Why help a kid get into AMDA when you can pay for Jamie McGonnigal’s wedding? - Page 6

[nygrl232]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 12:16am

I'm glad Jamie's happy, and that anyone is happy. The world needs happy. It's unclear why his dream to be married would be considered against his activism--there isn't much else BUT the traditional structures to go by. The genders are different, is all.

Know what else is traditional? Saving for your own wedding. A good rule of thumb for all engaged couples to keep in mind is that they are the only ones who really, ultimately give a darn about their nuptials. No one else cares. People will buy a gift, show up, get emotional, be supportive with the usual boundaries, but you can't really go beyond that.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 12:32am

I think what I am trying to say, and maybe not very articulately, is that one would hope that one who has worked so tirelessly for the rights of his community has learned to throw off the cultural oppression that has marginalized him, learned to find the strength and love within himself and then proceeded from there. Instead, he seems to have been waiting for the ability to get married to provide that for him, which I think is sad. And apparently, he has been feeling completely oppressed and less than since he was ten years old all because of the fact that he simply would not be allowed to get married someday, which I think is probably just the queenly hyperbole of a blogger. I don't believe this has been underlying his every thought since pre-puberty.

Anybody who has been out about their sexuality has found plenty of role models for any kind of relationship structure they desired, people who showed that against the odds of no mainstream cultural approval, they had successful loving relationships.

Updated On: 12/8/12 at 12:32 AM

[nygrl232]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 12:57am

Ah, okay. I'm a bit slow on the uptake. And also, admittedly, someone who can buy into that same way of thinking sometimes--feeling like a good relationship will fix your world. Not healthy.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 12:58am

THAT's the parallel story to the donations request, isn't it?

[EricMontreal22]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 1:00am

Namo, I think you were perfectly clear, and I agree. Obviously you're not saying he shouldn't want to have a traditional frills and all wedding. But the fact they seem hung up on having one (and they do, IMHO--otherwise this wouldn't be worth humiliating themselves to ask strangers for money and throw in mild guilt trip phrases to try to make it a gay issue), is what I find to be the issue.

It is disappointing that since he was ten, and with all the exposure to gay issues he's had since then, his be all and end all dream seems to be to have a big white and lace wedding.

[cupcake3]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 1:20am

Yeah, EricM, but the point IS, is that they're Not humiliated, as are other, equally NOT humiliated people, who use these funding websites, as if they were a piggy banks for personal wants, not for legit fund raising projects. They are actually proud to beg for $$$$ from strangers.

On a personal note, I needed 5,000 for something very important and saved it over only 4 yrs, on a measly salary. "Good things come to those who wait". 25/wk automatic transfer from checking to savings acct. Not that hard when you save first, off the top, THEN pay bills or spend.

Updated On: 12/8/12 at 01:20 AM

[Kad]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 3:21am

What happens if they don't raise enough, anyway? Do they just not get married?

[JerseyGirl2]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 5:43am

Of COURSE I wanted a big traditional wedding when I was a little girl. When I realized that might never happen for me, it hurt. THEN, when I met my other half, it felt pretty simple. The wedding didn't matter at all. The marriage did. We went to a little courthouse, said our vows with a wacky officiant who couldn't seem to get the gender part or our names correct and then shared the same last name. We came home to our little house and our little cat, drank champagne and ate cake and just enjoyed being together. There were a few details I would change, if I could, but none of those things could be changed by money. If we had the money and support, in retrospect, I would just want a reception, a few days later. The big wedding ceremony was a childhood fantasy. I get that some will always want that, but it can be done without spending money you don't have.

I have seen SO many friends put themselves in debt for their dream wedding. Honestly, I never went to a really expensive until I moved to NJ. In the South, my friends usually married in their church and then had a small reception nearby with finger foods or a buffet. They might even have pot luck. It was cozy. In NY, my friend and his fiancee were a very weird couple. His family hated her. Her family hated him. Most of his friends didn't like her. They just didn't seem to fit. (I swear to God, we tried! We faked it.) They did the big wedding in the chapel of his prep school, reception at a beautiful rented hall, she HAD to have a platinum ring set, they had the full service meal and open bar. They had their first married fight in the limo on the way to the reception. They paid for everything themselves, mostly on credit. They bought a house they couldn't afford right before the wedding. The marriage lasted four years. They lost money selling the house and they still owe debt from the wedding. What was the point?

