Adoption vs. A Child of "Your Own"- Page 2

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 10:21pm

i was kind of kidding.
i remember a discussion in my biology class in high school after watching "the miricle of life" where i said i wanted to adopt a child and another girl said she would never adopt beacuse she wanted a smaller version of herself that she could dress in pretty outfits and bring places.
she was a little soft in the head though.

Updated On: 8/8/07 at 10:21 PM

[Kringas]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 10:23pm

I thought narcissism was one of the main reasons people want children.

[misschung]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 10:38pm

Abba - I figured that you were saying that jokingly, and that's really odd about the girl in your class..

My cousin has said over and over again that she wants to adopt because there are so many children out there without parents. I agree with this. And I agree with couples who want to have their own biological children. To me it's just a matter of choice, like abortion. There are always going to be people who make a poor choice, under any circumstances. Some people do want mini versions of themselves - but there are probably people with adopted children who want that too.

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 11:08pm

I have two biological children. And while pregnancy was a fascinating experience, in retrospect, it kind of fades away into a memory once you pass out of the postpartum phase. Becomes almost irrelevant. As the "conceptual" baby is replaced by a real flesh and blood family member, it becomes less and less connected to the pregnancy experience. I honestly don't think it would have mattered to me whether I had given birth or adopted. It's about sharing a life and having a bond and trust and commitment. I don't think anyone is less of a parent because they don't have a biological connection. And as we all know, being a biological parent guarantees nothing in the way of quality parenting either.

If you want to be a parent, sorrygrateful, don't let the physiological barrier stand in the way. Be open to the possibilities. Same is true for same sex couples.

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 12:26am

"Surrogacy is what *really* bothers me, which I think is no better than buying an organ on the black market."

I really, really hope you don't mean that.
I think being a surrogate mother is one of the nicest things for a person to do.

No, postmortem organ donation is one of the nicest things for a person to do. Surrogacy is the rich paying off the poor for the 9-month lease of her uterus. 99% of these "nice" carrier-mothers wouldn't be willing were money not exchanged in return.

Updated On: 8/9/07 at 12:26 AM

[LizzieCurry]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 1:39am

Not necessarily. What about all the women out there willing to have a kid for their gay male friends? (Like me?)

[StageManager2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 1:49am

You have a kid, Lizzie? *shudders at the thought*

[LizzieCurry]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 1:54am

I said "willing," not "I did it already."

[StageManager2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 1:57am

Still, I shudder to think.

[LizzieCurry]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 1:58am

I know, I hope I never have a kid like me.

[StageManager2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 2:05am

Could be worse, it could be like me.

[HumATune]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 2:07am

Well there’s nothing special about my DNA, so I really don’t care if it doesn’t get passed on. IVF is not something I would consider. If I can’t conceive the natural way, I will not have biological children.

I think adoption is a wonderful thing, but not everyone has the capacity to adopt. At least the medical technology is there to help those who need and want it.

[justme2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 2:24am

I was adopted, and cost a whopping $75! This was, of course...BACK THEN, and it was to cover court fees and filing only.

My mother couldn't conceive, adopted a boy, adopted me, then went on to have three biological children.

The only pertinent info I'd like to add to this discussion is that both my adopted brother and I are absolutely NOTHING like the family that raised us. Morals, Religion, Politics, everything is almost on an opposite realm. And my adopted brother is nothing like me, either.

We feel like strangers in a strange land at family gatherings, and that started for both of us when we were about 9-10 years old (the time when one begins to think outside the family way). It's a painful fact neither of us admitted to each other until we were adults.

I'm not saying we were raised or treated any differently than "the blondes" (as we refer to them jokingly). Hell no! We were all beaten and yelled at, and made to fear our parents wrath...equally. A typical 70's childhood.

But, there is something to be said about nature vs. nurture. I'm the only one who went to college, the only one who doesn't smoke, the only one who didn't breed in their teenage years, and there are plenty of times when I am glad to say their genes are not mine. Like when the cops show up at a family fight.

Sorry for the rant...I suppose the point is that I hope when anyone is thinking of adopting, they take into account that this child may not conform to what the expectations around the personality of child are. My parents did not, and both my brother and I suffer for it with our relationships to the world and people today. I was called a difficult child, but I think I just wasn't conforming to their ideals.

I wish all the best for those thinking of adopting, or already in the arduous process.

