The One Minute Musical- Page 5
The One Minute Musical
re: The One Minute Musical#100
Posted: 1/7/05 at 9:28pmThank you Mary Ethel. You're stuff is fabulous, as well. Thank you for creating this thread. It keeps my mind working.
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/6/04
re: The One Minute Musical#101
Posted: 1/7/05 at 9:47pm
THE MUSIC MAN
Harold Hill: I'm a con man. I can fool anyone.
Marian: Not me, Mister. I'm a "know-it-all" Iowa Stubborn Librarian with a stick up my butt.
Harold Hill: What if I were to help your younger brother with a lisp overcome his shyness AND kiss you REAL hard?
Marian: Oh, sure! You do all that and I'll HELP you reel in these provincial bumpkins--I bet we can even get that harridan Mayor's Wife to join forces with us!
CURTAIN
re: The One Minute Musical#104
Posted: 1/8/05 at 12:49am
Sunday in the Park With George
George: WHITE
A blank page or...
Colour and Light.
Dot: You spend too much time painting. I'm pregnant and I love you, but I'm leaving for America with the butcher.
George: I don't care/yes I do/no I don't. Painting is all I care about.
(finishes painting)
Now I've finished the painting I can die.
(he dies)
George: Hi everyone. It's now Act Two and I'm the descendant of the George in Act One, except I don't believe that I am. My great grandfather George was really talented, but no one liked him or his paintings. I'm really popular, but I have no talent. But my life sucks, because I have to keep "putting it together."
Marie: I'm in the Painting. Dot was my mother. I'm old and I'm going to die.
(marie dies)
George: Oh my god. I never saw that coming. I'm sad. Now I can't make my crappy light machines.
Dot: I'm a ghost. I think you're my lover, but I'm your grandmother. I'd kiss you, but audiences in America aren't ready for that. But they are ready for big cheezy Musicals starring a gay couple that never even show affection *mutters**shakes fist*. Anyway, move on yada yada yada.
George: Oh, I knew my character had a purpose: It was so we could have a final reprise of that really pretty Sondheim song! I know I'm supposed to say something here. Dot why did you write these strange words in your diary?
Dot: They are YOUR words. You say them all the time.
George: I do? Oh well. Order...(lists off a bunch of the Principles of Art)
WHITE
CURTAIN
Updated On: 1/8/05 at 12:49 AM
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/6/04
re: The One Minute Musical#105
Posted: 1/8/05 at 1:38am
VICTOR / VICTORIA
Victoria: Oh, here I am, a singer from Britain stranded in Paris with nothing to eat. Wait, if I cut my hair REAL short and wear men's clothes, I could pass for a man!
Toddy: That's right--you'll be a woman impersonating a man impersonating a woman!
King: I love, I mean, I REALLY LOVE this Victor fella--it must mean I'm GAY!!!
Victoria: But I'm NOT a man!
King: Then I'm NOT Gay!
CURTAIN
re: The One Minute Musical#106
Posted: 1/8/05 at 2:07am
Doxy, that was lovely! Er, this might be about five minutes, but...whatever. No one's forcing you to read.
LES MISERABLES:
Valjean: My life sucks.
Bishop: God is cool.
Valjean: Wow, God IS cool. And he probably wants me to skip town!
Ten years later
Valjean: I'm the mayor! *throws money at masses*
Fantine: Bastard, I'm sick!
Valjean: What?
Fantine: Take my baby! *dies*
Valjean: Uh...I guess I will.
Thenardiers: Cosette sucks!
Valjean: I'll pay you for her.
Thenardiers: Cosette rocks!
Cosette: I'm small and sad. Love me!
Valjean: Okay!
ten years later
Cosette: I'm no longer small and sad. Love me!
Marius: Okay!
Eponine: Well, I'm poor and sad. Love me!
Marius: Uh, no.
Valjean: Hey! Get away from my randomly adopted urchin!
Marius: Uh...*looks for something to do*
Students: We're looking for people to die with us!
Marius: *shrug* Sounds good.
Eponine: Marius, I'm dying. Love me!
Marius: I suddenly kind of do. Don't die!
Eponine: *dies*
Students: *die*
Marius: Ow.
Valjean: Whoops, I probably should let you marry my daughter now. Feel free to cut me out of your--
Marius: Adios, pal.
Valjean: *dies*
Cosette and Marius: Oh, no!
Dead people sing. The end.
Edited to add Eponine, because I'm dumb like that.
re: The One Minute Musical#108
Posted: 1/8/05 at 2:13am
can I just add some stuff to VICTOR/VICTORIA...? thanks.
Victoria: Oh, here I am, a singer from England stranded in Paris with nothing to eat.
Toddy: Come up to my flat.
Victoria: No thank you.
Toddy: But, I'm GAY!!!
Victoria: Oh, that's so nice of you!
Toddy: Wait, if I cut your hair REAL short and dress you in men's clothes, you could be Les Jazz Hot!
Mr. Bernstein: Wow. That man is one hot woman!
Norma: Paris makes me horny!
