A little math for ya: PHANTOM = CRAPTASTIC

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 10:42am

Holy Mary, mother of God!

You know you're not in a good place when you find yourself thinking back fondly on Sarah Brightman's dulcet tones and forceful acting.

Appalled is the only word I can come up with for what I'm feeling today after having given 2+ hours of my life to that big, stinking pile of poo known as PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

The person who comes off best is not Lord Lloyd Weber. It's certainly not Joel Schumacher. And it cannot be Gerard Butler's agent.

No, the person who comes out of this whole sorry affair smelling like a rose (one not tied with a black ribbon, by the by) is Hal Prince. MY GOD did that man work wonders with such weak material. Every bit of the Broadway staging is magic...it actually provided chills, an arc and dramatic tension, all of which was lost in this 'film'.

How could every possible wrong choice be made???? I'm sorry, but all of those glorifying Emily Rossum's voice must be enjoying some holiday payote! Now...it's not like she can't sing. She can! And she'd make a wonderful Fiona in Pascack Valley High's production of BRIGADOON. But an overwhelming opera star she is not. She is, however, very pretty and quite a good little actress...when she has something to act.

Poor Patrick Wilson. When will this business learn that Mr. Wilson is actually an accomplished character actor in the body of a leading man??? The possibilities are endless. Why take someone who is so marvelously handsome and put him in a Rhoda Morgenstern wig? Why does someone who mined the depths of his emotions for his stirring performance in the film ANGELS IN AMERICA come off like a mannequin here??? Because there are simply NO EMOTIONS to play in this mess! Please, somebody put him in a Sam Shepherd play. STAT!!!

And then there's the role of the Phantom. If you wanted Antonio Banderas, you shoulda just gotten him. He would have done it. He was DYING to do it. And he would have been remarkable. Instead we have Gerard 'But I'm a Rock Star' Butler caterwauling through some of the very lovely melodies. I'm sorry...but it's not enough to absolve yourself of all blame by claiming you have a rock voice. Rock voices can still be GOOD!!!! Had Bowie or Sting or even...God help me...GEDDY F*CKING LEE sang the score, it would have been, at the very least, haunting...perhaps even thrilling. Instead, it was an aural attack that left me near soul dead.

As for the design...well...to quote ANGELS, 'It's all been done before.' And better, might I add. My boyfriend turned to me during the number 'Phantom of the Opera' and asked if they filmed this in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyworld. And the choreography in Masquerade made the dancing in WICKED look like opening night of WEST SIDE STORY! Horrifying.

Now...is it really fair to blame Lord Lloyd Webber? After all, he only wrote the melodies...some of which are lovely. He isn't responsible for the lyrics and the book, right?

As a matter of fact, yes he is. It's not like he's some neophyte who never had a show produced before. He has complete control over his shows and should have demanded his co-authors keep up with his standards, pedestrian though they may be. At least they're pretty!!!

I've truly never seen something go so horribly awry. Was Minnie Drive the lost Marx sister? Why the hell was Miranda Richardson (who somehow kept her head above water) using a French accent?? And was that Baby Spice as Meg Giry???

If this movie has not put the nail in the coffin of movie musicals, it certainly has it's hand on the plug, screaming "Who's on top and who's on bottom now???'

Updated On: 12/28/04 at 10:42 AM

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 10:48am

I couldn't have put it better myself.

[JohnPopa]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 10:53am

I can't think of anything more frightening than Geddy Lee singing the role of the Phantom! :)

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 10:55am

Heavens!!! It's GeDDy...not with t's???

Must fix...Many thanks, JP!

And yes...it's horrifying, isn't it?

[JohnPopa]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 10:59am

Yeah but, really, how many people on this board are going to have any idea who Geddy Lee is?

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:02am

It's my little Christmas present to those whose musical taste extends out a little further than BKLYN.

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:09am

On this board, that's about 5 people.

[Al Dente]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:10am

I know him, and don't make me start quoting lyrics from "Tom Sawyer"...Yeah, I was "straight" once too, ya know! And he would have been better, I'm sure. Robbie, I love your Rhoda/Wilson comparison.

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:12am

And one midget.

Oh God...why the midget?

Really...please. Someone tell me. WHY THE MIDGET?????

I know it sounds like an insensitive question, but I, in truth, found the use of the little person VERY offensive. I mean...huh?????

'Just let the little guy run around with a powdered face and fan...but we can't have him say a thing! Cause he's...ya know...a midget. And they're funny!!!'

