Munk's TARZAN review

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 3:14am

There are several Broadway musicals in recent memory that prove that there can be a wonderful mix of both chilren's entertainment and a good time out for the parents as well. I'm talking shows geared especially for children - and they are, most notably, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, THE LION KING, and CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. Despite CHITTY's shortcomings, there was something in it for everyone - full dance numbers, eye popping sets, catchy songs, some fun for the kids, and some outrageously funny adut humour. In the past, Disney has had overwhelming financial success with all of their shows, and some spots of sure artistic acheivement in various areas. This time, while I'm sure TARZAN is in no danger of putting Disney Theatrical Productions out of business, I believe that what TARZAN is able to accomplish (or, not accomplish) in the theatre is alarming, and it may take something breathtaking like MARY POPPINS to restore people's faith in Disney.

Let it be said that this show tries to be everything in the book - it tries to be dramatic, it tries to be glorious, it tries to be big, it tries to be impressive, and it most definitely tries to entertain audiences of all ages. Unfortunately, it probably only succeeds in entertaining children. And no, that's not because the material is geared towards children - it's because young children will be the only people without the brain capacity to identify a theatrical horror. And yes, I mean horror in every sense of the word.

This show is an absolute, abominable mess from top to bottom. Nothing is salvaged. Watching the show, it's almost like the cast keeps saying "Look what I'm doing! Look! Clap! Look at me! Aren't we impressing you!" And it made me hate it even more. The book is so deconstructed and poor that it's nearly laughable. Cliche after cliche, failed joke after failed joke - there's only so much a miserable theatregoer can take. The direction is pitiful. Absolutely pitiful. It's as if Bob Crowley said "Here's your script, here's your music. Just go up on stage and run around, you're primates after all!" There is no direction. There is no vision. This is just a giant vat of money that Disney seemingly threw together with absolutely no intent behind it.

Bob Crowley (acting as Costumer, Set Designer, and Director), has failed on all three levels. I've already commented on his direction, so allow me to move on to his miserable costumes. The "human" character's costumes are fine - just what they should be - but nothing more. His costumes for the various animals - apes, flowers, spiders, a butterfly, etc. - are all mind boggingly hideous. They do not work. Is this woman holding baby Tarzan a woman? Is she a part of some tribe? Is she just a drunk woman wearing tatters? Oh no wait, she's supposed to be a monkey. Wearing nothing that even remotely resembles apes, the monkey's are particularly painful to watch. Absolutely hideous costumes that do not work. Absolutely do not work. When Jane first arrives, noting all the various flowers, etc - the costumes of the flowers, etc. are so cheap and tacky looking that you'd think you were at a lite-brite Mardi Gras parade, where all the costumes were thrown together in five seconds. Absolutely hideous. I was incredibly embarrased for everyone involved with this production. Then, as if we haven't been tortured enough, Jane magically ends up in a spider web at the end of her pitiful song. As if the audience wasn't distracted enough by the incredibly off-pitch screeching of Jenn Gambatese, or by the Mardi Gras spinning around her, as she tries to sing the end of her song a random creature is just standing there strapping a vine to her back. Could they not come up with a more discrete method of rigging her up? And is it even necessary for her to end up in a spider web? No, it's not. But then - it gets worse. Out from above (no where ON the actual spider web, mind you) a creature appears. We're told it's a tarantulla. No, I beg to differ. It looks like a down's syndrome purple and pink squid from hell made out of leftover carpeting from Bob Crowley's vintage VW bus. It's horrendous.

The set design (or lack there of) is pitiful. There is no set. And that's fine - some of the most effective and breathtaking productions have been staged with little to no set at all. Unfortunately, the TARZAN team seems to think that their set is something quite special. The set is worse than Crowley's set for AIDA - if it could get much worse. The jungle is merely thousands and thousands of green strings as the upstage, stage left, and stage right walls. Just thousands of thick, hideous, green strings. Oh, I forgot to mention the green carpeted stage- that's just CHARMING. The set - like the direction and costuming (and the rest of the show, while we're at it) fails on every conceivable level. It's truly horrid.

Phil Collins' score for the TARZAN film was suitably-pop. Always very caluculated and careful, but with strong driving melodies that added perfectly to the action occuring on screen. All of those songs appear in the show, more or less - along with a handful of some original music. One would think that even if his new material was bad - we would be saved with a bunch of songs from the film. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The songs from the film have been butchered. Bizzare vocal arrangements really ruin it right off the top - but it doesn't help that the entire cast is over-singing the music. They are literally pushing so hard - singing so loudly, and literally screaming at the top of their lungs during most of the numbers. The orchestra is over-amplified, and all of the actors are over-amplified. It's the loudest show I have ever seen on Broadway - it is horrendous. The microphones were turned up so loudly that when they weren't speaking (but were on stage), you could hear the microphones hiss. His original material is horrendous. You can't even say "Oh, but it's so fun!" It's not. It's painful. Incredibly un-melodic, absolutely banal lyrics, and just dreadful, dreadful songs. The entire show is filled with terrible music, being played by an over-loud orchestra. Has Phil Collins gone deaf?

David Henry Hwang's book is less than serviceable - although something tells me that his horrendous book wasn't his brainchild, but instead driven and outlined by the heinous Bob Crowley. No one capable of writing M. BUTTERFLY could pull this dreck out of the same place. It's not even worth commenting on, really. Trite through and through. Not one heartwarming part, not one funny part, nothing. There's just nothing. It's horrendous.

John Strickland does just fine as Tarzan. He tries his hardest. While he his more than suited for this role, I can't help but think of how good he could actually be with a capable and smart director. I really felt bad for him (and the rest of the cast). He's very talented and has some nice chops, but they're all to waste here. And no, it's not even worth seeing him nearly naked in. While it's definitely a plus compared the dreck surrounding him, Strickland's nice face and almost inappropriately cute body don't save the show. Jenn Gambatese is okay. Her acting was okay, but again, it's so hard to judge the acting here because of the horrendous material they are given, and the horrendous director they have been made to work with. While I thought Jenn was fine in ALL SHOOK UP, she's just no up to par here with this show (It's okay Jenn, join the club with Bob and Phil.) Her entire first song was pretty much consistantly off-key. It was pure hell to sit through. No only isn't she saying anything interesting, but it doesn't even SOUND good.

Merle Dandridge, Chester Gregory II, and Shuler Hensley are all barely okay. I suppose they do their best - but really, they don't work. They just don't. Shuler's acting is particularly sophomoric, but he's in good company here. Again, the material is so bad that the actors, I suppose, can not be fairly critiqued.

While Natasha Katz does consistently impressive work, here work here is as mindless and misguided as her colleagues. I don't really blame her - she really doesn't have anything to light.

Meryl Tankard's choreography is abyssmal. It's just the most disinteresting, uninspiring choreography I have ever seen. It doesn't work, and it's pure hell to sit through. These so called aerial designs by Pichon Baldinu are no where to be found. There's lots of swinging and messy movement going on, but I don't see any aerial design.

And that brings my to my final frustration. The flying. Why does every rope look like something a window washer would wear? Why are the silver clips bigger than the actor's faces? WHY ARE THEY SILVER? I mean yes, we're in the theatre, and we can suspend our disbelief - but only for so much and for so long. The mess on stage is so distracting and so terribly staged that you don't know where to look or what's going on - but it doesn't matter - rest assured that you're better off staring at the chandelier hanging over your heads - it's prettier, and more interesting. It probably even has more personality than the dreck appearing before you on stage. The flying is just a mess - it doesn't work, it's not impressive, they don't look like animals, and it's not coherent. There is such a distraction of weights going up and down (as various actors take off) that it just adds to the frustrating confusion. I know how fly systems work - I know that there needs to be weights to go up when the actor goes up. Yes. But does it have to be so blatant? Does it have to be so ugly? Christ, if they were able to have impressive aerial stunts back in the 50's with PETER PAN, why the hell can't Disney come up with something? IF anyone could do it, you'd think Disney could. Nope. They deliver nothing here but a hot, piping mess.

