Adoption vs. A Child of "Your Own"

[SorryGrateful]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:37pm

I've been thinking about this for a long time. When I was 17, almost ten years ago now, I found out I couldn't have kids. That really changed me and my thoughts of my future because I'd always assumed I'd get married and have children (two boys). Everything changed at that point for me and my goals altered. (It was a devastating experience as well as a liberating one, which I didn't realize until quite awhile later.)

What all of this is getting to is what I hear so many people saying-- that they want "their own" children. Adoption always seems out of the question, unless desperation has hit.

For me, all of this brings up a good question, though: why is a child of your blood considered more valid than an adopted child? Maybe this will all come down to the nature vs. nurture argument, but I honestly believe that if you love a child and raise it right and it loves you back, it will BE YOUR CHILD no matter whose DNA is splashing about in there. I have friends who completely disagree and that's fine. But there are so many children who need homes. Why create another person just because you want it to be a part of you and your partner/spouse?

Thoughts?

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:43pm

That is a great question and one that has been debated at length here somewhere. It was a thread regarding the extremes that people go to just to give birth. It was one of the best debates we ever had on this board, I think.

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:48pm

i personally am a big advocate of adoption.
my cousin kara was adopted from korea when i was 4, so i learned about adoption early.

as a kid, i thought it was kind of cool that i had a cousin who came from half way around the world, and also cool that my aunt opened up her home to a baby that needed a home.

there are so many kids all around the world, and here in the united states, that need homes.

i decided a long time ago that i was not going to have any biological children. i plan on adopting at least one kid. i found out years ago that there are so many kids right in hartford who are in foster care and need a home. i would love to someday give one of them a home.

that being said, i dont have a problem with people having their own children. if you want to have a miniature you, than it's not my place to tell you that you can't.

[Kringas]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:50pm

While I haven't really changed my stance since that last thread (which is that if you can't have a kid naturally it's nature's way of trying to keep us from crowding each other out), I've recently found out my sister and her husband have had a lot of trouble conceiving. I don't think they have the money for in virto and when I asked about adoption, I was told that that can be very cost prohibitive as well. Apparently it's not uncommon for adoption fees to creep into tens of thousands of dollars, and the costs just keep going up if you expand that to international adoption.

[colleen_lee]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:50pm

This is completely just me thinking out loud, so please bear with me.

I think for a lot of people reproduction is, perhaps unconsciously, at least a little about immortality. There is something intoxicating about knowing that a piece of you, at least in terms of bloodline, will live on long after you're gone.

[colleen_lee]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:52pm

And Kringas does bring up a super valid point. Adoption is insanely expensive, and for most people naturally procreating is a much easier option.

[jordangirl]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 5:56pm

Yes, adoption is expensive. You also don't always know what you're getting gene-wise. My cousins are adopted and both have genetically-influenced things that have proven difficult throughout their lives. But it's also a wonderful way to bring children into your family.

It's also about the only way to "guarantee" that you'll have "what you want" (ie. the "two boys" the original poster stated) since there's no foolproof way to make sure you'll have the gender child you want naturally.

[SorryGrateful]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:08pm

Oops, I was arrogant enough to think this was an original idea on these boards, Sueleen. Who wants to tell me to use the search function first?

I really appreciate these different views on my own view. I think it's extremely interesting that you guys are bringing up things I hadn't thought of.

[chris d]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:09pm

well, I can only talk from personal experience, since I'm adopted. It was because my MOTHER couldn't conceive, which I guess is the primary reason. The adoption process is intense but I don't see how it's expensive; it's not like you're "buying" the kid (which is illegal). Needless to say, I fully support it.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:12pm

Here is the other thread.

[LizzieCurry]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:13pm

I think for a lot of people reproduction is, perhaps unconsciously, at least a little about immortality. There is something intoxicating about knowing that a piece of you, at least in terms of bloodline, will live on long after you're gone.

Hell yes.

http://www.vhemt.org/biobreed.htm

[colleen_lee]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:20pm

Here are two other related threads:

https://forum.broadwayworld.com/readmessage.cfm?boardname=off&thread=909403#2459017 (They just had child #16, BTW)

https://forum.broadwayworld.com/readmessage.cfm?boardname=off&thread=922878#2748558

[blueroses]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:23pm

Well, I love the idea of creating life with someone I love. But an adopted baby is by no means any less "real."

I wonder what Izzy's Baby's take is.

[Jane2]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 6:45pm

I can't take sides. I think both are fine. If people ony want their "own" children, they have their reasons and I respect them for their decision.

Same for those who want to adopt. They've made an admirable decision and I applaud them.

[Ivan the Wonderful]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 7:08pm

Me and Ivan want to adopt. Just not right now.

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 7:15pm

When I was a kid, I knew four families well that had formed through adoption.

