The suicide of a therapist/gay self-help guru- Page 2

[Jane2]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 10:04am

Thanks Pal Joey and Namo.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 10:07am

That's the part that curdles the contents of my belly. Could his practice have consisted of helping figure out that mathematical equations one has to master in order to decide if it's appropriate to take off his shirt? Did he tell people it's their own fault when they feel negatively about themselves because they should never have taken their shirt off around younger people and therefore the younger people are probably saying mean things about them? Did he tell his clients they were terrified of aging even if they weren't?

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 10:25am

I really hope this story saturates the gay community. The image this guy pushed was one to which I never related, but felt the gay community continually tried to hard-sell to me at every turn. From the bars and clubs, to the street markets, to pride parades, to nearly every article and print ad in most magazines, websites, and weekly publications. And it was never what I wanted, but I felt like the gay community was demanding it of me. The gyrating gym clones shirtless in bars, shirtless at circuit parties, shirtless on cruises, tanned and waxed and sporting tatts that were all variations on the same theme. None of it was anything I aspired to be, but like the A&F/H&M/MTV marketing mentality, there was a sense that this look and lifestyle not only should be my goal, it should define an entire social group (because there needs to be a single iconic model for all gays which makes them easier to spot, easier to understand, and easier to market). But what about the rest of us who simply aren't interested (and never were)? And are now over 40? I've a feeling we're the ones who should be writing those books. I'm starting over at 42 and it's not easy and it's been a struggle, but at least it's based on ME and who I am and EVERYTHING that entails, not a two-dimensional Aussie Bum ad.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 10:41am

Of course, the phenomenon you describe is a product of capitalism and not anything particular to the gay community. We can thank The Advocate circa the late-'60s for propagating the notion that ALL gays are men, in their 20s, have disposable income and are all highly educated, take expensive vacations and have no children. And are white. In their effort to create a niche market, they created the same sort of dull aspirational ideals that the rest of the culture buckles under.

Fortunately, it only takes a little creative digging to find the great alternative gay universe out there.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 10:44am

The bear community is on the shirtless band wagon, too. And I say, Woof!

[Kad]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 11:00am

That is such an unusual article. The dismissive way that his sizable income was treated, everything.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 11:11am

I would like to point out that the time of the gym body clone has blessedly passed us by. I, too, find myself starting over at 37. Though, to be fair, I ain't even close to starting. I'm perfectly happy to have casual sex and NOTHING ELSE right now. Being back in the single world and actually going out, it's pretty refreshing to see the melange of body types, colors and such of the men who are out and about. It's very, very different from when I moved to NYC in '96. Ugh...the 90's.

[Kad]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 12:23pm

As a young gay man, in his early 20s, I don't see very many gym-obsessives in my age range. Or, at least not in my crowd. They do certainly exist.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 12:27pm

Kad, they're the straight guys who haven't come out yet.

[Calvin]

Posted: 4/3/12 at 12:45pm

In my experience, the gym-obsessives aren't usually in their 20s, at least not their early 20s. It's more the guys in their late 20s or 30s who never really had to go to the gym to keep their body in their 20s suddenly start to see the effects of a shifting metabolism, more sedentary lifestyle because of the career or a few years of heavy partying. They notice a slight paunch or droop here and there, freak out and become gym bulemics. Not that it's a bad thing to want to stay in shape. But thinking you're going to get fat or your muscles are going to atrophy becuase you missed a day or two at the gym (yes, I've actually heard people say this) is not exactly a healthy mindset.

[Tom1071]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 12:34pm

I am certainly no expert on human behavior but I have always found something inauthentic about people who are "relentlessly cheerful" as Bob Bergeron was described in that article. I often think that they are using the appearance of always being happy to mask some real emotional trauma. I don't think it's an absolute for all people who have a cheerful disposition. Just people that make being happy look like work.

I imagine that Bob Bergeron probably had an extremely lonely existence. The kind where you are always surrounded by people but you're still very much alone. He probably had a lot of acquaintances and few real friends. You know everyone and no one at the same time. Perhaps the few real friends he had weren't or didn't feel equipped to offer him advise and didn't know he needed any because of his "relentlessly cheerful" exterior and he probably didn't know how to ask for it. When you're supposedly "an expert" on something, who do you talk to when the what you're supposed to be an expert on is the very thing that you are struggling with?

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 12:37pm

Dear Abby.

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 12:38pm

"Doctor" Laura

[Bettyboy72]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 1:22pm

"He was a licensed clinical social worker. He's required to have clinical supervision of his own to deal with his professional and personal issues."

