Matt Doyle-another wonderful low-key coming out..- Page 2

[wendilin622]

Posted: 12/21/09 at 8:58pm

Going back to what dramamama said, it just feels so awkward to say something so formal to a friend.

I fear it might be a long time in our society when one does not have to officially come out. I do however think that these low-key coming outs will help move things along. Kudos to Broadway for setting the foundation.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/21/09 at 9:15pm

The thing is - everybody around you may "know" you are gay, but that doesn't mean it's still not scary to say it out loud. I haven't had to really Come Out in over a decade, I think, but I remember how scary it could be.

I mean this nicely, but if you're straight and wondering if coming out is still necessary, it's just rhetorical for you. It doesn't matter what you think about it. It's not about you.

Unless the world evolves to the point where we accept whatever gender someone chooses to love/sleep with/crush on/whatever then on some level, gay people are ALWAYS going to have to come out.

Many, probably, MOST straight people pretty much take for granted that they are going to see themselves represented in movies, books, celebrity, and simply in the greater world at large. And for you it IS implicit. For gay people, it's not implicit. At least not most of the time.

[wendilin622]

Posted: 12/21/09 at 9:26pm

"It doesn't matter what you think about it. It's not about you. "

Well put Phyllis. I think everyone now-a-days (and I'm guilty of it myself, especially being a social studies teacher who leads a group of 16 year olds in controversial discussions daily) is so worried about what the politically polite phrase or response is. I just hate the thought of someone else putting themselves on the line or making themselves vulnerable to me, and me responding in a way that is inadvertently offensive.

Which is why in the past I've always reiterated if they were happy, I was happy. But I also use the same line to a girl friend who started dating a new guy....

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/22/09 at 10:17am

I think your concern about being inadvertently offensive probably means that you'll take the care NOT to be offensive. I think telling someone you're happy if they're happy is a fine response as well.

A lot of the times - and this is just based on my own experiences - people just want to know that you'll still be there for them after they come out.

But this has sort of verged into two discussions - coming out in your immediate personal life and coming out as a celebrity/public figure.

[Magdalene]

Posted: 12/22/09 at 11:17am

"Why do they have to announce it? For starters, if they don't but you mention them being gay on BWW the thread will be deleted, which reinforces the notion that saying someone is gay is an insult."

PRS, I don't think it's a notion that being gay is an insult, I think it's more to do with outing someone who isn't comfortable enough to speak publicly on their sexuality. It's one thing with that documentary (the title of it escapes me right now) outing politicians who are in the closet, but publicly speak out against homosexuality, it's another thing entirely to out someone who isn't ready to come out.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 12/22/09 at 11:27am

"it's another thing entirely to out someone who isn't ready to come out."

But we're now in a very gray area regarding 'out.' Can someone who goes to Therapy (a gay bar in midtown Manhattan) really use a claim of privacy anymore? If you are walking down 9th Avenue street, holding hands with another guy, are you not publicly out? It's gotten confusing in the Aughts.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/22/09 at 11:32am

Mag, I get what you're saying, but I understand the grey area that Robbie speaks of. I think if you're out enough to go to gay bars, etc, then you need to take your lumps if the public at large finds out.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/22/09 at 12:23pm

If you are walking down 9th Avenue street, holding hands with another guy, are you not publicly out?

Only if you're Twitterpic'd.

[Magdalene]

Posted: 12/23/09 at 7:17pm

"Mag, I get what you're saying, but I understand the grey area that Robbie speaks of. I think if you're out enough to go to gay bars, etc, then you need to take your lumps if the public at large finds out."

Absolutely true!

[TheatreFan4]

Posted: 12/24/09 at 12:20am

The thing is - everybody around you may "know" you are gay, but that doesn't mean it's still not scary to say it out loud. I haven't had to really Come Out in over a decade, I think, but I remember how scary it could be.

I myself am terrified of coming out, but I'm going to try coming out to my parents on New Year's Eve. Wish me luck. God knows I'll need it.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/24/09 at 3:05am

I think there's a general consensus that it's not a good idea to tie a coming out to a national holiday, birthday, etc. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but just bear in mind that coming out to your family on New Year's will inexorably link the two things.

Whatever you decide, though, I wish you nothing but the best.

[AndAllThatJazz22]

Posted: 12/24/09 at 10:01am

"I myself am terrified of coming out, but I'm going to try coming out to my parents on New Year's Eve. Wish me luck. God knows I'll need it."

In my opinion, it's best to come out when it seems natural as opposed to planning a date to tell someone. I really haven't, er, "come out" to very many people other than a few of my good friends (and all of BWW, but that doesn't count), have you come out to any of your friends? You should come out to as many friends as possible before you start telling relatives, because it allows you a little more practice. I've come out to 6 friends and each time it gets progressively easier and less awkward. I also have done it when it felt right for me AND for them, as opposed to planning a date to do it. Just because that's what is best for me doesn't mean it's what's best for you, however. I wish you look in whatever you choose to do.

[Magdalene]

Posted: 12/24/09 at 9:53pm

I hope it goes well for you! I'll be thinking good thoughts your way!

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/25/09 at 12:24am

Jazzy, I think you make some valid points (especially about telling other friends, because having a support group when you tell your folks is never a bad idea), but as for setting a date - I think sometimes you have to with your parents, lest you never find the right way to work it in to conversation. Depending on the parental situation, it could very well be impossible for it to organically come up.

I actually left my mom a note one morning saying I wanted to talk to her that night. After it assuring her it was nothing "bad" I sat her down and just kind of blurted it out. It went well. I did just sort of tell my dad off the cuff (they were divorced by this point) a year or so later. It really just depends, I guess.

Once again, we're in your corner, TheatreFan. Good luck!

[TheatreFan4]

Posted: 12/25/09 at 12:55am

Thanks everyone. I figured New Year's would be a good time because it's the beginning of something new.

I also have done it when it felt right for me AND for them,

I get what you're saying Jazzy, but coming out is for me, not them. If I waited for the right time for them then I would probably never come out.

[AwesomeDanny]

Posted: 12/25/09 at 1:08am

I also wish you luck. I'm also gay, but I've only come out on a Rent forum and a Next to Normal forum... and now here. I wish I could tell people I know, but being in eighth grade, I can't trust anyone and every guy seems to need to make it clear that they are straight by insulting gays at every opportunity.

TheaterFan4, I was wondering if setting the date New Year's was to make sure you didn't have regrets from this year/decade, but because it's starting something new, I think it would make more sense to wait for the actual new year to come. I agree not to come out on a special day because if it doesn't go well, it could make that day awkward for years to come. Maybe sometime around then. Of course, I'm not the most experienced person here.

[millie_dillmount]

Posted: 12/27/09 at 5:36am

Damn, does this mean I can't marry him now? :-P

[binau]

Posted: 12/27/09 at 6:36am

Damn.

But if it's any consolation it's not like we can marry him either .

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/27/09 at 8:51am

Before you make New Year's Eve the time, why don't you read this first?

What Phyllis said about holidays is important: Everyone is on edge, excited about the holiday, depressed about the holiday, distracted by the holiday. Everyone is involved in their own holiday drama. If you ask them to stop on focus on this important conversation on the holiday, you'll deprive yourself of 100% of their attention.

It's bound to go better on a less emotionally charged day, when your coiming out can be "wonderfully low-key," like Matt's.

Read the book.

Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers

Updated On: 12/27/09 at 08:51 AM