The Official Adam Pascal Love Thread, part three- Page 452

[insomniak]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:09pm

Did everyone stop posting on purpose when I showed up?

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:10pm

Nope. Here I am. I posted.

[ElphieDefiesGravity]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:10pm

I'm here.

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:12pm

Shall we attempt to talk about happy things? Or shall we continue venting and getting depressed?

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:14pm

"Now I just go to the mall and spend money I don't have. It's a bad way to deal."

I'm the same way. Whenever I get angry, I leave the house and spend money on stuff I don't need.

And Fantabulous, you're right... maybe just talking about happier things would help everyone here? Sometimes just getting your mind on something else makes the whole situation seem better.

[Marlene]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:15pm

Emcee stay strong. I can't say that much because I honestly don't really know you, but you've always seem to come across as someone who knows what she's got to do. Give it a little time maybe? Let everyone cool off at bit. Take a little breather yourself, and feel better.

Why is everyone going through a **** spell? Myself included--I'll refrain from bitching and moaning because I feel as if you all just need to unload your own burdens.

"Education is just hazing..."

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:16pm

My mom just spent a really long time cooking, and I couldn't eat it. I feel terrible that I did that to her, but I can't eat.

I hate those temporary fixes, though. They don't DO anything. I'm guilty of them, but they don't fix anything. I shop like crazy when I'm upset.

Thanks, nia, I guess. I'm trying, I swear. It's hard to fake it; my mom knows something is up. I don't know how to fake things as well as I wish I did.

Updated On: 12/30/05 at 07:16 PM

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:18pm

When things aren't going well and I come to this thread, it usually makes me feel better or get my mind away from other stuff. But now it seems like the entire thread is in a funk. That's not good

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:20pm

Me too, Fantabulous.

But now that's not even working. Not to knock you guys, it's my fault.

[Billboard Girl]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:22pm

*hugs everyone in need of a hug*

So, I had a rather bad fight with my mother that culminated in me accidentally b**ch-slapping her (I just meant to sort of wave my hand at her to say "ENOUGH. Stop yelling at me!" but ended up actually hitting her sunburned arm pretty hard), and I'm afraid of how much she's going to hold this against me and throw it back at me when we get home tomorrow. The fight was about an issue we tend to argue over pretty often, so I'm sure it will come up again sooner than I can deal with.

""Now I just go to the mall and spend money I don't have. It's a bad way to deal."

I'm the same way. Whenever I get angry, I leave the house and spend money on stuff I don't need. "

I'm like that too. On some level, you could even say I'm doing that right now, since I have to pay per minute for Internet access.

Updated On: 12/30/05 at 07:22 PM

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:30pm

Looks like you could use a hug, too.

I hate myself. This isn't how I should be going into a new year with people who are important to me -- with my family, or one of my closest friends. Damn it.

At least my family is probably willing to let me make up to them what I did, and to fix things -- my mom and I are ok for now, though. I just don't. know. what. to. do. Not being *allowed* to fix my mistake.

Updated On: 12/30/05 at 07:30 PM

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:37pm

Can we just have a group hug?

We've all had such a ****ty day.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:41pm

It's stuff like this that gives me reason to want not ever to have friendships get ruined:

https://forum.broadwayworld.com/readmessage.cfm?thread=881027&boardname=off&dt=123005073949

I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost and trapped, and I can't find a way out -- I don't know what's best, or what's right, or what I'm supposed to do. I hate this feeling. I once had a fight that actually made me physically ill -- this one has stakes just as high, and I feel like I might do that to myself again. I can't handle things like this. I don't know what to do.

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:52pm

I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better, but if you need to talk stuff out or whatever, feel free to IM me.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 7:56pm

In the sense of the complexity of the situation alone -- on top of many other things -- it wouldn't be right to go into specifics. Truthfully, it's wound itself so tight that I have trouble explaining the specifics anymore; I don't try to explain them to other people, but I often have to re-cap them in my head, and I just can't. It's really, really complicated.

Last time we fought, it was okay at my friend's suggestion to just chalk it up to a misunderstanding and move on. I suggested that we call it a truce and move on, but... she says no.

I just wish she would stop ignoring me; I've apologized and explained myself like a million times, but I'm really hurt by the way she's acting.

One thing that's calming is the knowledge that when we fight, it always does work out eventually -- one of us always does end up coming around, but I'm scared by how much she seems not to care, or not to be interested. If she truly cuts me off, there's no way to make her come around, so it's not as calming as it should be. I'm afraid of her sticking to her word -- but there's no way for me to get her not to.

I know you guys can't fix this, and neither can further venting, but... it's just the only thing I can think of. I want so badly to fix this.

I feel really sick because I'm so afraid that she'll stick to her threats. And I'm afraid my mom's going to come in and see me crying.

Updated On: 12/30/05 at 07:56 PM

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 8:10pm

Is your friend one to put up a facade? Perhaps she doesn't want to appear like she cares. And although we can't really fix any of this, as you said, we're all here listening. So feel free to continue the venting. We're your ventilators. heh.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 8:11pm

Elphie, I sent you a PM -- hopefully I caught you before you left!

