Difficult coming out situation...

Ok, I've been struggling with it a lot recently and after the recent surge of coming out threads here, it's brought it even closer to my attention and thought maybe you guys could lend an ear and your thoughts?

Basically my situation is that my Mum is fighting a losing battle with cancer without a whole lot of time, and ideally I'd like to be open about being gay before its too late and I regret it. The problem is that she's not often 'all there' with the pain/drugs etc. and finds it hard to hold a conversation or understand whats going on, and on good days will be quiet (but responsive) at best. I'm not sure how a 'serious' conversation would go down, if she would even remember it at all.

Plus theres the issue of causing unnecessary stress, as much as I'd like to believe the news wouldn't be too traumatic...I have to take into account that she's not the most liberal person in the world and I don't know how she'd take it.

I also don't want it to seem that I'm attention seeking, or causing unnecessary drama when in the circumstances such a thing is of little importance.

I guess it comes down to...in the grand scheme of things, is stressing her out with this when (I hope) it isn't a big deal, a good thing for her/us or just selfish? Would it be best to try and talk about it, even if it doesn't sink in or gain response? What if she does respond, but it's negative and I'm left with that as the lasting memory? Should I just leave it and come out in the future, and hope that upon marriage/having kids she would have approved?

There's also the issue of if it DOES sink in, she'll blurt it out randomly in front of others...so I'll need to come out to the entire family at the same time...which may not be the right time to do so.

I would ask friends, but none of my closer friends are gay and (fortunately) have no point of reference for this kind of terminal situation...plus, as silly as it sounds...I feel unloading all this emotional mess onto their shoulders as kind of unfair.

I asked about constructing a memory book for my mother a few weeks back, and the responses I got were very helpful (she loved it btw) so...thoughts? I'm kind of at a loss here...

(I'm 20 btw, and she's in her 50's if that helps...)

Updated On: 12/29/09 at 10:37 PM

Yeah, I probably should talk to my friends, only a few of them know (which is a whole other problem - I'm not great with dishing out such personal information, as much as I do regard them as close friends) but even they don't know the seriousness of the situation or this coming out issue.

Not really sure how I'm going to tell everyone actually, it would be a bit much if they found out upon them discovering my Mum had passed away. It's just, I don't want to constantly be reminded or asked about it and seen as the guy with this going on. I guess it's selfish to an extent, but as you said - it's a lot to deal with.

My Dad, I think, would be ok with it. He knows gay/transgendered people through work and theatre...so in that respect he's more easy going, but the reality of having a gay son I'm not sure. I have a younger brother, but we're not close. If anything I think he may have a problem with it most because we went to school together and rumours went around causing him to get flack from it...not sure if he believed though.

There isn't a special someone, but there is that feeling of seeking approval for the future. But then I counteract that with thinking, coming out can rock a family...and tying that with loosing a family member may be too much change and cause a rift. In this situation it really isn't just me coming out, it's everyones emotions at a troubled time.

In most cases, coming out doesn't rock a family. However, the process does often take focussed family attention and sometimes causes anxiety which dissipates over time depending on the emotional resources the individuals in the family have. I think you have to weigh whether "seeking approval for the future" is worth adding to the family stress.

What Phyllis said is right, try coming out to a close friend and if she says, "No kidding, I've known forever and have just been waiting for you to tell me," you'd probably be able to count on a similar reaction in most family members.

But I think I would give up the notion of getting approval for the future. You don't really NEED that. And if your family is unable to give that for any reason you will go on and have your future with or without their explicit endorsement.

Is knowing which way that would go THAT important to you at this time in your family's life? If you answer ABSOLUTELY, then I guess you know what you have to do.

---

This might seem glib in light of the other thoughtful responses, but my immediate reaction was that this time is about her, not you. Your life will continue, and you have the ability to construct it as you deem fit.

I personally think your only parameter at this point - concerning her - is what will make her passage as easy and peaceful as possible.

"Basically my situation is that my Mum is fighting a losing battle with cancer without a whole lot of time, and ideally I'd like to be open about being gay before its too late and I regret it. The problem is that she's not often 'all there' with the pain/drugs etc. and finds it hard to hold a conversation or understand whats going on, and on good days will be quiet (but responsive) at best. I'm not sure how a 'serious' conversation would go down, if she would even remember it at all."

Reading through this paragraph here, I recognize the stage of the journey your mother has reached. No words, just love her...

---

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.

Unfortunately, she passed away this morning. It was the first time I'd seen her since posting this (she went into hospital last night, but she wasn't too bad considering, so it was a shock) and she couldn't speak, but did try to look me in the eyes. We were there for about 5-10 minutes before she let go, we think she held on to say goodbye. It was quiet and quick.

I know I probably shouldn't be posting so soon, but I felt I needed to do something, however trivial. I guess I'm going into some sort of grieving mode.

I am so, so, so sorry. *HUGS*

---

Allow yourself this grief. Allow yourself the coming to terms with this grief. You have a very difficult two years ahead. Listen to the one who stands within.

My deepest heartfelt condolences to you and your family at this very sad time...

---

Q is right. I'm glad he said it nicely. I wasn't going to be so nice.

I agree. It is a serious question with good intentions. It's the same thing as when someone dies and later the person living asks, "Should I have told them?" He was just asking it prior to her passing.


Taboo - Don't worry about all of this now. Just remember all of the great times you and your mom had. Your family is in my prayers

---

Updated On: 12/30/09 at 09:54 AM

PalJoey, I thought your previous post was lovely.

Taboo, turn off the computer and be present with your family at this important time.

---

taboo, your last post had me near tears. I am so sorry about what has transpired and I hope you grow and become a stronger and more confident person because of this. Most mother know, I'm sure she knew.I'm sorry Taboo.

Taboo, I am so sorry for your loss. The most important thing (at least to me) was that you were with your mom in the end, and she knew she was loved (as did you).

I hope the new year is a better one for you and your family.