my coming out thread

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:04pm

ok, so i know i haven't been around alot. i spent this past summer doing alot of soul searching and working on myself and really couldn't bring myself to become a regular poster again, but i'm trying to come here more often and do more than lurk and post the occational question.

this is what happened...

at the end of last school year, i fell into a very bad depression. i've delt with depression before, but it was nothing like this.

i didn't want to go to the IOL, which is the hospital near us, and my best friend had spent some time at brattleboro retreat in vermont and highly recemended it.

so my mom and dad and i loaded up the car and drove form hartford to brattleboro for our intake.

i was admitted and, without knowing anything i was going through internally, matched me up with the perfect doctor who i honoestly think saved my life this summer.

my doctor was a very sweet, very compassionate, very willing to help, MTF.

she was the first person who i really opened up to with what i was thinking and feeling inside.

by the end of the 3 weeks i spent talking to her and going to groups and making wonderful friends who i will never forget, she put it on paper and had what i have felt since i was 5 years old (but had no idea there was a word for it) documented.

i'm transgender.

right now, i've very early in my transition. i started going by my new name (which my mom picked out actually, my family has been very supportive) Paxton on june 23rd, which is ironically my half birthday.

i've been living as a male since then. i know the people here who are on facebook have noticed the name change but no one has said anything about it.

i'm happy with myself for the first time since i can remember. i dont like the way i look without clothes on, but knowing that i will eventually look the way i've always felt i should look is the best feeling in the world.

i don'd always pass, but i dont care. i dont think i will pass 100% of the time untill i start testastorone next summer... i can't bind because i have a g-tube and a central line, so i wear tight sports bras and loose t-shirts, and for now, i'm ok with that.

i've faced some discrimination at school (to the point of not feeling safe in the GSA of all places) but i have a small group of friends who know that this is who i am. i'm Paxton.

so i guess this is not only my coming out thread, but also my return to BWW thread and my "hi, i'm Paxton! nice to meet you!" thread.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:09pm

First off, welcome back.

Second, you were missed and your (screen) name came up several times among friends of mine and we all agreed we hoped you were okay.

Third, I'm sure they're all going to be as glad as I am to hear you're okay.

Fourth, Paxton is a coooooool name.

Fifth, welcome back.

{Last week I saw an ad for Brattleboro Retreat, had never heard of it before. And a week later, here you are vouching for it. That's great!]

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:10pm

Wonderful news, Paxton. I guess it sounds like your bouts of depression had a lot to do with the gender issue, no?

I'm so happy for you!

[JerseyGirl2]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:15pm

Congratulation, Paxton, and welcome back!

[otis33]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:17pm

Welcome back Paxton!

There's a wonderful documentary series produced by Sundance, and aired on LOGO, called TransGeneration. It follows 4 college students. I loved it and thought it was very sincere, heartfelt, honest, and educational.

Here's to happy days ahead!

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:21pm

namo: you probably saw an add for the retreat because they just opened a new GLBTQ unit... the doctor i had was hired to specifically run that unit! if you come across any articles in medical magazines (although i doubt you subscribe to any... oh the joys have having two parents in the medical feild... XD) you'll see my doctor... her name is dr praus.

i loved the retreat... i've actually thought about going back to visit some of my favorite staff people, and because i found down towm brattleboro to be awesome... they had a lot of neat little stores.
the staff people there became like friends. they were very nice. alot of the MHWs were around my age, so it was like having a friend from school or something.

jane2: yeah alot of it had to do with that. i had no one to talk to about it. i told my boyfriend last year and he started cheating on me as a result. that was a huge blow to my self esteem and made me want to talk about even less. but he was an ass.

edit: lol thank you to the people who replyed while i was typing this and trying to NOT have all my open internet windows close on me at the same time XD

i've been meaning to check out transgeneration. i'll have to see if they have it at blockbuster.

Updated On: 9/16/09 at 11:21 PM

[saveusmike]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:25pm

Welcome back! And what a extremly brave story!!

Unfortunatly you will always come across ignorant people who do not accept what you are but someday, hopefully we will live in a world that does not judge based on skin color, sexual prefrence, gender, etc...

I am Bisexual (I know we are in 2 diffrent situations but im trying to explain the similarities) and mostly all my friends are comfortable with it. The biggest strech was telling my EXTREMLY straight (if our life was a high school movie he would be considered "the jock") best friend that I was Bisexual. He doesnt care and doesnt treat me any diffrently. He still thinks im an amazing person.

I dont tell certain people however due to their small mindedness and ignorance. I think its disgusting how some straight people look at and comment about the bisexual/lesbian/gay world..

[jacobtsf]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:26pm

Welcome back to BWW Paxton! We have missed your regular posting, but I am so glad to hear that you were busy discovering yourself. Congratulations!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:30pm

I loved the episodes I saw of Transgeneration. Particularly the young woman who was the RA in her dorm. Loved her. (Okay, I hated to the woman who was transitioning to a man but wanted to stay at the woman's college because "it was the right place" for him and later in conversation was bragging about how big his down below area was going to be when he started the testosterone. I kept thinking, "Cool, but do you want to be one of THOSE guys?" Hated him.)

If you go back up to Brattleboro, make sure you bring your passport so you can go over the border and visit Montreal for a little taste of European freedom in North America.

