Difficult coming out situation...

[toanythingtaboo 2]

Posted: 12/29/09 at 10:37pm

Ok, I've been struggling with it a lot recently and after the recent surge of coming out threads here, it's brought it even closer to my attention and thought maybe you guys could lend an ear and your thoughts?

Basically my situation is that my Mum is fighting a losing battle with cancer without a whole lot of time, and ideally I'd like to be open about being gay before its too late and I regret it. The problem is that she's not often 'all there' with the pain/drugs etc. and finds it hard to hold a conversation or understand whats going on, and on good days will be quiet (but responsive) at best. I'm not sure how a 'serious' conversation would go down, if she would even remember it at all.

Plus theres the issue of causing unnecessary stress, as much as I'd like to believe the news wouldn't be too traumatic...I have to take into account that she's not the most liberal person in the world and I don't know how she'd take it.

I also don't want it to seem that I'm attention seeking, or causing unnecessary drama when in the circumstances such a thing is of little importance.

I guess it comes down to...in the grand scheme of things, is stressing her out with this when (I hope) it isn't a big deal, a good thing for her/us or just selfish? Would it be best to try and talk about it, even if it doesn't sink in or gain response? What if she does respond, but it's negative and I'm left with that as the lasting memory? Should I just leave it and come out in the future, and hope that upon marriage/having kids she would have approved?

There's also the issue of if it DOES sink in, she'll blurt it out randomly in front of others...so I'll need to come out to the entire family at the same time...which may not be the right time to do so.

I would ask friends, but none of my closer friends are gay and (fortunately) have no point of reference for this kind of terminal situation...plus, as silly as it sounds...I feel unloading all this emotional mess onto their shoulders as kind of unfair.

I asked about constructing a memory book for my mother a few weeks back, and the responses I got were very helpful (she loved it btw) so...thoughts? I'm kind of at a loss here...

(I'm 20 btw, and she's in her 50's if that helps...)
Updated On: 12/29/09 at 10:37 PM

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/29/09 at 10:48pm

Wow. That's a lot to be dealing with.

First off, don't count out your friends. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask for advice on here, but I'd strongly recommend finding a counterpart in your non-online life to confide in.

What's the rest of your family situation? Father? Do you have a sibling you could confide in first?

I don't know what to tell you, though, honestly. It sounds like you've pretty much looked at it from both sides.

Here's what I think I think - Unless you are dating someone special that you want your mom to meet, I'd probably say don't do it.

[toanythingtaboo 2]

Posted: 12/29/09 at 11:15pm

Yeah, I probably should talk to my friends, only a few of them know (which is a whole other problem - I'm not great with dishing out such personal information, as much as I do regard them as close friends) but even they don't know the seriousness of the situation or this coming out issue.

Not really sure how I'm going to tell everyone actually, it would be a bit much if they found out upon them discovering my Mum had passed away. It's just, I don't want to constantly be reminded or asked about it and seen as the guy with this going on. I guess it's selfish to an extent, but as you said - it's a lot to deal with.

My Dad, I think, would be ok with it. He knows gay/transgendered people through work and theatre...so in that respect he's more easy going, but the reality of having a gay son I'm not sure. I have a younger brother, but we're not close. If anything I think he may have a problem with it most because we went to school together and rumours went around causing him to get flack from it...not sure if he believed though.

There isn't a special someone, but there is that feeling of seeking approval for the future. But then I counteract that with thinking, coming out can rock a family...and tying that with loosing a family member may be too much change and cause a rift. In this situation it really isn't just me coming out, it's everyones emotions at a troubled time.

[singtopher]

Posted: 12/29/09 at 11:32pm

It seems like your father would be a good person to talk to. If he is fine with all of the gay people in his life as you seem to say, then I'm sure he'll be fine with having a gay son. Hopefully your mother's situation is keeping things in perspective for him and he'll know how lucky he is to have you in his life, gay, straight, or whatever. Furthermore, he also know your mother well and can give you sound advice on how to approach the situation.

Personally, I would make sure to tell your mother. You will cope much better knowing your mother got to know who you are.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/29/09 at 11:34pm

In most cases, coming out doesn't rock a family. However, the process does often take focussed family attention and sometimes causes anxiety which dissipates over time depending on the emotional resources the individuals in the family have. I think you have to weigh whether "seeking approval for the future" is worth adding to the family stress.

What Phyllis said is right, try coming out to a close friend and if she says, "No kidding, I've known forever and have just been waiting for you to tell me," you'd probably be able to count on a similar reaction in most family members.

But I think I would give up the notion of getting approval for the future. You don't really NEED that. And if your family is unable to give that for any reason you will go on and have your future with or without their explicit endorsement.

Is knowing which way that would go THAT important to you at this time in your family's life? If you answer ABSOLUTELY, then I guess you know what you have to do.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 12:24am

Mothers of closeted gay children often worry, not that their child is gay--that's not really part of the thought process--but they worry deeply that their child will be lonely or unloved.

Perhaps an easier conversation to start would be to reassure her that although you'll miss her deeply and think of her constantly, you won't be lonely. Tell her you love your father (and any siblings you didn't mention) and you love your friends and you won't be lonely.

If she's lucid and she asks if you're gay, you can tell her. If she's foggy and just listens, it will sink in to whatever degree she needs it to.

If she asks a gender-less question, like "Are you seeing someone special?" you can say, "No. Not now. But you've shown me how to love someone, and I know there'll be someone soon."

If she listens to that but doesn't ask if you're gay, you can decide if you want to bring that up in a subsequent conversation. Don't make it about "seeking approval," just keep it about staying connected.

