Hey everybody. Sorry to see things aren't much better than when I left this morning. So I am officially a wimp. I didn't say anything to my friend.
Did you have an ok time anyway?
Yea, it was fun. But my neck is spazzing out from the position I was in.
Why? Where were you sitting?
The fifth ring (the highest one) at the New York State Theater. The seats weren't even in rows, they were these singles seats and almost half the stage was cut off from our eyeline. We were leaning over the edge so we could see. We tried to move during intermission, but we ran into a mean usher, so we returned to the painful seats.
Too close?
Ouch. How high up is it?
VERY high. It was probably more enjoyable for me and my friend than other people since we're familiar with most of the dancers so we could tell who they were from far away.
Stuff that high scares me.
*shiver*
Something's wrong. It's not even that cold in here! *buries head in hands*
Do you still feel sick, or just cold?
Aww, I was in the last row at Carnegie Hall, which is like 6 floors. I sat down and got dizzy and thought it would be awful but it was for Lea Salonga's concert and being able to make her out but just hear everything was enough, and fortunately I wasn't that dizzy.
Not really sick. Just... crappy. I'm cold and shaky, and trying everything in my power not to just lay in bed and cry. My list of things I've screwed up is growing; and I'm beginning to think that some of the scars I've gotten on this break will never, ever go away. They threaten to become very permanent, and I'm trying so hard to fix them, but I can't do any of it right.
I don't know how to get myself out of this mess. I feel so... caged in, and like everywhere I turn is a total dead-end.
Anything we can do to make you feel better? We don't like you being so sad.
I don't know what to do. Now a misunderstanding-induced mistake on my part has one of the people who so consistently can make me feel better threatening to refuse communicating with me at all. She's already cut me off in all but one way, and my gut instinct is to keep trying, but I'm afraid of driving her away. I just want to fix what I did, and I'm so f*cked up that I can't even do that right.
And the worst part of it is that because my gut instinct is not to give up and throw things away, if she shuts out the last way I have to communicate with her, it's only a matter of time before something gets said in public, and it gets even worse, if it can't be dealt with privately. I dont' want it to come to that because it's not right, but... sigh.
I've broken so many relationships lately. If I break this one too... I can't. I have to fix it.
Maybe you'll feel better if you do give in and lay a bed and cry a bit and get some of it out?
Meh. I'm leaving soon for Newsical and feeling pretty apathetic, that's weird for me--not really excited. Well, maybe I'll feel better when I get there.
Maybe, but that's not going to fix any of the crap that's MAKING me want to do that. It's not going to make my friend talk to me, it's not going to make my brother talk to me. It's not going to make me have plans tomorrow night, or get my friends to stop drinking their brains away. It's not going to take back how many people I've hurt because I'm confused and bored and unhappy here.
I have to fix those things myself, and damn it, I'm trying -- but I can't do right by it.
You know what I would do? Go for a looong walk. The fresh air will do you good. Just get out of the house, and...walk. It doesn't matter where. You can't mull things over in the place that's causing you so much pain.
Not that I really know anything about your situation, but if this person/relationship is really that important to you, you shouldn't give up. Just keep trying as much as you can handle.
My parents might think that's weird...
But even still, that's not going to fix anything. I just want to be allowed to fix stuff. I don't know how to get that. I hate leaving things sour, and I hate not knowing what to do. Going for a walk isn't going to help me know whether I should try to be nice to my brother, or let him hold out this fight -- or whether I should keep trying to get my friend to understand that I made a mistake, or if I should just let her cool off and hope on everything I have that she'll change her mind.
Elphie has a point, I think getting out of the house would be a good idea. And true, crying won't fix anything, but...I dunno, if I have a lot of **** on my mind I don't feel wonderful after crying but I feel a teeny bit more functional, I dunno. At the very least w/ so much going on in your mind it's not necessary to add fighting crying to the list.
When do you go back? I have family stuff NYE and day but am free the next couple of days...if you wanna see the Producers or something or wanna go somewhere near you w/ me to help get you out of the house, lemme know.
Anyway, I hope everyone's day/night improves...somehow watching the end of Shrek 2 is making me smile...I'll be back later
Truthfully, I only feel better when things are better. Sobbing into my pillow is so temporary.
"I'm not much company, you'll find."
But thanks, wrq.
I know walking may not fix anything, but it will clear your head, and at least give you a release. Just tell your parents that they are right and you need to get out of the house. Honestly, when I'm angry or stressed or upset, I bolt out of the house and walk as fast as I can to nowhere and let my mind wander. It's amazing how lethargic(?) it is. I may not be the right thing for you, but it's worth a shot, if you are up for it.
Broadway Legend Joined: 5/7/04
A walk sounds really good right now, but it's too dark out. I miss being able to go on long bike rides. I used to do a five mile one every day when it was warm.
Now I just go to the mall and spend money I don't have. It's a bad way to deal.
Feel better, Emcee.
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