King: I love, I mean, I REALLY LOVE this Victor fella--it must mean I'm GAY!!!
Victoria: Hey! We're almost a love song!
(Street singer begins singing a reprise of "Paris By Night")
Street Singer: Ignore me. I'm just singing a reprise of "Paris by Night" so I don't feel left out. I'm really the swing for Norma... I'll go on to play Norma in the national tour, but they'll cut "Paris Makes Me Horny" because the rest America can't handle it...
Norma: King is living with a Polish fairy! And I can't spell "Chicago"!
Gangster: Hey I'm a tough guy gangster named Sally and the mob don't do business with homos. But I can't remember who is supposed to shoot whom.
Norma: It's who. You can't say "whom" cuz' there aint no preposition in front of it.
Gangster: Shoot her!
Norma: My mother was a nun!
Gangster: Oh, great a bunch of queers!
Toddy: Two queers does not a bunch make. (five minutes of laughter)
Victoria: That's it!
(Victoria drags Norma upsairs)
Norma: WAIT! Lock the door!
Victoria: I'm NOT a man!
(she shows Norma her boobs.)
Norma: AHHHHH!!! You two-timing son of a bi*ch!
King: Then I'm NOT Gay!
Toddy: and I LOVE Mr. Bernstein!
Mr. Bernstein: AND I CAN SING TOO!!!
Julie Andrews: And I'm not accepting my Tony nomination because everyone else in this show was soooo overlooked by the committee.
CURTAIN
Updated On: 1/8/05 at 02:13 AM
re: The One Minute Musical#109
Posted: 1/8/05 at 2:20amWow, I just realized I forgot my favorite character, Eponine. Random!
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/6/04
re: The One Minute Musical#110
Posted: 1/8/05 at 2:21am
THANKS for filling in the blanks, CATSNYRevival!
Please feel free to edit my work anytime!!! 
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/6/04
re: The One Minute Musical#112
Posted: 1/8/05 at 2:44am
SUNSET BOULEVARD
Joe: Why, I'm an out of work writer and you're Norma Desmond! You were in silent movies! You USED to be Big!
Norma: I AM Big! It's the pictures that got small! Here--since you're a writer, you can edit the script I've been working on for my "return." And while we're at it, you can be my kept man--I'll buy you expensive clothes and stuff!
Joe: I'll work on Norma's script by day, and then colloborate with that obnoxious reader Betty by night!
Norma: Joe, who's Betty Schafer? I have a gun, Joe--and I'm not afraid to use it!
[Fires at Joe--Joe falls into pool, dead]
Norma: Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up!
CURTAIN
Featured Actor Joined: 1/2/05
re: The One Minute Musical#113
Posted: 1/8/05 at 11:56am
TABOO--
Boy George: Yeah! We're FREAKS!
(The cast struts about the stage in freakishly weird costumes and such. The audience is confused.)
Audience: .........???...........
Rosie O'Donnell: YEAH! GO TABOO! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Audience: .........???...........
Boy George: Don't you see, we're trying to convey a message about love and passion, truth and acceptance, style and-
Audience: .......................?
Boy George: .....I give up!
Rosie O'Donnell: We may be closing, but we'll be back! You hear me Broadway?! I WILL make a successful show SOMEDAY!!!
re: The One Minute Musical#115
Posted: 1/8/05 at 12:00pm
aww, Taboo! 
re: The One Minute Musical#116
Posted: 1/8/05 at 12:04pm
tick... tick... BOOM!
Jon: I'm thirty! OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING.
Micheal: Basically, yeah. Come have fun in Hell in a Buisness Suit with me!
Susan: Johnny, I don't want to do this anymore...
[time passes]
Jon: Everything's ok now.
Featured Actor Joined: 1/2/05
re: The One Minute Musical#117
Posted: 1/8/05 at 12:07pm
You know what they say:
Actions speak louder than...
re: The One Minute Musical#118
Posted: 1/8/05 at 12:10pm
Indeed.
Cabaret:
Emcee: Welcome!
Sally: Cliff, you're hot!
Cliff: I'm gay.
Sally: Not anymore!
Cliff: Ok.
Emcee: I want Sally.
{time passes. Nazis come}
Emcee: Bye. And this this is what happens when you ignore problems.
Broadway Legend Joined: 5/14/04
re: The One Minute Musical#119
Posted: 1/8/05 at 12:25pm
Caroline or Change
Caroline: Sigh.
Noah: You're so cool!
Caroline: Sigh.
Dottie: 'Dja hear about that statue that was stolen??
Caroline: Sigh.
Bus: JFK is DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD.
Caroline: Sigh.
Rose: Caroline, take my son's money so he'll love me.
Caroline: ...Ok.
(She does.)
Noah: That's sooooo not fair.
Emmie: MONEY!!! Let's DANCE! (She does. Her brothers stare at her.)
Noah: I want to be black so Caroline can be my mother. I hate Rose.
Caroline: Why am I taking money from a little white kid? Sigh.
Radio: Ring-a-ling, Ring-a-ling, take the coins, bitch.
Washing Machine: You're husband beat you. You then beat you're husband. He's gone now.
