My sexuality- Page 4

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 11:50am

No robbie sweetie...unless you're Michael Jackson in disquise.

[harris007]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 11:53am

*shakes his head more*

[MTVMANN]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 11:53am

What are all these "At the Ballet" references about?????? Fill me IN!!!!!!

[CapnHook]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 12:21pm

Holy ****! I'M GAY??? Well - thanks for letting me know! I can still like boobs, right?

Anyway - something Namo said startled me:

"I also believe that the REASON Capn is doing these "gradual reveal" posts is that subconsciously he WANTS somebody to cut to the chase. So I seized the moment.

Incidentally, the guy who suggested the orgy, is bisexual."

Namo - first, I love you. You'll be the only male in my life who I actually do love, for I truly don't believe myself to be gay.

But you hit it right out of the ballpark! I have been sharing so much of my life for many reasons: self-therapy being one, wanting to be understood is another, entertainment is a third, and exactly what you said! I actually realized this before I hit the "Post Message" button for this "My sexuality" thread. I WANT someone to come right out and say it! TELL ME MY FUTURE!

And you have done this. And this is why you'll be the ONLY male I'll ever love. You made me realize that I'm NOT gay. I can't picture myself with another male. When I masturbate, I think of a hot woman.

I am considering therapy, Sueleen. It's free here at school, may as well see what the doctor has to say.

Yet - I love figuring this out on my own. And I love the help I get from my BWW buddies.

I still have social issues, of course, because of my childhood. OF COURSE I can't socialize with people now, I don't know how to! I never learned! I'm at a disadvantage!

And you know something I realized - recently I have been becoming closer with a few people here. This hasn't happened all year, but in April, I have actually hung out with people. We went to Olive Garden! Chick-fil-A! The mall! The movies! We hung out on the theatre building's stoop. Perhaps I am gradually getting there.

Or perhaps not. Perhaps it's because school ends Thursday. There are no classes this week, only exams. There's nothing better to do.

Who knows. And for those who were worried about me being suicidal in the e-mails I received: no way. Life is a mystery I want to solve. I'm not ready to go until I do.

I want a career in the theatre. I want a wife. I want a child.

Gay? I really don't think so. Denial? Maybe. I was raised a Christian (and have since become less attached to it), and was called "gay" as a child. Perhaps I have grown up thinking it to be bad and wrong. But then what gets me is that I naturally don't think of guys in that way. I'm attracted to women.

Wow, this post has become a response to many side-discussions Namo's word have set off in my head.

What do you think?

[MTVMANN]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 12:35pm

I think that, for now, your sexuality isn't your problem at all. You have other things to concearn yourself about, perhaps Social Anxiety Disorder?????? Anyways, at therapy, if you go, don't waste time about your sexuality because you already have that figured out, right?????? So focus on these other things!!!!!!

[MTVMANN]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 12:36pm

I think that, for now, your sexuality isn't your problem at all. You have other things to concearn yourself about, perhaps Social Anxiety Disorder?????? Anyways, at therapy, if you go, don't waste time about your sexuality because you already have that figured out, right?????? So focus on these other things!!!!!!

[robbiej]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 12:42pm

What's that pill they take for Social Anxiety Disorder? You know...the one whose side effects are that you yawn and tremble? Is it a little blue pill?

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 12:45pm

I'M GAY??? Well - thanks for letting me know! I can still like boobs, right?

Oh of course. I'm as gay as a childhood Christmas and I just LOVE boobs. In fact, so does every gay man I know.

[LittleFish8386]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 12:50pm

Something with a Z I think Robbie...it will come to me.

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 1:04pm

Zoloft?

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 1:05pm

Zyban?

[LittleFish8386]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 1:05pm

That's IT!! Thanks Pop. I kept thinking Ziagra...

