*buries head in hands* I can't take much more of this.
My younger brother has a really nasty temper when he doesn't get his way, and when it flares, it puts everyone else at odds with each other. Last night, when we fought, it was on the grounds that I should give in to and abide by his rules because "I live in this house more than you do, whore." He told my mom about it this morning, but made up some story about how I lunged at him and "beat" him. She yelled at me and said I need to be less confrontational.
Before he got into his mood, he said he wanted to go upstate to see this orchestra perform, and I really would've liked that, but now that he's in such a nasty mood, I don't want to spend any time with him. So I told my parents no, but that wasn't good, because they'd get mad at me for not going and ruining the "family time" thing. So then I said I would go, because then they wouldn't be mad at me for not going, and besides, if I didn't go, I'd be stranded at home, alone anyway. That wasn't good enough either, because my mom said I should *want* to spend time with them. So then she decided not to go at all, which of course would mean that my family could now hold me responsible for ruining their night. I said the three of them should go, and I wouldn't ruin their time, but *that* wasn't okay either, because I already f'ed everything up and now no one was going.
I tried to fix it, but my mom and I just ended up screaming at each other. This is why I never come home -- I just can't be satisfactory, even if I try. Everything I do and say is wrong. I slammed the door, which my mother has now half-removed from its hinge. She basically threatened to stab me with the screw-driver while doing so, and threatened to kick me out of the house, literally leaving me with my bags outside in the cold. I told her that this is exactly why I never come home, and after she gave me an argument a month ago about being hurt that I don't come home often, she told me that I shouldn't bother ever coming home again. She got all upset and said that she thought this would be a pleasant week, but of course it isn't because I'm still the same brat I was last year -- and in my eyes, it isn't going to be any fun because I can never, ever do anything right. I will never please my family. I don't know what they want from me, but nothing I offer is okay.
I have no one to spend New Years' Eve with, either. I feel terribly awkward around all of my old friends, because living in the city has changed me so much.
I truly have no place here anymore, save for the physical space enclosed by my bedroom walls. I just can't do this anymore. I don't belong here.
I hope you all are having a nice Christmas Eve, though. Hannukah starts tomorrow night, but I can't imagine that will be very nice.
A work of art is an invitation to love.
Updated On: 12/24/05 at 02:46 PM
Hopefully I'll at least get to take my friend to it in DC. 
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