THE WORST FILM OF 2005 (and possibly all time) IS...

[TheEnchantedHunter]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 7:52pm

ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE WE KNOW
This worthless piece of trash wins my vote as the worst movie of 2005
and enters the Hall of Fame pantheon as one of the worst EVER. It
makes WRONG TURN look like Ingmar Bergman! The scene mentioned below
with the 6-year old boy in the Internet chat room has to be one of the
most foul, disgusting scenes ever committed to celluloid and, if I
could, I would bring up the producers and the parents of the child
actor on child charges. At any rate, I've downloaded a review which
pretty much sums it up:

" If Zach Braff and David Gordon Green conferred in the deepest,
darkest corner of hell, removed each other's genitals with piano wire,
feverishly slammed the dripping remains into a filthy blender, added
liberal helpings of bile, excrement, and the entrails of mutilated
infants, and then -- and only then -- shot the concoction at a blank
canvas, the end result might approach what I witnessed in any given
moment of Me and You and Everyone We Know; not only the worst film of
the year, but one so repugnant to reason that I may be forced to
endure several dozen more screenings of Fantastic Four to remove the
deep, unshakable odor. From the opening scene -- a dual disaster
whereby one character sets his hand on fire while the other "creates"
bizarre, unwatchable performance art -- I knew I was in for an
unmitigated disaster; the sort of crime against the cinema that one
encounters only on occasion, but with increasing frequency in an
independent film scene that has now institutionalized the belief that
madness and advanced, incurable retardation are endearing quirks that,
by fiat, must be celebrated as genuine alternatives to everyday
living. It should surprise no one that writer/director/star Miranda
July (a silly stage name if there ever was one -- she probably had her
first period in that month or something) is, in real life, the sort of
performance artist she portrays on screen, which provides the only
evidence we really need as to her twisted mental state. If there's a
group of folks in this wide, wretched world that deserves the same
sort of unending contempt reserved for Christians and Republicans, it
is these overly precious, colossally untalented wretches; human beings
so childishly needy and narcissistic that they wail with the sadness
of a hungry newborn when the world fails to recognize that yes, the
rusty toilet fastened to the ceiling is in fact symbolic of
patriarchy's determined hold on the politics of the Western world.

Ms. July portrays Christine, a woman from a world no one of good sense
would ever recognize, who operates a business called "Elder Cab," a
taxi service for equally intolerable senior citizens. From all
appearances, she seems to only have one client, some nattering old
coot who is in love with a dying woman in a retirement home. Their
first scene together involves a trip to the shoe store for a pair of
Nikes, which serves no other purpose than to allow her to meet Richard
(John Hawkes), who sells footwear and at the same time, dispenses the
sort of wisdom you'd most likely get on a crowded, urine-soaked bus at
the wrong end of town. He's a nervous, frightening-looking fellow, and
as soon as he begins speaking, we know that he's bound to fall in love
with Christine because he's her equal in the criminally insane
department. Richard just separated from his wife, and he's left caring
for his two kids, who are precocious and solemn in good measure,
depending of course on the requirements of the wretched screenplay.

The eldest son, Peter (Miles Thompson), doesn't say much, but we know
he's a wise soul because he wanders around looking like he needs a
nap. Peter's younger brother is also one of those kids you'd find in a
film like this; the sort of youngster who will carry on an internet
sex chat, and ask that he be allowed to poop in her butt, and have her
reciprocate. And back again. Needless to say, the pervert at the other
end will ask to meet the child, and when it takes place on a lonely
park bench, the person we suspect is a greasy child molester is
actually a middle-aged woman, and one of the characters we've come to
know in the course of the film! Standing nearby, of course, is some
weirdo doing Tai-Chi, which is actually an understated distraction for
someone of July's nature. Had a nude couple strolled by engaging in a
debate about existentialism while eating pizza with their feet, I
would not have been shocked. That's the kind of film this is,
unfortunately.

Peter also gets blown by two neighborhood chicks, who want to hone
their skills before moving on to the creepy dude who is leaving
suggestive notes on his window. Before getting down to business, the
girls ask for two washcloths (one dry, one wet), a towel, and two
pieces of candy (preferably mints). Such a description, as bad as it
is, does nothing to convey the tone of the scene, which is so phony
and theatrical that no one could ever believe it. But that's only a
small slice of unconvincing bull**** that passes before our eyes. A
sampling:

* Christine and her elderly friend chase down an SUV with a
goldfish in a bag sitting on the roof, which flies off and lands on
the trunk of a nearby vehicle. The bag eventually falls to the ground,
presumably killing the fish.

* Christine narrates a video (playing both male and female parts)
where two young people declare their love in language that would be
too embarrassed to be featured in a greeting card.

* Christine works on her art some more, this time writing "me" and
"you" on her shoes for -- you guessed it -- no conceivable reason.

* Christine (who else?) flirts with Richard by attaching nylons to her ears.

* A young friend of Peter's -- a girl who actually says "Sunday
supplement" to a clerk -- keeps a hope chest full of appliances and
bath items, which she calls her dowry. Oh yes, she also spends a few
moments inhaling the smell of a shower curtain.

* Christine, disturbed by the sight of Richard speaking to his
estranged wife, shoves a talking picture frame at her and proceeds to
redden faces everywhere with her sales pitch.

* Richard and his two sons stroll down the street singing hymns
because Richard wanted to "take his hand for a walk" after removing
the bandage from his self-inflicted wound.

