More catching up...
Claire talks about being a mom and her baby and yadda yadda yadda. She's doing this all for her daughter (whom she
left) and her milk is drying up and what is she going to do for food now? And while we get all her personal family footage, I quickly check to make sure I'm not watching Bravo. This should be another show called
Mommy is a Model or something. This is so not fierce. She goes on to complain about how hard it is to live in a house full of bitches. (Glass House: "I see I'm going to have to kick some ass again.")
Then comes the fun. Ok so, apparently Dominique can't figure out how to set her alarm clock. Say it isn't so! The model stereotype breathes a huge sigh of relief as it remains firmly intact. As a result, it keeps going off way too early waking everyone up pretty much every day. Well, Claire has obviously had enough and goes off on Dom. She's obviously not a morning person. Dom puts up the most aggravating defense ever which boils down basically to, "So?" Even Anya pipes in to point out that she too was annoyed by the repeated alarm mishaps. I totally get Claire's frustration as Dom, while admitting she screwed up the alarm, basically decides to do nothing about it and it's really everyone else's problem. Then she goes on to tell Claire she doesn't care what Claire's opinion is. A stance I have never fully understood. I mean, if you're just telling someone that you are going to have no respect for them whatsoever, then why expect respect in return? Claire decides to test this theory later in a most unattractive way.
The argument continues and the word "bitch" is tossed and Dom has a real problem with being called a bitch. Because it happens so often, I assume. So Dom asks if Claire calls her husband a bitch because the best way to win an argument is to drag someone's totally uninvolved family into the fight. But what's this? Claire decides to take it even lower and say, "At least I have a husband." A retaliation that predates the NOW. Where did she find such an insult? A Doris Day/Rock Hudson "romantic" comedy? I'm not so fond of Claire any more.
BUT WAIT! Lauren tosses out that Dom has a communication problem and Dom tells her basically to butt out. Lauren joins in the attack on Dom and Whitney pipes in calling her "trash" (but she didn't call her "black trash") and Lauren then proceeds to FREAK OUT and stand on a chair and yell at Dom.
Later, Dom feels ganged up on and runs to call her mommy and cry about how all the girls are so mean to her all the time. Obviously, it's because she's such a strong competitor and they are all jealous. Ok, let's stop right here. Do people really believe this when they say it? I hear that line on every single reality show and it's always uttered by some self-absorbed sack of smelly bitch. And it is at this point that Dom becomes the new Melrose and now we all want her to hang around as long as possible just to see her reaction to get so close and NOT WIN. Yeah, I actually rewound the final moments of Caridee's victory
several times just see the look on Melrose's face. Sweet.
But now it's time for the posing lesson. Yeah, I had forgotten about the actual competition as well. I had to pause to refill my popcorn bowl three times. Tyra pretends to be in pain from a headache? Due to her stumbling? Huh? Don't try to figure it out because Tyra is "acting". Well, at least she's not singing. She then proceeds to teach the girls a shortcut to runway posing which consists of pretending you're in pain. I've found that pretending you're dizzy from bulemia works just as well, but that was from Janice Dickinson's workshop. The cover different types of pains including mestrual cramps (did we have to go there?). Tyra assigns different pains for the girls to act out and gives the really weirdo ones to Claire and Lauren apparently as some sort of punishment (you know she watches the dailies). Claire has to pretend her neck hurts from being strangled by a man while shooting a movie (why throw in the movie aspect of the scenario if you're posing on a runway? Sounds like too much subtext to me). Later, Lauren is told she has pain in her...get this...
palms...from...wait for it...playing too much patty-cake. As you would expect, Lauren is all like, "THE HELL???" and can't quite come up with a runway pose at a moment's notice for a completely whack command such as palms and patty-cake. Obviously, she just doesn't want this bad enough. This goes on and on with each girl until they are dismissed only to find out when they get home...
TYRA MAIL! Get rid of the damn scrolling marquee! OH MY GOD, MY EARS! Absolute torture! Well, it turns out the lesson was the challenge because not only couldn't they think up a lesson, but there wasn't enough in the editing budget to include the house fights AND a reward challenge unless they went into a two-part episode. So Anya wins and gets a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel. In the nude. HA! Nigel is such a dirty old man. You know it was totally his idea. The only thing missing was him telling her it will take place in a hotel room he rented for the day and they can go ahead and start alone because the camera crew is running late. Eyerolling.
Here comes the rain again...Dom is feeling "sick" (go talk to Danielle or She Who Must Not Be Named and then tell us you're sick) and wants to go to sleep, but Claire, Lauren and Whitney are sitting in the room talking all kinds of smack about her as if she weren't there. It's all so Mean Girls. Claire decides to become an immature bitch and despite Dom politely requesting them to go to another room and let her rest, they continue cranking it up several notches in skankiness. Now, I see the irony here considering the Alarmgate, but this was a prime opportunity to show some real class and maturity. The fact that Claire decides to be cruel absolutely kills it for me. And I'm not too thrilled about the way Whitney and Lauren happily go along for the ride. It's pretty ugly and the three of them really come across as bullies.
Rock genre photo shoot! I'm going to skim over this as much as possible because while interesting, it doesn't beat the high school escapades of the home life footage. The girls are each assigned a different rock genre to represent in a photo. Fatima is so-so as Metal. Katarzyna does emo pretty well, though it totally should have been a shot of her standing in front of a brick wall looking as though she can't be bothered. Lauren is pop and manages to look HOT (how does she do it?). Claire is country and when she initially comes out looking like Dolly Parton gave birth to Patsy Cline's daughter, you think she's going to nail it, but then...she totally screws up. HA! I mean, to me, that was the
easiest of them all, but Claire overthought and tried to go for glamour rather than the actual goal of the shoot. Dom is flower-child folk and doesn't impress me as much as she does the judges. She looks like Jermaine Jackson doing a drag act as a young Mary Travers. Anya is "punk", though not really. She just looks like 80s Russian Vogue. Whitney is grunge and pulls it off. Aimee is R&B and unsurpisingly hasn't a clue. No diva. No drama. Just lying on the floor holding a mike as R&B artists so often do.
The editing staff fakes us out by leading us to believe we're going to have the annual dirty dishes war, but it never materializes. Bastards!
Judging...Whitney and Lauren are awesome. Katarzyna's short hair is inspiring and the judges tell her she will get another makeover. UNFAIR! Blah blah...Dom is so pretty, to which I say "WTF?"...Aimee and Claire both obviously suck and are in the bottom two. Tyra stretches it out, though we all knew Aimee was going home. When Tyra hands Claire her photo, Claire hoots and jumps for joy and breaks out in a little victory dance. Meanwhile, Aimee is heaving sobs behind her. When Tyra finishes her little learn-a-lesson speech to Claire, Claire starts to join the other girls with absolutely no sense of decorum or awareness, but then laughingly turns to Aimee for a hug merely as a token afterthought. If I was Aimee, I would have pushed the bitch off and knocked her to the floor. Claire is dead to me now. Zip it, bitch!
"What can you expect from a bunch of seitan worshippers?" - Reginald Tresilian
