I would like to give my thoughts in the style of parody lyrics, thus:
There was a time when rhymes were rhymes
And orchestrations weren't soft
Tempo changes weren't biting
There was a time when pitch was right
And a song was a song
Songs which had no re-writing
There was a time...
Then the movie came.
(Segue to)
HUGH VALJEAN:
Enter Monsieur, please take your seat
But not too close, or you'll see what we eat
The shoot was no fun but this cast's so diverse
Screenings will sell 'til cheques break my purse.
Have you seen the show? Tears flowed from your eyes?
Well here's a Les Misérables you won't re-cog-nise...
Music you can't hear!
Cuts you won't believe!
Claude-Michel and Alain watched it once and heaved.
Con-tin-u-i-ty? What the hell is that?
Fauchelevent is gardening after being crushed flat!
What's the rule-of-thumb in theatre?
"Must be faithful to the text."
Well, that doesn't matter. Here's a bit of what you can expect...
Marius, quite good
Enjolras, just wood
Cosette, much less vibrato, only if she could!
Here, a sweeping view. There, extreme close up.
Looks like he directed it with his eyes shut!
When it came to making Les Mis
Tom used ev'ry trick he knows
Most of ya won't like it
Well, get on yer bike it's
Worth destroying hist'ry for the gross!!!
ENSEMBLE (SEWING AND LOADING RIFLES IN PERFECT RHYTHM):
Les Mis On The Screen!
Hear non-singers sing!
Javert should be a baritone but tone-deaf zings!
Hugh's easy to watch
There it's either just
Wide-eyed-looks-of-shock or chest-hair-bared-in-lust
Russell said we'd join the students
But he joined them by himself
Then he goes and pins a medal onto Gavroche the blonde elf.
FANTANNE HATHAWAY:
I used to dream that I would play Fantine
But now this movie's gone and killed the Dream I Dreamed...
Les Mis on the screen? Should have been a hit.
Decades of great theatre now reduced to ****.
Doesn't Valjean age? Why not grey his hair?
'Bring Him Home' falsetto? Well it's just not there.
Wish I'd run it by my agent...
Tom and this Ben Hur of his...
God knows how's I've lasted acting in this bastardized Les Mis!
BOTH:
Les Mis On The Screen.
Les Mis played for laughs!
Leaves you warm and fuzzy!
Get those whores a scarf!
Swim around in poo...
Swim until you drown...
Some guy steals a loaf of bread and **** goes down!
Everybody go and see it.
Just to say that it you've seen.
Everybody raise a glass!
Raise it up Tom Hooper's arse!
And make sure you use the bathroom
Before Les Mis On The Screen.