Caroline: Sigh.
White cast members: HANNUKAH!!!!!!!!!!
Stuart: Why doesn't my son like me? (plays clarinet)
Rose: Why doesn't Stuart or Noah like me?
Moon: I am the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.
Emmie: My Mom sucks.
(Caroline slaps her.)
Emmie: I want my own house.
Noah: I forgot my Hannukah present, 20 dollars, at my house! Crap! Caroline better not take it.
Caroline: I took it.
Noah: Blacks suck.
Caroline: Jews suck. Caroline out. (She leaves.)
Caroline: My kids are important. I'm not. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.
Caroline: I'm back.
Noah: Good.
Emmie: I stole that statue. I'm Caroline's daughter. The end.
re: The One Minute Musical#120
Posted: 1/8/05 at 1:17pm
Caroline, or Change:
Caroline: (To Noah) Leave me alone. I hate you. Die. Blah.
Noah: (To Caroline) I want money.
(Noah leaves.)
Caroline: ****. Did I just say that?
(Outside.)
Emmie: I respect you, Ma.
End Scene.
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/6/04
re: The One Minute Musical#121
Posted: 1/8/05 at 3:33pm
FLOWER DRUM SONG
Mei Li: Hello, I am your "picture bride". I just arrived here from China.
Sammy: Well, don't marry me!
Mei Li: Oh, it is the Father's first son I like--from the House of Ta.
Helen: But I love Wang Ta as well! Oh, love--look AWAY!
Wang Ta: I want that hot nightclub singer Linda Low!
Linda: I enjoy being a girl!
Sammy: Hey, kid--you want Wang Ta--and I want Linda. Let's put our heads together and see what we can do here! I know--I'll invite Wang Ta's family to my nightclub and see Linda strip--it'll be a real turnoff for them--they'll NEVER let Wang Ta marry Linda!
Mei Li: And your Mother would never allow you to marry me--my back is all wet!
ENTIRE COMPANY: A Hundred Million Miracles Are Happening Every Day!!!
CURTAIN
Broadway Star Joined: 10/31/04
re: The One Minute Musical#122
Posted: 1/8/05 at 4:00pm
The Who's Tommy
58 craptastic seconds of song, dance, and exaggerated British accents
TOMMY: Oh, it's my ape**** crazy family of child molesters, murderers, and bullies. Let's hug!
Updated On: 1/8/05 at 04:00 PM
Broadway Legend Joined: 3/28/04
re: The One Minute Musical#123
Posted: 1/8/05 at 5:06pm
Whistle Down The Wind
Swallow: AHHHH! There's a man in the barn! Who are you?
Man: Oy jesus...
Swallow: Hey siblings, JESUS IS IN OUR BARN!!!
Siblings: Awesome, let's invite our friends
Townspeople: Hey, there's a convict on the loose!
Man: OK, nobody move, I kidnapped the girl and I'm not afraid to use her!
Swallow: But, you're Jesus!
Man: She's so stupid, but pure. Damnit, just go!
(Man commits suicide by burning down the barn)
Swallow: Hey siblings, look at the cross-shaped burn mark!
Siblings: AWESOME!
The End
Updated On: 1/8/05 at 05:06 PM
re: The One Minute Musical#124
Posted: 1/8/05 at 5:13pm
NINE
Guido: I'm forty! OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!
[time passes]
Guido: Everything's ok now...
CURTAIN
Updated On: 1/8/05 at 05:13 PM
re: The One Minute Musical#125
Posted: 1/8/05 at 5:37pm
I Love You, You're Perfect Now Change
lala lala some skits about relationships! oh wait now kids! Wait more skits about relationships!
Curtain
re: The One Minute Musical#126
Posted: 1/8/05 at 5:38pm
Guys and Dolls
Nicely-Nicely Johnson: Hey, Nathan, why haven't you found a place for the game?
Nathan Detroit: Because I haven't. So sue me.
Sarah Brown and the Mission band enter
Sarah Brown: Sinners, will you repent?
Nathan: No. So sue me.
Sarah and the Band exit. Sky Masterson enters
Sky Masterson: Nathan, you old promoter you.
Nathan: So what if I am, sue me.
Sky : For random fun, i bet I can take any doll you say to Havana.
Sarah walks on. Nathan points to her.
Sky: Her?
Nathan: Yeah, her. So sue me.
Sky: Excuse me Miss, wanna go to Havana.
Sarah: No. I hate your kind.
Sky: I'm rich and handsome. And I'll find you some sinners.
Sarah: Oh, okay.
They go to Havana. Sarah gets drunk.
Adelaide: Nathan, we've been engaged for 14 years and haven't been married.
Nathan: So sue me, baby.
Sky (To Gamblers): I'm gonna roll you all for your souls.
Gambler #1: That's kind of a random proposal.
Sky wins the roll
They go to the Prayer Meeting
Nicely sings the show-stopping 'Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat'
The brilliance of the show is then slightly decreased by the anticlimatic ending
Nathan: Yeah, so sue me.
Curtain
The opposite of creation isn't war, it's stagnation.
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