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 8:14pm

Fantabulous, I'm not sure if she's pretending not to care; more likely is that she's mad, so she doesn't care at the moment, because our friendship is too strong for either of us to just up stop caring, IMO. I think that sometimes she does hide how she feels, but I don't know if it's in defense, or what. A few things have made me wonder if she's pretending *to* care, but... ugh, I have no idea.

I know that she does care, though. I think I know that, anyway. That's sort of what keeps me from going totally insane; knowing that this is a friendship we're both pretty dependent on.

My hair is still driving me crazy. At least I won't have a lot to tie back if I start throwing up. :-/

I think all I can do now is play nice in public, in hopes of not making things worse, even though I very desperately want to directly by name be like "please talk to me," -- I don't want to further air dirty laundry in a way that will alienate her -- and hope that she won't cut off our last form of private communication. My head spins with hypotheticals, which makes in hard. If I'm nice publicly, I'm afraid she'll think I'm being curt and pretending, or will go "ok, I guess SHE doesn't care either!" But the more I think about it, the more I think it best to just try to be nice, and hope that we'll ease back into things if we're both nice to each other in public -- though my usual philosophy is that if I know someone doesn't want to talk to me, it's very difficult for me to be nice when I'm so upset with someone. I'm afraid that we can't just ease back in, because maybe at this point she's too proud to just be like "ok, let's move on." I don't know if she'll think I'm being fake by being nice, or if she'll see that I'm sincerely struggling and trying to do the right thing, and to get her to talk to me. Maybe if I'm nice, she will, but in the back of my mind is the fear that because my public tone is nicer than my private tone, I'm being fake. There are things that need to be worked out privately, but that tone is more desperate than it is angry. Dealing with it privately is best for everybody, and I think that deep down I know she probably doesn't *really* want to end the friendship, but I don't know that I'd put past her ignoring me for a while -- it's hard not to be afraid that she'll stick to her threat this time. She can be stubborn, and even though I think I know something for sure, in the back of my mind, it's hard not to be overcome by the fear that I might lose her friendship. Since this time I don't KNOW whether she's truly doing as she says, and if she truly wants as she says, or if this is just a facade, it's hard for me to sit by and just wonder what's going to happen to us. I think I know her well enough to logically assume that things will work out, but emotionally, I'm not logical I'm scared... that she'll give up on us, or that I'll be left without any options.

I'm not angry anymore -- I'm sort of desperately sad. I want to try to be calm about this, but I still don't know what the right way to handle this is, and that makes it hard for me to relax and assume it'll be okay. I don't want it to take a week to fix -- tomorrow's the start of a new year, and it'll be upsetting enough without having to worry that I've lost one of my best friends. That's not how it should be, and I hope on everything that she knows how much she means to me. The distance is long, but it would've been nice to talk to her tomorrow, since my time is running out for making plans.

Sorry this is so long... and rambly. I guess maybe I'm hoping for advice... or thinking out loud... or I don't know. I think maybe I should try to calm down, because I know I've done everything in my power, and to stop second-guessing myself, and have faith in my friend, in the strength in what we've built together, and in how much value it holds.

Sorry guys.
[You know who you are; I love you, and I didn't mean to hurt you. It was a misunderstanding -- you know I'm over all of that stuff. I promise. I was upset and scared, and I misread you and wrongly jumped to conclusions because of that. I'm sorry; hopefully you'll see that, should you read all of these ramblings. Please forgive me.]

I definitely killed the thread; I swear I'll be less morbid. We can talk about something else...

Updated On: 12/30/05 at 08:14 PM

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 9:53pm

I'm resuscitating the thread, hopefully with some happy thoughts. Anyone around?

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 9:59pm

I'm having trouble thinking of anything but poofy blonde hair when I see Anne Hathaway, even though The Princess Diaries is one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies ever. I'm glad it's on TV tonight.

*perks up some*

[wickedrentq]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 10:00pm

Well...I really wouldn't be adding to happiness but...

as I got closer, I started feeling worse, and then I knew I had to come home. I feel awful, I think I have a virus. Kinda sitting here waiting to throw up or something, barely able to read BWW b/c it gives me headache/dizziness. Guess this explains my napathy and cramps today.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 10:02pm

uh oh. Go get some rest. I hope you feel better.

[Fantabulous428]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 10:06pm

Feel better!

Posted: 12/30/05 at 10:14pm

I'm still hanging around (watching the Best of Will Ferrell on DVD). I've been really hesitant to say anything as I don't want to pretend to know exactly the extent of everyone's problems and also think perseverating over problems can just make everyone involved even more miserable. I didn't want to bring up a seemingly random topic and sound unsympathetic, either.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 12/30/05 at 10:20pm

Like I said, I'm going to try to calm down, just knowing that I've done everything in my power, and I'm going to have to trust how strong I know this friendship is. The real, true, strong ones are those that hurt the most. I admitted my mistake, and I think that all I can do is hope to be forgiven for it. I'm trying not to get sick over this, and holding on to logic and hope is all I can think of to do that. I can't pretend like everything is ok, but it hurts far too much to think that it won't be ok soon. And my family might be mad, but they aren't going to abandon me, so it'll get better.

I feel badly for bringing everybody down.

Updated On: 12/30/05 at 10:20 PM