Family #1 adopted two daughters, and then had a biological daughter. (I knew the biological daughter)
Family #2 adopted two daughters, and then had a biological daughter & son. (I knew the eldest adopted daughter)
Family #3 adopted a son & daughter of different ethnic backgrounds. (I knew the daughter)
Family #4 had a biological daughter, and then adopted a son. (I knew the son)

Since I was around it a fair amount, it never phased me. I think adoption is a great way to form a family. One of my best friends plans to adopt children (as far as we know, she's perfectly capable of having biological ones... she'd just prefer to adopt). I support it fully.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 7:38pm

My brother and I are both adopted. I don't know why my parents chose to adopt, that's never been brought up. I think it's a great thing, in some cases (most?) you're giving the child a better life than they might've had. I'm very grateful my parents adopted me, I don't know what my life would be like so I can't say they saved me from a horrible situation, but they did bring me into a great home.

I understand how someone could be against adopting, they just want a child from their flesh and blood, but I don't understand how someone could ever call adoption a bad thing. This past year in my english class we were discussing adoption and a classmate of mine started talking about how she thinks adoption is horrible because you are radically chaning the child's life and how everyone she knows who is adopted has had a rough life adjusting. I just sat there and stared at her and once she was finished I told her that I was adopted and she didn't open her mouth the rest of the class. Agh. I could have slapped her... maybe some kids do have a hard time with it, but I know there are a lot who benefit.

[Kringas]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 7:44pm

The adoption process is intense but I don't see how it's expensive

Most adoption fees I've seen range from about $5000 to over $40,000, depending on whether or not you do it internationally.

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 8:16pm

And how much do fertility treatments cost? Probably between $5000 and over $40,000 as well.

colleen, they're actually at #17.

I have two cousins that were adopted, and my parents have many family friends that adopted as well. I've always considered it an option; I'm just not in a position to be planning for that anytime soon.

I think from a biological/evolutionary standpoint, if you can't have kids, you're not supposed to be having kids; natural selection is weeding your genes out for purposes beyond your control/interest/power for the longterm survival of the species. But if you HAVE to HAVE your OWN BABY, by all means, destroy the human race with your selfishness.

Kidding. Sort of. Surrogacy is what *really* bothers me, which I think is no better than buying an organ on the black market.

[KelRel]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 9:29pm

I have always wanted to adopt a child because I think that if I am in a place where I can provide a home to a child and give them a loving, stable home life that I would love to do that. At the same time I have always wanted to have my own children. I found out that I will have problems conceiving on my own and I am working with my doctors about that. Do I think I am being selfish? No, this is something that my husband and I want and we are going to do what we need to do to work on the situation. Does that mean that we have ruled out adoption? Absolutely not. We both want to adopt and if we find that we can't conceive in the end we will just adopt more children than we planned on. I have family members who are adopted and there is no difference between them and their sister who was conceived naturally. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but I don't think that calling people who want to have their own children selfish is fair.

[Kringas]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 9:30pm

I always bitch about people paying all that money for fertility treatments. I just didn't realize that adoption costs could run that high, too. It made me understand the fertility treatment people a little better, since it's not like adopting a kid was going to just be a $250 filing fee or something like that so they might as well try for their own.

My father told me my sister and brother in law were looking at Russian adoption, but it was going to run something like thirty thousand smackers, and that's not even included the costs for the two trips to Russia they'd have to take.

[hermionejuliet]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 9:34pm

I think adoption is wonderful. While I assume I can have a child of my own, I will seriously considering adopting when/if I consider raising a child. I've seen many kids that could do with one or two good caring parents, and I would love to give a special child who is already in the world that gift.

[KelRel]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 9:38pm

I think that when it gets to the point that a fertility treatment would cost more than adoption I will probably decide that I will give up treatments and adopt, but right now my treatment is costing about $30. Very low level and if that's all it takes then thank God and I will still consider adoption for the future.


ETA- I have a friend who is trying to adopt a baby from China and it is costing about $40,000 plus 3 trips to China, medical bills, visas for themselves and the child, also they have to pay for the background checks on themselves and all sorts of other odd requirements that the Chinese government is imposing. It is crazy.

Updated On: 8/8/07 at 09:38 PM

[misschung]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 9:40pm

that being said, i dont have a problem with people having their own children. if you want to have a miniature you, than it's not my place to tell you that you can't.

I understand where you're coming from, but I don't think it's fair to dismiss couples who have biological children as saying they simply want miniature versions of themselves. I think you were partially kidding, which is fine, and I have nothing against adoption - I just don't think responsible people who want to conceive a child the old fashioned way should be penalized either.

[SweetQintheLights]

Posted: 8/8/07 at 9:55pm

"Surrogacy is what *really* bothers me, which I think is no better than buying an organ on the black market."

I really, really hope you don't mean that.
I think being a surrogate mother is one of the nicest things for a person to do.