Defining a Relationship: Awkward In-Between Phase

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:15pm

So I had a boyfriend for two years. I broke up with him at the beginning of June.
And I started casually dating a couple of people.
One in particular... in fact, I wouldn't call it casual anymore.
But he tried to use the G-word when we'd only gone out a couple of times, and I put the kabosh (sp?) on that.
It just felt too wrong to be someone's girlfriend again that quickly (about 2 weeks post significant break-up).

Now we're in this awkward in-between phase.
So we're seeing each other with great frequency (about 5 times a week).
And we talk on the phone every day... sometimes more than once.
Yesterday, I asked him how long he thought we'd been dating, and he said "oh, we're dating now?" in a joking sort of way... as though up until that moment, I hadn't allowed for it.

In my world, you can be "seeing someone/dating something" without being their "girlfriend/boyfriend". I'm not sure this guy sees things the same way.

Am I looking at it strangely? Are my definitions different from most? I would appreciate any and all insight into this matter.

Thank you kindly,

~ff~

[millie_dillmount]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:22pm

"In my world, you can be 'seeing someone/dating something' without being their 'girlfriend/boyfriend'."

Yeah...I would say so. In my opinion, a guy isn't my boyfriend unless he asks me and we talk about it.

Back in high school (those high school days) I sort of hung around this guy that I liked, and he liked me too. We never really kissed, but other than that, acted like boyfriend and girlfriend. But we were never official or anything.

One day he started ignoring me and eventually we didn't hang out as much anymore.

A couple of years pass and we were talking about it. He was saying how much I had changed (I had apparently become more outgoing to him). One thing he said really caught me off-guard. He mentioned that the "reason [he] broke up with [me]" was because I was too shy. I told him, "Um, we never were boyfriend/girlfriend. Therefore, there was never a breakup." And he started arguing with me that we had been. To this day, the way I see it, we were NEVER boyfriend/girlfriend EVER. Just because you might act like it doesn't mean you are in a committed relationship. It needs to be something that the two of you should talk about. I don't think it's right for anyone to assume that a specific person is their boyfriend or girlfriend just because they act like they're more than friends (but don't go on forever acting in this manner if nothing is going to come of it).


You're not looking at things strangely at all. I'm sure there are many people who share your view - more than you might think.

Updated On: 7/15/07 at 02:22 PM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:30pm

If you are seeing other people you are "dating" him. If you are seeing ONLY him, 5 times a week and talking EVERYDAY, you are his GIRLFRIEND.

[millie_dillmount]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:35pm

I disagree.

Seeing him 5 times a week and talking to him frequently are signs that you may become his girlfriend.

As I said, I wouldn't go on like this forever and lead him on if you don't want to be his girlfriend. If you like him and are acting this way, why shouldn't you be his girlfriend? But nothing is official until you two talk about it.

Updated On: 7/15/07 at 02:35 PM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:38pm

Let's put it this way, would you be pissed if you found out he was seeing someone else? Or vice-versa?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:39pm

Why do you have to define it at all? Why not just let it evolve naturally into whatever it is going to be, without "milestones" that have to be met to be "something" in particular.

[millie_dillmount]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:40pm

Yeah, I guess I'd be jealous, even if we weren't official...it's natural if you really like someone and want to go out with them...that would prompt me to ask him about our relationship status.

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:40pm

Well... I spent a couple of nights with this one guy who lives in Minnesota who has said he'd love to date me if he were here (and by "spent nights with", I mean cuddled. Very PG). I went out with one guy whom I stopped seeing after I found out he was 38 (reminder: I'm 22). And I had something that may or may not have been a date with an ex-roommate of mine last week. He wanted to take me out for martinis and then watch a Marlene Dietrich film (he's a wanna-be hipster), but we ended up watching television and he gave me a foot rub (which I didn't think was a big deal, but I have seen "Pulp Fiction"). I went to a party last night, and ended up passing out and cuddling with another guy (who is a strictly platonic friend of mine, but I felt I should mention it because he's male). And he goes to parties without me, and I have no idea what goes on there.

[soapguy17]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:41pm

Whoops! DD beat me too it.

Updated On: 7/15/07 at 02:41 PM

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 2:47pm

I think you can absolutely be dating without being boyfriend and girlfriend. I think it's pretty common and... logical.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 3:24pm

I don't think you have to "label" it for yourselves, but it makes it less awkward introducing or speaking of that person to someone else. "This is my boyfriend, John." Or, "This is this guy I kind of date, we have sex and are exclusive but he is NOT my BOYFRIEND, John." Sometimes in social situations you have to make labels.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 4:12pm

Roy, she's young......at our age you realize things don't need to be defined, at her age it's different......sigh, I remember

[Weez]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 4:22pm

"This is my boyfriend, John" OR "this is John; we're dating". Why does it have to be a big palaver?

My ex and I were "seeing each other" for a couple of months before we decided "yup, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend". You can be an exclusive "seeing each other" phase but still weirded out by the early adoption of the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. Just don't worry about labelling anything, and carry on as makes you happy.

I think it's "kibosh". I remember singing 'Belgium Put The Kibosh On The Kaiser' during 'Oh! What A Lovely War' once.

[matjomae]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 4:54pm

"In my world, you can be 'seeing someone/dating something' without being their 'girlfriend/boyfriend'."

"I think you can absolutely be dating without being boyfriend and girlfriend. I think it's pretty common and... logical."

I think this is a very fine line though. The time frame from when you can be dating to boyfriend/girlfriend is not that long, because the longer you date, the more you become attached to the relationship you are building, and you are creating a relationship whether intentional or not. My personal opinion is that the dating period has expiration date.