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 1:39pm

all due respect to Namo, but...

for those who find themselves in the middle of the Kinsey scale (while Namo finds himself at no moderation of anything, just the admittedly entertaining and pithy extremes), there is a great pressure from both ends to get "defined." People considering themselves at least bi are often accused of "copping out", "being in denial", "afraid to be themselves" as if choosing one gender to pursue romantically and/or platonically and/or sexually would solve their (admittedly) ambigious natures.

It might not. Just like a clear cut decision or commitment in any factor of your life, even the less complicated ones than sexual preference, won't solve all the rest of your daily challenges. Every choice has ramifications, and while it's easier to create a template, reality keeps changing the factors you're contemplating.

So CAP'N, i maintain my advice: find people to love/lust/like first. Worry about their gender after that. It has certainly worked for me (which might be reason enough for NAMO and anyone else to reject it, cuz who'd like to end up like me?!?!? *wink*)

P.S. EDIT: plus, some men have boobs. Firm and perky or full and pendulous. And will adopt a baby with you, or surrogate one with you and a kindly third party. And some women can be hot even if they're strapping on one and doing you like a good little puppy. (just to bring it back to the primal level a bit LOL).

Updated On: 5/3/05 at 01:39 PM

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 2:17pm

even if they're strapping on one and doing you like a good little puppy.

OH MY!

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 2:18pm

whatsa matter, POPCULTURE, don't like Toto?

[KelRel]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 2:39pm

even if they're strapping on one and doing you like a good little puppy.
I almost fell out of my chair...wow

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 2:54pm

You know what, you gay men?? YOU CAN'T HAVE THE BOOBS TOO. Leave me with something, please.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 2:59pm

Ha ha, Beav. You know I prefer the real thing.

[shira467]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 3:07pm

Boobs...I'm officially disturbed now.

[CATSNYrevival]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 4:55pm

I'd just like to say that I'm gay and I'm fascinated by boobs. just not when they're "wild and free" as Graham as said...

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 4:57pm

B BOOBS, for the record, i find Jacko these days "disquising" as well, if it's related (as Galinda might have it) to his making me "disquiet"

Updated On: 5/3/05 at 04:57 PM

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 5:23pm

Oh, TX, I don't deny the existence of bisexuality at all. In fact, I am absolutely CERTAIN that the other guy Capn wrote about is bisexual. It's my opinion that only bisexuals are together enough to suggest an orgy at the drop of a hat, as this man in Capn's story so casually and delightfully does. He's gonna have an adventure-filled life as long as he doesn't cave under the pressure to conform.

As for Capn, well, I'm glad you love me and would hasten to caution you about making these decisions and blanket pronouncements like, "Namo you're the only man I will ever love." I know you state and restate your case as a social misfit so badly damaged that you've never developed the skills to be in relationship with anybody. But you'll love other men too. Even if just platonically.

Now let's look at popculture boy's genius statement: "I'm as gay as a childhood Christmas and I just LOVE boobs. In fact, so does every gay man I know."

Exactly. And in an informal gay men's caucus (that's "caucus," you tramps), somebody said to me, "Can there be any gayer statement than 'When I masturbate, I think of a hot woman?'"

The short answer is not really. Well, the shorter answer is "no."

Seriously, Capn, maybe you shouldn't have read the spoiler. With your conservative Christian background and apparently innate oppositional stance-taking, you may now feel the need to "prove" that the people who think "they know you" and who think you're gay are WRONG.

Let's face it, that's the biggest generative theme that comes up in your writing. "They think they know me, they think they're my friends, but they don't know me AT ALL!"

This quickly translates, when morphed with whatever it is you think is wrong or unappealing about gay life, into: "I'm not like that, like those gay guys, at all. I want kids, I want to get married..." but that's really just a grief response over losing the pre-ordained path that people are expected to go down until they come out and families/friends stop pressuring them to get hitched and reproduce. When you realize that you don't fit the mold, there's a very real feeling of loss over the societal privleges that come with being a part of the majority.

