In the first grade, it started. I got teased and I don't know why. They made up silly things, but as I was promoted to each grade above, they got worse.
In 1st grade, it was "Nose-picker! Stupid! Dumby-head!"
2nd grade: "Big ears! Retard!"
3rd grade: "Eeew, go away! You have cooties!"
4th grade: "Gaywad! Ugly retarded boy! Homo!"
Now I was not and still am not gay. I have no clue where gaywad and nose-picker and retarded came from. In fact, I didn't even know really what any of these words meant. I just knew these were insults.
I would go home crying every day from school. It got to the point where I had to switch schools, so I did when it came time for the 5th grade.
Now the 5th grade is a big deal. Its the first time you feel like an adult, as your the highest grade in the school.
New school - this time it would be different. This time I will have friends and be liked!
WRONG. The insults got worse.
"You gay fruit! Stay away from me!" And other names. And it got to the next level. On the bus people would throw things at me. Shout across the bus and call me names and taunt me and make fun of me. I could never get a seat because no one wanted to sit with me. It even got to the point where I had to sit on the floor a few times.
My parents couldn't stand it anymore. They set up conferences between me, the bully kids, and the school counselor. The first time - I was scared stiff. I thought they were going to beat me up. The counselor suggested a compromise, we just leave each other alone. I quickly agreed, as did they, but it didn't stop. Just got worse.
Winter time came, I would get tripped on the ice. Have snow be thrown at me. Threats that they were gonna beat me up. "You wanna fight, fruit cup?"
5th grade was the worst of my school years - ever. For field trips, I was in a group all alone with my dad, except for one where I was with the teacher and a couple other students.
One time in music class, the teacher left the room. The taunting began. The seating in the room is V-shaped, so I had kids all around me calling me names. I felt like the room was spinning and every single kid in the class was laughing and calling me the ugliest words. I couldn't take it! As soon as I started to tear up, I sprang out of the room. My teacher and the other teacher were just outside talking, and my teacher at first shouted "What are you doing - get back..." but then he saw my face and asked what was wrong. I told him the things they were saying to me, and he told me to wait in the hall until he got me. He went into the room, and I could hear him shouting at them. I couldn't tell what he was saying, but he was really mad. Finally he got me, and I came in with my head down - supremely embarassed. As I came in, everyone was saying "Sorry." Some meant it - others were just mad they got yelled at.
Before this incident, there was another harsh one. The worst of the bullies left to go to the bathroom. Few minutes later, I was asked to bring a note to the office. I went down the hall, and I heard voices from around the corner. It was the bully, talking to someone I hadn't seen before. Before I turned the corner, I heard "there's this kid in our class and he's really gay. Don't go near him!" then I turned the corner, and they both saw me, and as I continued down the hall, I heard "that's him! He's the gay one!"
I was also asked out for the first time in the 5th grade - and by a REALLY pretty girl. I didn't know her, because she was in a different class. However, because of my fear of everyone, I was timid. I asked my parents if it was OK, and they said "No, you're too young." So I told her no, she looked upset, and ran away.
This post is already long, and it is about to get longer. Now time for middle school.
6th grade. Totally different. In many different classes with different teachers. I finally got some friends - a tiny group, but at least I had some. No one really would interact with me. People still said bad things about me, but hardly ever to my face. No real name-calling.
In the 6th grade, I joined Stage Crew, mainly because I wanted to get out of classes so I wouldn't be around the other kids. THIS INTRODUCED ME TO THEATRE!
At first, I didn't like it much. Just had to set up a thousand folding chairs in rows for assemblies and such. But then it came time for our school musical - BYE BYE BIRDIE. I LOVED the show! I didn't really know what theatre was until I saw this production. I never wanted it to end!
7th grade, same thing. Our musical was ANNIE.
Now in the 8th grade, something happened that changed my life. I just was teased and talked about and had the same small group of friends (7, including me). This time, our school musical was PETER PAN!
I had seen the Mary Martin video, since my dad bought it when he bought the Disney Peter Pan on video (he likes MOVIE musicals. Don't think he liked Peter Pan). Anyway, I became HOOKED on the show. Our actors flew! Our dancers danced in the aisles of the audience. Hook interacted with the audience! I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF THE ENTIRE EXPERIENCE!
