Defining a Relationship: Awkward In-Between Phase

So I had a boyfriend for two years. I broke up with him at the beginning of June.
And I started casually dating a couple of people.
One in particular... in fact, I wouldn't call it casual anymore.
But he tried to use the G-word when we'd only gone out a couple of times, and I put the kabosh (sp?) on that.
It just felt too wrong to be someone's girlfriend again that quickly (about 2 weeks post significant break-up).

Now we're in this awkward in-between phase.
So we're seeing each other with great frequency (about 5 times a week).
And we talk on the phone every day... sometimes more than once.
Yesterday, I asked him how long he thought we'd been dating, and he said "oh, we're dating now?" in a joking sort of way... as though up until that moment, I hadn't allowed for it.

In my world, you can be "seeing someone/dating something" without being their "girlfriend/boyfriend". I'm not sure this guy sees things the same way.

Am I looking at it strangely? Are my definitions different from most? I would appreciate any and all insight into this matter.

Thank you kindly,

~ff~

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If you are seeing other people you are "dating" him. If you are seeing ONLY him, 5 times a week and talking EVERYDAY, you are his GIRLFRIEND.

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Let's put it this way, would you be pissed if you found out he was seeing someone else? Or vice-versa?

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Yeah, I guess I'd be jealous, even if we weren't official...it's natural if you really like someone and want to go out with them...that would prompt me to ask him about our relationship status.

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Whoops! DD beat me too it.

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Updated On: 7/15/07 at 02:41 PM

I don't think you have to "label" it for yourselves, but it makes it less awkward introducing or speaking of that person to someone else. "This is my boyfriend, John." Or, "This is this guy I kind of date, we have sex and are exclusive but he is NOT my BOYFRIEND, John." Sometimes in social situations you have to make labels.

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"This is my boyfriend, John" OR "this is John; we're dating". Why does it have to be a big palaver?

My ex and I were "seeing each other" for a couple of months before we decided "yup, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend". You can be an exclusive "seeing each other" phase but still weirded out by the early adoption of the terms boyfriend and girlfriend. Just don't worry about labelling anything, and carry on as makes you happy.

I think it's "kibosh". I remember singing 'Belgium Put The Kibosh On The Kaiser' during 'Oh! What A Lovely War' once.

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Oh, I agree that it is a fine (sometimes blurry) line. I think it's easier to "define," if you must, by the state of the relationship, though, than it is by a time period. It's frustrating, though: the way people say they're "with" someone or "together," versus "dating," etc. "Dating" has a pretty casual cache to it, and yes, I also think that ff's situation is more than "dating," but if she's not comfortable calling this guy her boyfriend yet, and wants some sort of definition, I feel like there's not as much room as their should be for that in between phase. In an ideal world, it wouldn't be quite so black and white. I understand the frustration, and I absolutely see why people do feel the compulsion to define things so they know where a relationship is going. (I also HATE friends-with-benefits situations. They're uncomfortable and just... personally, a recipe for disaster.)

~ff~, you look really pretty in your avatar.

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Updated On: 7/15/07 at 05:02 PM

And re: friends with benefits, I hate that you know exactly what you need to do, and that is put an end to the situation, but yet you just can't seem to get yourself to do it. Argh.

Yes, exactly! I think the problem in that case is the fear of losing the person's friendship altogether.

And yeah, I also agree about labelling. I want to say I don't think it's necessary, and then at the same time, I'm certainly at a stage in my life (and relationship experience) where I know that I'd feel the need to. It's very hard not to.

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1. Actually, I don't have a problem with not defining it. But I think that HE does. He used the G-word very early on, and then corrected himself. Earlier this week, he cooked me dinner, and I made some comment about how the only guys who had previously cooked me dinner were my roommates. He then said, "oh, so no boyfriend figures". So I think he's testing the waters on the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. And I'm not really sure of how to deal with that.

2. If he were seeing someone else the amount that he has been seeing me, I'd be impressed. It'd be tricky to keep that up. If he were seeing anyone else period, and he told me about it... well, I might be bothered by that, but I wouldn't feel that I could stop him. When I went out on a date early on with another guy, he seemed jealous. At first he said it didn't bother him because there was no exclusivity declared between us. But then he sent me two text messages while I was out on the date, asking how it was... I take that to mean that he was bothered by it.

3. For the record, I am NOT sleeping with him. Not that it's anyone's business, but I felt I should throw that out there.

4. My ex-boyfriend and I dated for a good 4 months before I started calling him my boyfriend. And we were exclusive from day 1.

5. I realize that the sheer frequency of my interactions with this guy would suggest that the relationship is quite serious. The fact is, I'm still getting to know him. And I think that he really, really wants the relationship to become serious. I'm trying to make it go a little more slowly.

6. I'm quite over my ex, but I'd like to be able to be friends with him in the future. I told him that I was breaking up with him because I wanted to be single... and I started dating this other guy about a week and a half after I became single. I'd feel really weird about having another boyfriend this quickly. So even though I really, genuinely like this guy, I'm trying to put the breaks on a bit. I haven't heard from my ex since we broke up, and I'd hate for him to finally heal enough to call me, and have to tell him that I'm in some sort of established relationship with another guy already.

7. Thank you Emcee.

8. JohnPopa, I'm guessing that means that you missed my Tony Awards Prom thread this year, too... Ah well.

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Yeah, I think the problem here is that I have no idea what page I wish to be on...

For now, perhaps I'll just keep reading.

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It's an uncomfortable spot to be in... I hope it goes well for you.

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