know any jokes?- Page 4

[sean martin]

Posted: 7/6/04 at 5:31pm

Mr and Mrs Molecule walk into a bar. Mrs Molecule suddenly looks up in fear, rips open her purse, and yells, "Oh my god! I've lost an electron!"

"Honey, are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

-------------------------------------------------

Two little old Jewish gentlemen, friends for life, were sitting on a park bench one day, when one says, "Maury! I just realized! Tomrrow is your 80th birthday! I should get you something special! I know! For you, my friend, I will buy a high priced hooker! You will have a great time and tell me all about it!"

So the following day, they're sitting on the same park bench.

"So, Maury, how was it!"

"Ach, Tevye, you have no idea! She takes me up to her little room and ties me spread eagle on the bed. Then she goes to this little refrigerator and takes out a jar of grape jelly, which she proceeds to lather all over my manhood. Then she goes back to the little refrigerator and takes out a jar of peanut butter and does the same thing. Then she eats it all -- ach, Tevye, you have no idea how incredible it was! And because it was so amazing, I have personally arranged for you to have the very same hooker tonight! And tomorrow you will meet me here and tell me everything that happened!"

So the following day, same park bench, same two little old Jewish gentlemen. "So, Tevye, how was it?"

"Ach, Maury, like you cannot believe! She takes me up to her little room and ties me spread eagle to the bed."

"Ach, so good, so good!"

"Then she goes to the little refrigerator and takes out some lox and places it all over my manhood!"

"Ach, I am so not believing how good this is! And?"

"And then she goes back to the little refrigerator and takes out some cream cheese."

"Ach! And then?"

"Looked so good, I ate it myself!"

Updated On: 7/6/04 at 05:31 PM

[dramaqueen]

Posted: 7/6/04 at 7:36pm

thats great!

[dramaqueen]

Posted: 7/6/04 at 7:41pm

i was at dinner with my friend tonight, and she told m this joke while we were waiting for our food which took FOREVER..anywayz its a horrible joke but i need to share it with someone

ok so this kid is having a realy hard time in schol, hes in 2nd grade, so his parents say..if youre good the entire year we'll get you anything you want! so at the end of the year-hes made some friends and gotten goo dgrades so they say-okay son -what do you want? and he says:mommy daddy i want a pink ping pong ball-and theyre kind of confused but they buy it for him, the next year the same thing happens, only he asks for 2 ping pong balls, then 3 then 4 etc etc. in his senior year-his parents say okay so what do you want-he says i want a ferrari flled with pink ping pong balls, so they give it to him, in college he asks for an SUV filled woth pink ping pong bals, the second he gets the SUV he hires a moving van to take his cars and pig pong balls to CA, his parents follow him wondering whats goign on. they find him by the roadside near to death after he got hit by another car, hes surrounded my pink ping pong balls. his parents sya-before you die son, we have a question for you-what was going on with the pink ping pong balls
the son says very slowly I....
and tehn he dies



yes yes i know that is the most annoying joke evr-but i had to share

[nystateomind04]

Posted: 7/6/04 at 7:55pm

that isnt what i'd call a joke exactly, but i agree that it is annoying

[insomniak]

Posted: 7/6/04 at 8:30pm

A blond, a brunette and a redhead are going to be executed via firing squad. The brunette walks up there and shouts "Earthquake!" and everyone believes her so they all run for cover and she gets away. The redhead gets up and yells "hurricane!" and the people believe her and she gets away. THe blond goes up and shouts "fire!" and they all shoot her.

[NuggetMonkeys]

Posted: 7/6/04 at 11:48pm

one more helen keller:

-Did you know that Helen Keller had a dog?
-No.
-Neither did she.

-d.b.j-

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:03pm

For the family...

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs and candy went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road.

50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved again and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what could possibly be in that woman's spray can!! He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:06pm

For the grandparents...

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral."

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:08pm

For Dad...

A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman`s face
was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn`t graft any skin from her
body because she was too thin.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the
only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to
come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their
secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman`s
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All
her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay
you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:16pm

For Dad, too...


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:19pm

For Mom..

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce. Saks Fifth Avenue."
A few floors later, another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce. Bergdorf Goodman."
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she bends over, and farts. She looks both beautiful women in the eye and says, "Broccoli Rabe, 49 cents a pound. Fairway."

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:31pm

For Sis...


