Raising Tween Girls, HELP!- Page 7

[justagirl2]

Posted: 10/25/06 at 12:00am

Updated On: 3/9/17 at 12:00 AM

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 12:26am

Why is C13 so selfish and lazy and C11 so nice and helpful?

They are in the same house and given the same benefits?

I know there is no answer,

Posted: 6/7/07 at 12:29am

Because one is a teenager and one is still a sweet and helpful "tween."

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 12:34am

SD, I guess that makes sense.



Updated On: 6/7/07 at 12:34 AM

[shira467]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 1:03am

I must agree with SD. She's a teenager. She won't want to do ANYTHING you want her to do for the next 5 years. Minimum.

[IAMWHATIAM]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 10:17am

brdlwyr,

Hi, I generally lurk and don't often post, and so we haven't spoken, but I know where you're coming from. I am the mother of 2 - a very "spirited" 15 year old daughter, who finishes her Freshman year of High School today at a NYC all girls private school (so you can probably imagine some of the issues we're dealing with), and a 10 year old son (who often thinks he's a 15 year old girl (but that's another story....) I generally don't believe in self-help books, but I suggest that you pick up a copy of a book entitled "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy: Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind" by Michael J. Bradley. I know that the title might sound pretty glib (I'll never again use that word without a shudder of embarassment thanks to Tom Cruise), but I found it interesting and helpful. I pasted a Publishers Weekly blurb about the book below, and some of the book is a bit extreme, but basically he discusses the science of the teenage brain, and how it's not fully formed, especially as it relates to many of the sophisticated issues that kids start dealing with as teens. He talks about mood swings, instability, inability to understand consequences and all sorts of other issues. I think for me, the greatest tool it has given me when dealing with my daughter (and my younger son as well), is that it has helped me to try to just stop and really think before I speak, and to remind myself that I'm not dealing with a "young" adult. They may start to look more adult, and take on some adult attributes, but "young" adult is an oxymoron - they're a whole different breed. The other thing that I have learned from talking to my daughter and her friends is that they really, really want you to listen to them. They're not always asking for your advice or your opinion, and they are often not open to hearing it (especially in the form of someting that feels like a lecture), but they really do want to know what you think. They do generally want you to help establish boundaries, and help them learn how to navigate their changing world, no matter how nasty they may get or how they try to push you away. So try to turn "one blind eye and one deaf ear" (it sound better in yiddish) at this time in their lives, because if you don't, well, what are you going to do - there's always someting to ecalate if you choose to. So I am regularly trying to find ways, and forums in which, to try to connect with them, keeping in mind that what worked one day may not work the next day (or even the next hour). As a final thought though, I can tell you, from watching my husband and daughter (and our friends and family, and my daughter's friends and their fathers) - if you're anything like most of them, pretty much everything you say or do will be wrong in the eyes of your daughter for quite some time. When I hear some of the things my husband says, things that he thinks are really funny (and may be funny in another context), I just cringe. Father's often do not know how to talk to teenage girls and they end up being terribly insensitive. You can't say and do things that you used to, and that's sad and hard to comprehend and internalize, but it has to happen. Of course mothers are notorious for saying horrible things to their daughters, but, again, that's a topic for another day. In full candor, I will end by admitting that I absolutely love being the mother of a teen, and really am enjoying these teenage years. Every day is a new adventure and you have a front row seat to one of the greatest shows on earth (and it's participatory). What could be better than that!



Publishers Weekly
Bradley, a psychologist drawing on current brain research, argues that teenagers are basically nuts. While 95 percent of the brain develops in early childhood, the most advanced parts aren't completed until adolescence is nearly over. As a result, teens can appear unstable, dysfunctional and unpredictable, with temporarily impaired judgment and decision-making processes. In addition, Bradley argues, contemporary culture further challenges teens' thinking capabilities; the prevalence of sex, drugs and violence makes the teen's job of cognitive balancing even more precarious. The good news is that parents do make a difference, and Bradley clearly explains how parents can encourage and guide their kids through these tumultuous years. Stressing that teens are still "children," Bradley encourages parents to respond like "dispassionate cops," teaching and remaining calm even when teens behave outrageously. While Bradley's prose which he admits might be shocking and offensive at times may be initially off-putting to some, the book is compelling, lively and realistic. Using crisp, believable anecdotes that are alternately poignant and hysterically funny (while avoiding generic examples, jargon or psychobabble), Bradley homes in on real-life scenarios, showing parents, for instance, how to respond when their teen is "raging," and how to set curfews and limits. Bradley draws a vivid picture of what the teen is going through, and gives parents the tools to tackle contemporary issues together. An invaluable parachute to parents diving into the teen years.

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 11:51am

Thanks so much for the info and response. I will look for the book. I have never really used resources, maybe I should have.

C13 did pick up a little of the slack last night with doing the dishes and also cleaned up her room.

[RobbO]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 11:53am

i think papalovesmambo might be able to give you some advice on how best to deal with tween girls.

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 11:57am

You truly are a pervert!

[RobbO]

Posted: 6/7/07 at 11:58am

tell your friends!