Don't apologize about the semantics. I really don't think that there's one commonly accepted "appropriate" term a this point.
Two of my closest friends got married last year. Because of all the friends and family across the country, they had three ceremonies -- the official wedding with the vows and exchange of the rings in Seattle (where they had met and had many friends -- 80+ made the ceremony), a reception in Iowa (where one of the couple was from and had several family members), and a cake cutting ceremony in DC (where they were currently living at the time -- they've since moved to Chicago -- where they again had many friends and family members). Incidentally, I flew to two of three.
To this day, depending on the timing and circumstance and who they're talking to, they may refer to one another as "partner," "lover," "husband," "spouse" or, still, "boyfriend." Neither has settled on an everyday terminology and frankly, they don't seem to think or worry too much about it, unless, they're in a political situation (they fought very hard in vain to get DC to issue them a marriage license) and the press is somehow involved -- then it's definitely "spouse" or "husband."
The issue of "marriage" may seem to be a rather cosmetic one to many -- gay or straight -- until one is confronted with a legal situation where the distinction actually has crucial significance. Several years ago, when I was in grad school, one of my best friends was a lesbian named Elva who had been with her "partner" Susan for some two decades. Elva had helped raise and was basically co-parent with Susan's son David from her previous marriage -- for all intents and purposes Susan and Elva had been David's parents since he was 2 years old.
One day while we were in school, Elva received a call that David (who was then 19) had been mugged and was very seriously injured and in a coma in a local hospital (he'd been clubbed in the head with a metal pipe). Elva immediately left to be by his side. Susan was out of town on a business trip. Elva got to the hospital and asked to see David. The staff asked to see her identification and after several very rude questions about who she was and what her relationship was with the "victim" she was told that she was NOT a family member and, as such, had no right to enter his hospital room or make any medical decisions on his behalf.
Just so you know, David was/is white (as is his mother, Susan); Elva is a dark-skinned Chicana -- clearly not biologically-related to David. Without going through all of the unpleasant confrontations that occurred at that point (I'm sure you can imagine the frustration and anger Elva expressed to every single nurse, doctor and administrator within shouting distance), the bottom line was that, Elva was a "non-person" to them. To them, she had absolutely no right -- legal or otherwise -- to be able to see or even receive health status of someone who had been, under most definitions, her "SON" since he was nearly an infant. And, without going into the details, there was more than a bit of homophobia going on in the situation, once the exact nature of she and Susan's and David's relationships became clear.
His biological mother, Susan, the moment Elva contacted her, rushed to the airport and managed to get to the hospital about two hours later -- at which point she AND Elva were allowed to enter David's hospital room. Thankfully, David emerged from the coma soon after (and all three are fine to this day). But, just imagine if some critical medical decisions had been needed during those hours Elva had been kept out of the room -- his family would have had absolutely no input in them.
Afterwards, they drew up various "power of attorney" documents etc..... just in case such a situation ever occurred again, but understand, this is precisely the situation gay couples (and their children) must endure all the time in this country to this day.
Aside from sheer bigotry and homophobia, there is absolutely no reason that a couple -- gay or straight -- that has been together for years, been stable, paid their taxes, been good neighbors and parents, raised their children and contributed to their community's well-being shouldn't be able to participate in that exclusive bundle of 1500+ rights, benefits and privileges that heterosexual couples receive automatically under the law when they sign their marriage licenses. It's not only unfair to them, it potentially and actually endangers the children they are raising (more than a million children presently being raised by gay and lesbian parents today).
Call it what you will -- "marriage," "domestic partnership" etc.... -- if the rights granted by that little slip of paper aren't the same for straights and gays, then ignorance and bigotry are at work and beyond the simple, reprehensible unfairness of the situation, very real lives (sometimes those of innocent children) are being endangered and put at risk.
"What a story........ everything but the bloodhounds snappin' at her rear end." -- Birdie
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"The Devil Be Hittin' Me" -- Whitney
Updated On: 6/30/05 at 04:11 AM
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