Why Do Some Gay Men Want to Out Other Gay Men?- Page 6

[cheezedoodle]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 1:53pm

It would not matter Namo - because the ignorant just don't care.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 1:55pm

PJ - I was just thinking the same thing.

Every time I'm about to say something here, it just gets worse. SO I just sit back and watch. Implosions are interesting to watch from afar.

Posted: 4/11/07 at 1:56pm

"I'm the less filling/tastes great gay."

And here I thought it was the "good Gays" who were MORE filling! Maybe that's the "Great Gays."

[soapguy17]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:07pm

Oh, Wow.

[robbiej]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:35pm

I usually don't do this...but this IS the best thread ever.

I wish I had an eight ball and a box of wine with me, just to enjoy it further...and possibly even figure out what's going on!

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:40pm

I knew someone was going to call me on that, Joe...you must be one of them size queens!

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:41pm

Robbie, do you mean that magic eight ball fortune thingy that you ask questions such as, "Magic Eight Ball, will Nomdeplume ever get a clue?" and you turn it over and it says something like, "Highly unlikely at this time!"? That kind of eight ball?

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:41pm

oh god, no, robbie, don't ruin it by trying to understand it. just watch it and marvel.

[robbiej]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:44pm

Alas, Sueleen, the eight ball I'm referring to is the kind that leads to
THIS

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:45pm

Well it is apparent that his hairdresser is not gay.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:48pm

Y'all need to borrow my Magic Date Ball

[cheezedoodle]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:48pm

"An eight ball and a box of wine"

Someone get Tim McGraw on the phone - we have his next Country hit!

[Calvin]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:48pm

Is that a bead?

[robbiej]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:49pm

Please...someone get Tim McGraw on me. He's so sexy, it makes my na-na hurt.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:52pm

oh pahleez louise, your na na hurt when you watched Quick Draw McGraw

[PalJoey]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:56pm

That Queeeck Draw--heeee's hot.

Posted: 4/11/07 at 2:58pm

And I hear he's hung like-- well, I think it's obvious!

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:01pm

I always wondered what "na-na na-na, na-na na-na, hey hey hey, goodbye" meant!

[StickToPriest]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:15pm

I don't think that nom's question in this thread is homophobic at all. I don't know enough about him/her to say whether s/he is, but I don't think the question is.

Just some of my responses to comments:

"If you are scared to come out to your parents, you shouldn't be. You have to live your own life, not live for your parents."

That's a very poor statement. Yeah. In a perfect world, no one should be scared to come out to their parents. But in a perfect world, Palestinians and Israelis would join hands in the street singing 'We Are The World." We don't live in a perfect world. Maybe a closted gay isn't ready to tell his parents for a number of reasons. And if he doesn't want to, if he wants to wait until he is more ready, that is his perogative. They may not be valid reasons for you, but it is not your decision to make. You may think the person will be better off if he just came out and told them and you very well may be right, but that doesn't give you the right to do something so drastic to another person's life.


"Each and every one of those "reasons" ( I prefer the term "excuses") has to do with self loathing and internalized homophobia"

Self-loathing? Way to harsh. When I first came to accept I was gay, did I hate myself? No. I went through denial and greif for a bit, but I think that is normal, especially for a kid. But even when I came out to myself, it took time to come out to people I knew and I did it in stages. When I was ready for the next step. Just because someone is not ready to come out totally and completely does not at all mean that they have internalized homophobia or that they are self-loathing. And to say so is, I think, very ignorant and very unsupportive. Because of our society, coming out is a process. To say that because a person doesn't want to jump from step 1 of the process to step 10 doesn't mean that they are homophobic/self-loathing. Outing someone, or taking steps 2 through 9 away from them, is rude, bitchy and in all sorts of ways wrong. The process may have been quicker for you, but that doesn't mean people should come out and transtition their lives according to your own timetable. To think they should is arrogant.




And, like DG, I do not think any of this applies to politicians or other high profile individuals who are anti-gay. Outing them is a different issue and, in my opinion, entirely justified.

[robbiej]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:25pm

Priest,

I can only speak for myself, though I do think others in this thread are probably coming from the same place I am.

When reading this, I was not considering gay youth. I'm pretty sure no one on this thread would ever out a teenager who is still going through their steps towards acceptance. I think that would be reprehensible because most teenagers are still under their parents rules. And, unfortunately, there are parents who would kick a child out for being gay.

I'm responding as an adult about adults. And, to be even more specific, I'm responding to the idea of an adult leading some sort of gay lifestyle, but lying about it.

Now...I don't take it upon myself to out...for the most part. I just find it funny that if you are living as an out adult with a boyfriend, and then get a major network series, and THEN send an email to all your friends begging them to keep their mouths shut because they will be publically pretend their straight, that you would expect to actually get away with it. Or that you can demonize gays on the floor of the House, even co-sponsoring legislation to 'protect children', and then hit on teenage male pages, and expect to get away with it.

[StickToPriest]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:28pm

Fair enough. I guess since I'm 18 I just approached it from a different perspective than the rest of you.

[colleen_lee]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:31pm

There are many adults who are not yet at the point of acceptance. I think everyone really does need their own time to not only figure out who they are, but come to terms with it, and come out when they really securely understand themselves.

I am 24 and just in the last year I've had 5 friends who have only now come out to me.

Granted, with most of them, I've known they were gay since they were about 6....but they've only just now begun to accept it themselves and verbalize it.

Some of them are out to their parents, some of them are not (which I don't fully understand how their parents don't already know....cause really...they are SOOOOOOOOO gay). I have no doubt that they will all eventually come out to their parents but I am certainly not in any position to dictate whom they should be out to and at what pace they should move.

Some people just need time. I don't see what is wrong with that.

[robbiej]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:39pm

Listen...I'm not going to go around, telling people that some guy is gay because he 'pings' my gaydar.

The point is, if someone is living a sexually-active gay life, should those of us who know about it be complicit in whatever lie they tell to keep themselves closeted?

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:41pm

I love to be "pinged"

[PalJoey]

Posted: 4/11/07 at 3:41pm

For those coming out, I recommend this book again, as I have dozens of times on this board. The author's point is that you should never out yourself into an unsafe situation. You should always begin with a network of support, whether from friends or sympathetic siblings or even an online community like this one.

And the first person I would hope would order a copy and read it cover to cover, to help her understand both Good Gays and Bad Gays, hairdressers, teenagers and men on the down-low: nomdeplume

nomdeplume
Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers