Forbidden BWW: Create Your Own Schtick- Page 3

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 1:07am

"Bitch"

Lovingly taken from "Man" from THE FULL MONTY

IDINA:

I'm in a show, the book is lackin'
they call me good but I'm just slackin'
So close your ears - and please don't listen
'Cause I'm a....BITCH.

TONYA:

My hands are black, my face is dirty
I didn't win JACK, my show's too wordy.
But Idina won - because she's purdy.
Yes, you're a note-screaming, real live bitch.

And when the noms came out they said I'd take it
But the time done come and I DIDN'T WIN SH*T!

You took your man and I'm still single
I brought my kids so they could mingle
But when you sang, everyone giggled.
'Cause you're a green-painted, lame-acting
fork lift flying BITCH!

IDINA:

You're in these shows. They always fail.
You've been divorced. He's probably in jail.
You may be good. But like a whale.
And you're a bitch itch-itch-itch BITCH!
I have my dreams, you have your dishes
And I don't want to sound malicious
But you're a bore and reek of fishes-
I have a show.
Bye, Bitch.

TONYA:

She's gonna go straight up
Standing on a fork lift.
Don't know exactly what I'm doing
But I know that I was hardcore stiffed
I'll show her! I'll show you all!
I'll show then all the real thing!

What is a bitch? What does she bother?
'Cause she's a bitch. 'Cause I'm a mother.
She wants his kid, he wants her career.
I want to...
I want to be
A bitch
A real bitch
Yes I am!
I'm gonna be!
I've gotta be!

A real bitch with a mission
Like you see on television
I'm a real fine gen-u-ine
Bitch!

[BSoBW2]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 1:09am

Good job with one of my favorite songs from one of my favorite shows...

And I get NO credit?

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 1:14am

You're right. I owe BSO credit for :

"but the time done come."

I couldn't come up with anything as racist as that on my own.

COME ON PEOPLE, POST. BE CREATIVE.

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 1:39am

PEOPLE. YOU ARE BORING. WRITE SOMETHING FUNNY.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 1:49am

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's almost two in the morning on the east coast. Most people don't have an interest in tweaking.

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 1:55am

Wow, you do loose track of time.

I put a lot of effort into those songs! I hope people get to read them!

[Ellie3]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 2:01am

I read them! Loved them!
*stands to applaud*

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 2:54am

Thanks Ellie!

[ElTico68]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 2:56am

You are way funny, Munk. Been reading them and laughing out loud. Literally.

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 3:58am

Thanks! I could literally do that all day. I have another one called "Defying Mediocrity" about WICKED, but I'm finishing it up for tomorrow.

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 4:31am

"Mama"
A bittersweet song sung by Liza Minnelli to her dead mother, Judy Garland.
Based on "Children and Art" from SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE

LIZA:

You would have liked me.
Mama, you would.
Mama, I snort things -
Mama, they're good.
Just as you taught me to do:
I learned it from you...
I learned it from you...

I should be happy-
I am beloved-
I won an Oscar!

You should have seen it,
It was a sight!
Mama, I mean it-
All cocaine and light!
I don't remember what I did,
But, Mama, the things that I sniffed!
It twinkled and shimmered and buzzed-
You would have liked them!

It...
Him...

Peter? Peter? Peter?

DAVID GUEST:

It's David, you fabulous hunk of woman.

LIZA:

Of course it is. I thought you were Peter for a moment, now bring Liza her pills. Did I tell you who that was?

DAVID GUEST:

Of course, silly! That's your mother!

LIZA:

That is.......correct.

(singing)

Isn't she FABULOUS?
There she is-
There she is, there she is, there she is-
Mama is everywhere,
Everyone just loved her so much...

DAVID GUEST:

Is she really in all of those places, baby?

LIZA:

This is my family
This is my crack.
After it's gone, you must
Go out and bring me some back.

DAVID:

Now, let's not have this discussion-

LIZA:

Isn't she just FABULOUS, though?

You would have liked her.
Mama did men
No one had done.
Mama was funny,
Mama was fun,
Mama spent money
When she had none.

Mama said, 'Honey,
Mustn't be down.
It's not so much you drink what you like
As it is that you like what you drink.'
Mama said, 'Liiiiiizzzzzzaaaa,
Don't make such a drama.
A little less feeling,
A little more drinking-'

DAVID GUEST:

Please don't start...

LIZA:

I'm just quoting MAMA!

The coke is so sweet...
And my body so valuptuous.
Isn't it lovely how cocaine can rapture us?

DAVID GUEST:

Yes, it is, Liza.

LIZA:

I knew I'd marry
A big old queer
Mama had said so.

Mama enjoyed fags.
My father was gay.
See how I shimmer!!
And I didn't have to pay.

I know, honey, you don't know you're queer.
But now I'm just glad that you're here.
Just wait till you realize, and you'll see-
Listen to me...

Liza is smart!
Listen to Liza!

(LIZA begins to chug a bottle of gin)
I learned it from you...
I learned it from you...

(LIZA falls out of her bed, creating a minor earthquake. Many believe this may be the cause of the deadly Tsunami.)

I'M COMING, MAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

(David Guest looks at Liza laying on the floor. She is passed out. He goes into her closet, and starts to try on her big sequined frocks.)