Meanwhile, the people to talk to are sympathetic allies, which might not include your father or anyone else who might be going through their own overwhelming anticipatory grief.

Remember, the goal is not to co-opt your mother's end-of-life process or to hide from your own grief behind the process of coming out. But sometimes life slams you with two big things to deal with at once. (Often, actually.) How you balance them informs your character for the rest of your life.

See if you can invite your mother to want to know who you really are before she passes. She might surprise you. Just do it gently.

Updated On: 12/30/09 at 12:24 AM

[Q]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 1:50am

This might seem glib in light of the other thoughtful responses, but my immediate reaction was that this time is about her, not you. Your life will continue, and you have the ability to construct it as you deem fit.

I personally think your only parameter at this point - concerning her - is what will make her passage as easy and peaceful as possible.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 6:40am

I am sorry about your mom.

I agree with Q. Why did you wait until NOW to tell her? If she has a bad reaction and passes soon after you will be carrying that around for the rest of your life, "I killed mom when I told her I was gay!". Let it go and make her final days as stress free and comfortable as possible. Even if she wouldn't have a problem with it, if there is someone in your family who might, it could cause undue stress in the already stressful situation.

[BWF]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 7:45am

"Basically my situation is that my Mum is fighting a losing battle with cancer without a whole lot of time, and ideally I'd like to be open about being gay before its too late and I regret it. The problem is that she's not often 'all there' with the pain/drugs etc. and finds it hard to hold a conversation or understand whats going on, and on good days will be quiet (but responsive) at best. I'm not sure how a 'serious' conversation would go down, if she would even remember it at all."

Reading through this paragraph here, I recognize the stage of the journey your mother has reached. No words, just love her...

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 8:33am

Sorry to hear about your Mom and your struggle.

My Mom had passed away before I came out and I never once regretted her not knowing. My mother loved her children unconditionally like most mothers do. I believe mothers know if their child is gay, some even before the child figures it out. If your mother wanted/needed to know the truth she would have asked you by now. Enjoy the time you have with your mom. Show her the love you feel for her,make her smile and laugh...this is what you will always remember. She already knows who you are and loves you no matter what.

[toanythingtaboo 2]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 8:34am

Thank you all for your responses and kind words.

Unfortunately, she passed away this morning. It was the first time I'd seen her since posting this (she went into hospital last night, but she wasn't too bad considering, so it was a shock) and she couldn't speak, but did try to look me in the eyes. We were there for about 5-10 minutes before she let go, we think she held on to say goodbye. It was quiet and quick.

I know I probably shouldn't be posting so soon, but I felt I needed to do something, however trivial. I guess I'm going into some sort of grieving mode.

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 8:37am

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Mom and you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 8:42am

I am so, so, so sorry. *HUGS*

[StockardFan]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 9:03am

Oh taboo, I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[BWF]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 9:23am

Allow yourself this grief. Allow yourself the coming to terms with this grief. You have a very difficult two years ahead. Listen to the one who stands within.

My deepest heartfelt condolences to you and your family at this very sad time...

[singtopher]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 9:40am

I'm terribly sorry, dear. My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.

[nmartin]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 9:49am

Q is right. I'm glad he said it nicely. I wasn't going to be so nice.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 9:53am

That's cause you're a douche.

Sorry about your mom, taboo.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 9:54am

I agree. It is a serious question with good intentions. It's the same thing as when someone dies and later the person living asks, "Should I have told them?" He was just asking it prior to her passing.


Taboo - Don't worry about all of this now. Just remember all of the great times you and your mom had. Your family is in my prayers

Updated On: 12/30/09 at 09:54 AM

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 10:03am

I'm so sorry.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 10:06am

PalJoey, I thought your previous post was lovely.

Taboo, turn off the computer and be present with your family at this important time.

[dramamama611]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 10:06am

Nobody thinks any less of you for being here at this difficult time. You need to find solace where you can, and things to keep you busy. If, in any way, typing and reading on this or any site brings you some comfort or distraction then it is exactly where you need to be.

I'm sorry for your loss, it's particularly tough at this time of year. May I offer these words of wisdom for the future? The next few years will be difficult at the holidays because of this sad happening. However, in the more distant future you can be comforted to know that she will always be in your thoughts at the holidays. My very beloved grandma passed ON my birthday. At first it seemed like the worst possible timing, but after a few years, I knew I'd be the only one that would always remember precisely when she left this earth. I knew that I would always have her in my thoughts....at least once a year, although she's there in my thoughts much more often. It is no longer painful to have the two coincide, but peaceful and even private.

As for you worrying about whether you would have her "blessing" or understanding....don't. She only wants for you to be happy...in any way that happens.

You are in my thoughts today and in the days to come.

[Patti_LuPone_Fan]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 11:23am

taboo, your last post had me near tears. I am so sorry about what has transpired and I hope you grow and become a stronger and more confident person because of this. Most mother know, I'm sure she knew.I'm sorry Taboo.

[SNAFU]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 11:40am

Mothers I have know with gay children seem to have a sixth sense about it. It may never be spoken but they are aware of their children's orientation. Some actually have a hard time when it is confirmed and then when all doubt is removed take time to come to terms with it.
Sorry to hear of your Mom's passing Taboo. On some level is is a blessing that her pain and struggle is over. Take the time to grieve, carry her with you, and make her proud. Be the best person you can be and be true to yourself. That is the most that any parent could hope for!

[YouWantitWhen????]

Posted: 12/30/09 at 11:47am

Taboo, I am so sorry for your loss. The most important thing (at least to me) was that you were with your mom in the end, and she knew she was loved (as did you).

I hope the new year is a better one for you and your family.