Not only did this develop my life-long interest in theatre, but it also became the foundation for my love of PETER PAN.
In 9th grade, we moved, and I switched schools again. We didn't have a theatre program - just one class, no school play. Now I was REALLY the new kid. I wasn't teased really. I was more of an outcast. No one really socialized with me. The only name-calling I got were people calling me "quiet." WELL OF COURSE, I'M QUIET! I JUST WENT THROUGH 8 YEARS OF TORTURE!
9th grade I had nothing going for me. This was the year I got my first computer. Basically, the computer became my life. I lived just for my online world. This was also the year I discovered the Cathy Rigby PETER PAN DVD. I purchased it, and it renewed my love for the story. I then created a Peter Pan website for the Cathy Rigby production - because the A&E one was lousy.
10th grade I switched schools again. I won the lottery for a school of the arts. I finally found my real purpose in life - the theatre. I always thought I was going to be a stage crew person - but it was WAY different. The work was harder. It was no longer fun. Good thing I signed up for an acting class too. I found my calling (or did I? see College).
10th-12th grade my love for theatre, especially musicals, grew and grew. However, my high school career as an actor was unfortunate. I STARRED in a show - Bang Bang You're Dead as "Josh." But due to the lack of other students not wanting to do the production - we never performed. My big break - and I never got and audience. My hard work gone to waste. We did the show again the next year, this time I was the student director. I was in a lot of scene showcases. Finally, in my senior year, I was cast as Drake/Mr. Bundles in ANNIE. For the audition, it was the first time I sang in public. The director and music director's eyes widened. When I was finished, the music director said "YOU CAN SING!" I thought for sure I would be "Rooster." But I went to New York to see WICKED and AIDA the day of call-backs, so the best I could get was Drake/Bundles. Fine roles, but campy and hardly any singing. Unfortunate.
Lastly, I was cast as the Wicked Stepmother in COMMEDIA CINDERELLA. We toured to elementary schools. The budget was low, and due to costume/set/prop trouble, it didn't go as good as it could have.
College. Theatre major. I am friends with everyone - also I do not socialize as much as others. I don't go to parties. I don't really hang out. Essentially, I just don't know what to do or what to say. I have no lines. All these years of torment have scarred me for life.
Now, I am not sure what I want. I KNOW my calling is in the teatre - but as an actor, director, or theatre teacher? I will figure this out along the way. I'm now cast as Dill in TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, and I am using this as a test to see if I am really to be an actor. Do I enjoy it? Can I see myself doing this the rest of my life?
I guess I told my life story. But my life story IS that I was teased - I'm the outcast - I have no or little friends - I have no social life.
Do you know how many years I would sit on the couch and watch TV instead of being outside and playing with friends?
Have I ever considered suicide? Yes. 5th grade, I even told my parents that I wish I were dead. But no anymore - this is NOT the answer. For ANYONE considering it - think about this: If there is ONE person who will miss you on any level - just ONE - it is worth living. If you don't live for yourself, live for others. If you feel your life is worthless - put worth in it. Join a charity, help out others. Get focused on your career. Think of those that will miss you: parents, relatives, friends, classmates, teachers, audiences, etc. Suicide is NEVER EVER EVER the answer.
"If you don't like your life, CHANGE IT! You are your own master, there are no shackles on you."
--AIDA
Just sitting back and looking over everything I wrote - I realize this is the first time I have sat back and thought about my entire life. It brought back many sad, and some happy memories and flashbacks. I have blown my nose and wiped away the tears.
My life right now is worth EVERYTHING that happened to me. My life now IS the theatre. It is what I live for and although I may not be popular, I couldn't be happier. Again, if you ever have suicidal thoughts, if you're ever down on the ground and can't get up - just remember: life goes on. It will all be in the past. The future holds good fortune for you. Live for others and live for the future, and soon you will learn to live for yourself.
And now, my big finale:
BUT I'M HERE!
LOOK WHO'S HERE!
I'M
STILL HERE!!
"The Spectacle has, indeed, an emotional attraction of its own, but, of all the parts, it is the least artistic, and connected least with the art of poetry. For the power of Tragedy, we may be sure, is felt even apart from representation and actors. Besides, the production of spectacular effects depends more on the art of the stage machinist than on that of the poet."
--Aristotle