Family Guy Quotes

[Parks]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 10:43pm

What are some of your favorites?

"Women are such teases! That's why I went back to men..." "OK, Mom...thanks for that...uh, see you later..." "...go onnn..."

"Shh! That's Michael Moore!"

[Cruel_Sandwich]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 10:52pm

While I find Family Guy to be highly uneven and too cheap at times (American Dad is much better and more focused), it is frequently hilarious. My favorite:

"I know you're a feminist, Lois, And that's adorable! But now the grown-ups are talking..."

[WiCkEDrOcKS]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 10:54pm

Ugh so many.

Peter: Why do women have boobs?? So you can have something to look at when youre talking to them!
Woman: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter: Alright. Why do women have boobs?? So you can have something to look at when youre talking to them. (The woman is obviously offended but doesnt say anything) So you can have something to look at when youre talking to them. (Silence) So you can have something to look--(Cut to Peter being called into his boss' office)

Peter: Dont worry Lois I read a book on this sort of thing.
Brain: Are you sure it was a book. Are you sure it wasnt nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

[Aigoo]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 10:54pm

"Now Brian, if I were fat, could I do this?"

*Peter stuffs himself into a hulahoop*

"Mehehehehhehehehehehehehehehheheheheheh~"


Very recent, but funnnnnnny.

[Dirty Rotten Scoundrel]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 11:02pm

From the recent Family Guy Movie

I hope nobody takes offense to this lol.

Scientist: Welcome Back,Mr. Disney
Walt Disney: Are the Jews gone yet?
Scientist: Uh, no...
Walt Disney: Put me back!

I just found that hilarious..

also the episode with Paul Newmann and the apple, I don't know how to explain, just genius. Another one that I like a lot..


Stewie: You! Cut my milk!
Servant: But sir, it's impossible to cut milk...
Stewie: IMBOSILE! Freeze the milk and then cut it!

[ShbrtAlley44]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 11:08pm

Stewie: "Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!"

And my favorite... Peter hurts himself:

"Ahhh! *intake of breath* Ahhh! *intake of breath* Ahhh! *intake of breath*"

... continued for five minutes.
Updated On: 12/14/05 at 11:08 PM

[JACXR71]

Posted: 12/14/05 at 11:10pm

I'd list mine, but I'd probably end up quoting every episode...I'm laughing now just thinking about all of them

[Unknown User]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 12:22am

"I'm laughing now just thinking about all of them"

Me too, man....meee tooo....

And I'm so glad someone else remembered mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

A few faves to start us off:

Peter: Umm..well..I wasn't gonna say anything, but..you're gettin' kinda fat! Ehh heh heh hehhheh *nervous laughter*
Lois: I do my Jane Fonda exercise tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes??!
Peter: Geez, I thought you people were supposed to be happy!

Meg: Chris!! You're hoggin' up all the fan!!
Chris: Yeah, well..you're hoggin' up all the UGLY!

Stewie: I say, Lois! I've got a present for you! It's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster!

I'll be back with more later.

[Allie]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 12:58am

Stewie: It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks... I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'

Stewie (talking on Sesame Street phone): Put me through to the Pentagon!
Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched Mr. Hooper, I've got 6 armed men stationed out side Big Bird's nest, and well as for Linda, well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin approach now, isn't it?!
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Oh indeed I can! (Pulls out a raygun!) One! two! three! Can I count to three for God's sake?! I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level!

[new_philosophy_girl]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:04am

Umm...I'm a big fan of Blaccu-Weather forecaster Ollie Williams...classic take on Al Roker. I love it in the movie when he does the pet of the week..."YOU WANT THIS DOG?!"

My favorite scene would have to be this one though...
Peter: I'll just take the Peter Chopper ::hops into helicopter that looks like him and crashes it next door::
Joe: OH MY GOD PETER!!
Peter: Quick Joe, get back inside, the blades are still spinning.
Then later in the episode...
Peter: QUICK, to the Hinden Peter ::a zeppelin with Peter's face on it flies in the background and disappears, then an explosion occurs::
Joe: OH MY GOD PETER...HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS...


I know it was long and all that, but if you ask anyone who knows me...they know that's my quote!!

[DancNdaMoonlite]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:21am

"I'd list mine, but I'd probably end up quoting every episode...I'm laughing now just thinking about all of them"

[Rentaholic2]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:26am

Stewie to Brian (Stewie's started a pyramid scheme and Brian's his only employee...kindof an 'office space' relationship)

Stewie: (giving Brian a 'compliment sandwhich') ok, something good, something good, something good....You look like Snoopy, and that makes me smile.
Where you need improvement...you have smelly dog farts...