And on and on we go, but even the most masochistic moviegoer has his
limits. And even if I closed my eyes, there'd still be that horrific
score, which sounds like a drunken Philip Glass blowing chunks into a
tuba. Christine is cut from the same cloth as Garden State's Braff, as
she makes strange noises, writes "****" on her windshield, puts round,
pink stickers on everything, and asks the director of an art show
(within the context of her submitted video) to call her, say only
"macaroni," and hang up. And I'll be ****ed if such a call wasn't
made. Finally, Richard asks this disturbed creature over for a date,
and when she catches him on his front lawn trying to hide a painting
that had been defaced by his youngest son, she naturally helps him
look for a more suitable tree on which to hang the work of art. Don't
you understand? This chick sees into the soul of every person and
object she encounters, and art is, like, everywhere, you know? And
she'd see nothing untoward about asking you to plunk down $25 for a
ticket to her show, which would be nothing more than her sitting
cross-legged in the middle of the room eating ice cream for 3 ½ hours.

Ignore the praise, the four-star reviews, and the cries that in Ms.
July, cinema has found a striking new talent. The only justice would
be for this obnoxious twit to return to her studio, keep creating for
the handful of paid sycophants who convinced her that writing a
screenplay was "that one thing" she just had to do, and never show her
face in public again. She's a shining example of what's wrong with
American film, even the so-called "cutting edge scene," that is now
little more than the same old bull**** with smaller catering budgets.
It's impossible to hate characters more, or be invested in their
plight less, and only my wife's strong arm kept me seated for the
duration. Her sweat-filled loathing was equally as strong, but as she
loves to watch me squirm through raw sewage, my pain outweighed her
desire for freedom and fresh air. But we survived -- barely, with the
scars to prove it."

A HORRORSHOW!

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:00pm

Not surprised you hated this--it's on many critics Top Ten lists. You have the exact opposite taste of most people of good taste.

[roquat]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:00pm

Now I have to see it.

[Pinguin]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:00pm

Yeesh. I loved this movie.

[TheEnchantedHunter]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:08pm

Wrong, as usual, jrb. It's just that I have a brain and don't subscribe to received opinion. Now go out there and form one of your own. You, too, roquat.


Daisy Gamble
New York, New York

[roquat]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:09pm

I don't know who that reviewer was, but his prissy, witless tone made me want to watch the movie just to tick him off.

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:10pm

Oh but how wrong YOU are as I do form my own opinions. This is quite clear if you've actually read any of my debates with people on film these last couple of years.

And, I WILL give you credit that you form your own--because they are way off and different from anyone else's.

[SallyBrown]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 8:37pm

Question: Who be Ingmar Bergman? It's probably a dumb question to most but I know of an Ingrid Bergman..not Ingmar.

[Pinguin]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 9:01pm

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000005/

swedish writer/director.

[Marquise]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 9:03pm

Dear Daisy Gamble,

I hated the way Mia Farrow portrayed you in The Great Gatsby. She did you a disservice. Same goes for Mira Sorvino.

Love,
Marquise

[Pinguin]

Posted: 1/4/06 at 9:03pm

And by the way, Hunter: The title of the movie is Me and You and Everyone We Know. No "else" in there.

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 12:57am

Not surprised you hated this--it's on many critics Top Ten lists. You have the exact opposite taste of most people of good taste.

Kinda harsh, wouldn't you agree?

I liked this movie. Not a masterpiece, but certainly unique.

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:08am

Harsh but accurate if you have read this dude's posts ever.

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:22am

Hmm... Come to think of it, I've never read his other posts.

[DG]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:41am

I don't know if I'd vote vote either of them as the worst of the year, but might seriously consider them both for most overhyped - KING KONG and BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN were only great in what they registered in the minds of those who needed them to represent something. On their own, they are seriously flawed and negligible wastes of time.

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:44am

Interesting statement, DG. Wrong, but interesting.

[zzprincesskatt]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:45am

I'd definitely put in my vote for the worst movie of all time as Darkness. When it was over, the entire audience kind of looked at each other with these confused looks, and everyone was asking if anyone got the movie. The whole movie was wierd and so was the ending.

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:45am

Darkness was awful.

[paradox_error]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:46am

Broadway, no opinion is wrong. You of all people should know that...

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:54am

Broadway, no opinion is wrong. You of all people should know that...

You're right. I'm not sure what the second part means. BUT, if I am correct, DG is suggesting that those who loved King Kong and Brokeback Mountain are... what, kidding themselves?

[DG]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 1:59am

bway86 - no offense meant - I'm just being as definitive in my statements as what seems to pass for opinion anymore on this site.

I accept that the entire fu*king world is blown away by the explosiveness of KONG and the art of BROKEBACK.

I wouldn't pay to see either of them again - even in a porn version - if my life depended on it.

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 2:05am

I'm just being as definitive in my statements as what seems to pass for opinion anymore on this site.

That's true.

I was disappointed in your statement only because Brokeback was a very personal film for me. It hit me in a way that no film had this year. I wouldn't want anyone to think I loved it simply because the critics seemed to.

[DG]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 2:08am

I completely understand a personal resonase to a movie - some of my favorites are critical - and artistic - nightmares. But I'm seriously flumoxed by the overwhelming acceptance of BROKEBACK as an artistic achievement - even in consideration of my personal bias, it left me completely wanting.

[broadway86]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 2:09am

Fair enough. Having seen it twice, I still don't see flaws in it (on the other hand, what film DOESN'T have them?). Updated On: 1/5/06 at 02:09 AM

[Plum]

Posted: 1/5/06 at 3:27am

Um...yeah. Diss Zach Braff and you lose me.