Well, you know, it's a year off, so maybe (in the spirit of good family entertainment values, y'know), we should provide NBC with our own take on how they can take this country singing sensation and make it all work in THE SOUND OF MUSIC. I mean, sure, it'll mean making a few changes here and there, but heck, the Met does this all the time and no one cares (well, too much).
So... THUH SOUYND UH MEWYSIC (as adapted from some play by a couple of Yankees who should git down on their knees and thank God for this great land)
ACT ONE. Scene 1: The Abby Trailer Park, high in the hills of West Virginia. The local Baptist ladies are all working away on their upcoming bake sell and truck raffle, but no one can find Mary (who makes the best corn muffins in the county). Frustrated, they commiserate over a Long Island Iced Tea or two and sing "Whut do yew do with a prohblem liyke Mary?"
Scene 2: Up in the hills, Mary picks her way past a few not so well hidden stills as she sings "Thuh HIYLLLLLS 'R' UH-LIVE with the sound of Banjos!"
Scene 3: Mary returns home, only to find she's been summoned before Abby Superior, the trailer park's matriarch. Abby tells her that she's lined up a real sweet job babysitting for the local circuit court appeals judge (who's up for re-election). Mary, being of course a welfare case, balks at the idea because it means her government subsistence check will be taken away, but then she sees a picture of the judge and decides that she needs to get in there, pull herself up by her bra straps, and help make America great once more, which leads into the passionately patriotic number (backed up by an offstage chorus of Marines) "Eagles all weepy and grunts at attention / Stars and stripes on everything too numerous to mention / Trusting in Reagan and all that he sings / These are a few of my favourite things!"
I'm tellin' ya, we got a gold mine here!!!
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