What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage

Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:39pm

For Junior...


IT's GREAT TO BE A MAN!!

Your butt (or chest) is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real.

Your last name stays put.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Same work...more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act f thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: He must be mad at me."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.

The world is your urinal.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:43pm

For Dad, again...


A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the c-o-c-kpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Montreal and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."


Updated On: 7/12/04 at 10:43 PM

[Unknown User]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 10:46pm

For Cousin Jerome...

You know you’re gay if……

1. You regularly use the phrase "window treatment."

2. Your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp de-veiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer.

3. You’re over thirty and thinner than you were in high school.

4. You know all the lyrics to any musical besides Jesus Christ Superstar.

5. Your Christmas decorations include dried roses or baby’s breath.

6. You know the difference between a "soundtrack" and an "original cast album."

7. You tape Martha Stewart Living religiously.

8. The only professional sports you watch on TV are gymnastics, diving, and figure skating.

9. You know what a sconce is.

10. You have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah.

11. You have more ties than teeth.

12. You know how to spell Barbra’s first name.

13. You’ve never felt the need to use Barbra’s last name.

14. You know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music.

15. You’ve ever watched the Miss America pageant and said "Where did she get that dress!"

16. It took you a while to realize that International Male was a catalog.

17. You’ve ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony Awards.

18. You know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon."

19. Your video collection contains All About Eve, The Women, or Mommie Dearest.

20. You’ve ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance.

21. You receive a floral arrangement and can name more than three flowers.

22. You’ve ever used the phrase "floral arrangement."

23. Your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer.

24. You know where to find tulle really cheap.

25. You can tie a bow tie on someone else.

26. You know whether Chita or Rita did the film version of West Side Story.

27. Your mother calls you for decorating tips.

28. The names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all.

29. You have "dress" sneakers.

30. You own more than two throw pillows, and they didn’t come with the couch.

31. You’ve ever seriously considered purchasing a divan.

32. You chose your socks this morning to bring out your eyes.

33. You use a Crate and Barrel bag as a lunch box.

34. The only reason you learned how to use the record function on your VCR was because it was male-strippers day on Donahue.

35. You know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died.

36. Special K means something to you besides breakfast.

37. You own any article of clothing with the logo "2(x)ist."

38. You still mourn the premature demise of Conran’s.

39. You’ve ever bought a Barbie doll for your niece’s birthday, but her party comes and goes and she never actually opens up a Barbie doll for a present.

40. You’ve ever walked down the street, had a dozen beautiful men say hello to you, and not been able to recall a single face or name.

41. You own a pair of kneepads yet play no organized sport.

42. You’ve ever uttered the phrases "Get her!," "She’s a mess," or "What’s her problem?"

43. You talk in italics.

44. You’ve ever needed a massage because you’d overworked your eyebrows.

45. You simply hate the color lavender because it makes you look sallow.

46. Someone says "How ‘bout them Bulls?" and all you can think of are petite picadors in tight pants.

47. You see a sign for IKEA, Pottery Barn, or Hold Everything and your palms start to sweat.

48. You require two syllables to say "please."

49. Your pairs of shoes outnumber days of the week.

50. Your underwear drawer is filled with nothing but Calvin Klein, in assorted styles and colors.

51. You save the packaging materials from said Calvin Klein purchases.

52. At eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat.

53. You’ve ever, while walking down the street, executed an impromptu series of grande jettees.
54. You still can’t get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s.

55. You’ve ever gone to a Mel Gibson movie, merely in the hope that he will repeat his butt-bearing performance in Lethal Weapon.

