Dear MammaMia Sammy- Page 3

[Bluemoon]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 11:06am

...with both genders.

[GlindatheGood22]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 11:16am

I'm really sorry to hear about this, Matt. I recently had my heart broken very badly, too. Best advice I can give is to just keep going. You're strong enough to do it.

[madbrian]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 11:18am

"Better watch out, papa. I'm a free agent now. You might want to stand with your back to the wall."

"That's his usual position for such encounters."

"...with both genders."

OK, so now the legend of the Hole-In-The-Wall Gang, and BUTCH Cassidy, makes more sense.

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 5:49pm

It gets even BETTER! My boss just called me from out of town to chew me out for doing exactly what he wanted, but my coworker (who ranks above me) dropped the ball on the project. My boss knows it was the other guy's fault, but continued to find a way to blame me anyway and wouldn't stop pounding on me for it. Meanwhile, he has also decided that I will be too busy for my vacation time with a deal that's been going on for months that nobody told me about and since my husband left me, I didn't need to take the time off now anyway. And they don't want to feel I've been taking advantage of time off what with my dead father and everything. Funny thing is, I haven't taken off one day I haven't earned.

[tazber]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 5:57pm

Do you need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with this boss of yours, Matt?

I will be happy to set this doofus straight.

Just say the word.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 5:58pm

When it rains it tsunamis.

[D2]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 6:11pm

I can spit on your boss too, Matt.

[Bluemoon]

Posted: 4/6/11 at 8:10pm

Really, Matt, it's time to rethink your "I'm not vengeful" stance. Names and addresses, honey. We'll take it from there.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 12:05am

I'm seeing nothing less than a Carrie finale for the workplace.

Pig's blood, is totally appropriate, given the circumstances.

Updated On: 4/7/11 at 12:05 AM

[Bettyboy72]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 12:09am

If Pig's Blood at the Prom isn't enough, we can always have an "old-fashioned ladies pot party" and think about ways of doing your boss in. I'll take the Snow White scenario.

Im really sorry for the terrible time you've been having. You are in my thoughts and prayers. xo

[tazber]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 6:06am

Wait, did someone say 'pot party'?

paging DAME.....

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 7:11am

you're from Tex Ass. Go big or go home. Remember the Alamo. You gave him your best, but you have plenty more good to give. As someone who has been the dumper (reluctantly) and most often the dumpee, there is usually NO "right side" or "better half." There is only our capacity to love being matched completely and cruelly by our capacity to be hurt. It's a hard bargain. But i have found no alternative in decades of social experimentation. And when will the widow's grieving period end so i can ask you out properly?

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 10:33am

LOL Believe me, I'll let everyone know when I'm ready to entertain offers. But I'm going to be very careful. I certainly don't want to put anyone through what I've been dealing with. But I do remember meeting you Tx, and you made the short list. Your generosity to a complete stranger oh-so-many years ago was a valued symbol of one with kindness in their heart. And you're a gay Texan. That is a unique breed that shares a special kinship that transcends other cultures and languages. It's chili with no beans. It's class.

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 11:00am

and now they don't even say excuse me when passing their gas....whatever happened to....*le sigh*.

[DAME]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 1:05pm

WHat?

[husk_charmer]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 1:29pm

DAME-
It's a Gay Texan thing.

My deepest sympathies, MisterMatt...I only really know you from your posts, but no one deserves what you're going through.

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 3:31pm

All I can offer in the way of advice is what worked for me (left by my husband of 17 years on Valentine's Day...). I understand the anger (which doesn't seem like a strong enough word), and the pain, and the depression, and the sense of having had your life stolen from you while you weren't looking. I entertained the idea of spray-painting a big letter A on each of his jockeys and hanging them on a clothes line in the front yard. I think anger helps get us through the initial stages of life's disasters.

The above story happened to me in 1990. It took a while, but I started to feel like myself again and was eventually able to enjoy things without the pain of having shared it with HIM making enjoyment impossible.

I eventually was able to move on and have been in another happier long term relationship which I NEVER, at the time, thought I'd ever allow myself to be open to again.

Two techniques helped me get through...talking about the initial shock and hurt until I started to feel "desensitized". And reading a book called "The Dance of Anger"...it's not the most literary of works, but it's message was one that helped me to look at my situation differently and realize what was and wasn't in my power or control.

People can't help who they fall in love with; and sometime they fall out of love, too. I'm not excusing how he may have handled things...just saying that maybe someday he will be someone who did a piss poor job of handling an unfortunate situation (keep in mind, I know no details here) and came across as a monster, less out of intent and more out of not having the skills to handle a break up more honestly. I finally (okay, after a bunch of years) got to that place with my ex-husband. I can remember the good times and realize that for most of our time together, he WAS the person I thought he was. We still get together at times (basically child-related occasions), and it's not even awkward anymore.

But none of that helps now. I just wish you comfort and warmth and hugs ... and a doctor who understands how to help you through to the point where it doesn't hurt quite so much.

[Scripps2]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 3:39pm

I'd feel gutted too Mister Matt, reading all that's happenned to you recently.

I don't know how it works in the US, but in the UK I have a right to a private life - meaning I don't have to discuss my reasons for requesting leave entitlement with my boss.

And I'm right in the queue behind TxTwoStep.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 4:41pm

"I entertained the idea of spray-painting a big letter A on each of his jockeys and hanging them on a clothes line in the front yard."

That is the most fantastic art installation idea. You would have been the next Karen Finley if you'd done it!

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 5:37pm

iflit - Thank you so much for that. The related stories do help me so much. At first, I was so afraid of sounding silly or pathetic or like a "victim", but then I realized...I'm actually going through all this. It's not like I'm making it up. It's all real. So...yeah. I don't want to be a victim and I have never played the victim. I just have to find the strength to crawl out of the rubble and salvage what's left over. And I'm working on it. And advocacy is amongst the strongest of remedies. So I'm rallying. And the response is more than I hoped.

Scripps - I expect a full dance card at my next cotillion and I will not be satisfied until a jealous brawl has ensued. I want fisticuffs. I have no idea what they are and I've always wanted to see them. And I plan to take on a more assertive role this time around. I will let those know who should be behind whom. Consider yourself considered. Highly.

Somehow, I knew Namo would get to Karen Finley eventually. It somehow seemed appropriate and inevitable. Now I just need to record Diamanda Galas as my voicemail.

Updated On: 4/7/11 at 05:37 PM

[PalJoey]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 5:38pm

Lovely post, iflit.

The Dance of Anger by psychologist Harriet Lerner is one of the most insightful self-help books I've ever read. (And I read lots of them.) It was geared toward women, but it rings true for men as well. After that she published The Dance of Intimacy, The Dancer of Connection, The Dance of Deception...they were all good but The Dance of Anger was the one that was the most influential.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 7:30pm

I picked up Dance of Anger and Dance of Fear on my way home. I'm going to start reading tonight. Thank you for the tip!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/7/11 at 11:20pm

I picked up something called A Confederacy of Dances and then got home and realized I read it wrong.

Dance for Grandma, dance for Grandma.

[tommyboy]

Posted: 4/8/11 at 10:12am

"Dad would take Mom to Roseland, she'd come home with her shoes in her hand."

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 4/8/11 at 10:35am

Speaking of dancing, I'm listening to Outta My Head by Leona Lewis. It's not the same scenario, but it's helping. Mornings are difficult. I want to start charging rent for space in my brain (wonderful image, by the way, Namo) and some people simply do not pass the credit and background check.