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 3:10am

If you're offering to do it for friends, that's one thing, you're donating it (for lack of a better word). As soon as money gets involved, you're not "giving" the couple anything; they're buying it.

Updated On: 8/9/07 at 03:10 AM

[Undeniably Bway]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 7:55am

"I suppose the point is that I hope when anyone is thinking of adopting, they take into account that this child may not conform to what the expectations around the personality of child are."

This is no different than children born to parents. You don't know... it is a combination of the parents, life experience (friends, school, other family members, genetic medical issues, etc)... It's an evolutionary crapshoot. Sometimes children are just like their parents and sometimes they seem like they are from a different planet. You do what you can and hope for the best.

When you adopt older children, you have a very good ideaa of what their issues are and what needs to be done to assist them. My cousin adopoted 3 young children from a drug addict mother. It took three years, countless court appearances, money, medical evaluations, etc... She did not BUY them, she rescued them from a life of misery. They are now thriving and working hard to overcome the emotional scars that their prior life left them.

Also, I have come to realize that I am in no way like my biological mother. Yes, I do know her.

[StageManager2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 8:41am

"When you adopt older children, you have a very good ideaa of what their issues are and what needs to be done to assist them."

Not necessarily. I could tell you my life story, but that's another can of worms.

[Undeniably Bway]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 8:48am

You are right - I was being too "blanket" on that thought. I should have had "many times".

SM we should compare notes one day

[RobbO]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 8:52am

why the fighting and arguing? i think everyone can agree that all children, whether adopted or biological, are truly unwanted when you really think about it.

[Undeniably Bway]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 9:22am

*wants to adopt Robbo*

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 9:25am

[Jane2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 9:49am

If there are people willing to pay the expenses incurrred by a woman carrying a child, then good for them. Perhaps they prefer to know the parents of their expected child rather than to adopt. Also, for the reason Lizzie gave.


P.S. "regular" adoptions aren't free.

Updated On: 8/9/07 at 09:49 AM

[Jane2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 9:52am

"No, postmortem organ donation is one of the nicest things for a person to do."

is this a lecture?

I think pre-mortem donation is much nicer!

[justme2]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 2:17pm

Yeah, I don't know my biological parents, and I always fear that if I look for them and find them, they could be worse than what I have now.

I understand completely that biological children can grow up to different from their parents just as adopted ones do. That's just not been my experience, and I was sharing MY experience only for this thread.

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 4:53pm

If there are people willing to pay the expenses incurrred by a woman carrying a child, then good for them.

So, if some people are willing to pay the expenses for a kidney donation, then good for them? There's a reason why organ donation is on a volunteer basis; having the money to do so doesn't give you the right to take over someone else's body for your own selfish purposes. Perhaps if they want to know the parents of the expected child, they should try open adoption instead of- as was the original topic- demanding their "own child" no matter how many young women they exploit in the process.

If you honestly think that so many of these cases are friends selflessly offering themselves up, try reading the classified section of a college newspaper to get a more realistic perspective on where the majority of these surrogates actually come from.

P.S. "regular" adoptions aren't free.
Thanks, but as I said in my first post on this thread, I'm quite familiar with adoption.

[Auggie27]

Posted: 8/9/07 at 8:13pm

What's saddest of all is this ridiculous culture that still puts a premium on blood ties, "finding your REAL parents" and "having your own children." We have some dreadful role models for adoptive parents out there. Start with...

Mr. Tom Cruise.

And the way his "fatherhood" is covered. You'd think it was the 2nd coming (pun intended) when he managed to inseminate Ms. Holmes. He was gonna become a "real father!" His children with Ms. Kiddman were pitifully relegated to the back of his bus, seldom photographed with him, never photographed holding their new sibling -- in fact, there's no coverage of his having a blended family at all. Trophy wife, trophy "real baby." End of story.

Behind the scenes he may be a stellar dad to all. But he has played up his finally having a biological child as much as the media who covers hims, playing into the narrow view of our culture that it's finally happened for him, the dream of true "fatherhood."

It's shameful, but I think exhibit A in how adoption is treated.

And have you noticed how the phrase "real parents" or "real father" is now common usage again, after being removed from the lexicon? It's not about being PC, it's about truth telling, as it always was.

"Real mothers" and "real fathers" raise their real children, wipe their noses, kiss their boo-boos, make them meals, tuck them in, rock them to sleep, put them through college -- oh yeah, and one other thing. love them. Love them. Forever.

Updated On: 8/9/07 at 08:13 PM