I don't know, it's really funnier than i made it sound.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:36am

hahaha 'smelly dog farts' totally made me crack up

that's right, i have a little schoolboy's sense of humour.

[lady godiva]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:44am

"Watch out for that 'beyond' section!!"

[Unknown User]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 3:25am

Peter: "Hey heyhey!! I can be just as non-competitive as anybody! As a matter of fact I'm the MOST non-competitive, so I WIN!!"

Stewie: "Somebody take him outside before he bends a fresh biscuit on the conveyor belt!"
-- when Brian peed in the supermarket

[Roninjoey]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 4:05am

I love it all. By the way, it's spelled imbecile. For future reference.


My favorite is Mayor Adam West.

Mayor Adam West: Say no more. I'll protect you, sir. It is my job. I only ask that you do not feed my cat Bootsy, as he's already eaten and might throw up.


Mayor Adam West: It's all right to go to sleep, my friend. I'll stand guard. Don't worry, I'll be here all night. Just don't try to make me smile. I'm forbidden to smile. Oh, no. That episode of Growing Pains when Mike's friend Boner ran for student council. [stifled laugh] Boner. [laughing] His name was... Boner. [giggling] [laughing] Bone... [guffawing] I've failed you.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 4:10am

hahaha -- oh my god, i've never even seen any of those!!

he's a creepy one, that mayor is. how 'bout that taffy-eating sequence? oh man.

[Musical_nerd]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 6:49am

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)

[renthead92]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 7:30am

The Black Knight: What's your fat a** doing here?
Guy on Fat Donkey: He's my only means of transportation, but I guess I do spoil him.

When Lois gets her modeling job-
Peter: Hunny I'm gonna pleasure myself with those pictures.
Chris: Me Too
Meg: Me too!
Peter: Oh Meg, eh. That's just wrong. Now Leave!
Later in the episode-
Peter: Meg, who let you back in the house? Back outside, now!

[Jon]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 9:42am

Stewie: (to the little girl who was his partner in a song-and-dance act, after she has told him she's quitting)

"I'm better off without you, Bebe No-Worth!"

[SorryGrateful]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 11:13am

All of these that are listed are great!!!

This is from the one where Peter is trying to help Chris lose weight:

"But Dad I don't like running! The sound of my thighs scraping together hurts my ears!"

[zaneyb3000]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 12:30pm

YES! Family Guy is terrific.

Favorite quotes...

Brian: That excuse is lamer than FDR's legs.
*Meg, Chris, and Peter gasp*
Brian: Too soon?
----
Peter: I'm a natural born athlete, just like Greg Luganis!
*cut to Peter sitting in an armchair*
Peter: Hi, this is Peter Griffin. I bet you're wondering where we're going to go with this one. Are we going to make an AIDS joke? Are we going to make a diving board head injury joke? Or are we going to make a joke about how his Greg's last name sounds suspiciously like anus. Well, we here at Family Guy are going to take the high road and make a no-body hair joke.
Brian: (walks out in a speedo and hairless) Hi, I'm Greg Luganis and I'm totally shaven.
Peter: Terrific, terrific

Chris: BOOBIES!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word... boobies.

I apologize for spelling errors.

Updated On: 12/15/05 at 12:30 PM

[renthead1223]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:39pm

Chris: I’m so hungry I could ride a horse... I don’t get it.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.

Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Incisor [Stewie’s first tooth]: I’m free! I claim this mouth in the name of incisor.
[second tooth pops out] Bicuspid: I think not!
Incisor: Aha! Bicuspid! We meet again! Have at it, then.
[they attempt to fight, but, being teeth, they cannot move so they give up]
Incisor: Shall we bite the tongue then?
Bicuspid: On three. One… two… three.
Stewie: OW!

Stole those from my own buddyprofile. There are so many more wonderful ones, though. Basically any time Stewie is talking about Lois. Actually, any time Stewie is talking.

[Di2]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:44pm

Try this link!

http://www.familyguyquotes.com/


Hilarious!

[Unknown User]

Posted: 12/15/05 at 1:47pm

Stewie:

"Forecast for tomorrow? A sprinkle of genius with a chance of DOOM!"

"You know Mother, as the first lady of American Theatre, Helen Hayes, once said, '...I'm going to KILL YOU!'"

*plucks banjo string*
"O0ohoho I feel so deliciously white trash!! Mummy!! I want a mullet!"

and from the same episode:
Peter: "Pie? Drunk?? THE???"