If you're looking to have a good time on Broadway, do not see TARZAN. In fact, avoid it at all costs. If you're looking to pay over $100 to go sit somewhere for nearly three hours while you develop a numbing migraine, go see TARZAN. This show should be called TARZAN: THE NEW BROADWAY MIGRAINE.

If I haven't already said enough - I'll say it again. Save yourself the frustration. Save yourself the dismay, and save yourself the money. This show fails on every imaginable level, it's almost an art in and among itself. There's really no point in comparing entirely different musicals, but I'm hard pressed to think of something that I have seen that's worse. I don't even think GOOD VIBRATIONS, BROOKLYN, and RING OF FIRE are a match for TARZAN - TARZAN has them all beat.

This show will only run because of Disney's name. It will receive horrible reviews, and, unless Disney pays someone off, no Tony nominees. It deserves nothing but to close. And that's a shame, because the cast is already being abused nightly by the inane acrobatics they're given - they're troopers. Of course, TARZAN can still fix it's problems in the next month. Fire everyone, starting with Bob Crowley, throw out the score, sets, costumes, etc. - and start from scratch. It's the only hope they have.

See TARZAN at your own risk.

[muscle23ftl]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 3:18am

great review, but what was good about The Lion King?

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 3:19am

It had a clear, artistic vision that worked. Despite it's flaws and low points, it's fairly moving (atleast it used to be), and it is consistantly visually stunning. Julie Taymor worked magic on that stage.

[muscle23ftl]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 3:27am

anyways...this past week you saw Drowsy Chaperone, Tarzan and what else? you hated every show...i bet you're having a bad week! i would if i hated every show i go to. LOL, but your reviews are wonderful!

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 3:30am

THE DROWSY CHAPERONE and THE WEDDING SINGER.

I didn't hate either of them. In fact, I had a wonderful time at THE WEDDING SINGER. It's an extremely flawed, nearly blatantly bad musical, but it's a lot of fun. THE WEDDING SINGER looks like WEST SIDE STORY next to TARZAN, but I suppose almost anything would.

I didn't hate THE DROWSY CHAPERONE, either. I didn't think that it's as good as it could be, but there are parts of the show here and there that work.

[Rentaholic2]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 3:40am

man, so you really hated EVERY single aspect of this show? That's disheartening.

I wish they would take a group of ten audience members every night after the show, put them in a room and discuss what they didn't get, didn't like, and think should be changed in the show. Do shows ever do this? It seems like it would be such a great way to see your problems. For instance, they may think they are being clever or something by letting you see the harness clips clearly, but audience members would open their eyes to the fact that that is just stupid.

[cturtle]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 4:51am

so, you didn't like TARZAN, munk?

[CurtainPullDowner]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 5:35am

your "review" (and i say that with quotes because you are not a real reviewer) is horrendus and unreadable.
Just my opinion.

[ShuQ]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 7:39am

What makes you think he is not a real reviewer? He wrote a review...that technically makes him a review. Munk, thanks for an honest review...they seem to be lacking.

[touchmeinthemorning]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 8:17am

Munk, you've got to learn to tell people what you really think. Hiding your real view behind convoluted language like "This show is an absolute, abominable mess from top to bottom."

I mean...what does that mean?!

[Menken Fan]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 8:25am

munk - I spent last week in NYC and saw the same shows. I couldn't agree more. Tarzan was the biggest disappointment I've ever experienced. I had such high expectations, considering the quality shows Disney has produced before. I think Lion King is one of the most beautiful, fully-realized artistic visions ever on stage.