As for your constant oppositional posturing ("They don't know ME!"), I still think I am right in my spoiler for you. But given your background, I can just as easily picture you trying to prove to me or to others who think you're gay that we're so wrong that you'll get married and have kids to prove it to us. But really to yourself.

And that way lies only one other narrative.

Somewhere around your youngest kid's 15th birthday you find yourself in a support group for married gay men who lament their situation but can not move through it. "I could never come out now. Not before the youngest is in college. It would ruin their lives. They couldn't handle it. I wouldn't want to hurt my wife either. She's my best friend. I do love her very much. But not in a romantic/sexual way. It's more like siblings. And she seems fine with that. Maybe in another life I will be able to be who I really am. But not this one. It would hurt too many people. But still, I do secretly get together with guys when I'm out of town working crew on a show. I have something of a crush on this young man, Tyler Justin Tyler Sullivan who plays Link in the 14th Bus and Truck company of 'Hairsray! Live in Vegas!' But of course it can never be. Tyler Justin Tyler knows how I feel and he says he doesn't like me that way but that we can be friends. I understand what he means. And I'm okay with that."

Believe me, if you stay in the habit of denying yourself the things you need to survive, human connections, sexual pleasure, companionship, you're going to just stay stuck in a punishment rut that consists of you suffering all the time and seething with barely contained rage at people who would dare to presume they know the real you even though you've never allowed them to see it. And if you think that's inaccurate, to say you're seething with barely contained rage, keep this up for a couple more years and you'll be seething visibly.

Years ago I saw a New Yorker cartoon that reminds me of your situation. A guy walks far into the desert and digs a big, deep hole. He climbs into it and pulls the earth back on top of himself. Buried under the non-descript landscape, he thinks to himself, "If they loved me they'd find me."

My serious suggestion to you is that you take advantage of counselling on your campus. And don't wait until next year because the semester's almost over and you have finals or whatever tactic you'll use to put it off. Break that cycle now and establish a counseling relationship pronto. This notion that a socially awkward loner can perform "self-therapy," (whatever that is, although I enjoy self-massage therapy frequently) is completely specious and another potential major pitfall for you, in my estimation.

It's never going to be as easy as it is while you're in college to get access to mental health help again.

[bwaysinger]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 5:42pm

Wow.
You won't be the only man I will ever love (that hot guy on the L being only the most recent) but thank you, Namo, for that well-written essay.

[CapnHook]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 6:22pm

Damn, Namo. Write a ****ing book. You're amazing.

Thoughts I had while reading your reply:

1) I'm in a rut. "Coming out" now, as gay, is impossible, because I don't feel that way. I have had attraction to females, but haven't found one that I wanted to pursue. So I am waiting. I'm in a rut. I think perhaps you are wanting me to be homosexual, because you are, or "the signs are there." (That's not meant to be offensive). Just in my heart, I don't feel it.

2) Prove it? NEVER felt the need to do that. I NEVER have to prove a ****ing thing to ANYONE - not even MYSELF. I spent all my life caring about what others think - but I don't anymore. NO ONE is gonna stop me from being me. NOBODY - NO! NOBODY IS GONNA RAIN ON MY PARADE!

3) I think I want to be a father just as much as, or possibly more than, having a wife. I'm not so much into the "family" thing, a la have a house and the whole deal. And I'm not ready for a child, nor a wife. I'm too career-driven.

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 5/3/05 at 6:33pm

i wholeheartedly agree about the counseling. It's not just for misfits; it makes even the fit better, and provides a real outlet for change. Plus something about it, whether it's paid for or not, puts change on a timetable of sorts, which is helpful for a lot of people. If your school offers it free with your health center fees, TAKE ADVANTAGE. It will likely never be that accessible at almost no cost again.

And NAMO, i also know what you mean about the "orgy" guy. During puppyhood i was always the one leading the spin-the-bottle and skinny-dipping. Embracing your bisexuality, if that's your self-actualized nature, can be really freeing and empowering.

Which reminds me, CAP'N, can you PM me that college guy's contact info?!?! *evil grin*