Even raging megalomaniac Mike Meyers found a witty way to incorporate a little person into his Austin Powers series...and managed to make tiny Vern Troyer a star!

I shudder to think what sort of fetishes Schumacher has.

PS Al, after sharing a room with my brother, the RUSH fanatic, for nine years, I developed a true love for the bizarrely high voice of Geddy Lee. And Subdivisions ROCKS my world!

Updated On: 12/28/04 at 11:12 AM

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:13am

Completely agree with your equation and I didn't even see the movie because I was horrified by the previews on tv and the 2 minutes of pure rot I watched on HBO's behind the scenes. Awful...the singing is crap and sorry, but I think the music is crap too.

Sometimes I am unable to believe that Webber actually did Joseph & Jesus...it's time to drop the tea leaves and get back to the pot smoking Andrew!

[misterchoi]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:16am

plus the fosse dancers. YOU HAVE to mention the fosse dancers.

and the guffman quote- priceless.

Thankyou for the review, it is the only one I have read that I agree with.

[MasterLcZ]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:17am

Anthony Lane in THE NEW YORKER this week has quite a juicy take on the film, where among other things, he describes this "bellowing beast of a movie (which) looks and sounds like the extended special-edition remix of a Duran Duran video."

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:22am

Each morning I begin the day with a friendly voice, a companion unobtrusive.

And I think, well, I hope today is the day that somebody posts a witty, grown-up post on Broadwayworld. Most days this does not happen.

But today, Robbie, wow! You had me at "craptastic." I was buying the enagement rings at "Pascack Valley High's production of BRIGADOON." But by the time we got to "the lost Marx sister," well, I'm ready to bear your twins.

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:22am

But robbiej, did you like it?

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:22am

That is an insult to Duran Duran fans EVERYWHERE, Master!

Hungry like the wolf, indeed!

The Fosse dancers in Masquerade were topped only by the chorus from KISS OF THE SPIDERWOMAN that appeared during 'Point of No Return.'

It was then that I realized I was being punished for something.

Namo...let's get to work making them babies!!!

Updated On: 12/28/04 at 11:22 AM

[JohnPopa]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:23am

Anthony Lane is being unfair to Duran Duran.

(And I even enjoyed 'Phantom' as b-grade schlock.)

[CurtainUp2]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:24am

YES. YES. YES. You articulated so much of what I was thinking. I just can't imagine anyone willingly sitting through this mess a second time. If I had a rope with me, I would have hung myself right there in the theatre!

I posted this short review on another thread.

I saw it this afternoon and thought it was an unmitigated disaster! Completely uninspired, entirely miscast, poorly directed, overly long, lacking any real feeling or emotion, and DULL, DULL, DULL!!! What a major disappointment! Absolutley nothing about it impressed me in the least. (With the exception of Minnie Driver, whose performance I found amusing.) And after hearing how visually beautiful it was, I wasn't even knocked out by the look of it. The colors were muted, the set design was stale (had a "seen it all before" look to it), and the costumes, for the most part, were nothing to write home about. This is one movie musical that I would never subject myself to sitting through a second time. I barely made it through the first.

Updated On: 12/28/04 at 11:24 AM

[DBillyP]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:28am

I think Madonna choreographed "Masquerade."

C'mon, Vogue!

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:32am

Bite your tounge!

Perhaps Oliver, the 'straight' back-up dancer from the Blond Ambition tour choreographed...but certainly not Madge!!!

[MasterLcZ]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 11:36am

I think Mr. Lane had just a wee bit too much FUN writing this...:)
Anthony Lane Savors the Phantom

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 12:12pm

Not since Pauline Kael's decimation of The Sound of Music.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 12:34pm

I bow to you, robbiej. That was the best review I've ever read. And I haven't even seen the flick.

Posted: 12/28/04 at 12:45pm

This is the greatest review I have ever read!!!! You cracked me up. I have not yet seen the film, probably will just because it's a movie musical(!), but am prepared for the worst.

P.S.- you are a great writer... you should be a journalist or critic!

[robbiej]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 12:51pm

Rath/Bdwybaby!

You are too kind!!!! And I wish I could take credit...but when something is so bad, these reviews truly write themselves.

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 12/28/04 at 1:35pm

"Rhoda Morgenstern wig"

Oh, robbie, I could spank you for making me laugh so hard!

And, if M had choreographed, there would have been yoga poses. No, this was definitely the work of one of her wannabes!