Tarzan had nothing going for it. I turned to my partner several times to ask "Isn't this over yet???" Dreadful.

I'd agree on Wedding Singer also. A very pleasant surprise that I had such a good time (but felt a little guilty about it afterwards).

[BROADWAYFAN3]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 8:33am

Munk-you can post the most obscene, nasty review you want. But how about letting people make up their own minds. You do not need to tell people what to see or not to see.

BTW since you are so opinionated what do you do for a living.

[JasonM12480]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 8:34am

Thank you, Munk, for your honesty and intelligent review. From the moment I first heard about Tarzan, I said "No, can't work, bad idea", and no one listened to me. I'm not the kind of person that says "Told ya so", but I believe in this instance, it's perfectly called for. Sometimes a bad idea is just that - a bad idea! And you move on, and you forget it, and go to the next project. But no...Disney follows its heart (or checkbook), and does what it wants. Hopefully the theater-going public will understand and not pay to see what sounds like highly expensive dreck.

[Katurian2]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 8:41am

Wow- Thank you for the brutal honesty. But still, let's not forget that it is still in previews....But from that review, it sounds as if it should just close now. *Curses the Disney name*

[TheQuibbler]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:04am

BROADWAYFAN3, he was just writing his personal opinion of the show. You don't have to agree with him.

"But how about letting people make up their own minds. You do not need to tell people what to see or not to see."

Technically, you're right. But his review isn't different from the countless other reviews about various shows on the boards. This is a theater board, meant for discussing Broadway shows. Munk is doing just that. What are you complaining about? He backed up every one of his arguements.


Updated On: 4/7/06 at 09:04 AM

[peggyandvelma]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:06am

Munk, I haven't read a lot of your reviews, but of the ones I have read, this one is the most detailed and solid one yet. Good job.
And BroadwayFan3, last time I checked, reviewers/critics were the people who influence consumers to see the show or not. You'll find several film/book/theatre critics who will tell you if something is horrible or not and to stay away from it.

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:14am

Yes, there is still a month of previews left, but the problems aren't even here and there - and they cannot be fixed in a month. The problems are too central and major to fix with more previews, although I'm sure from this point, it only CAN get better.

Broadwayfan3: Letting people make up their own minds? No! I absolutely refuse to allow or to believe that people might want to see the show! Unheard of! Seriously dude, get a grip. I never, for one second, thought that my words on this show would effect it's sales even $1. All I did was post my opinion, as several have done here - and as I generally always do for brand new shows. What I do for a living is surely no concern of yours. What do YOU do for a living, with your brilliant non-existant use of grammar and puncuation?

CurtainPullDowner: I never once claimed to be a "real" reviewer, although I'm not quite sure what you mean by the term. No one else on this site that constantly writes reviews claimes to be a "reviewer" (atleast as defined by professional terms) either. That's what this board is for - a bunch of people sharing their opinion. An opinion cannot be right, or wrong - mind you. Do you not understand that? Horrendous and unreadable? Well, I agree that it's not brilliantly well-written (as I just type in a stream of consciousness and don't edit), it's hardly a horrendous review, and it's certainly readable. Certain people on this board just refuse to hear when certain shows are bad.

Had I come on here and posted absolute raves on the show, it wouldn't make my opinion any more valid - but to some of you, it definitely would. I write a bad review, it must be MY fault the show is bad. Well no, not everything you'll see is a giant bowl of cherries. Obviously, I was hoping that TARZAN would be amazing - why anyone would wish anything other than that is mind boggling.

When I pay nearly $80 to see a work in progress like TARZAN, it is my right - as the person who spent that money - to tell people what I thoguht about it. It's not like there's a silent contract between producer and theatre goer - "If you liked the show, tell everyone - if you didn't, do not open your mouth or you will be tracked down and shot." Seriously, you're acting incredibly ridiculous.