56. You’ve ever felt guilty at being attracted to someone as homophobic as Mel Gibson.

57. You know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common.

58. You display in any public form a reproduction of Michaelangelo’s David.

59. You’ve ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger.

60. You’ve ever sighed with jealousy at the sight of a starlet in a feather boa.

61. You take a size-13 pump.

62. You own any chaps and they weren’t designed by Ralph Lauren.

63. The last time you put on a floor-length organdy ball gown, you first had to shave your chest.

64. By the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you’ve given every other passenger a "fashion score."

65. You’d sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a work-out ensemble that just didn’t match.

66. If you’re the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges.

67. You can think of more than five uses for a doily.

68. Whenever you hear the name "Christina," you get the urge to shout "Bring me the axe!"

69. You’re currently wearing a studded, leather ring approximately 3 inches in diameter, but no one can see it.

70. You know who Dorothy Gale is.

71. You’ve ever spontaneously quoted any of the lines from Auntie Mame.

72. You’ve ever run a red light because you were too busy thinking about what you were going to wear to the White Party.

73. You’ve ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket."

74. You’ve bookmarked www.menonthenet.com.

75. You’ve ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!" and your name isn’t Mary.

76. You worship Marky Mark, but own none of his CDs.

77. You can tell on sight the difference between a salchow and a triple lutz.

78. You’ve sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation.

79. You’re the only one in the class picture wearing spats and an ascot.

80. You used adverbs before the age of two.

81. You know exactly where to find those Brad Pitt photos on the internet.

82. You prefer Maria’s 1958 Normas to her 1959 Normas.

83. The idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle.

84. You have more friends named Richard, Steven, and Michael than Rich, Steve, and Mike.

85. You’ve ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood.

86. The last time you danced at a wedding, you accidently started to follow.

87. People admire your "six-pack," and you don’t drink soda or beer.

88. You’ve ever introduced someone as your "partner," and you’re not in business together.

89. If you’ve ever sent anything in black latex as a gift.

90. You’re known as someone who works "The Circuit," but you have no knowledge whatsover of electronics.

91. In your last "divorce" you fought over who would get the Soloflex.

92. You’ve ever answered the phone at night to the sound of a husky male voice and asked ‘So, what’re you into?’ only to find the guy’s from Citibank.

93. You regularly slap other men on the butt, but you don’t coach a football team.

94. Your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale.

95. Your dog is smaller than a bread box.

96. To you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous."

97. At the gym you spend more time in the shower than on the stairmaster.

98. You’ve ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscotting.

99. You regularly "toss the salad," and it involves no greenery or vegetable of any kind.

100. You’ve ever said "Look at the tits on her!" and there were no women anywhere in sight.

101. You’ve ever gone 5 blocks out of your way to walk through Times Square to check out the latest Antonio Sabato billboards.

[GovernorSlaton]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 11:21pm

"goes into the ****pit"

That's funny; 'cock' in the word 'cockpit' was edited out.

[Matt_G]

Posted: 7/12/04 at 11:30pm

armpit
peachpit

hmmm. It doesn't do it to other words. It only does it with the word COCK. Interesting.

[beacon1]

Posted: 7/13/04 at 5:40pm

Matt_G

Thanks for bringing back Jake!


SecretSoul, we await the return of Hugh!

[beacon1]

Posted: 7/13/04 at 7:20pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful livesthat I'm granting you six months to go back to earthand be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and*poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof*she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says."Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says .......

"No no sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."

[ckeaton]

Posted: 7/29/04 at 9:55am

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent..

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost
my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry
we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his
arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it
common?" Doc says, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy
says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no
bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids
were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he
picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's
really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50
bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He
said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a
mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar
tender here?"

[shlamdiddly]

Posted: 7/29/04 at 12:20pm

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. As
they wait in line at the pearly gates, God decides to grant them one last wish because of the grief that they have all suffered. He asks the first person in line what their wish is and she replies "I want to be gorgeous". God snaps his fingers and her wish is granted. The next person in line hears
this and requests the same thing. Down the line it goes and all
request to be made beautiful again. About half way through, the man at the end of the line begins laughing. As God continues making the people beautiful one by one, the man continues to laugh only harder and harder. Finally God gets to the last man and asks him what his last wish is. He wipes the tears of
laughter from his eyes and says,

"Make them all ugly again!"

[ponine24601]

Posted: 7/29/04 at 2:23pm

hahahahaha. these are great. i have like no jokes because i'm not that funny, but i have the most common one!

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side!

[shermanslave]

Posted: 7/29/04 at 6:28pm

This one is really really bad. Probably offensive to most...


This girl tells her dad that she needs a prom dress. Her father says, "well, sweetie, those don't grow on tress you know. You're gonna have to pay me back in some way. How about a little oral sex?" So the girl proceeds in servicing her father and she says, "gee Dad, your penis tastes like sh*t!" "I know", he says. "Your brother needed a tuxedo."


Thanks folks, I'll be here all week!

[ckeaton]

Posted: 7/29/04 at 6:28pm

wha...wow.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 7/29/04 at 6:29pm

OMG. That was........original.