I was Bisexual. He doesnt care and doesnt treat me any diffrently. He still thinks im an amazing person.

I dont tell certain people however due to their small mindedness and ignorance. I think its disgusting how some straight people look at and comment about the bisexual/lesbian/gay world..

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I loved the episodes I saw of Transgeneration. Particularly the young woman who was the RA in her dorm. Loved her. (Okay, I hated to the woman who was transitioning to a man but wanted to stay at the woman's college because "it was the right place" for him and later in conversation was bragging about how big his down below area was going to be when he started the testosterone. I kept thinking, "Cool, but do you want to be one of THOSE guys?" Hated him.)

If you go back up to Brattleboro, make sure you bring your passport so you can go over the border and visit Montreal for a little taste of European freedom in North America.

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I don't know you, but after reading this thread I applaud your courage and wish you the very best.

Welcome back, Paxton!

Such a brave and honest story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I am so happy that you have found your path. It won't be an easy one, but knowing that your family is supportive puts you on much steadier ground.

I'm cheering you on!
And wishing you the very, very best!

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thanks =]

and yes, it deffinatly helps that my family is supportive.
for some reason, my mom thought my brother would flip **** when he found out, but he was like "ok. i have a brother now. sweet." and we've been closer than ever.

and namo, i'll keep that in mind next time i go to canada. most of the hockey tounrys we go to are in ottawa, but i'll see if i can take an extra trip to montreal... i've actually always wanted ot go there. i never even left the country before i started playing hockey O_O

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Welcome back, and congratulations for taking the steps to live your live on your terms. I think it's awful about your school's GSA. Unfortunately, gay folks aren't always welcoming to the transgendered community.

You mentioned not feeling safe, so I hope that you'll take care of yourself.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Welcome back, Paxton. Great name.

There's a great classical actor who performed a lot on Broadway and in regional theaters named Paxton Whitehead.

Good luck with everything. I love your brother's attitude: "ok. i have a brother now. sweet."

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Updated On: 9/17/09 at 12:17 AM

Paxton,

Since you are talking openly about this, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Feel free to PM them to me if you would rather take this into a private discussion.

Please also don't feel like I am interrogating you, these q's simply come from curiosity as I've recently seen tons of documentaries on homosexuality and transgenders. Transgeneration is actually #4 on my Netflix right now. If you don't want to answer, that's fine too. :)

1) How old are you?
2) At what age did you feel "different"?
3) At what age do you remember not liking your female body?
4) Have you ever had sexual attraction to a male? If so, at what age?
5) Have you ever had sexual attraction to a female? If so, at what age?
6) Now that you identify yourself as male, looking back at your life, do you now recognize signs from earlier in your life?
7) Today, are you sexually attracted to males or females? In other words, are you a transgender heterosexual male or a transgender homosexual male?
What is your religion today, and is it what you were raised to be?
9) I read that you have told your family. Are they supportive? What was their initial reaction to your coming out? Did it all make sense and click with them? Did they ignore signs?
10) How are your teachers and the school reacting to this?

Again, I'm asking very personal questions and feel free to choose to not respond if you wish. Or to respond privately via PM. I only ask out of curiosity and educational research reasons.

Regardless, WELCOME BACK and congratulations on your discovery and coming out!!!

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Congratulations, Paxton! I wish you all the best.

M23ftl, MTF means "male to female," as in the direction of one's transition. IOL means the Institute of Living, a hospital near Abba, as she mentioned. XD isn't an abbreviation, it's an emoticon showing laughter (turn it 90 degrees).

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Welcome back Paxton (great name).

I am glad that you have family and friends who are embracing the true you!