[LeaGirl]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:18am

Munk, this review went well with my morning coffee - only I laughed so much I spilled a little. Is it bad that I'm intensely curious now... GREEN CARPET? Silver clips? When I saw Little Women out of town tryouts they handed out slips so you could say what you thought. Of course, they didn't take any of my ideas but still - it'd be a good way for them to get a survey of what was NOT working for patrons.

And to the person who was complaining about being told what not to see - seriously, if I didn't see anything that people on this board told me was bad - I'd never see anything. Learn to read, enjoy, and form your own opinion.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:24am

Munk, you always write a good review...Thanks! I am so sorry you had such a bad time (tho I always love a bad show...makes me appreciate good theatre all the more....that is how I am trying to think of The Wedding Singer, which I did not like as much as you, apparently.)

Those of you who dont think the review was valid dont belong on this site...that is what is done her, sharing opinions and ideas. Nowhere in the review did Munk say that you had to agree.

I suggest you go see the show and write your own review. I'll tell you that you may disagree, but doubt you'll have anything as interesting to say...but I'll read it, consider it, and see Tarzan and everything else on my own terms.

and that's MY opinion!

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:24am

Yes. Green carpet.

I forgot to mention another part of glorious tacky brilliance. During the oversung, overamplified "Son of Man" sequence, a screen-like fabric is attached to two "apes" and as they climb to the top of the proscenium, the screen opens up to fill the entire space. I thought, oh, they're going to do shadows of Tarzan growing up.

Nope. They have a full, animated sequence that lasts atleast 5 minutes. It is the stupidest, most pointless segment I have ever seen on Broadway. It's almost funny how bad it is. It does nothing for the plot (as NOTHING in this show does), and it seems to be there just to waste time. It's really laughable.

[LeaGirl]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:31am

They show an animated sequence?

Maybe the 2005-2006 seasons will put an end to "projector fever".

Stop it, you're making me giggle and I've still yet to see this. And you're starting to make me curious.

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:37am

folks, if you disagree with monkeyboy's review, that's fine, explain why you do. but to attack him for posting a review? that's just ridiculous. disagree all ya want, i haven't seen it yet, so i have no opinion (although, i disagree that the aida set was as awful as it's portrayed here), but c'mon, the guy's entitled to his opinion, and he's entitled to post it here, just as people are entitled to disagree with him. but c'mon people, attack the points with which you disagree, not the poster.

[touchmeinthemorning]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:38am

For the haters:

Try disagreeing with an idea for once. Attacking a poster is not only unintelligent, but it is sophmoric and morally bankrupt way to respond to a review you disagree with.

If you like the show, tell us WHY you liked it instead of just saying someone is an idiot for not agreeing with you.

EDIT: Jinx, Papa!

Updated On: 4/7/06 at 09:38 AM

[BROADWAYFAN3]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:41am

My point to Munk is that he can post his opinion, but should not tell people what to do. He is not a professional reviewer, he reviews shows that are in previews and discounts the ability to let the creatitive team make changes.

He then attacks my use of gramera, etc. pretty lame. FYI - MUNK - I'm the diretor of an organization that helps disabled people. Sorry my secretary, doesn't type my Board messages. So again since you value your opinion so highly, what is your education, profession.

[munkustrap178]

Posted: 4/7/06 at 9:45am

What does the fact that I have an opinion on theatre have to do with my profession?

No, I'm not a professional reviewer. I never claimed to be. So, once I'm on payroll somewhere, I'll be allowed to tell people what to do? But until then, I can't? Just want to make sure I'm correct - thanks for your wisdom.

It would be incredibly easy for me to make petty, lame attacks on a variety of things you said in your last paragraph, but I'm not going to go there, you're not worth it.


Papa,touch me, etc: What gets me is that these people most definitely have not seen TARZAN yet, yet they bash anyone who says it's not wonderful. Yeah, I'd love for everything to be wonderful, too - but that's absurd.