[Corine2]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 8:48am

Namo-
I had tears reading your song.
Funny funny stuff.

[Falsettoland]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 9:06am

Damn you're on fire. That's hysterical. Almost wet my pants on the Brooklyn one.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 9:37am

Namo, there is a fine fine line between Funny Funny Stuff and I'm gonna SUE your ass!

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 9:58am

Are you saying I am NOT a writer of significance? Well the Emmy voters may just have an issue with that.

[Corine2]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 10:05am

Well Sue,
You are not Namo. And Munk I hope Namo does not hate me because i find him funny and I admire him. He wrote me a song.
I have two songs.
lol Updated On: 3/1/05 at 10:05 AM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 10:12am

Chorine, Namo hates you.

[Corine2]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 10:15am

Well i hate you Sue. So we are even.

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 10:15am

Just really, wow...

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 10:18am

Please don't say we are "even". I would have to kill myself.

[Corine2]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 10:20am

Oh and Namo, correct your typo darling.
The man is Gerard Alessandrini.
Hands rope to Sue. I wont stop you honey! Updated On: 3/1/05 at 10:20 AM

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 12:24pm

Corine: I don't know if ANYONE hates you - he's the first person that came to mind. I was going to use a wicked SN, but there are thousands to choose from.

[BSoBW2]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 3:10pm

I am currently working on another. I'll post what I have so far.

This is not the FINAL one....any suggestions are welcomed!

(The end, as you can tell, is very unfinished. This is not even close to the full song!)

An Outrage!
[Masquerade]
(The Phantom of the Opera)

CHORUS
An outrage!
Paper sets are on the stage. . .
An outrage!
Hide your face,
So the audience will
Never see you!

An outrage!
Put these book writers in a cage . . .
An outrage!
Look away -
There's no other
Good shows on Broadway!

Eden screams . . .
Forklift flies . . .
Surfer boys . . .
Angel dies . . .
Beast transforms . . .
Old ladies stiffed . . .
Lion falls . . .
Cheyenne shakes . . .

Wicked . . .
What a bore, lead’s a whore
And you can’t bring her down . . .
On her giant lift. . .

Harvey croaks . . .
Cleavant yells. . .
Norby steals . . .
Hear the bells . . .
Rod is gay . . .?
Spamalot . . .
Ulla belts . . .

Brooklyn . . .
You’ll go deaf, stirrup cup,
Close it now!
Shut the doors . . .
Curtains down . . .

RAOUL/CHRISTINE
Let the Plymouth be free . . .?

ALL
An outrage!
Screw the lighting
On the stage . . .
An outrage!
Pop a pill -
Good Vibrations will
Astound you!

An outrage!
Broadway legends -
Each a mage,
An outrage!
Take a glare
At the twelve year olds
Around you!

An outrage!
Darkened stages
Vamp brides fly . . .
An outrage!
Don’t they know
Wildhorn’s scores
Are all the same thing?

An outrage!
Every show is
Jukebox **** . . .
An outrage!
Run and hide -
But the show will
Still haunt you!

(The ENSEMBLE activity becomes background, as
ANDRE, FIRMIN, MEG, GIRY, PIANGI and CARLOTTA
come to the fore, glasses in hand)

GIRY
Crappy show:

MEG
Drowning Crow!

ANDRE
What a sin!

FIRMIN
See Brooklyn!
All the shows
D.O.A.!

CARLOTTA
All the gays in Hairspray!

MEG/GlRY
Reviving shows
To save Broadway!

ANDRE
Six months...

PIANGI
…Is the span…!

CARLOTTA
…Of a show…!

ANDRE/FIRMIN
Every single season!

MEG/GIRY
What a terrible shock!

CARLOTTA
No more books!

PIANGI
No more scores!

GIRY
Phantom’s been!

ANDRE
On Broadway:
For a thousand years!

FIRMIN
How many chandeliers?

PIANGI/CARLOTTA
And may its
Splendour never fade!
FIRMIN
Six months!

GIRY
What a ploy!

MEG
What a sham!

FIRMIN/ANDRE
What a horrid upset!

ANDRE
And what an outrage!

(They clink glasses and move off RAOUL and
CHRISTINE emerge. She is admiring a new acquisition:
an engagement ring from RAOUL, which she has
attached to a gold chain around her neck.)

CHRISTINE
Think of it!
An actor with talent!
Laugh – I made a joke!
Just think of it!

RAOUL
But why is it hopeless?
To find a good, old show?

CHRISTINE
Please, do not bitch. . .

RAOUL
Christine, I’m pissed!

CHRISTINE
Wait till it’s Tony night . . .

RAOUL
When will that be?
It’s just a crock, they
Hate talent!

Christine,
I can act way too well…
CHRISTINE
Then you won’t win . . .

RAOUL
Then I can’t win. . .

CHRISTINE
Please pretend . . .

RAOUL
I can only hope I'll . . .

CHRISTINE
You will . . .

BOTH
. . . understand
in time . . .

[elphieisperky]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 4:29pm

Wow. Funny stuff in here, funny stuff! That was hysterical!

[BroadwayDiva]

Posted: 3/1/05 at 4:36pm

Thank you VERY VERY much for those!!!