The Thread For Those Who Feel The Need To Share All of Their Banal Details — Page 112

Is this still the banal thread or has it been infiltrated by Rent Hoopla?

Buds? We don't have those here. What are they?

I have tons of stuff that has to go back to the library, but I can't return it until I can stop fooling myself into believing that I'm actually going to finish The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I want to read it, but I don't have time... and I've had so many other more interesting books.

Oh, tell me about it. Those little candy bars are so deceptive. You think you're not eating that much chocolate, then you count the wrappers and realize it's equivicoble (sp?) to a whole bar.

*wanders off to get chocolate and do homework*

I have class in 40 minutes and I still didn't go to the library. Maybe I'll just go later...

I'm running low on chocolate.

Randomly banal: my wireless internet is not working.

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I hate MegaUpload.

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It freezes really easily lately.

I am honestly too tired to move. I feel like my head is just going to fall onto my desk!

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Em, take a nap!

Somtimes MU doesn't work on my computer, and that's sad.

Naps throw me off. I love them while I'm taking them, but then I feel really groggy when I wake up, and it's just not worth it. I'll just go to sleep early tonight.

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Speaking of libraries (and this is really banal, mind you), the libraries at the College of William and Mary have stackable shelves that you adjust mechanically, and my friend who goes there is always terrified that someone will come along and try to open another aisle and close the one she's in. She wrote a really amusing story for a creative writing class where a girl died by being crushed between the shelves.

Ours have these weird timers. I have yet to find out what happens when they hit zero - I don't think I want to know.

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Oh. Well, that's not too scary.

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Why would you hang out at a library? You can't talk.

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Okay, one of those times I think it's important to tell my story to try to put things into perspective, and realize how individual all of our lives are.

I've certainly been very fortunate and had many amazing Broadway experiences. But...it didn't happen out of nowhere. I didn't wake up deciding I'm gonna start going to shows/events all the time.

It started really around the time I joined BWW, which also wasn't random. I had begun my freshman year at college in DC. For 6 weeks, I loved it! I was doing great, as my normal overachieving self expects, made great friends, and it was awesome. And then...I really don't know what happened...looking back there were signs that I was just pushing myself too hard that I guess I was ignoring, but something snapped, and I became consumed with anxiety. I wasn't gonna finish all my papers, or do well on my tests, and everything I wrote was crap. I couldn't sleep. I ended up screaming in the shower. I finally ended up in the psych ward of the University Hospital. I kept fighting it, but eventually I had to go home.

When I went home, taken out of the situation when there was nothing to be anxious about, the anxiety all turned into depression. Extreme depression. Mornings were the hardest, I would wake up and cried for 2 hours. I constantly needed someone to hug me. I was a shadow of my former self, so...dead. Just fighting to wake myself up every morning.

I joined BWW like...the 4th day I was home, finding news of the Rent movie, which was the first time I was happy at all since being home. It still took months for me to feel better, I don't think it was till January when my sister took me to California that I felt a little happy. Even after, I would have good days and bad days, hopelessly crying once or twice a week. But medication was helping me, and I was in thereapy that helped. But looking back there really is one thing that got me through that difficult time:

Broadway. I was out of school the rest of the year; I just couldn't go back. All of my friends were away at school. But I began making friends on here...I'd see shows with them and stuff, and suddenly I was socializing again--suddenly I had reason to wake up in the morning. I would come home some nights after an amazing day...getting my first hug from an actor, going backstage, soo excited, and my mom would cry at my happiness...I in my state laughed at her, but I understood why she was doing it. The transformation I was making was fantastic.

Broadway actually served as therapy--not just to make me happy, have fun, but to make me realize that I had been working, caring too much. That I needed to have this kind of fun in my life, and couldn't let myself get overwhelmed with work or overconsumed with grades.

I started with a July class in my community college. I was much better, but still cried hysterically the night before out of fear, as I did beginning the semester. Even though I'm doing fine and am totally back on track, when I was filling out my transfer application to New School, I kept pausing and had to like fight myself to do it, as I'm still fearful about the whole thing.

It was an extremely difficult situation, one I would wish on no one. At this point am I glad it happened? Yes. But it was a long time coming. Oh, not to mention a week after I came home my dog of 10 years died, and a month later, my best friend's brother died, so suddenly I had to put aside all my mental weaknesses to be there for her. I swear I had never been happier on a New Year's, just for the year to be over.

But I've changed/learned so much from it, made some great friends, and yes had some amazing Broadway experiences. So Broadway served it course right? Helped me through my rough time, and now I'm good to know?

Wrong. In late September...the day of the friggin flea market/Hurricane Katrina concert...damn I was soo excited...my dad proceeds to tell my mom if he doesn't leave us he's gonna shrivel up and die. A month before, they celebrated their 30th Anniversary.

Great, I just survived a horrible year, and now I'm dealt this hand. To make matters worse, despite that, it took him 5 ****in months to move out! Things changed a lot--I realized he...had his own breakdown, told a lot of lies, kind of...compromised me, or treated me not as important as he once did...it was nice that my psych book confirmed he dissociated, but basically...the loving father I once knew was dead, and I still want nothing to do with this man. But I had to live with him. And not say a word to him. Worst, I was trapped. I couldn't...you know...deal with it. I couldn't start crying hysterically at the "death" of my father with him in the next room. So what did I do?

I escaped into NYC/Broadway once again, for even better experiences. This time I desperately needed to get away from the house, to keep my mind off it, and once again Broadway helped me to do that.

In my case, these experiences have been amazing, but they did come at a price, and a reason. I'm not saying everyone should feel bad for me etc, we all have our issues, but...I guess just kind of a reminder that nothing here is all fun and games, it's not like my life was always wonderful and I have all this money and all I do is experience happiness and go to these events. Again, not that anyone is accusing me or anyone of it. I dunno, when people are upset like last night they couldn't go, I just...well, like to provide some perspective.

One more important thing to add. Yesterday especially there were some sentiments about how ridiculous it is that going to this would be THAT important to me/others? Well, as you can see, Broadway was/is THAT important to me. Honestly, I needed to go to shows and events and stuff...for my mental health. People say you know wow you must really have issues if you spend that much money on one night, or see shows over and over. Well yes. I had a lot of issues. Is that so wrong?

All of our lives are so unique and individual...it's normal to be a little jealous, and part of this is trying to show...don't be THAT jealous :-P But especially for anyone who judges a person by what they do, or what's important to them. You can't make these judgements until you've walked in someone else's shoes.

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