The situation that the original poster wrote about seems like more than 'dating.' My experience with 'dating' multiple guys has always been a lot more casual. i.e. dinner and a movie one weekend, chatting online a few times a week maybe, BUT not hanging out 5 days a week and talking everyday, more than once. That goes beyond my casual definition of the term 'dating'.

I am in a somewhat similiar situation at the moment where we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but we aren't just friends either. We hang out and act couple-ly, kiss, etc. and I am getting a bit frustrated, not just with him but with myself as well because I have yet to demand we define what we are, and I feel like we are almost 'friends with benefits,' something I have never been a supporter of.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 5:02pm

Oh, I agree that it is a fine (sometimes blurry) line. I think it's easier to "define," if you must, by the state of the relationship, though, than it is by a time period. It's frustrating, though: the way people say they're "with" someone or "together," versus "dating," etc. "Dating" has a pretty casual cache to it, and yes, I also think that ff's situation is more than "dating," but if she's not comfortable calling this guy her boyfriend yet, and wants some sort of definition, I feel like there's not as much room as their should be for that in between phase. In an ideal world, it wouldn't be quite so black and white. I understand the frustration, and I absolutely see why people do feel the compulsion to define things so they know where a relationship is going. (I also HATE friends-with-benefits situations. They're uncomfortable and just... personally, a recipe for disaster.)

~ff~, you look really pretty in your avatar.

Updated On: 7/15/07 at 05:02 PM

[matjomae]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 5:19pm

Emcee, I do agree the state of the relationship is the main ingredigent for how a relationship is to be defined, I just however think that time plays such an essential role in that you can only be 'dating' someone for so long before one person begins to question the relationship, and asks 'what is 'this' that we as are doing', and 'is this going to become something more', and 'is it worth my time to continue seeing this person'?

The thing with labels as well is that everyone has a different defintion for 'dating' is and what being 'together' is. I have always hated labeling my relationships, and yet, in my head at least, I can't seem to quit trying to label them. I think it is the misconception that once something is labeled everything will become a bit clearer and easier to understand. Oh how I wish that were true.

And re: friends with benefits, I hate that you know exactly what you need to do, and that is put an end to the situation, but yet you just can't seem to get yourself to do it. Argh.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 5:26pm

And re: friends with benefits, I hate that you know exactly what you need to do, and that is put an end to the situation, but yet you just can't seem to get yourself to do it. Argh.

Yes, exactly! I think the problem in that case is the fear of losing the person's friendship altogether.

And yeah, I also agree about labelling. I want to say I don't think it's necessary, and then at the same time, I'm certainly at a stage in my life (and relationship experience) where I know that I'd feel the need to. It's very hard not to.

[JohnPopa]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 6:34pm

I'm more concerned as to why ~FF~ became single and this is the first I'm hearing about it
Updated On: 7/15/07 at 06:34 PM

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 11:18pm

1. Actually, I don't have a problem with not defining it. But I think that HE does. He used the G-word very early on, and then corrected himself. Earlier this week, he cooked me dinner, and I made some comment about how the only guys who had previously cooked me dinner were my roommates. He then said, "oh, so no boyfriend figures". So I think he's testing the waters on the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. And I'm not really sure of how to deal with that.

2. If he were seeing someone else the amount that he has been seeing me, I'd be impressed. It'd be tricky to keep that up. If he were seeing anyone else period, and he told me about it... well, I might be bothered by that, but I wouldn't feel that I could stop him. When I went out on a date early on with another guy, he seemed jealous. At first he said it didn't bother him because there was no exclusivity declared between us. But then he sent me two text messages while I was out on the date, asking how it was... I take that to mean that he was bothered by it.

3. For the record, I am NOT sleeping with him. Not that it's anyone's business, but I felt I should throw that out there.

4. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a good 4 months before I started calling him my boyfriend. And we were exclusive from day 1.

5. I realize that the sheer frequency of my interactions with this guy would suggest that the relationship is quite serious. The fact is, I'm still getting to know him. And I think that he really, really wants the relationship to become serious. I'm trying to make it go a little more slowly.

6. I'm quite over my ex, but I'd like to be able to be friends with him in the future. I told him that I was breaking up with him because I wanted to be single... and I started dating this other guy about a week and a half after I became single. I'd feel really weird about having another boyfriend this quickly. So even though I really, genuinely like this guy, I'm trying to put the breaks on a bit. I haven't heard from my ex since we broke up, and I'd hate for him to finally heal enough to call me, and have to tell him that I'm in some sort of established relationship with another guy already.

7. Thank you Emcee.

8. JohnPopa, I'm guessing that means that you missed my Tony Awards Prom thread this year, too... Ah well.

[JohnPopa]

Posted: 7/15/07 at 11:22pm

I saw the Tony prom thread ... maybe I just skimmed for pictures :)

And, in my experience (keeping in mind I'm 34 and decidedly not married) it's easier just to talk through the awkwardness. But that could be just me who will toss and turn about these sort of things so I just reach a point where I say 'what's going on? I just want to make sure we're on the same page.'

And then, you know, hope we're on the same page.

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 7/16/07 at 12:40pm

Yeah, I think the problem here is that I have no idea what page I wish to be on...

For now, perhaps I'll just keep reading.

[sweetiedarlinmia]

Posted: 7/16/07 at 1:44pm

I have really nothing to contribute other than thanks for this thread b/c I am in a similar situation of the "what the heck are we?" stage and all this is quite helpful.

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 7/16/07 at 8:59pm

It's an uncomfortable spot to be in... I hope it goes well for you.