I'm an LCSW. There are no such requirements in NYS. You don't even need CEUs in NYS. So he was not supervised and was unethical in his boundary violations. He could have lost his license if someone reported him.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 2:17pm

Thanks for the clarification, Bettyboy. I hope you know that, even when we disagree on shows or performers, I always think that you're probably a terrific therapist.

I just looked at Bergeron's website again. Looking at his pictures--and these are on his professional website, not even on his personal Facebook profile--I don't think the issue needs to be "At what age should gay men stop taking their shirts off" as much as it should be "At what age should gay men stop wearing t-shirts that are two sizes too small?"

[Unknown User]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 2:26pm

I'll answer that: 16 months. That is the last time that "too small, showing peeps of tummy" look is actually cute.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 2:29pm

I think it's, "At what age should gay men learn critical thinking skills including figuring out what makes you comfortable and happy and not give a fudge about how to change yourself so you won't be judged too harshly by others whose opinions have no bearing on you"?

[Tom1071]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 2:54pm

Just curious Bettyboy, but is there an ethical standard degree of separation that a therapist should have from a patient or is it a judgment call based on you and your patient's personal comfort level provided that you have no direct personal relationship?

Updated On: 4/4/12 at 02:54 PM

[ErikJ972]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 3:15pm

From the NASW Code of Ethics:

"1.09 Sexual Relationships

(a) Social workers should under no circumstances engage in sexual activities or sexual contact with current clients, whether such contact is consensual or forced.

(b) Social workers should not engage in sexual activities or sexual contact with clients’ relatives or other individuals with whom clients maintain a close personal relationship when there is a risk of exploitation or potential harm to the client. Sexual activity or sexual contact with clients’ relatives or other individuals with whom clients maintain a personal relationship has the potential to be harmful to the client and may make it difficult for the social worker and client to maintain appropriate professional boundaries. Social workers—not their clients, their clients’ relatives, or other individuals with whom the client maintains a personal relationship—assume the full burden for setting clear, appropriate, and culturally sensitive boundaries.

(c) Social workers should not engage in sexual activities or sexual contact with former clients because of the potential for harm to the client. If social workers engage in conduct contrary to this prohibition or claim that an exception to this prohibition is warranted because of extraordinary circumstances, it is social workers—not their clients—who assume the full burden of demonstrating that the former client has not been exploited, coerced, or manipulated, intentionally or unintentionally.

(d) Social workers should not provide clinical services to individuals with whom they have had a prior sexual relationship. Providing clinical services to a former sexual partner has the potential to be harmful to the individual and is likely to make it difficult for the social worker and individual to maintain appropriate professional boundaries."


NASW Code of Ethics

[Bettyboy72]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 3:20pm

PJ- I think you and I agree on far more than we disagree on. :)

Tom, the NASW Code of Ethics does not allow for dual relationships-meaning NOT having an additonal relationship outside the therapeutic one. If you have a client, they will always be your client. There is no amount of time that woud make it ok for you to begin a romantic or sexual relationship with them. You also can't hire them to paint your house or cater your party. The therapist has the power and needs to be healthy.

Also, the opposite is true. You don't take on clients that you know from another area. It's just not ethical and in all honesty, what practitioner would want that? I'd never want to work with my best friend's sister or someone I met at the gym.

That being said there are many therapists with slippery boundaries who violate that ethical code all the time. Especially in LA, where celebrity clients go out in public with their clients, etc.

I was just watching Bethenny Frankel going on a boat trip with her therapist to strengthen her relationship with her husband. Again, just weird. Celebrity therapists are an odd lot.

Also in watching the late therapist's videos he is trying to teach men to be sex objects and sexually objectified later in life. I think that is an unhealthy goal. Everyone should feel SEXUAL and VITAL and care for themselves, but to seek objectification at an older age actually negates some basic developmental tasks of moving into the third act of your life. It sets people up for heartache and desperation. Which might be why this poor man took his own life.

Sexuality in the twilight years can and is a wonderful thing. Places like The Body Electric School and the New School for Eroticism teach that you can be sensual and sexual and not have to look like a circuit boy.

[DottieD'Luscia]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 3:32pm

All this has made me wonder, how many people/clients bought into what he was selling.

[Bettyboy72]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 3:39pm

I don't know how many people bought his gospel, but I imagine many of them were fragile or deluded themselves. To choose a therapist who is extolling vanity above all else would gravitate like minded unhealthy people. He could easily wound people emotionally with his way of thinking.

Also, even though he was preselling his book on amazon, I don't believe it ever found a publisher. The articles on him said his magnum opus was considered outdated and trite-another reason he was depressed.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 3:58pm

I think he was worried that it was outdated because he wrote about online hookups and somehow couldn't figure out how to do a search and replace on his manuscript to change it to "cellphone app hookups via GRINDR and SCRUFF, etc.". I believe he did have an indie publishing house about to put it out in a situation where he got a small amount of money and he would be responsible for promotion.