My parents and grandparents married at City Hall. They have been married 38 and 65 years, respectively. It's the marriage that matters. Do what you or your parents can afford. No more!

Updated On: 12/8/12 at 05:43 AM

[nygrl232]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 7:40am

Your wedding sounds nice, JerseyGirl. It's true, people's egos can sometimes go into overdrive trying to make it look like happily ever after, when two seconds of quiet honesty would save them a lot of time and money and energy.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 11:10am

We came home to our little house and our little cat, drank champagne and ate cake and just enjoyed being together.

That sounds perfect. Mazel tov.

[Plum]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 12:28pm

Hey, you know what, if someone wants a big-ass extravagant wedding, good for them. I'm all for choices, even if I disagree with them. I'm less for disguising that choice as the kind of political statement strangers should be donating their money for.

Not being able to get married because your spouse is the wrong sex is oppression; not being able to have your Cape Cod dream wedding because you lack the money is just life. If I'm going to donate on the gay marriage issue I'd rather put that money towards changing the legal landscape for more same-sex couples.

(And as someone born in Israel, count me as a profound fan of the cheap-ass, simple civil wedding that doesn't involve twisting yourself into pretzels so the rabbinate approves your union. Everyone should be allowed that choice, too.)

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 2:09pm

If I'm going to donate on the gay marriage issue I'd rather put that money towards changing the legal landscape for more same-sex couples.

Amen.

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 12/8/12 at 2:11pm

Why is it that the stories about these groups, which were set up to do good things, always turns out to be some sort of money making scam for those working on it? I have donated my time to so many fund raisers, thinking I was helping out. Turns out the people I was helping are the people producing and running the benefits.

They always seem to line their pockets, just fine.

It's disgusting.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 1:10pm

I feel like I'd better make a donation to The Trevor Project in case anybody's 10-year-old selves are getting seriously depressed.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:03pm

I only have this to say about this situation.

As I wrote on my Facebook wall the day the President expressed his personal support for marriage equality, I am someone who experienced 'Till death do us part' before he actually got to experience 'I do.'

David and I thought it was very important to be able to get married in our home state (New York). We fought for the right to marry in this state, and it seemed like just a matter of time before we'd be able to be the one thing we most desperately wanted: married. We didn't feel that it was right to have to go to another state or another country to tie the knot. And we had all the time in the world.

And then, two years ago, out of the blue, he had an aneurysm and died. The only regret I have in my life is that he did not die as my legal husband.

To everyone out there who is falling into the wedding trap and looking to spend tens of thousands of dollars because, for some reason you think that is what is important, I tell you you're being an idiot. Your wedding doesn't matter. No one really wants to go...right? I mean...every time we're invited to a wedding, we all get a little cranky, don't we.

Being married is what's important. Trust me on this one. Because, one day, I'll get to stand with someone I love and become married. But (and I hate this) in my heart of hearts, I will always know it's the second-best wedding I could have.

F*CK all this wedding bull****. Really and truly. It is the least important part of your life together as a couple.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:10pm

I would have much rather gone to your wedding than David's funeral, I swear to you I wouldn't have been cranky. But your post and the links to the Washington state weddings really foreground what's important and what should be prioritized.

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:12pm

Though...if we're talking titty, as funerals go it was pretty entertaining...with a nice spread.

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:19pm

High-end liquor I hope!

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:20pm

The only cocktail I remember was the mix of the white dolls and the blue dolls!

Alice Ripley may miss the mountains, but, gurl, I miss the Valley.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:26pm

Robbie - Amen! to all you said.

And, yes, David's funeral was pretty entertaining. We've all said he would have loved it.

XOXO

Updated On: 12/12/12 at 02:26 PM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:29pm

Damn you, Robbie and Namo, you got me all choked up in front of my coworkers! Well said, both of you.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:34pm

I just bumped the '60 Moments' - Washington Wedding thread, in case anyone missed it.

Marriage. It's what matters.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:37pm

The only regret I have in my life is that he did not die as my legal husband.

He died--and lived--as your husband in the eyes of the only one who truly matters.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:43pm

Robbie, just out of curiosity, did you have to solicit donations to throw that fabulous funeral?

[SonofRobbieJ]

Posted: 12/12/12 at 2:47pm

No...but, at the time of his death, I requested donations in David's name be made to the Ali Forney Center to help homeless LGBT youth.

Between that and my own personal giving to the charity which makes me feel very close to my beloved, we've raised around $15,000.00 for the Ali Forney Center over the last two years.