What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

#1

What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:23pm

My Pick:

In 1967, Clive Barnes wrote this regarding HENRY, SWEET HENRY in The New York Times: "I knew this show was going to be a bore as soon as I heard the Overture."

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"I say YOU'RE the CUTEST one. No, I say YOU'RE the CUTEST One. And we go on like that from dawn to three."

#2

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:25pm

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for "She covered the gamut of emotions from A to B."

#3

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:26pm

any show brantley hates

#4

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:28pm

I think that one from DGrant is Dorothy Parker on Katherine Hepburn.

My favorite is still the San Francisco Chronicle on the tryout of Hans Christian Andersen a couple of years ago. I've quoted it before, but it's a classic.

"You can go see Hans Christian Andersen. Or you can buy a piece of felt, wrap it around a wooden spoon and beat your head with it for two hours. The felt is cheaper and more enjoyable."

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"Gif me the cobra jool!"

#5

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:30pm

Dgrant,

What's even MORE AMAZING is that Dorothy Parker was talking about Katharine Hepburn!!!

[Edit - I posted BEFORE I Read Magruder's.]

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"I say YOU'RE the CUTEST one. No, I say YOU'RE the CUTEST One. And we go on like that from dawn to three."

Updated On: 10/14/04 at 04:30 PM

#6

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:31pm

In second place, a Frank Rich classic...
Frank Rich on ...

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"Gif me the cobra jool!"

#7

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:34pm

Pardon me for not having the quote handy so I'm paraphrasing but Rich's 'Aspects of Love' review was splendidly brutal, including Rich's assertion that 'the young lovers perhaps said it best when they said 'love can make a night seem like a lifetime.'

#8

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:34pm

OMG, the MOOSE MURDERS review is a masterpiece!!!
Dorothy Parker's review of anything by A.A. Milne is pretty savage, especially some play he wrote called "Give Me Yesterday" (See The Portable Dorothy Parker)

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"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.” ~ Muhammad Ali

#9

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:39pm

Almost any review by New York Magazine's John Simon. He's become so vicious that no one takes his absurd opinions seriously. I would imagine it feels pretty horrible for one to reach that stage in their career.

#10

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:42pm

I love a Frank Rich pan.

But my favorite quote is from Brantley's review of Thoroughly Modern Millie:

'Watching this aggressively eager show is like being stampeded by circus ponies.'

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"I'm so looking forward to a time when all the Reagan Democrats are dead."

#11

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:43pm

I would suggest checking out:

"No Turn Unstoned: The Worst Ever Theatrical Reviews" complied by Diana Rigg.

#12

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:45pm

That sounds DIVINE, Windy City!

I'm on my way to Barnes & Noble RIGHT NOW! :)

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"I say YOU'RE the CUTEST one. No, I say YOU'RE the CUTEST One. And we go on like that from dawn to three."

#13

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:48pm

My friend got a review for a comedy she was in...it read that she was "about as funny as an infant's open grave."

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"Fundamentalism means never having to say 'I'm wrong.'" -- unknown

#14

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:49pm

Mary Ethel,

Unfortunately, Diana's book is out of print. Although, you can find used copies through Amazon.com.

Best Regards,

Michael

#15

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:52pm

A recent one (that cracks me up) is John Simon on Homebody/Kabul, in which he refers to it as "Kabul****"

http://www.newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/arts/theater/reviews/9173/index.html

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My mother always used to say, "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana." - Rose Nyland

Updated On: 10/14/04 at 04:52 PM

#16

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:53pm

I can actually say, I belong to the group of theatre goers who saw Moose Murders. ReReading the review brought back such memories.

Personally my favorite would be John Simon's review of a Phillip Glass opera, in which he equalled watching the opera to watching Philip Glass j.o. all over the stage. And then he got nasty.

#17

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:54pm

Magruder and Mary_Ethel - thanks for filling in my blanks - that wasn't very thoughtful of me!

#18

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 4:54pm

Sheridan Morley, British theatre critic, on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He hated it, but did not mention the performances, staging, songs, choreography - merely the fact that he hated Adrian Noble for directing it instead of running the RSC.

It got lots of complaints.

#19

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:13pm

Alright, it was about a movie but still, it is Liza.
John Simon's review of Liza in LUCKY LADY went something like: Fortunately the director focuses on her best feature, her legs. Unfortunately he doesn't wrap them around her face.

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"You got the same dress I got?" "Yes.""You got the same wig I got?" "Yes." THEN SHUT UP!

#20

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:15pm

From the movies, here's the comment that reportedly got Pauline Kael fired from McCalls:

“Wasn’t there perhaps one little Von Trapp who didn’t want to sing his head off, or who screamed that he wouldn’t act out little glockenspiel routines for Papa’s party guests, or who got nervous and threw up if he had to get on a stage?”

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"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It's an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It's a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing.” ~ Muhammad Ali

#21

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:18pm

BorstalBoy -- That review is a classic (and yes, it got her fired from McCall's). A good friend of mine can quote the entire review off the top of his head verbatim (which he demonstrates from time to time), so I know it quite well.

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"What a story........ everything but the bloodhounds snappin' at her rear end." -- Birdie [http://margochanning.broadwayworld.com/] "The Devil Be Hittin' Me" -- Whitney

#22

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:27pm

I really shouldn't laugh at these reviews...and yet, I do. It's the vicious side of me. I admit I love going to MetaCritic and reading all the pans when a bad movie comes out. Catwoman's reviews made my week. :)

#23

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:32pm

Pauline Kael also wrote of one of Ann-Margret's performances: "She acts from the inside of her mouth".

#24

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:40pm

I would say the recent Margo Jefferson review of Prymate, or Brantely's of Sixteen Wounded (which I loved )

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Check out the Tony Awards Haven! www.tonyawardshaven.com

#25

re: What's The Most Vicious Theater Review You Ever Read?

Posted: 10/14/04 at 5:43pm

John Simon on Aida:
It is rumored that the true inspiration for Aida was Disney's search for an excuse to market a black doll. If it does not make Headleyan sounds to frighten little children, it should be a huge success.