I think that's what the seminars we see excerpted on his blog were all about, drumming up interest and sales in the book (and probably his practice). I am very curious about the people we can see listening to him in those clips. How many people showed up for the seminars? Were they allowed to ask questions? Certainly, if they were, there had to be at least ONE person in the room with enough sense of self to point out that his steps and plans were all about how to best conform to external ideals and not about how to tap into your own inner strength and beauty in order to develop self-esteem and confidence enough to healthily make your way through the world?

I have to believe he got some insightful questions and that was the experience that made him realize his book would not stand up to scrutiny. And yes, since it seems his only reference point for the "facts" he spouts about the gay community seemed to come from his practice, I would say it is likely he did some harm along the way, unless his clients felt validated by a therapist obsessed with being desirable.

[EricMontreal22]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 4:03pm

Betty, apparently his book DID find a publisher but then they decided not to release it. I did find it amusing that he decided that his chapter on online dating (or more appropriately online cruising) was already out of date, kinda funny though...

I admit, what really upsets me about all this, aside from the obvious tragedy, is that he was a practicing therapist, of any kind. In my fairly detailed history with shrinks as a teenager, and working at a youth counselling center, I don't think medical credentials really play a part at how good a shrink is--certainly the psychiatrists who did have their phds (*in my experience*) largely wanted to medicate more than anything else, so I had better experience with psychotherapists.

But his practice and book (which I would almost be curious to read if they had decided to publish it, for some perverse reason) reeks to me of almost the equivalent of watching an hour of Dr Phil, except even less effective. I think there are instances where treating the patient's issues from the outside in, as described in that article, can genuinely work. Sometimes you can talk and talk and talk about your past patterns, childhood, etc, and understand them, but still have trouble changing the behaviour. But having read a good dozen of his website entries, I don't even see him doing that.

This might be a generation thing among gat men--certainly, now that I'm in my early thirties, *in general* I see the younger gay guys who come out have an easier time of it (obviously this is still unfortunately not the experience many have, but...) And I have as many "older" friends as I do my age or younger who seem to have a fairly healthy view on their life. But (again--I'm expecting a backlash to this post, so wanna be clear that this is just in my experience), more and more it seems like the guys I do see at clubs, or my few experiences at circuit parties, who run in and immediately rip off their shirts are older guys who don't seem to have ever grown up from being teenagers.

Taking the most discussed post of his on here, the tshirt issue--I admit, I have friends who take theirs off when we go dancing, but I never have (though sometimes I sweat so much dancing that I probably should if I had less false modesty). That's not really the issue. It's the fact that he thinks it IS such an issue, one to be analyzed at such length, that I just find... baffling.

Yeah to feel confident and, well sexy, is important I think. But his take seems to be that first you work on that physical aspect and then the mental stuff will follow through. It's like some severe gay version of weight center ads that advertise how losing weight will make someone happy. The physical is important, but obviously (as he proved in a sad way), you can talk the talk as much as you want about age not being an issue, etc, but it won't make you be any more ocntent in the long run. (not to mention that I have a tendency to date and be attracted to older guys, and frankly, looks or not, if I met someone like him in a club or wherever he meets people, I'd be pretty turned off).

This isn't really fair, and probably not even relevant, but reading the way he writes somehow reminds me of some (usually slightly aging) porn stars who go on about how much confidence and love they get from their career and how much from it they could teach others, not sure why...

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/4/12 at 4:33pm

I think he kind of proves that this shirt taking off thing is an older gay guy issue, at least in his circle, and he personally thinks it's sooooo important that he will give you a formula to figure out if you "should" take your shirt off or if you should leave the venue entirely even if, as he says over and over again, that you have "worked your ass off" and your body is at a height of physical perfection that surpasses what you looked like in your 20s.

"The physical is important, but obviously (as he proved in a sad way), you can talk the talk as much as you want about age not being an issue, etc, but it won't make you be any more ocntent in the long run."

I might guess that a lightbulb went off over his head (maybe because somebody asked an apt question about his philosophy at a seminar; maybe he sought somebody's honest opinion of the book pre-publication and he actually got one that was about more than him looking "great" on the cover for his age) and he realized that the book's entire point of view was misguided. Since he seemed to be an obsessive type, I could imagine he might have gone over and over his mistake until he realized that not only was his book wrong-headed, but that he had prioritized all the wrong things in his life and advised others to do the same. That kind of thing could drive a person crazy and a crazy person over the edge.