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:39pm

oh canada!

i actually went to canada in april for a sled hockey tournament. it was in ottawa. i fell in love with the city.

hockey season starts up again soon... i'm a little nervous about telling my hockey team. some already know and are perfectly fine with it... and they already call me paxton or pax. although one person told the USA woman's coach i was transgender and i lost a potential spot on the team, which i thought was kind of unfair... i wasn't going to stay on the team after i started transitioning, that woulnd't be fair, but while i'm a biological female who looks like a 12 year old boy, what harm is it having me on the team? i was pissed because i can't try out for the men's team untill i'm done with the transitioning because i dont want to have to go through what i went with the woman's team again... so no more national teams for me, unless they start a co-ed team, for a few years. the only co-ed team is the paralympic team and i'm SO NOT READY for that. i still suck at defense too much XD
oh well. maybe i'll be better than all of them because i'll have all the practice on the CT team before trying out again =]

but i'm a little nervous about a few of the members... they're not bad people, they just don't want to hear about stuff like this. i play on a team for people who are disabled, and alot of the people on the team who are newly disabled (mostly the SCI players) have alot of their own **** to deal with and just can't deal with anyone elses, which is understandable.

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:44pm

I don't know you, but after reading this thread I applaud your courage and wish you the very best.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:49pm

Unfortunately there always seem to be sacrifices that have to happen along with steps toward true happiness. Oh, and if you loved Ottawa, you'll orgasm over Montreal.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 9/16/09 at 11:52pm

Welcome back, Paxton!

Such a brave and honest story. Thank you for sharing it with us.

I am so happy that you have found your path. It won't be an easy one, but knowing that your family is supportive puts you on much steadier ground.

I'm cheering you on!
And wishing you the very, very best!

[killertofu333]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:01am

Paxton, I don't know you either but I always find it encouraging when someone can trudge through muck and still come out clean on the other side. Congratulations and all the best.

Tofu

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:01am

thanks =]

and yes, it deffinatly helps that my family is supportive.
for some reason, my mom thought my brother would flip **** when he found out, but he was like "ok. i have a brother now. sweet." and we've been closer than ever.

and namo, i'll keep that in mind next time i go to canada. most of the hockey tounrys we go to are in ottawa, but i'll see if i can take an extra trip to montreal... i've actually always wanted ot go there. i never even left the country before i started playing hockey O_O

[Eris0303]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:05am

WB, Paxton

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:10am

Welcome back, and congratulations for taking the steps to live your live on your terms. I think it's awful about your school's GSA. Unfortunately, gay folks aren't always welcoming to the transgendered community.

You mentioned not feeling safe, so I hope that you'll take care of yourself.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

[muscle23ftl]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:16am

Welcome back Paxton! Im glad everything's working out for you. The only favor that I ask you is to stop with those abreviations because I have no clue what MTF, IOL, XD, etc means.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:17am

Welcome back, Paxton. Great name.

There's a great classical actor who performed a lot on Broadway and in regional theaters named Paxton Whitehead.

Good luck with everything. I love your brother's attitude: "ok. i have a brother now. sweet."

Updated On: 9/17/09 at 12:17 AM

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:27am

And also Bill Paxton. Yum. And also "pax" is the Latin word for "peace" so it's like a ton of peace. Iflit will love that.

[CapnHook]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 12:36am

Paxton,

Since you are talking openly about this, do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Feel free to PM them to me if you would rather take this into a private discussion.

Please also don't feel like I am interrogating you, these q's simply come from curiosity as I've recently seen tons of documentaries on homosexuality and transgenders. Transgeneration is actually #4 on my Netflix right now. If you don't want to answer, that's fine too. :)

1) How old are you?
2) At what age did you feel "different"?
3) At what age do you remember not liking your female body?
4) Have you ever had sexual attraction to a male? If so, at what age?
5) Have you ever had sexual attraction to a female? If so, at what age?
6) Now that you identify yourself as male, looking back at your life, do you now recognize signs from earlier in your life?
7) Today, are you sexually attracted to males or females? In other words, are you a transgender heterosexual male or a transgender homosexual male?
What is your religion today, and is it what you were raised to be?
9) I read that you have told your family. Are they supportive? What was their initial reaction to your coming out? Did it all make sense and click with them? Did they ignore signs?
10) How are your teachers and the school reacting to this?

Again, I'm asking very personal questions and feel free to choose to not respond if you wish. Or to respond privately via PM. I only ask out of curiosity and educational research reasons.

Regardless, WELCOME BACK and congratulations on your discovery and coming out!!!

[SNAFU]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 1:04am

Let me add my voice to welcoming you back Paxton! Your presence was missed and I hoped that you were well.
Congratulations on the start of a new journey in your life. I have known a few Transgendered people and the road isn't always easy but it is one very worthwhile and very important being true to yourself!
Bravo!

[scott68]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 1:13am

Congratulations, Paxton! I wish you all the best.

M23ftl, MTF means "male to female," as in the direction of one's transition. IOL means the Institute of Living, a hospital near Abba, as she mentioned. XD isn't an abbreviation, it's an emoticon showing laughter (turn it 90 degrees).

[blaxx]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 1:51am

What a pretty name, Paxton.

[YouWantitWhen????]

Posted: 9/17/09 at 2:07am

Welcome back Paxton (great name).

I am glad that you have family and friends who are embracing the true you!