Oh, TX, I don't deny the existence of bisexuality at all. In fact, I am absolutely CERTAIN that the other guy Capn wrote about is bisexual. It's my opinion that only bisexuals are together enough to suggest an orgy at the drop of a hat, as this man in Capn's story so casually and delightfully does. He's gonna have an adventure-filled life as long as he doesn't cave under the pressure to conform.
As for Capn, well, I'm glad you love me and would hasten to caution you about making these decisions and blanket pronouncements like, "Namo you're the only man I will ever love." I know you state and restate your case as a social misfit so badly damaged that you've never developed the skills to be in relationship with anybody. But you'll love other men too. Even if just platonically.
Now let's look at popculture boy's genius statement: "I'm as gay as a childhood Christmas and I just LOVE boobs. In fact, so does every gay man I know."
Exactly. And in an informal gay men's caucus (that's "caucus," you tramps), somebody said to me, "Can there be any gayer statement than 'When I masturbate, I think of a hot woman?'"
The short answer is not really. Well, the shorter answer is "no."
Seriously, Capn, maybe you shouldn't have read the spoiler. With your conservative Christian background and apparently innate oppositional stance-taking, you may now feel the need to "prove" that the people who think "they know you" and who think you're gay are WRONG.
Let's face it, that's the biggest generative theme that comes up in your writing. "They think they know me, they think they're my friends, but they don't know me AT ALL!"
This quickly translates, when morphed with whatever it is you think is wrong or unappealing about gay life, into: "I'm not like that, like those gay guys, at all. I want kids, I want to get married..." but that's really just a grief response over losing the pre-ordained path that people are expected to go down until they come out and families/friends stop pressuring them to get hitched and reproduce. When you realize that you don't fit the mold, there's a very real feeling of loss over the societal privleges that come with being a part of the majority.
As for your constant oppositional posturing ("They don't know ME!"), I still think I am right in my spoiler for you. But given your background, I can just as easily picture you trying to prove to me or to others who think you're gay that we're so wrong that you'll get married and have kids to prove it to us. But really to yourself.
And that way lies only one other narrative.
Somewhere around your youngest kid's 15th birthday you find yourself in a support group for married gay men who lament their situation but can not move through it. "I could never come out now. Not before the youngest is in college. It would ruin their lives. They couldn't handle it. I wouldn't want to hurt my wife either. She's my best friend. I do love her very much. But not in a romantic/sexual way. It's more like siblings. And she seems fine with that. Maybe in another life I will be able to be who I really am. But not this one. It would hurt too many people. But still, I do secretly get together with guys when I'm out of town working crew on a show. I have something of a crush on this young man, Tyler Justin Tyler Sullivan who plays Link in the 14th Bus and Truck company of 'Hairsray! Live in Vegas!' But of course it can never be. Tyler Justin Tyler knows how I feel and he says he doesn't like me that way but that we can be friends. I understand what he means. And I'm okay with that."
Believe me, if you stay in the habit of denying yourself the things you need to survive, human connections, sexual pleasure, companionship, you're going to just stay stuck in a punishment rut that consists of you suffering all the time and seething with barely contained rage at people who would dare to presume they know the real you even though you've never allowed them to see it. And if you think that's inaccurate, to say you're seething with barely contained rage, keep this up for a couple more years and you'll be seething visibly.
Years ago I saw a New Yorker cartoon that reminds me of your situation. A guy walks far into the desert and digs a big, deep hole. He climbs into it and pulls the earth back on top of himself. Buried under the non-descript landscape, he thinks to himself, "If they loved me they'd find me."
My serious suggestion to you is that you take advantage of counselling on your campus. And don't wait until next year because the semester's almost over and you have finals or whatever tactic you'll use to put it off. Break that cycle now and establish a counseling relationship pronto. This notion that a socially awkward loner can perform "self-therapy," (whatever that is, although I enjoy self-massage therapy frequently) is completely specious and another potential major pitfall for you, in my estimation.
It's never going to be as easy as it is while you're in college to get access to mental health help again.
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